Very carefully, she handed Julienne over. She was wrapped in a blanket, and was snuffling happily after her first meal outside the womb. Jack sobbed so hard that his shoulders shook, but Chris stood behind him with her arms folded. Faye quickly looked away from her friend and watched her husband instead as he held their new-born daughter in his arms. It was obvious he loved her. No one was perfect.
Faye took a deep breath and forced the memories away. She had made herself suppress the birth, but this situation was far too reminiscent of it. Even if no child was going to be born today. A life was going to be extinguished instead.
Her stomach tensed, then clenched. She bit her lip to stop herself crying. She had to stay strong, both for her own sake and for Julienne’s. Jack would be proud of her.
Her forehead felt feverish, sweat was sticking her clothes to her skin. Behind a screen she heard another woman sobbing.
‘There, there, darling. It’s OK.’
Someone was comforting her, holding her.
Her stomach started to cramp. The seconds ticked by. She let out a gasp when it eased. She realized she had been tensing and holding her breath. She wanted to have someone there to comfort her as well. Couldn’t stand the loneliness any longer. She took her phone out and called Chris. Wept. Explained where she was. Didn’t care if anyone overheard. She let out a groan when another cramp came, and clutched the phone so hard her knuckles turned white.
Sweat was running down her back.
‘I’m on my way,’ Chris said. Like she always did.
‘Really?’ Faye sniffed.
‘Of course I am, darling.’
Half an hour later the sound of Chris’s heels echoed along the corridor. She leaned over Faye. She stroked her hair with neatly manicured fingers. Wiped her brow with a napkin she took from her YSL sac de jour.
‘I’m sorry,’ Faye whispered. ‘Sorry for everything.’
‘Don’t worry about that, darling. It is what it is. Now let’s just get shot of this and get out of here. OK?’
Chris’s hoarse voice was simultaneously matter-of-fact and sympathetic, in a way that managed to calm Faye down. She had always been able to do that. Faye hadn’t realized how much she had missed that until now.
She met her gaze.
‘I love you.’
‘And I love you,’ Chris said. ‘I was with you when Julienne was born. Of course I’m going to be here now.’
Faye grimaced with pain and squeezed her hand. It was the most beautiful hand she had ever seen.
While a life was running out of her, she pressed her cheek against Chris’s hand.
Stockholm, February 2003
We were living in a three-room flat in Bergshamra. Jack’s uncle had wanted his apartment back when one of his children returned from abroad. It was on the red line of the underground, close to the city, but it was a different world. The neighbours were a mix of ordinary Swedes and migrant families. Chatty, friendly mothers. Children shouting and being noisy in the public spaces, but they were pleasant and well-behaved.
Jack and Henrik had both graduated from the Stockholm School of Economics, Henrik with top grades, Jack with average ones. But neither of them had tried to find work. They spent all their time trying to get Compare off the ground. The business idea was telesales, with a commission-based wage structure that was more aggressive than any similar company. Motivation, motivation, motivation, as Jack used to chant. His favourite quote was ‘Hungry wolves make the best hunters’, and the business model I had developed for them suited hungry wolves. More than anything, it suited two men who were as eager for glory as Jack and Henrik.
Our living room was their office. They shared a large desk and worked side by side on a couple of chairs I had found down in the garbage room but told Jack I had inherited from my grandmother.
I admired their intensity, and was convinced they were going to succeed, confident that they were well on their way. As a result I was taken by surprise one afternoon when I got home to find Jack sitting on the sofa, staring into space.
‘What’s the matter, darling?’ I said, sitting down beside him.
‘We’ve run out of money. Henrik’s used up all his savings and I’ve gone cap in hand to try to get more capital, to no avail. I haven’t managed to find any investors. We simply weren’t good enough.’
He ran his hands through his hair.
‘Maybe it isn’t a complete disaster. We’ll both be able to find jobs. Henrik’s talking about moving to London and getting a job in the financial sector. Maybe it would be just as well if we gave up these childish dreams and grew up. I’ll tell him I want out tomorrow, that would be the best way forward. I could go to London as well, that’s where the real money is. Or New York. Wall Street. Maybe I should go to Wall Street.’
Jack’s rant was intended to convince himself, but I could tell he didn’t mean a word of it. He was nowhere close to giving up on his dreams. And the very thought that he might move and leave me on my own again was enough to make me panic.
I couldn’t begin to imagine a life without Jack. Anxiety started to well up inside me, but I swallowed the nausea and said as calmly as I could, with my hand on his:
‘Where’s all this come from? I thought it was going well, you both sounded enthusiastic as recently as last night when we went to bed. I heard you talking on the phone.’
‘We were convinced we’d found some investors, but today we were informed that they aren’t interested after all. So we’ve got no money, darling. Right now we’re surviving on your student grant and that job in the café. I haven’t even been able to pay my mobile bill this month.’
The hopes of generations lay heavy on his shoulders, and the disappointment was etched in his face. He was the one who was going to put right everything his father had done, and restore the family’s honour. But now he was ready to give up his crusade.
I cupped his face with my hands.
‘No. I’m not going to let you give up your dream.’
‘Aren’t you listening? We need money. Some sort of income. And you’re still at college …’
He turned to look at me. His eyes were as deep and wet as a puppy’s. Jack needed me, in a way that no one ever had before.
‘I can take a year’s sabbatical.’
‘But you love college …’
Those blue eyes looked into mine, and I could already see the spark glinting in them, and that he was only raising objections for the sake of it.
‘I love you more. And I know that you’re going to succeed, as long as you get the chance to do your thing. We’re a team, you and I. Jack and Faye. We’re going to take over the world, that’s what we’ve always said. I can graduate a year later, and what difference does one year make in the broader scheme of things?’
I shrugged.
‘Are you absolutely sure?’ Jack said, pulling me towards him.
‘Of course I am,’ I said with a laugh.
Happiness was bubbling inside me like a fizzy drink. I was giving him a gift, and he was accepting it, because he loved me.
‘I know you’d have done the same for me. And I believe in Compare, I know we’re going to be millionaires. And then you can pay me back!’
‘And I will! Everything that’s mine is yours, darling. Ours!’
He kissed me, then picked me up and carried me into the bedroom.
One year wasn’t so bad. And it meant everything for Compare. Not so much for my education. I found studying so easy, whereas Henrik had to work hard for his grades. Sure, I hated wiping tables, serving coffee, getting my backside pinched by old men who thought the waitress was included in the price of a coffee and pastry. But Jack was the love of my life. My soulmate. We held each other up. Next time it would be Jack volunteering to help me.
I informed the School of Economics of my decision that evening, and called my boss at the Café Madeleine. He was delighted. I knew he had plans to expand, but found it hard to get away from the day-to-day running of the café. There
and then he offered me the position of personnel manager. The monthly salary felt dizzyingly large. Twenty-two thousand kronor. I said yes.
The only person who objected to my decision was Chris. She called into Madeleine’s at closing time with a black look in her eyes.
‘You and I need to talk,’ she said.
She dragged me across a rainy Stureplan and into a bar. She snapped at the bartender that she wanted two beers, then pushed me into one of the booths.
‘I know this isn’t what you want to hear, and it might well make you angry with me. Maybe this is the end of our friendship. But someone’s got to say it! You’re making a mistake.’
I sighed. How would Chris be able to understand? What she and Henrik had was nowhere close to what Jack and I had.
‘I know you only want what’s best for me. But this is something that has to be done. Jack needs to concentrate on Compare if their dream is going to become a reality.’
‘What about your dream, then? Bloody hell, Faye, if Jack and Henrik had half your brains they’d be billionaires by now.’
‘I’m happy as long as I’ve got Jack. And his dreams are my dreams.’
‘Are you worried he’ll leave you if you don’t do this?’
‘No.’
I almost started to laugh. The thought was so absurd. Obviously, his talk about London and New York had worried me a bit, but that was all it was: talk. Jack wanted to be with me as much as I wanted to be with him.
Chris gestured irritably to the bartender to bring us another glass each.
‘In that case,’ she muttered, ‘why can’t he put Compare on ice for a year while he works instead? Why are you the one who has to give up college for his sake?’
Chris lit a cigarette with trembling hands.
‘It’s so fucking typical,’ she muttered.
I reached for Chris’s packet of cigarettes. Jack didn’t like me smoking, but I seized the opportunity to have one now. I’d just have to remember to buy some mint chewing-gum before I went home.
‘One year, Chris. Then I’ll be back. By then Jack and Henrik will have Compare up and running.’
I blew a perfect smoke-ring, which framed Chris’s sceptical expression. She dropped the subject, but the look on her face made it abundantly clear what she thought about it.
Six months later Compare was launched, and became an instant success. Jack and Henrik’s young telesales team and new way of working hit Sweden like an invading army. They achieved results unmatched by anyone before them. Companies were soon lining up to have Compare take over their own telesales operations. Money rained down on us. Just over a year later we were millionaires.
Neither Jack nor I saw any good reason for me to return to my studies. We had already reached our goal. Together. Why should I fight my way through college exams when things were going so well for us?
You studied in order to become successful, and we had done that. The future was so bright, I needed shades.
The crisis was edging closer and closer. Obviously she should have seen the signs. Opened her eyes. They say nothing blinds us like love, but Faye knew that nothing blinds as much as the dream of love.
Hope is a powerful drug.
She decided to change tactics. Instead of sitting at home like a sad puppy, waiting for Jack, she would give him the time and space to miss her.
There were two weeks to go until his birthday party. The event organizers had told her when to show up, but that was all. Apart from the instruction that the dress-code was ‘evening dress’. She had been contemplating rather more entertaining themes when she was still under the impression that she was going to be organizing her husband’s birthday party. ‘The Great Gatsby’ or ‘Studio 54’. But evidently that wasn’t what Jack wanted. Sometimes she couldn’t help wondering if she had merely imagined that she knew him. She seemed to have the wrong idea about everything these days. At least when it came to Jack, anyway.
Faye knocked on the door of his study in the tower, heard an irritable ‘yes’ and walked in.
She put on a smile. Not that it mattered. Jack was staring at the screen.
‘Sorry, I don’t want to interrupt. I just thought I’d let you know that I’m going away with Julienne for a few days.’
He looked up in surprise. His handsome profile stood out against the glass of the window.
‘Oh?’
‘Yes, you’ve got so much going on at the moment. And I … well, I suppose I haven’t. I’ve rented a house in Falsterbo.’
She was prepared for Jack to protest, he had never been very enthusiastic about her wanting to do things on her own. But to her surprise he seemed almost relieved.
‘That’s a great idea. It’ll do you good to get away for a while, after, well, all that unpleasantness.’
He was avoiding her gaze. When he got home late the night after she had the abortion he had offered a cursory apology about an emergency at work. No more than that. No roses this time. No tears. And she had swallowed once again, accepting what she couldn’t change, even if it left a bitter aftertaste. But she could still feel the coolness of Chris’s hand against her cheek when she went to bed.
‘Do you think so?’
She kept her voice neutral. Keep looking forward. Never back. She could turn this round. She was stronger than Jack realized. She had been playing the weaker sex for a long time now. Because that had been what Jack needed. But now she realized it was time for her to take charge, without Jack noticing. He wasn’t the sort of man who liked taking direction.
‘Yes, definitely,’ Jack said, smiling at her.
His face looked more youthful, more at ease. She relaxed. She was on the right lines. They just needed a bit of time away from each other.
‘It’s a good idea to get a bit of mum and daughter time,’ Jack said. It sounded a little forced, but she was happy to take whatever crumbs she could get. ‘A girls’ trip, or whatever you want to call it. It’ll be harder to do that sort of thing once she starts school.’
He fiddled with a pen and asked nonchalantly: ‘How long are you planning to be away?’
‘I was thinking five nights.’
She held one hand out towards him, and he took it, to her surprise. And relief.
‘You’re sure you don’t mind?’
‘Of course not! Though I’m obviously going to miss you both.’
She blew him a kiss before leaving.
‘We’ll miss you too,’ she said.
And she meant it. She was missing him already.
There wasn’t much traffic on the E4, mostly articulated lorries. Faye enjoyed driving, and Julienne seemed excited to be going on an adventure.
‘Can we go swimming?’ she asked.
‘The water’s going to be very cold. Let’s see what you think when you’ve felt it.’
A diplomatic answer. Obviously she knew Julienne would think it was far too cold. It would be several months before the water was anywhere close to warm enough to swim in.
Julienne immersed herself in her iPad. Faye overtook a DHL truck, the driver stared longingly at their Porsche Cayenne as she pulled in front of him.
The phone rang. It was Jack.
‘How are you getting on?’
He sounded happy, and Faye couldn’t help smiling. It had been a long time since she had heard anything but irritation in his voice.
‘Daddy!’ Julienne cried.
‘Hello, darling! Are you having a good time?’
‘Yes! Really good!’ Julienne said, then went back to her iPad.
‘Where are you?’
‘We’ve just passed Norrköping,’ Faye said. ‘Time for a break soon, probably that place with the golden arches …’
‘McDonald’s!’ Julienne exclaimed happily.
There was no fooling her.
Jack laughed and Faye felt it sweeping away the bad memories, dissolving them like the dandelion heads she used to blow as a child.
They hung up and she concentrated on driving. There was a
long way to go before they got there.
‘Mummy, I feel sick.’
Faye glanced at Julienne, whose face did indeed have a disconcertingly greenish-white pallor.
‘Maybe you could try looking out of the window? I think you might be feeling sick because you’ve been looking down at a screen.’
Faye took her right hand off the wheel and felt Julienne’s forehead. It was warm and sweaty.
‘Are you hungry? There’s an apple in the bag by your feet.’
‘No. I feel sick.’
‘We can stop at McDonald’s soon, if you like.’
Julienne said nothing, her eyes fixed on the road. It’ll pass, Faye thought.
A few minutes later Julienne started to cough and Faye pulled over to the roadside with a grimace. As they came to a stop Julienne threw up over the glove compartment.
Faye jumped out of the car and hurried round to the passenger side. She lifted Julienne out, and held her hair as she whimpered feebly before being sick again.
A little cloud of steam rose from the warm vomit on the frozen grass.
A truck drove past and the turbulence rocked the car.
Faye put Julienne back in her seat, emptied a bag and put it on her lap. She found a kitchen-roll in the boot and wiped up the worst of the mess inside the car. The smell turned her stomach and she didn’t dare think about what Jack would say when he heard what had happened. The car would have to go in for valeting before she could so much as blink.
‘If you have to be sick again, try to do it in the bag.’
Faye wound the window down and breathed through her mouth. The stench was terrible as she started the car. Whitney Houston was singing that she would always love you, and Faye turned the volume down. She preferred the original by Dolly Parton.
A few kilometres further on they pulled in to a petrol station. Faye perched Julienne on a chair while she bought some disinfectant and a cloth and tried to clean things up, all the while cursing the decision to drive down on her own.
The Gilded Cage Page 13