by M. C. Cerny
I finished the ad and popped up to the executive floor to drop off the ad contract I signed for the endorsement. I could have brought it home, but James and I planned to hibernate this weekend acclimating Charlie to the apartment.
“Casey.” I turned at the sound of Michelle’s voice. She is standing a dozen or so feet away from me, clutching a file folder in front of her chest. Papers slipped out of it and she looks disheveled. Her eyes wild and the energy in the room vibrates with tension.
“Can I help you?” She has never liked me and I never understood where her dislike stemmed from. James confided in me that he was looking to have her transferred to another part of the company because he didn’t like how she treated me. She accused me of losing the advertising contract when I went on my organizing binge weeks ago. Her dislike has gotten worse being downright disrespectful.
“Why you?” Growling she takes a step forward and I step back.
“I’m sorry, what?”
“You’re nobody.” Her eyes dart around and I realize there’s nowhere for me to go. “You’re nothing. A fuck toy.” Each phrased followed with another threatening footstep in my direction. I was afraid to let her get close to me but she blocked the only exit off the floor. The only thing between us is her desk and I’m not on home territory here.
“That’s none of your business.” Clenching my fists I decide I’m not going down without a fight and scan her desk for something to defend myself with. The best I can come up with is a rubber band ball and a mini-stapler that looks like it can handle a max of three pages if you’re lucky. Even the potted plant looks sad, its leaves drooping.
“It is my business when you come out of nowhere and ruin everything. Everything!” She shrieks with spittle flying in my face.
“Okay, you know that’s enough, Michelle. We have to work together and you’re really pushing my buttons here.” I see her pen jar on her desk and wonder how effective a Bic pen would be. I remember them being used in an emergency tracheotomy on one of the medical shows, but they are a good few feet away between crazy and me.
“It should have been me.”
“But it wasn’t. James is with me. You work for him, Michelle.” She looks directly at me and I rethink my strategy to standoff with her because this bitch is getting crazy.
“I’ve been working here for years and then you show up and he forgets all about me. About us.” She pounds her fist against her chest dropping more papers letting them scatter around her to the floor.
“There was never an us for you and James.” I remind her and her eyes narrow. Twin pinpoints stare in my direction and I would be lying to myself if I said I wasn’t the tiniest bit afraid of her.
“But there will be when you’re gone. It’s too bad that fire didn’t take care of you.” She mutters edging closer to me.
42
James
Walking up to my office, the elevator opens into the space. My phone is buzzing in my pocket, but I turn it off ignoring it. I’m only planning to be here five minutes max, find Casey in the recording studio, and then go back home. I’m not expecting anyone here and I’m surprised to hear Casey’s voice.
“There was never an us for you and James.” She says to Michelle who looks like she rolled around in some dumpsters before coming to work.
Her next statement chills me. “But there will be when you’re gone. It’s too bad that fire didn’t take care of you.” She has cornered Casey and my stomach drops.
“Michelle, what the fuck are you doing?” I demand.
She turns to look at me, face beat red and tearful. “It was supposed to be me. How could you!”
“Michelle, you’ve been my assistant for years.”
“I’ve done everything for you. Only you.” She’s shaking and muttering and I don’t think she can be reached with logic but I try anyway.
“We work as a team.” I hold my hands out placating, hoping to get in between my girl and my crazy personal assistant. The one person, who besides Casey knows everything, and I mean everything about me down to my social and preferred brand of underwear.
“James.” Casey looks frantic and I nod to her to try and reassure her.
“You don’t want to do this Michelle. The police are already on their way.”
“Liar.” She hisses.
“Please, don’t do this.” I’ll beg her if it gets Casey out of here safely.
“He promised me you would be mine. All we had to do was get rid of her he said.”
“Who said that?” I ask already fearing I know the answer.
“E-Elroy. He promised.” Michelle sunk to her knees in a blubbering mess; her fists pounded the floor as she wailed.
“What the hell is that sound?” Tucker joins us as witness to the craziness.
“Crazy bitch.” Casey points at Michelle as she leans against the wall arms crossed looking ready to fight.
“Tuck, call the police.”
“I thought–” I interrupt Casey.
“I lied.”
“Uh huh.” She says.
“Later, Casey? Like after the police scoop her up later?” I’m imploring.
“You realize she threatened my life, right?”
Great, one crazy wailing assistant, and a pissed off girlfriend making me officially zero for two today.
“If I can’t have him, no one can!” Before I realize it she leaps up from the floor lunging at me her bright red nails clawing for my body. It’s pure chaos and I’m knocked over catching Michelle and falling hard onto my bad.
“Shit!” Tucker yells.
“God damn, Austin!” Eli shouts from somewhere outside the fray.
“Hell no, you crazy bitch!” A potted plant comes crashing down splitting over Michelle and dumping wet dirt over us.
“Stand back, Miss Cole.” Eli grabs my girl moving her back so he can peel an unconscious Michelle from on top of me.
“James, are you alright?” Casey leans down, her hands covering my face and inspecting my body.
“You saved me.” Looking up into her dark eyes I feel weightless from her love.
“No, you saved me.” She says coming in close to kiss me. Her lips tremble underneath mine and I know I’m never letting her go.
“Nooo!” Michelle screeches struggling in Eli’s grip.
Casey yells at her husking away from me so she can help me stand up. “Shut up, you wicked witch. This man is mine, get your own!”
“I’ll take care of this.” Eli says pulling her away toward the elevator.
Tucker is on his phone calling the police to report what happened.
“How did you know to come up here?” Casey asks helping me hobble over to my office.
“I actually didn’t. I retained Eli after the show in LA, but this, this I stumbled on thank god.” I tell her.
“I guess I didn’t put together her dislike of me for that level of hate.”
“I took it for granted. Now we have to get Elroy round up as well. I heard what she said about the fire.”
“Yeah. Unbelievable. Not only were they trying to hurt me, but my innocent neighbors too.”
“Come here.” I hold her close breathing in her scent and grateful she’s okay. Things could have been so much worse, I was grateful they weren’t.
I check my phone from my pocket finding several messages from Eli. All of them in the same vein of saying: pick up the phone, it’s the assistant. “Huh, well Eli figured it out.”
“I’m glad.” She exhales deeply and I agree.
“Me too, let’s go home to Charlie.” I kiss her forehead and we go downstairs to a mass of police lights and officers entering the building. I guess home will have to wait a little longer.
43
Casey
“Sound Check. Sound Check.” I give Tucker the thumbs up sign and adjust my headphones. “Hello and good morning Philadelphia. This is the Sound Wave Z107, the heart and soul of Philly and today’s number one radio station. Let’s get rolling.”
It’s been six week
s since Michelle-Crazy-Pants and Elroy- the-Idiot have been arrested and charged. Michelle is currently on holiday at the psych ward and Elroy was considered a flight risk and denied bail. The little issue of setting my apartment building on fire sent the judge over the top. I’m finally feeling good knowing there won’t be any stalker issues, no calls, no letter, and no weird shit in the mailroom.
Tucker hits the light letting me know we have a caller on the external line. “Hello, thanks for calling, this is Casey.”
“Good morning beautiful, I was wondering if the offer still stands for dinner and dessert tonight?” I chuckle because I know its James being a smart ass. Okay, so he’s the one weird outlier I’m totally fine with.
He is clearly not supposed to call his own station and solicit me for dinner. It’s actually in a legal agreement he signed with his board of trustees since my suspension was lifted. Doing this costs him a nice ten grand which he has to donate to charity each time he does it.
I never claimed he was a good listener.
“I don’t know boss, I’m kind of on the air right now, but I’ll be happy to get back to you after the show.” It’s no secret in Philadelphia that James and I are dating, but he still likes to embarrass me from time to time with his radio pranks. Pranks that his board of trustees seem to continue overlooking when the ratings come out each quarter. There’s a reason we’re number one and I can’t guarantee it’s not because of our on air shenanigans and public relationship.
First it was a phone tap, and then it was his announcement at the radio music festival. He doesn’t know when to stop, even with a hefty fine, and part of me is glad he never did.
“Well you see I was hoping you would sort of say yes because I have to ask you something important.”
“James…” I trail off because I can see him walking down the windowed corridor to my sound studio holding his cellphone up grinning wickedly. He opens the door and puts Charlie down who wiggles right up to me.
“Casey Cole.” The phone is still up to his ear and my co-hosts Natalie and Benny look as shocked as I do with big smiles splitting their shit eating grinning faces.
“Get off the phone you cornball.” I whisper harshly standing up as he kneels down simultaneously inside the studio. I block out everything else because his eyes keep me rooted to my place.
“I can’t help it. Casey Cole will you do me the honor of becoming my wife, my partner, my lover of life, and cheesesteaks.”
“Oh shit.” I realized then I can’t reach the dump button and I cursed on the air. Fuck my life. I look over to Tucker who is laughing and waves me off. My face burns with embarrassment. That’s easily a ten grand fine for both if not one of us.
“Babe, I’ll pay any FCC fine, but don’t leave me hanging.”
Benny and Natalie eyeball me whispering over their mics, “Say yes!”
“Oh my god, oh my god, yes! Yes!” James scoops me up amidst Charlie’s barking and the station cheering loudly.
“You heard it here first Philly, Casey is going to be my wife.” Our lips crush together and I can’t wait to get out of here. There’s no way I can run a show now. Buzzing between us jolts me and James releases me to stand on my own reaching for his phone.
“What is it?” James chuckles and shows me his phone already exploding with text messages.
Eli: Congrats you publicity whore. Don’t fuck it up.
LEGAL: We talked about this James…
“Assholes.” James mutters all smiles as Benny cues the dump button just in time.
I shake my head. “I don’t know babe, sounds like good advice to me.”
“You were expecting something else?” James grins.
“Well, we’ve certainly come full circle now.” I tell my fiancé between kisses and Charlie barking.
Epilogue
James
Five Years Later…
“Arrrg!” The pain is so intense I wonder if death is a better alternative. No one told me about the cramping, maybe those are sympathy pains long overdue? I’m pretty sure the pain meds have worn off. I won’t die, but I’ll come pretty damn close. The only bonus is that I’ll have Casey all to myself for a long weekend in six weeks tied to my bed, that’s if I can get over the current hurdle of wondering if my dick will work again without its swimmers. I’ve already been online using my Prime shipping for all the toys I could find and ones I don’t even know the names for. Hopefully any pain is gone by then or we’ll be holed up in the hotel staring at each other like Lucy and Ricky from twin beds. If anyone on the male counsel wants to call me in my cave and reassure me, that would be great. My number is: 215-267... yeah, maybe not.
My evil unsympathetic wife saunters by me in a daring piece of nightwear I’m sure was purchased with my credit card while I was in the recovery room waiting for her. “Come on you big baby, it’s not that bad. I’ve done this twice already.” She walks around the kitchen teasing me in a pink nightgown with fluffy feather things hanging off the bottom barely covering her rounded cheeks. A pink slip of her thong peeks through and I’m groaning in a mixed bag of misery and delight. Whatever is left of my manhood is crying on the inside, I know it.
“That’s not the same thing at all,” I point to her stomach pouting. “That is natural.” Pointing to my crotch, “this is not.” I see her face crinkle and my gorgeous witch is holding back a laugh.
“Same difference.” Smiling she shrugs and I don’t care what anyone says, it’s not the same.
“You try getting your nut sack neutralized.” Growling back at her peppy attitude I reach for the frozen bag of carrots she tosses at me one handed. I miss the pass, the bag hitting my arm bouncing off to the floor. I’m planning to spank her ass raw when I can catch her without crying, and see who needs frozen vegetables to cool their parts when all this is over.
“You try pushing out kids one after the other without an epidural.”
“Babe, if you try telling me your beautiful hoohah pushed out a watermelon I’m leaving you for Tabitha.” Tabby is our monster sitter when we want to go out and do adult things like drink champagne spritzer and be home in bed before ten o’clock on a Friday night. Oh how the might have fallen… Lucky for us she’s a spry seventy year old who lives two buildings down and owns seven cats her landlord doesn’t know about. I consider having her move in permanently, but the cats wouldn’t jive with Charlie.
“Well maybe if someone hadn’t hit the sidewalk in front of the emergency room and had to wait for a police escort I could have been happily drugged up for my delivery as planned.” I concede that she may have a point. The look she is giving me could wither a lesser man and while I’ve got my swimmers tied up, I know now that knocking her up less than a month after the wedding the first time was asking for trouble. What can I say? I’ve got super sperm and her lady parts were happy to make my guys feel right at home.
“Crashing into the emergency room sidewalk was only once. In my defense that ambulance should not have taken up the entire two lanes.” Casey’s look suggests she doesn’t like what I’m saying at all and I remind myself to buy her something expensive. She hates that even more and it will probably save my ass and whatever balls she leaves me with.
“A watermelon, James. Fuck you, a watermelon.” She snaps the dish towel against her leg and I’m really glad I’m safely ensconced here on the couch out of her whipping range. My wife has deadly aim when needed.
The second time, our youngest was almost born inside the building’s elevator because the power went out in a freak accident when a transformer blew. I don’t really want to rehash how I should also be in charge of the city power company according to Casey, and how living in a penthouse is also my fault when your wife is in the midst of labor.
“Alright, you win this round, Mrs. Austin.” Wincing I press the frozen bag to my crotch and shiver with relief. This must be the kid’s food since the packaging has dancing carrot sticks on it looking happy which is unfair since my stick of business is anything but happy
. Coolness permeates my lounge pants and takes the fiery discomfort away for a moment.
“Of course I do, James, I’ve got your nut sack in my purse now.” She isn’t very remorseful but I forgive her easily. The things I would do for this woman I love so damn much. The vasectomy was worth the pain because I’m getting us a weekend babysitter to help Tabitha and then I’m totally banging my hot curvy wife in every room of this penthouse when it’s all over.
“How are my babies?” Just thinking about Casper and Jamie warms my heart and reaffirms my manhood. Nothing says bull like fathering a boy and then a girl on the first shot, though the last time I said that I ended up sleeping on the couch. Casey is a little sensitive about pushing out two kids from the same place after both being more than twelve hours of labor and nine pounds of baby a piece.
“The tiny terrors are sleeping and Charlie has taken up guard duty outside the nursery.” She smiles and I know she’s thinking about how the four and three year old will wake up from their nap, and run into the bedroom just to pounce on me.
Like I said, my wife is an evil woman.
I feel like whining just a little to milk this for all its worth. “Can we send them to their Godparents, yet?” Teasing her has got to be one of the best perks of married life.
“I don’t know if Eli is ready for that.” She laughs.
Poor Eli didn’t exactly volunteer to be named Godparent to Casper, but Casey was adamant and I think he was maybe a smidge afraid of my wife.
“Don’t you have shoes to buy or dinner to make me?”
“Humph… Maybe to beat you with, or poison you.” She’s joking, I know she is, well I think she is, but the glint in her eyes keeps me on my toes.
“Come here.” I motion her to come over and Casey brushes the hair back on my head and I pull her in for a hug.
“My poor big baby.” She coos sitting down close to me careful of my legs and the frozen carrots on my lap.