by Alyson Noel
He stands before me, arm raised to his side, parallel to the concrete floor. Nodding as he says, “Now go ahead, place your two fingers on my arm and give it a little push downward as I resist and push up. Nothing funny here, I promise. You’ll see.”
My eyes meet his, seeing the challenge in his gaze and knowing I have no choice but to go forward and meet it, since he alone holds the key. I have to play the game, his rules, his way.
I stare at his arm hovering before me, tanned, strong, begging to be touched. And even though I know I can’t do it, can’t contain it, still, I clench my teeth and try. Pressing my fingers against it, the chill of his skin emanating through the soft, silky fabric of his sleeve, causing the dark flame inside me to spark and blaze.
Roman’s voice a soft, thick whisper in my ear when he says, “Feel that?”
I look at him, aware of nothing more than the insistent pulse now thrumming inside me as my body fills with heat. Heat that seeks nothing more than his cool, sweet relief.
“Okay, so now I want you to ask me a question, a simple yes or no question, one that you already know the answer to. Giving me a moment to concentrate on the answer and state it both mentally and verbally as you try to push my arm down with two fingers.”
I glance between my watch and him, knee jiggling like crazy, knowing I don’t have much longer.
But he just nods, arm raised, encouraging gaze on mine. “The truth strengthens, lies weaken—now’s your chance to test that theory on me, so we can then test it on you. It’s the only way to prove what you really do want, Ever. So, go ahead, ask me a question, whatever you want. I’ll even lower my shield so you can read my thoughts and see I’m not cheating.”
He looks at me, the weight of his gaze causing my pulse to quicken and my heart to crash until I can’t—I can’t—
“Ask me a question, Ever.” He peers at me closely. “Ask me anything you want. The sooner we finish with me, the sooner we can get on to you and determine just what it is you desire most.”
I stand beside him, struggling to steel myself, to center myself, but it’s no use, I can’t do it, can’t play this game anymore.
“Would you rather we skip ahead?” he asks, gaze moving over me, slowly, deeply. “Would you prefer I test you instead?”
He waits, giving me a moment to collect myself, to take a deep breath and bid a silent plea to Hecate, asking her for the strength to get through this, to get what I came for. But when I look at Roman again, I realize Hecate has left me, I’m all on my own.
“It is the antidote you want, right?” he asks, turning toward me, so close I can feel his breath on my cheek, his lips just inches from mine. “That is the one true thing you desire above all else?”
Yes! I shout, the word coming from somewhere down deep as my mind repeats it with such force I’m sure he can hear it.
Only he can’t hear it.
Because it was never voiced.
It’s just an empty sound that bounces around in my head until it finally dies out.
And the second his eyes meet mine—I’m gone.
The flame roaring through me, setting my body ablaze, as my fingers, hungry for the feel of his flesh, grasp and claw at that smooth expanse of golden tanned chest.
“Careful, luv.” He grips my wrists and pulls me tightly to him, eyes narrowed, lips moist and wet. “I’ve never been one for the scratch marks, no matter how fast they may fade.” Holding me away from him as his gaze trails down my body—hungry, predatory, and I the banquet before him. “Also, we’ll have none of this nonsense.” He laughs, loosening the amulet from my neck and tossing it clear to the other side of the room where it rolls and bounces and clinks against the ground.
But I don’t care about that, don’t care about anything but the feel of his fingers snaking their way down my back, the way he buries his face in my hair and presses his nose to my neck, inhaling strongly, deeply, filling himself with my scent. His gaze burning into mine as he lifts me into his arms and lowers me onto the couch. Ridding himself of his jacket and unfastening his jeans as I run my hands over his skin and pull him down to me, eager for the feel of his kiss, his lips upon mine.
Gasping when he pushes me away, removes my hands from his neck, and says, “Take it easy, luv. You’re the one who doesn’t like all that foreplay, remember? There’s plenty of time for that later, but first, let’s get this thing done. After all, you’ve been waiting for—what? Four hundred years, is it?”
I pull him back to me, hungry for more—more of his skin—more of the taste of him—my body pushing, arching, desperate to meet his, my lips swollen, greedy for all he can give. Wanting him to want me in the way I want him, and willing to do whatever it takes to get him to kiss me—then suddenly remembering just what that is . . .
He wedges his knee between mine, losing his jeans and squaring his hips, positioning himself as he says, “This’ll only hurt a minute, luv, and then—”
And then he looks at me and everything stops—his eyes glazed with longing, lips parted in wonder, as that look—the look I’ve been longing for, yearning for, suddenly takes over.
The look that tells me he wants me—needs me—as much as I want and need him.
I pull him down to me, desperate to finally feel the press of his lips when he bends toward me, voice a whisper of hushed reverence when he says, “Drina—”
I pull back, squinting, confused, looking into his eyes and seeing what he sees—flaming red hair, porcelain skin, emerald green eyes—a reflection that doesn’t belong to—me.
“Drina . . .” he mumbles, “Drina, I . . .”
And while my body’s still responding, encouraging his touch, his gentle caress of my skin, my heart’s shrinking back, refusing to play. Something is wrong—something’s gone very—very—wrong—something that clings to the outer edges, just starting to form and take shape, when he tugs at my dress and it slips right away.
And when I gaze at him, see that glazed look in his eyes, I know it’s almost here. My birthday gift—the thing I wanted most—is about to be mine.
Vaguely aware that from this moment on, nothing will ever be the same.
Nothing.
Never. Ever. Again.
He moves my legs apart as I brace for that brief flash of pain. Turning my head to face the mirror on the far wall, only to be met by an image of a girl with flaming red hair, luminescent pale skin, emerald green eyes, and a smile so feral I recognize it immediately.
The same image he sees when he looks at me.
Only it’s not really me. Not me at all!
“Ready, luv?” Roman gazes down at me, anticipation marked on his face.
And while my head nods in assent and my body lifts to meet his, it’s not really me who’s responding. The monster may rule my body, but it’s got nothing to do with my heart or my soul.
Like Roman said earlier: In the end, the truth always wins.
And lucky for me, my soul knows the score.
I close my eyes and focus on my heart chakra, seeing that spinning green wheel of energy emanating right from the center of my chest, encouraging it to grow outward, expand, getting bigger and bigger until—
Roman mumbles my name, only it’s not really my name, it’s her name, voice thick with anticipation, eager to begin, having no idea what I’m up to, that, for a moment anyway, I’ve managed to win.
I bring my knee up and jam it straight into him. My ears ringing with the sound of his agonized scream, as his hands clutch between his legs and his eyes roll back in his head. I slip out from under him, moving hurriedly, quickly, knowing it’s just a matter of seconds before he’s healed and back at full strength again.
“Where are you hiding it?” I ask, frantically tugging on my clothes and slamming my amulet back down around my neck, knowing without looking that he sees me as the blond-haired, blue-eyed me again. “Where is it?” I demand, glancing around the small, well-ordered lab.
He ducks his head, carefully inspecting himself, as h
e mutters, “Damn it, Ever—”
But I’ve no time for that. “Tell me where it is!” I shout, struggling to focus on my heart chakra as I clutch the amulet tightly to my chest.
“Are you crazy?” He shrugs on his jeans and scowls. “You pull a crap move like that and expect me to help you?” He shakes his head. “Forget it. You could’ve had that antidote, you could’ve walked away with it ten minutes ago, but you made your choice, Ever. Fair and square as we both know. I was fully prepared to hand it over, and no, it’s not here, so don’t bother ransacking the place in search of it. Seriously, just how daft do you think I am?” He pulls on his smoking jacket and yanks it closed across his chest, as though to keep from tempting me again. But despite the monster still clamoring inside, I’m no longer interested. The beast may be alive and well, but my heart and soul are now leading. “I was fully prepared to lead you to it, but you chose otherwise. And just because you had a last minute change of heart—” He lifts his brow in a way that tells me he knows the source of my strength. “That doesn’t change a thing. You chose me, Ever. I’m what you wanted most. But now, after the stunt you just pulled, you’ll get neither.” He shakes his head. “No second chances after a crap move like that.”
I stand before him, the dark flame raging within, urging me toward those ocean blue eyes, golden tousle of hair, moist waiting lips, trim, slinky hips . . .
“No,” I mumble, taking a step back. “I don’t want you. I’ve never wanted you. It’s not me—it’s—it’s something else. This isn’t my fault, I’m not in control!”
I press my lips together, knowing there’s only one way out of here, but that I shouldn’t do it in front of him, shouldn’t raise his suspicions like that. But still, it’s not like I can trust my legs to carry me anywhere but to his bed.
I clutch the amulet to my chest as I concentrate on the shimmering, golden veil. Envisioning the portal to Summerland and seeing it spring open before me, just about to step through when he says, “Foolish Ever, don’t you realize there’s no longer any difference between you and your—monster? You are the monster. It’s your dark side, your shadow self, and you’ve now joined as one.”
twenty-six
I land in that vast fragrant field. Reluctantly, guiltily, knowing I shouldn’t have done it. Shouldn’t have come here like this. Shouldn’t have let Roman watch me disappear. But what choice did I have?
My resolve was running thin, chipped away by the monster within, and just a few seconds more in his presence would’ve surely been the end. The end of me. The end of all I hold dear.
Because the thing is—Roman is right. Totally and completely right. The only reason I lost, the only reason I failed to get what I want, is because the monster is me, there’s no difference between us. It makes all the moves, calls all the shots, while I’m just along for the ride, with no idea how to pull the brakes or get off. I’m all out of options. I’ve no idea where to turn. All I know is:
The reversal spell failed, as did the bid to Hecate.
And Damen, well, Damen can’t save me.
Can’t ever learn about the repulsive thing I almost just did.
Can’t spend the next hundred years saving me from myself.
I’ve sunk so deep, fallen so far, there’s no getting up. No getting my life back on track. No way I can head back to the earth plane and risk all of that.
So I wander, with absolutely no destination in mind and no idea what I’ll do once I get there. I wander along the rainbow-colored stream, feet moving idly, unhurried, just ambling along, barely paying any notice when the stream ends and the ground beneath my feet becomes a mushy, soggy, wet path.
Barely noticing when the air cools by several degrees, and that light golden shimmer grows thicker, denser, hard to see through.
And maybe that explains my shock when I see it. When I realize I’ve unknowingly reached the place where the mist is always at its thickest, where it’s easy to get turned around to the point of no return. Taking in its familiar sloping outline, the frayed and worn ropes, the slatted, splintering wood, its shape wavering in and out of focus, obscured by the fog, but still, even so, there’s no denying what it is.
No mistaking the bridge that crosses to the other side.
The Bridge of Souls.
I kneel down beside it, knees sinking into the damp, mist-laden earth, wondering if it’s some kind of sign, if I was led here on purpose, if I’m meant to finally cross it.
What if the opportunity I previously denied is now being offered again? A no-questions-asked, special deal for repeat customers like me.
I reach for the handrail, an old frayed rope that looks as though it could snap at any second, seeing the way the fog grows increasingly thicker toward the middle, becoming so dense, its final destination is a white, shrouded mystery. Reminding myself that this is the very same bridge I urged Riley to cross, the same one that my parents and Buttercup took to the other side. And if they were able to cross it and come out okay, then really, how bad could it be?
I mean, what if I just got up, brushed myself off, took a deep breath, and crossed it?
What if all it takes to solve all my problems, rid myself of the monster, extinguish this flame, and see my family again is just one small step, followed by another?
A handful of steps toward their warm, welcoming arms.
A handful of steps away from Roman, Haven, the twins, Ava, and the horrible mess that I’ve made.
A handful of steps toward the peace that I seek.
I mean, seriously, what could it hurt? Surely I’ll find my family all waiting for me—just like you see on all those afterlife shows on TV?
I grasp the rope tighter and push myself to my feet, my legs shaky, unstable, as I lean forward ever so slightly and strain to get a better view. Wondering just how far I’d have to go before I’d reach the point of no return. Remembering how Riley claimed to make it about halfway, before she turned right back around and went looking for me, only to get so confused by the mist, she couldn’t find it again—or at least not for a while anyway.
But even if I did decide to keep going, make my way clear across to the other side, would the final destination be the same for me as it was for them? Or would it be more like a freight train suddenly switching its tracks, leading me toward the eternal abyss of the Shadowland instead of the sweet ever after?
I take a deep breath and shift, lifting my foot off the wet soggy ground, just about to make a move when I’m suddenly overcome by a soothing wave of calm—a peaceful rush that can only mean one thing—that only one person can yield in me. A calm so opposite Damen’s tingle and heat, I’m not the least bit surprised when I turn to find Jude beside me.
“You know where that leads, right?” He motions toward the gently swaying bridge, struggling to keep his voice crisp, clear, but the nervous tremor reveals all.
“I know where it leads for other people.” I shrug, glancing between him and the bridge. “Though I’ve no idea where it’ll take me.”
He squints, head tilted as he studies me slowly, carefully, proceeding with caution when he says, “It leads to the other side. For everyone. No separate lines. No segregation of any kind. Leave that sort of judgment for the earth plane, not here.”
I shrug, unconvinced. He doesn’t know what I know. Hasn’t seen what I’ve seen. So how could he possibly know anything about what does or doesn’t apply to me?
“Even so.” He nods, sensing my thoughts loud and clear. “I’m just not sure you should even be considering that yet. Life is short enough already, you know? Even on the days when it seems really, really long. By the time it’s all over, it’s really just a flash, a blip in eternity, trust me on that.”
“Maybe for you, but not for me,” I say, meeting his gaze in a way so open and honest it’s clear I’m inviting him in. Ready to spill, confide the whole sordid tale, lay it all out on the table, everything I’ve held back all along—all he has to do is ask and the full confession is his. “For me, it’
s hardly what you’d call a blip.”
He rubs his chin and merges his brow, clearly trying to make sense of my words.
And that’s all it takes. His desire to understand, and it all comes tumbling out. Everything. All of it. A complete and total spillage of words, coming so fast and furious they’re all mumbled and jumbled together. Stretching all the way back to that very first day at the site of the accident, when Damen first fed me the elixir and turned me into what I am now, to the truth about Roman, who he really is, and how he ensured that Damen and I can never be together, about Ava and the twins and the strange past that connects them, how I turned Haven into a freak like me, about the chakras and how targeting our weaknesses is the only way to obliterate us, and, of course, I tell him about the Shadowland, the eternal abyss where all immortals go—the only thing that’s keeping me on this side of the bridge. The words spewing so quickly I can’t stop them. Don’t even try to stop them. So relieved to unburden myself, egged on by his efforts to stay calm, to not totally freak, to just let me continue saying my piece.
And when I get to the part about Roman, about my horrible attraction to him, how the insistent dark flame continues to burn within me, and the degrading moment I just barely escaped, he looks at me and says, “Ever, please, slow down. I can barely keep it all straight.”
I nod, my heart racing, cheeks flushing, my arms wrapped tightly around me. My hair clinging in long, stringy, wet clumps to my cheeks, my shoulders, my back, weighted down by heavy, round dewdrops that continue to fall without ceasing. Watching as a virtual chorus line of new arrivals eagerly make their way to the other side, the bridge drooping and swaying as they march straight ahead, each of their eyes emitting the most miraculous, glorious light.
“Listen, can we—go someplace else?” He nods toward the line of people so long, I wonder if some sort of catastrophe has just taken place. “I’m a little creeped out by all this.”
“You’re the one who decided to come here.” I shrug, feeling inexplicably defensive, not to mention plagued by confessor’s remorse. I mean, here I just exposed my story, in all its hushed, secretive entirety, just laid it all out there in the open for him to see, and all he can say is slow down and let’s split this scene? I shake my head and roll my eyes. That is hardly the feedback I was looking for. “I mean, seriously. It’s not like I invited you to join me, you just showed up.”