Fighting for Arielle

by Karina Sharp

  “Yours is not to ask questions. Yours is to gush and squeal and tell me how wonderful I am.”

  McCrary smiles warmly and stands.

  I untie the white bow made from satin ribbon and remove the blue lid. Inside the blue box is another black, velvet box, which is obvious to anyone that it houses a ring. I open the lid to the box which reveals a stunning, one carat, princess-cut diamond, surrounded by smaller diamonds that also adorn the sides of the platinum band. Inside the ring, is the inscription Vous êtes mon monde.

  I feel like I am in a fairytale, complete with an animal side-kick.

  McCrary removes the ring from the box, which is perched on my now shaking hand, and gently slides it onto the fourth finger of my left hand, just as I had always imagined.

  “You are wonderful. I love you so much,” I say between sobs.

  “I love you too, Arielle,” McCrary says as he wipes away my tears with his thumbs, just before he kisses me for the first time as my fiancé.

  ***

  A year ago, I was convinced I somehow deserved to be punished for some unknown crimes, and that I was unworthy of love. If someone had tried to tell me this is where my life would lead, I would seriously suggest they have their head checked as they were clearly insane; however, in just a few months, McCrary changed the way I looked at everything. I was fortunate that I held onto my individuality and still managed to see some positivity in life, but I know if I had continued on my path before McCrary, my unique self and personality would have eventually been snuffed out by the cold and suffocating nature of my marriage to Brody. Meeting McCrary threw my life for a massive loop, and it’s a ride for which I will be eternally grateful. He is my one and my only; however if I had not kept my eyes open to the possibility of change, I would not have been able to find it.

  People always say things aren’t just black and white, and they most certainly are not. It is said that there is so much grey area in this world, but I reject even that. Grey is gloomy. Grey is fuzzy and unclear. Grey represents only one facet of one part of the entire limitless spectrum.

  Instead, I choose to look at the world as full of color, because it is. Life is full of caution cone oranges and hooker boot blues, cheap pharmacy store lipstick reds and Shells and Cheese yellows. What works for some, doesn’t work for others. To stick every person in this world into one little, limiting box is just cruel.

  There’s no perfect color palette or formula for all. I think we must look at our places in this world and select what colors work for us, but not just accept them: use them. Use those colors to draw your own map, color your own path, and write your own story. Then, and only then, are you living life for you- making the best of everything that is offered to you.

  There are black and white lines in life that we must stay in. I can’t just bebop around the street in my birthday suit singing an aria; however, it is up to us to make the space within those hard black and white lines into something beautiful and meaningful.

  Even in my darkest days, as my life seemed to be in the most desperate and dire of circumstances, I managed to look toward the sun; see beyond the blacks, whites, and greys; and colored my way out of the darkness, with the help of both McCrary’s love and my own perseverance. And, I couldn’t be more grateful.

  Epilogue

  One year later

  A year has passed since McCrary proposed to me and it feels as though time has flown by. McCrary's tour of duty in Hawaii has been extended for a few years, due to his promotion to Commander. I couldn't be more proud of McCrary and his accomplishments. I am getting accustomed to military life and the social norms that come with it. Macy and Ross have been very helpful and supportive the entire time. McCrary and I continue to juggle his work, his travels, my attending graduate school, my working with victims of domestic abuse, and planning a wedding. McCrary has been in touch with his family more, and I know they've grown closer. He plays music a lot more in his free time, which is mostly evenings and weekends, which has also inspired me to play the piano more often. I will never be as accomplished as McCrary, but I am definitely a stronger player.

  I no longer work so much at the gym on Pearl Harbor. Instead of four workouts a day, I teach aerobics twice a week, continue to run regularly, and even take a dance class here and there. I also serve as the choreographer for several local schools and community theatre productions. I no longer dance burlesque on a regular basis, not because McCrary thinks I shouldn't as he said he would support me regardless, but I have since decided that I don't need the attention or affirmation that I am wanted or desired. I have danced a dance here or there as a guest performer, but now it means more to me than just getting applause or attention. For me, it is empowering and I simply love dancing and performing. Dance is such an important part of my very being, I don’t think I could ever give it up.

  I spent a great deal of my life feeling inferior and unattractive, so much so that I was battling anorexia, even though I didn't want to admit it. When I wore my bikini in public, it was a huge step for me, as I didn’t make a habit of going out scantily clad in public where I couldn’t pretend to be someone I’m not. McCrary made me feel so comfortable and accepted, that I didn't care how I looked. That was the first step I made toward learning to love myself and even admitting that I had a problem with not eating.

  Today, I stand in the dressing room of the Turtle Bay Resort on Oahu. Despite this being my second marriage, this is my first wedding. We debated where we wanted to get married, and we ultimately decided to bring our families together to see where our story began and where we fell in love. My sister Natasha is my Maid of Honor and my younger sisters Maggie and Ashley as well as Macy are my bridesmaids, while my soon to be sister-in-law Shelley is my Matron of Honor. My brand new niece Allie is playing Flower Girl, despite her not even being a year old. They are all dressed in flowy, pink dresses that look beautiful against the lush tropical surroundings. We opted for an indoor ceremony and cocktail hour, with an outdoor reception at sunset.

  We are touching up our hair and makeup for the last time when there's a knock at the door.

  "Knock knock," my dad, dressed in a tux and looking more handsome than I've ever seen him, says. McCrary's father Douglas also enters, dressed in his dress white Navy uniform. He is an Admiral and has a lot more gold on him than McCrary usually has, and he has gloves on with a sword on his side. I wonder if McCrary also has a sword, and that makes me think of a few sexy opportunities to use it. I leave my inappropriate thoughts and look over to Douglas and smile. I can see a lot of McCrary's features in his face.

  "Five minutes," Macy announces.

  I look at myself in my wedding dress, which is a good mix of traditional princess and little girl's rock n’ roll dreams. In terms of color, I chose less traditional. My dress is pale pink in color, with a fitted, lace-covered bodice that laces up the back like a corset. The skirt is asymmetrical, being short in the front and long, with a short train, in the back. It is my updated take on the wedding dress from the Guns n' Roses video of “November Rain.” It is covered in tufts of material to give it a lot of movement and depth, and of course, it has rhinestones delicately and tastefully placed throughout.

  "You look beautiful,” my dad says to me as he kisses my cheek.

  I smile as Douglas walks over to me.

  He clears his throat and seems to be a little nervous. "Arielle, I wanted to give you a small wedding gift before everything gets hectic."

  He hands me a small, velvet box. I open it and marvel at the beautiful, and rather large, diamond stud earrings sparkling back at me.

  "They belonged to McCrary's mother. I gave them to her on our thirtieth wedding anniversary. Lisa was always thinking ahead and dictated which child she wanted to gift her prized possessions to. I think she thought I wasn't listening when she declared what belongings should go to whom and when, but I always listened. She wanted these specifically to go to McCrary's wife on their wedding day. She said she knew that whoever captured his h
eart must truly be special, and someone with a heart so genuine deserves to have these."

  I think I would have stared at them the entire time, except I caught the sparkle reflected in his eyes as he spoke of his beloved wife. My eyes fill with tears, and Macy quickly hands me a tissue to dab them so that my makeup doesn't run.

  "They are the most spectacular earrings I have ever seen," I say, choking back my tears. "Thank you so much for these. Thank you so much for giving life to such a wonderful son. It is my honor to accept and wear them. I know Lisa's spirit is here, and having a small piece of her memory on my person is the most precious gift you could have possibly given me today." I give my soon to be father-in-law a huge hug and try not to smudge makeup on his uniform.

  My dad puts out his elbow so I can place my arm in his and escorts me to the doorway. I take a deep breath as Shelley hands me my bouquet of green hydrangea and bright pink gerbera daisies.

  After what seems like an eternity, my father and I step into the doorway of a beautifully decorated ballroom where the carefully placed chairs make up a center aisle. As a string quartet plays Pachelbel’s “Canon,” my eyes focus toward the end of the aisle.

  Standing there, I see McCrary's best man, his brother Brock, standing next to his other brother Josh, then Ross, Elkins- whose first name is actually Wade, and my brother David, who is the only one wearing a black tuxedo and not a white naval officer's uniform. Then, my eyes fix on McCrary. He's the same man I fell in love with so many months ago, only infinitely more beautiful. Aside from his being so incredibly handsome, we have grown as both individuals and a partnership tremendously over the past year. My chest is tight with pride, and for yet another day, I am proven correct that I fall in love him a little more each day. Our smiles mirror each other as they grow wider and brighter with each step I take to advance closer to him.

  Most of the introductions and beginning of the ceremony are a blur. I am so caught up in the moment and the monumental nature of the entire experience, that I don't really take in everything that is going on around me.

  Our officiate asks us to recite our vows, which we opted to write ourselves. He invites McCrary to go first.

  McCrary smiles at me and reaches into his breast pocket to retrieve a folded piece of paper and begins to read aloud.

  “My dearest, most beautiful, Arielle Angelica Abbott (soon to be Ashby),

  “On your 'List of Things I Want to Experience,' not to be confused with a 'Bucket List,' you said you wanted to receive a love letter like those that men throughout history wrote to their far-away loves, riddled with cliché and sweet nothings. I can’t promise that I can meet the last two criteria as everything I am about to write, and subsequently read aloud, is true and meaningful.

  “I took the liberty of answering a question out of our Hat-O-Questions.

  “When did you know you were in love?

  “This is a difficult question to answer because from the moment I saw you dance on stage, I was taken by you. Aside from being privileged enough to see your physical assets, I knew there was something about you that made you special. At that point, I hadn't yet realized that I loved you even before I met you. A defining moment, when I realized you were truly my love, was when you played the piano and sang that very first night in my house. Your playing and singing awoke something in me that I had not felt in a very long time. It gave me hope. It gave me strength. It gave me joy, and it gave me a glimpse into my future, which is our future.

  “In that instant, I knew my life had changed irrevocably, and the only option I had was to accept it. I knew I was gearing up for a fight, but not in the way one would think. I knew I was going to have to not only battle my own demons, but be on the front lines with you as you battled yours. I adopted the philosophy 'To find love, prepare for battle;' and battle we did. We fought for love, for life, and for us. At times, our journey together has seemed as though it has had some major twists and turns, and we have used some unorthodox methods along the way in order to stay together, but I know that it’s a path and a journey that winds on forever. With you, I am ready and excited to see where it goes.

  “To give you a little bit of your requested cliché, I quote Shakespeare’s Sonnet 116.

  Let me not to the marriage of true minds

  Admit impediments. Love is not love

  Which alters when it alteration finds,

  Or bends with the remover to remove:

  O no; it is an ever-fixed mark,

  That looks on tempests, and is never shaken;

  It is the star to every wandering bark,

  Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.

  Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks

  Within his bending sickle's compass come;

  Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,

  But bears it out even to the edge of doom.

  If this be error and upon me proved,

  I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

  “I will always love you. I will always cherish you. I will always be your safety.

  “Yours in life and love, for infinity, plus one- McCrary.

  I was not prepared for the massive handkerchief I would need after he read his love letter to me. I couldn’t have asked for better vows. Mine seem not as eloquent compared to his, but I recite them, and his eyes fill with tears in response. We exchange rings and vow to love one another. I opted out of the ‘till death portion, because I feel like limiting the vows of two connected souls to this mortal world is a bit presumptuous. I know it’s another quirk of mine, but I actually like my quirks. McCrary is less excited about going along with my unusual ideas at times, but this time, he was completely on board.

  We finish our ceremony, which was short and sweet, and kiss to thunderous applause. During our reception, my bridesmaids and I dance an awesome, choreographed dance to a mix of songs. For our first dance as a married couple, we went with the more traditional route of no choreography. We dance to one of my most favorite songs in the world, and what I’ve wanted to dance to since I was a little girl- “Crazy for You,” by Madonna.

  Our reception is decorated beautifully in coordinating colors, but there are a few special decorations. Beer bottles help serve as table décor by holding flowers. Some are placed about the room with lights in them to help illuminate the space. My mountain of beer bottles that I won in the divorce has been a joke among family and friends ever since. I decided that a great way to let go of my past and preside over emotions and events that once held me captive was to have a good sense of humor about the whole thing and creatively use them. Along with the repurposed decorations, we use them as part of a ring toss game for kids.

  The highlight of the entire night is when McCrary would have had a dance with his mother. Instead of the dance, his father, brothers, and I put together a very special gift. They found video and audio of his mother Lisa singing various songs and acting silly, which are projected on the large screen in the room. The sound and video switch to his mother singing “What a Wonderful World.” His brothers and I accompany her beautiful voice as she sings, while pictures and short videos from McCrary’s youth and of his mother are displayed. I am so focused on playing the piano, I can’t see the images, but that doesn’t stop me from sobbing, just like everyone else in the place. It truly is the most beautiful gesture I’ve witnessed, especially when McCrary’s father gives him a very strong and long embrace.

  My mannerisms and energy are very similar to Lisa’s. I know she and I would have been very close had she been able to bless my life in this physical world, but I feel her spirit emitted from McCrary, from his family, and from my heart.

  After that experience, it is hard to bring out the party in everyone, but it happens. We dance, mingle, eat, kiss, and dance some more, until it’s time to go. We give our families big hugs and exit the building under an archway of swords that officers carry on super special occasions. As tradition dictates, they stop us and make us kiss before we can pass
through as husband and wife. Of course, I get a swat on the backside from one of the swords before we bid our farewells so we can leave.

  I arranged for one more activity before we literally head out into the world married. Underneath a wall, there is a large trough to catch the pieces of beer bottles that guests throw from a safe distance, shattering them. I watch as bottle after bottle contacts the wall, makes a large clanking noise, and breaks into pieces. McCrary and I take part in the activity. We each choose one bottle to throw, and no more. On the count of three, holding hands, we both chuck our bottles at the wall in exaltation. With each shatter, I feel a piece of my previous life of heartache and loathing break apart and fall away.

  Not letting go of his hand, I look to my wonderful husband and think about how much I love my life, and how fortunate I truly am. Not only was I lucky enough to find someone who loves me for who I am, but I’ve been able to love that person as well. Without him, I would have never been found; however, if I had never fought to save myself from my own self-destruction, I would still be lost. This is certainly not a happily ever after, where everything is perfect forever and always, but I embrace my individuality a little more each day, and, as a couple, McCrary and I will continue to grow together, forever and always.

  McCrary looks at me with his very familiar, genuine eyes and smiles, highlighting his dimple and the smile lines around his eyes that I adore. He brings my hand to his mouth and kisses the top of it, not moving his eyes away from mine.

  My smile grows larger, and my heart swells to epic proportions.

  “I love you, Commander Johnathan McCrary Ashby.”

  “And I you, Arrr-ielle, like a pirate, Ashby.”

  Domesticviolence and spousal abuse is very real