I took Peggotty to the coach-office and saw her off. She cried at parting, and confided her brother to my friendship as Ham had done. We had heard nothing of him since he went away, that sunny afternoon.
"And now, my own dear Davy," said Peggotty, "if, while you're a prentice, you should want any money to spend, or if, when you're out of your time, my dear, you should want any to set you up (and you must do one or other, or both, my darling), who has such a good right to ask leave to lend it to you, as my sweet girl's own old stupid me!"
I was not so savagely independent as to say anything in reply, but that, if ever I borrowed money of any one, I would borrow it of her. Next to accepting a large sum on the spot, I believe this gave Peggotty more comfort than anything I could have done.
"And, my dear!" whispered Peggotty, "tell the pretty little angel that I should so have liked to see her, only for a minute! And tell her that before she marries my boy, I'll come and make your house so beautiful for you, if you'll let me!"
I declared that nobody else should touch it, and this gave Peggotty such delight, that she went away in good spirits.
I fatigued myself as much as I possibly could in the Commons all day, by a variety of devices, and, at the appointed time in the evening repaired to Mr. Mills's street. Mr. Mills, who was a terrible fellow to fall asleep after dinner, had not yet gone out, and there was no bird-cage in the middle window.
He kept me waiting so long that I fervently hoped the club would fine him for being late. At last he came out, and then I saw my own Dora hang up the bird-cage, and peep into the balcony to look for me, and run in again when she saw I was there, while Jip remained behind, to bark injuriously at an immense butcher's dog in the street, who could have taken him like a pill.
Dora came to the drawing-room door to meet me, and Jip came scrambling out, tumbling over his own growls, under the impression that I was a Bandit, and we all three went in, as happy and loving as could be. I soon carried desolation into the bosom of our joys--not that I meant to do it, but that I was so full of the subject--by asking Dora, without the smallest preparation, if she could love a beggar?
My pretty, little, startled Dora! Her only association with the word was a yellow face and a nightcap, or a pair of crutches, or a wooden leg, or a dog with a decanter-stand in his mouth, or something of that kind, and she stared at me with the most delightful wonder.
"How can you ask me anything so foolish?" pouted Dora. "Love a beggar!"
"Dora, my own dearest!" said I. "I am a beggar!"
"How can you be such a silly thing," replied Dora, slapping my hand, "as to sit there, telling such stories? I'll make Jip bite you!"
Her childish way was the most delicious way in the world to me, but it was necessary to be explicit, and I solemnly repeated:
"Dora, my own life, I am your ruined David!"
"I declare I'll make Jip bite you!" said Dora, shaking her curls, "if you are so ridiculous."
But I looked so serious that Dora left off shaking her curls, and laid her trembling little hand upon my shoulder, and first looked scared and anxious, then began to cry. That was dreadful. I fell upon my knees before the sofa, caressing her, and imploring her not to rend my heart, but, for some time, poor little Dora did nothing but exclaim "Oh dear! Oh dear!" And oh, she was so frightened! And where was Julia Mills! And oh, take her to Julia Mills, and go away, please! until I was almost beside myself.
At last, after an agony of supplication and protestation, I got Dora to look at me, with a horrified expression of face, which I gradually soothed until it was only loving, and her soft, pretty cheek was lying against mine. Then I told her, with my arms clasped round her, how I loved her, so dearly, and so dearly, how I felt it right to offer to release her from her engagement, because now I was poor, how I never could bear it, or recover it, if I lost her, how I had no fears of poverty, if she had none, my arm being nerved and my heart inspired by her, how I was already working with a courage such as none but lovers knew, how I had begun to be practical, and look into the future, how a crust well-earned was sweeter far than a feast inherited, and much more to the same purpose, which I delivered in a burst of passionate eloquence quite surprising to myself, though I had been thinking about it, day and night, ever since my aunt had astonished me.
"Is your heart mine still, dear Dora?" said I, rapturously, for I knew by her clinging to me that it was.
"Oh, yes!" cried Dora. "Oh, yes, it's all yours. Oh, don't be dreadful!"
I dreadful! To Dora!
"Don't talk about being poor, and working hard!" said Dora, nestling closer to me. "Oh, don't, don't!"
"My dearest love," said I, "the crust well-earned--"
"Oh, yes, but I don't want to hear any more about crusts!" said Dora. "And Jip must have a mutton-chop every day at twelve, or hell die!"
I was charmed with her childish, winning way. I fondly explained to Dora that Jip should have his mutton-chop with his accustomed regularity. I drew a picture of our frugal home, made independent by my labour--sketching in the little house I had seen at Highgate, and my aunt in her room upstairs.
"I am not dreadful now, Dora?" said I, tenderly.
"Oh, no no!" cried Dora. "But I hope your aunt will keep in her own room a great deal! And I hope she's not a scolding old thing!"
If it were possible for me to love Dora more than ever, I am sure I did. But I felt she was a little impracticable. It damped my new-born ardour, to find that ardour so difficult of communication to her. I made another trial. When she was quite herself again, and was curling Jip's ears, as he lay upon her lap, I became grave, and said:
"My own! May I mention something?"
"Oh, please don't be practical!" said Dora coaxingly. "Because it frightens me so!"
"Sweetheart!" I returned, "there is nothing to alarm you in all this. I want you to think of it quite differently. I want to make it nerve you, and inspire you, Doral"
"Oh, but that's so shocking!" cried Dora.
"My love, no. Perseverance and strength of character will enable us to bear much worse things."
"But I haven't got any strength at all," said Dora, shaking her curls. "Have I, Jip? Oh, do kiss Jip, and be agreeable!"
It was impossible to resist kissing Jip, when she held him up to me for that purpose, putting her own bright, rosy little mouth into kissing form, as she directed the operation, which she insisted should be performed symmetrically, on the centre of his nose. I did as she bade me--rewarding myself afterwards for my obedience--and she charmed me out of my graver character for I don't know how long.
"But, Dora, my beloved!" said I, at last resuming it, "I was going to mention something."
The Judge of the Prerogative Court might have fallen in love with her, to see her fold her little hands and hold them up, begging and praying me not to be dreadful any more.
"Indeed I am not going to be, my darling!" I assured her. "But, Dora, my love, if you will sometimes think--not de-spondingly, you know, far from that!--but if you will sometimes think--just to encourage yourself--that you are engaged to a poor man--"
"Don't, don't! Pray don't!" cried Dora. "It's so very dreadful!"
"My soul, not at all!" said I cheerfully. "If you will sometimes think of that, and look about now and then at your papa's housekeeping, and endeavour to acquire a little habit --of accounts, for instance--"
Poor little Dora received this suggestion with something that was half a sob and half a scream.
"--It would be so useful to us afterwards," I went on. "And if you would promise me to read a little--a little Cookery Book that I would send you, it would be so excellent for both of us. For our path in life, my Dora," said I, warming with the subject, "is stony and rugged now, and it rests with us to smooth it. We must fight our way onward. We must be brave. There are obstacles to be met, and we must meet, and crush them!"
I was going on at a great rate, with a clenched hand, and a most enthusiastic countenance, but it was quite unnecessary to proceed
. I had said enough. I had done it again. Oh, she was so frightened! Oh, where was Julia Mills! Oh, take her to Julia Mills, and go away, please! So that, in short, I was quite distracted, and raved about the drawing-room.
I thought I had killed her, this time. I sprinkled water on her face. I went down on my knees. I plucked at my hair. I denounced myself as a remorseless brute and a ruthless beast. I implored her forgiveness. I besought her to look up. I ravaged Miss Mills's work-box for a smelling-bottle, and in my agony of mind applied an ivory needle-case instead, and dropped all the needles over Dora. I shook my fists at Jip, who was as frantic as myself. I did every wild extravagance that could be done, and was a long way beyond the end of my wits when Miss Mills came into the room.
"Who has done this!" exclaimed Miss Mills, succouring her friend.
I replied, "I, Miss Mills! I have done it! Behold the de stroyer!"--or words to that effect--and hid my face from the light, in the sofa cushion.
At first Miss Mills thought it was a quarrel, and that we were verging on the Desert of Sahara, but she soon found out how matters stood, for my dear affectionate little Dora, embracing her, began exclaiming that I was "a poor labourer," and then cried for me, and embraced me, and asked me would I let her give me all her money to keep, and then fell on Miss Mills's neck, sobbing as if her tender heart were broken.
Miss Mills must have been born to be a blessing to us. She ascertained from me in a few words what it was all about, comforted Dora, and gradually convinced her that I was not a labourer--from my manner of stating the case I believe Dora concluded that I was a navigator, and went balancing myself up and down a plank all day with a wheelbarrow--and so brought us together in peace. When we were quite composed, and Dora had gone upstairs to put some rose-water to her eyes, Miss Mills rang for tea. In the ensuing interval, I told Miss Mills that she was evermore my friend, and that my heart must cease to vibrate ere I could forget her sympathy.
I then expounded to Miss Mills what I had endeavoured, so very unsuccessfully, to expound to Dora. Miss Mills replied, on general principles, that the Cottage of content was better than the Palace of cold splendour, and that where love was, all was.
I said to Miss Mills that this was very true, and who should know it better than I, who loved Dora with a love that never mortal had experienced yet? But on Miss Mills observing, with despondency, that it were well indeed for some hearts if this were so, I explained that I begged leave to restrict the observation to mortals of the masculine gender.
I then put it to Miss Mills to say whether she considered that there was or was not any practical merit in the suggestion I had been anxious to make, concerning the accounts, the housekeeping, and the Cookery Book?
Miss Mills, after some consideration, thus replied:
"Mr. Copperfield, I will be plain with you. Mental suffering and trial supply, in some natures, the place of years, and I will be as plain with you as if I were a Lady Abbess. No. The suggestion is not appropriate to our Dora. Our dearest Dora is a favourite child of nature. She is a thing of light, and airiness, and joy. I am free to confess that if it could be done, it might be well, but--" And Miss Mills shook her head.
I was encouraged by this closing admission on the part of Miss Mills to ask her whether, for Dora's sake, if she had any opportunity of luring her attention to such preparations for an earnest life, she would avail herself of it? Miss Mills replied in the affirmative so readily, that I further asked her if she would take charge of the Cookery Book, and, if she ever could insinuate it upon Dora's acceptance, without frightening her, undertake to do me that crowning service. Miss Mills accepted this trust, too, but was not sanguine.
And Dora returned, looking such a lovely little creature, that I really doubted whether she ought to be troubled with anything so ordinary. And she loved me so much, and was so captivating (particularly when she made Jip stand on his hind legs for toast, and when she pretended to hold that nose of his against the hot tea-pot for punishment because he wouldn't), that I felt like a sort of Monster who had got into a Fairy's bower, when I thought of having frightened her, and made her cry.
After tea we had the guitar, and Dora sang those same dear old French songs about the impossibility of ever on any account leaving off dancing, La-ra-la, La-ra-la, until I felt a much greater Monster than before.
We had only one check to our pleasure, and that happened a little while before I took my leave, when, Miss Mills chancing to make some allusion to tomorrow morning, I unluckily let out that, being obliged to exert myself now, I got up at five o'clock. Whether Dora had any idea that I was a Private Watchman, I am unable to say, but it made a great impression on her, and she neither played nor sang any more.
It was still on her mind when I bade her adieu, and she said to me, in her pretty coaxing way--as if I were a doll, I used to think--
"Now, don't get up at five o'clock, you naughty boy. It's so nonsensical!"
"My love," said I, "I have work to do."
"But don't do itl" returned Dora. "Why should you?"
It was impossible to say to that sweet little surprised face, otherwise than lightly and playfully, that we must work, to live.
"Oh! How ridiculous!" cried Dora.
"How shall we live without, Dora?" said L
"How? Any how!" said Dora.
She seemed to think she had quite settled the question, and gave me such a triumphant little kiss, direct from her innocent heart, that I would hardly have put her out of conceit with her answer, for a fortune.
Well! I loved her, and I went on loving her, most absorb-ingly, entirely, and completely. But going on, too, working pretty hard, and busily keeping red-hot all the irons I now had in the fire, I would sit sometimes of a night, opposite my aunt, thinking how I had frightened Dora that time, and how I could best make my way with a guitar-case through the forest of difficulty, until I used to fancy that my head was turning quite grey.
CHAPTER XXXVIII
A Dissolution of Partership
DID NOT ALLOW MY RESOLUTION, WITH RESPECT TO THE Parliamentary Debates, to cool. It was one of the irons I began to heat immediately, and one of the irons I kept hot, and hammered at, with a perseverance I may honestly admire. I bought an approved scheme of the noble art and mystery of stenography (which cost me ten and sixpence), and plunged into a sea of perplexity that brought me, in a few weeks, to the confines of distraction. The changes that were rung upon dots, which in such a position meant such a thing, and in such another position something else, entirely different, the wonderful vagaries that were played by circles, the unaccountable consequences that resulted from marks like flies' legs, the tremendous effects of a curve in a wrong place, not only troubled my waking hours, but reappeared before me in my sleep. When I had groped my way, blindly, through these difficulties, and had mastered the alphabet, which was an Egyptian Temple in itself, there then appeared a procession of new horrors, called arbitrary characters, the most despotic characters I have ever known, who insisted, for instance, that a thing like the beginning of a cobweb, meant expectation, and that a pen-and-ink sky-rocket stood for disadvantageous. When I had fixed these wretches in my mind, I found that they had driven everything else out of it; then, beginning again, I forgot them; while I was picking them up, I dropped the other fragments of the system; in short, it was almost heart-breaking.
It might have been quite heart-breaking, but for Dora, who was the stay and anchor of my tempest-driven bark. Every scratch in the scheme was a gnarled oak in the forest of difficulty, and I went on cutting them down, one after another, with such vigour, that in three or four months I was in a condition to make an experiment on one of our crack speakers in the Commons. Shall I ever forget how the crack speaker walked off from me before I began, and left my imbecile pencil staggering about the paper as if it were in a fit!
This would not do, it was quite clear. I was flying too high, and should never get on, so. I resorted to Traddles for advice, who suggested that he should dictate speeches
to me, at a pace, and with occasional stoppage, adapted to my weakness. Very grateful for this friendly aid, I accepted the proposal, and night after night, almost every night, for a long time, we had a sort of private Parliament in Buckingham Street, after I came home from the Doctor's.
I should like to see such a Parliament anywhere else! My aunt and Mr. Dick represented the Government or the Opposition (as the case might be), and Traddles, with the assistance of Enfield's Speaker or a volume of parliamentary orations, thundered astonishing invectives against them. Standing by the table, with his finger in the page to keep the place, and his right arm flourishing above his head, Traddles, as Mr. Pitt, Mr. Fox, Mr. Sheridan, Mr. Burke, Lord Castlereagh, Viscount Sidmouth, or Mr. Canning, would work himself into the most violent heats, and deliver the most withering denunciations of the profligacy and corruption of my aunt and Mr. Dick, while I used to sit, at a little distance, with my notebook on my knee, fagging after him with all my might and main. The inconsistency and recklessness of Traddles were not to be exceeded by any real politician. He was for any description of policy, in the compass of a week, and nailed all sorts of colours to every denomination of mast. My aunt, looking very like an immovable Chancellor of the Exchequer, would occasionally throw in an interruption or two, as "Hear!" or "No!" or "Oh!" when the text seemed to require it, which was always a signal to Mr. Dick (a perfect country gentleman) to follow lustily with the same cry. But Mr. Dick got taxed with such things in the course of his Parliamentary career, and was made responsible for such awful consequences, that he became uncomfortable in his mind sometimes. I believe he actually began to be afraid he really had been doing something, tending to the annihilation of the British constitution, and the ruin of the country.
Often and often we pursued these debates until the clock pointed to midnight, and the candles were burning down. The result of so much good practice was that, by-and-by, I began to keep pace with Traddles pretty well, and should have been quite triumphant if I had had the least idea what my notes were about. But, as to reading them after I had got them, I might as well have copied the Chinese inscriptions on an immense collection of tea-chests, or the golden characters on all the great red and green bottles in the chemists' shops!
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