by H. L. Logan
Shaking my head, I dropped my pants and stepped into the shower. It was still too cold, but clearly I needed the icy blast to clear my head. Goosebumps rose on my skin as the water poured over my chest.
I couldn’t date Jaz. She wasn’t my type… despite those gorgeous eyes, the long eyelashes, the slender frame… Yeah, not my type at all.
She was too young for me. Four years younger.
My student. Not anymore.
Too immature. Except she’s practically raised a bunch of kids and you’re struggling to deal with one.
Either way, what I’d told her on the phone was true. This wasn’t the time to be starting any kind of relationship. I had a newborn to care for, and a sister who’d seemingly vanished into thin air to track down. If this was meant to be, it could wait until I was at a better time in my life.
The chilly shower was starting to heat up, and Jaz’s face was still front and center in my mind. I’m a goner now…
Turning to let the warming water hit my back, I grabbed the soap from its dish. I was just going to shower, nothing else. So what if I was alone without Gretchen for the first time in what felt like a month? Getting off wasn’t exactly at the top of my priority list these days. Masturbating would mean leaving the baby alone for a few minutes longer than necessary. Bad enough I was leaving her this long.
I soaped myself up, trying not to imagine that it was Jaz’s hands on me instead of my own. Get a grip, Faye. You can live without one little orgasm.
Except if it really was one little orgasm, then it really wasn’t such a big deal, right? My sudsed-up hands paused at my waist, and I swallowed hard as Jaz’s dark hair and denim jacket floated through my mind. Not now. I forced my hands to move past my aching mound. Not thinking about her.
I soaped up my thighs and calves, almost proud of myself for resisting the temptation.
When I straightened up, though, the region I’d skipped still needed to be washed. And when my hand brushed over it, I couldn’t ignore the thrills that coursed through me.
“Oh, fuck it,” I said out loud, and slid a finger between my legs.
The baby monitor hadn’t made a sound. I could make this quick. Crank one out fast, just to relieve the built-up tension. I wasn’t going to stand here and linger.
A few quick rubs had me panting for breath, and my gut tightened with the sudden sensations. Putting one hand on the shower wall, I leaned in and closed my eyes. With the warm water spraying over me, it was easy to imagine I was in a whole other world apart from the trials and tribulations of reality.
With my hand moving rapidly, Jaz’s face popped, unwanted, into my mind. I could see every detail of it clearly, as if she was in front of me. Those big eyes darkening with lust… those pink lips parting to let me in…
My hips jerked forward on their own as I pictured myself thrusting against Jaz’s tongue. I was close to the edge by the time I managed to pull back from the fantasy.
Think of someone else, Faye. Anyone else!
Fucking who? I tried to picture my usual go-to, Michelle Rodriguez—but after less than a second, her pointed jaw morphed to Jaz’s more rounded one, followed in quick succession by the rest of her features. As much as I tried to force her back to her movie-star good looks, she insisted on being Jaz.
My hand paused on its mission, and I strained to think of someone else who could replace her. An ex, maybe? Brenda? I brought her image into my head, but my arousal waned at the thought of being with her. That woman couldn’t turn me on now that I knew what a complete psycho she was.
Luckily enough, Jaz was still there in the back of my mind, and she nudged Brenda out of the way. “I’ll take over from here,” she told me with a grin. Oh, hell… why am I bothering to fight this?
One more flick of my fingers and I was over the edge, exploding on the tip of Jaz’s enthusiastic tongue.
I pushed myself up weakly and splashed water on the wall. As I climbed out of the shower, I was physically satisfied… just mentally completely ashamed of myself.
My lips pinched together as I dried off. I supposed what I’d just done wasn’t the worst thing in the world, but still, surely I could’ve restrained myself from fantasizing about a student.
A now-familiar sound pierced the air. Wrapping the towel around my waist, I went to peek into the bassinet. Gretchen’s face was scrunched-up and red, and her fists clenched uselessly in the air.
“Got hungry ahead of schedule, did you?” I asked, smoothing down a flyaway hair. “I’ll go get you some formula.”
I filled a bottle with water and scooped some formula powder inside.
I hadn’t asked for Gretchen to be in my life… but I was getting used to her being here. Whether I’d sought this child out or not, she was here for the time being. And so was Jaz.
Maybe this wasn’t a great time to start a relationship. But who’d even said anything about a relationship? Jaz had tried to touch me, not asked me to marry her.
So maybe we wouldn’t be girlfriends.
What if we just had casual sex instead?
9
Jaz
“I got her a new bottle,” Faye said. “The other one was leaking.”
She handed over Gretchen and her bag. At this point, she had a gym-sized duffel bag that went along with her everywhere. Babies sure needed a ton of stuff! Other than a bunch of diapers, she had bottles and towels and layers of clothing. Faye and I’d each stuck an extra shirt of ours in, too. You could never be too careful. There was always the chance of a messy emergency.
Taking everything, I smiled at her. “Cool. So, I’ll see you around five.”
“Whenever’s good for you.”
It sounded like the end of the conversation, and I should’ve moved for the door… but she was still looking at me in a way that suggested I wasn’t quite dismissed.
I licked my lips and took a step back. “Around five. Cool.”
Her eyes lingered on mine. Fuck, if she kept doing that I was going to soak through my panties right here in her office. Why was she staring so hard?
It seemed like she’d been looking at me more—or deeper, or longer, or something—over the past few days. Well, actually… I could trace it back to the night we’d drank the juice boxes in her car.
She cleared her throat. “Got any special plans tonight?”
“Uh… I might go to a DJ night with some friends.”
Her eyes crinkled. “Good for you. You work too much, between the TAing and your thesis and Gretchen. Get out and do some fun things once in a while.”
“I try.”
She was still looking at me, so I adjusted the bag’s strap on my shoulder instead of heading for the door. “Why? What are you up to?”
“Oh, nothing.”
“Did you want to… I don’t have to go to the DJ night.”
“No, no, that’s fine. Have a good time with your friends.”
Now I was dismissed. I walked out, unsure if I’d just missed my chance to spend more time with the woman of my dreams.
I definitely had some ideas about why she might’ve been looking at me more. With the timing, it was hard to not get my hopes up about what might be going on in her head.
And even though I knew I shouldn’t be thinking about Faye that way, a frisson of excitement still ran through me when Andrew texted to let me know our group had decided to go to jazz night at another bar instead.
>JAZ: Know it’s ironic, but I’m not really into jazz. Rain check?
>ANDREW: All right, see you next time.
It wasn’t a lie or anything. Jazz wasn’t my favorite, and I might’ve skipped this if Faye hadn’t hinted at doing something tonight.
I dropped Faye a quick line to let her know I’d be free if she felt like having another chat over orange juice. Then I jammed my phone as far into my pocket as I could and tried my best to focus on studying.
Naturally, my resolve to not look at my phone lasted all of thirty seconds. Luckily for me, Faye had already replie
d.
>FAYE: All right, great. Bring Gretchen to my office as usual and we’ll go from there.
The day dragged endlessly after that. Trying to focus on intricate, metaphor-laden verse was basically impossible when I had Faye to think about. After a while of not getting anywhere, I turned my attention to the undergrads’ quizzes. My eyes fuzzed over as soon as I tried to evaluate their theories about Shakespeare’s subconscious messages about capitalism.
“I give up,” I told Gretchen, who lay swaddled up at the back of the study carrel. “You want to go to story hour?”
The public library a few streets away held a story hour on Wednesdays at one pm. I hadn’t taken Gretchen yet because I usually managed to focus on the myriad other things I had to get done. Today, though? A children’s book sounded like the only thing I might actually be able to follow.
I took Gretchen’s hiccup as a yes, and we arrived at the other library a few minutes later. I balanced her and her bag as I searched for the right room. The librarian was already opening a picture book as we walked in.
“Just in time.” She pointed us to an empty seat. “We were about to read The Very Hungry Caterpillar.”
“My favorite.” I smiled at her and settled in, Gretchen on my knee.
The room was full of other kids, from babies up to five or six. As I glanced around, I found myself examining their parents. Most were a bit older than me, but some seemed about my age. Faye would’ve fit in fine here if she ever had a day off work to bring Gretchen in.
My eyes nearly popped out when I saw there was even a lesbian couple in attendance. Two women in their early thirties had their hands linked under the table. Their little girl was looking at the front of the room, already rapt—but their two boys were bouncing on their chairs and poking each other.
The scene made me wish Faye could’ve been here with me and Gretchen. Then again, we wouldn’t be holding hands. Maybe once she was a little older… I couldn’t even let myself imagine it. Faye had been so evasive about whether she could imagine dating me in the future. And avoiding the question seemed pretty close to a no.
I was about to let out a sigh, but the librarian started reading, and that perked me up a bit. I propped Gretchen up so we could both look at her. I’d read this book to my cousins a hundred times when I was in my teens, and I found myself mouthing the words silently as the story went on.
Coming here was the right decision for today. Gretchen needed to go to places like this. Sometimes it seemed like Faye and I were so busy just keeping her fed and changed, we didn’t take the time to stimulate her intellectually.
Granted she was less than a month old, but you had to start exposing kids to stuff early. We should’ve been playing classical music for her. Apparently that could influence a fetus while it was still in the womb, and from what I knew about Gretchen’s mom, I highly doubted she’d done anything like that.
Irritated at the thought of Amanda, I hugged Gretchen closer to me. Maybe it was mean, but I hoped Gretchen would never have to go back to her. I didn’t want her to grow up without her mother, but how shitty did a mom have to be to leave her baby like that?
I had my own selfish reasons, too. I’d miss Gretchen a lot when I had to let go of her. But she wasn’t mine, even if I sometimes felt like I was playing the role of a parent.
The librarian closed the book and I stood up, refreshed and relaxed by the reading.
I’d have my own kids one day. If anything, this time with Gretchen was making it clear how much I wanted to have one—or several.
But all of that was in the future. Gretchen was like a practice run. A rough draft.
I couldn’t get too attached to her. And that should’ve been easy. She was only a couple weeks old. She didn’t have a personality yet. There was nothing there to grow fond of.
And yet as I cradled her to my heart, I knew somewhere deep inside me that we’d bonded.
And I felt just as surely that I’d break a little the day I had to give her up.
* * *
At five on the dot, I arrived at Faye’s office. The door was open, so I walked in—but I stopped short when I saw she already had someone inside.
The gray-haired woman was seated in the chair I usually took. I wheeled around, ready to kill some time and drop Gretchen off later.
Before I could go, Faye called out to me. “Jaz, there you are. Do you know Pauline? She’s the secretary of alumni affairs.”
“Oh… no. We’ve might’ve emailed before, if you’re the one who handles the grad rings.”
“I am,” she said with a smile.
I shook her hand, although I was confused. I glanced at Faye, silently asking what is she doing here?
“This must be little Gretchen. It’s so wonderful to finally meet you properly,” Pauline said to the baby, then looked at me. “I came to see who was crying when she first got here, but Faye kicked all of us out pretty quick.” Back to Gretchen. “We’re going to have such a good time together!”
Okay… I was still missing something. I looked at Faye, hoping for an explanation.
“Pauline’s going to babysit Gretchen tonight,” she told me.
What? But I babysat Gretchen. Had I messed up somehow? Why would she need a sitter other than me?
Seeing the look on my face, Faye explained further. “I figured if someone else was looking after Gretchen, you and I could relax for once.”
Oh. I guessed that was okay.
Still, I felt a little funny as I handed Gretchen’s bag to Pauline. “She’s the world’s sweetest baby,” I told her. “Make sure she eats enough, because she doesn’t always cry when she’s hungry. If she starts fussing, that means she’s probably ready for her bottle. All her stuff is in here, I doubt you’ll need anything that isn’t there. And let me give you my number in case anything does come up.”
Pauline blinked at me, then laughed. “It’s all right. I already have Faye’s.”
I saw no other way to procrastinate on handing the baby over. I undid the sling and helped Pauline get it around her neck.
“I’ll see you later, Gretchen. Be good for Pauline.” I gave her a kiss on the forehead.
I felt a little empty as Faye and I walked out of the office. How could I be so jealous? I left Gretchen with Faye all the time. Usually at this hour, too.
But that was different. She was her caregiver, not to mention her aunt. Pauline was some stranger. Of course I was going to worry about her.
“She’ll be fine without us,” Faye said. She was walking awfully close to me, and she nudged me in the ribs as we approached the building exit.
Suddenly I remembered that I was alone with Faye for the night. “What were your plans, anyway?”
“I thought maybe we could get that drink I owe you.”
Right, she’d said she was going to buy me a drink. She was just sticking to her word. Nothing romantic about this.
We made small talk as we crossed the campus and entered King’s Tooth. Somehow I felt like there was something Faye wanted to say, something she was holding back.
You’re just trying to convince yourself there’s something to this that there isn’t. She already told you how she feels. She’s being nice, and that’s all.
Once we were sitting down with some beers, Faye asked about my day. I told her about my inability to focus, which seemed to make her unhappy. But she listened with evident pleasure when I told her about taking Gretchen to story hour.
“I never knew there was one,” she said. “How did you hear about it?”
My face heated up. “I did some googling about events for babies in the Rosebridge area. They have kid-friendly afternoon movies at the theater on Peach Street once a week, too.”
“Let me know if you want to go. I’ll pay your admission.”
“I’d pay.” I inched my chair closer to the table. “It’s not an issue, Faye. Every second I spend with Gretchen is a joy.”
Her lips twitched. “You miss her now, don’t you?”
<
br /> “A ridiculous amount.”
We talked about Gretchen some more, then about my thesis, and then about poetry in general. Faye didn’t ask me to quote any more lines, thank fuck!
But by the time the bill came at the end, I got the feeling Faye was still keeping quiet about something.
Okay, fine, I’ll admit it. I thought—hoped—she hadn’t told me the real reason she’d invited me out.
As we walked out to our cars, she did seem more reticent than usual. She barely spoke until we arrived in front of my Honda.
At that point, she pressed her lips together. She looked me in the eye, then darted her gaze away. “Listen, Jaz…” she said, looking at the ground.
“Yeah?”
My heart beat faster. Something romantic. Something romantic.
“When I called you last time… when we talked about my suspicions…”
Her long pauses were driving me up the fucking wall. I had half a mind to grab her and shake the words out of her. “Yeah?”
“I… I didn’t really let you have a chance to speak.” She caught my eye for half a second, then looked at the pavement again. “I was talking about students who had hopes of dating their professors. I thought it might be, uh, relevant to your life.”
I opened my mouth to yell “It was!”—but Faye wasn’t done.
“It didn’t occur to me at the time, and it did happen to cross my mind since, that sometimes interest might be more… of a carnal variety.”
I blinked. Then blinked again.
I blinked so many times I was probably mid-blink when Faye looked up and met my eyes again. “With everything that’s going on for me, I still don’t think it’s the right time for me to begin any official entanglements. But…”
“But…?”
She cringed, visibly uncomfortable with having to speak the words out loud. “But a physical one, I… I mean… maybe I could manage.”
My throat went dry. Dr. Faye Charlotte Erwin wanted to be fuck buddies.
My inner nympho was leaping for joy. Oh, my inner nympho was more than happy about this new development.