Brave Beginnings

by Ruth Ann Nordin

  When dessert was over, Julia helped his mother and her aunt with clearing the table while the men retired to the parlor to talk. Yes, this would be her life, should she choose to accept it. It would be a routine. Predictable and safe. Familiar. It could work. She could be content.

  Her mind cycled through these thoughts, and after awhile, she suspected that she was trying to convince herself that losing Chogan wasn’t the end of the world. There was life after him. She blinked back her tears as she helped dry the dishes. Ernest’s mother washed them, her aunt rinsed them, and she dried them. It was orderly. Predictable. Safe. Familiar. It was fine, and she could handle fine. Couldn’t she?

  “You’re awfully quiet,” Mrs. Freeman said, peering around Erin’s head to look at Julia.

  “Oh, that’s how Julia is,” her aunt replied. “She was a quiet girl too.”

  “Well, it’s nice to have you as a guest,” the woman added.

  Julia smiled and said thank you.

  After they were done, Mrs. Freeman gathered the tea set that was on a tray and led them out to the parlor where she placed the tray on the table in the middle of the room. “Drink it while it’s hot.” She poured the tea into the cups and handed them out to everyone.

  Julia took her cup and sat next to her aunt on the settee. Her aunt shot her a questioning glance but didn’t say anything. Yes, Julia knew she could have sat closer to Ernest. Ernest had a chair next to him, but she had been next to him at the meal and figured that was enough for one night. So his mother sat in the chair, and Ernest and his father, who remained across from each other, continued their discussion. It took Julia a good minute to realize they talked about the bank where Ernest worked.

  Julia yawned, and beside her, she felt her aunt’s body shake in a silent chuckle. She had to force her attention off of her aunt so she wouldn’t burst out laughing. Her aunt was just as bored as she was.

  “We can’t give out a loan to everyone who applies,” Ernest told his father. “There are some men who simply cannot pay the debt back, so we have to be selective about who we do business with.”

  “And that’s good,” his father agreed. “You don’t need undesirables over there.”

  “It is important to maintain the right image.”

  Julia’s mind began to wander as she sipped the sweet tea, and as it did, scattered accounts from the past came to mind. Most prominent were the times she’d spent hunting rabbits with Chogan.

  “You focus too much on me. I make you...nervous?” he asked.

  “Of course, you make me nervous. You know what you’re doing, and you’re watching me,” she replied.

  “I try to help.”

  “Maybe if you didn’t stare, then it would help.”

  “I watch your technique.”

  “Couldn’t you take a break and look at the rabbits?”

  “But I not make them stay still. They move as they will. I can help you.”

  She sighed. “It’s just unnerving, that’s all. I do better if I’m not being stared at all the time.”

  “But it is nice to look at you.”

  At the time, his meaning didn’t sink in, even though she suspected he meant that he found her to be beautiful. Now, looking back, she understood what he was trying to tell her. And then he had held her arms and angled the bow so she could shoot the arrow right. Her skin still tingled from the memory of his touch.

  She caught the tear before it slid down her cheek. She stared at the tea in her cup so she could quench the swell of emotion that threatened to come up to the surface. Not here. She could cry all she wanted to at home, but she couldn’t do it here.

  Her aunt, ever in tune with her thoughts, patted her arm and said, “The night is late. I believe we must be going.”

  Unable to finish the cup, Julia stood with her and nodded.

  Ernest also stood. “Let me walk you two home.”

  Julia glanced uneasily at her aunt, but she knew that since it was dark out, they would be better off having a man escort them home. Coming here tonight had been a mistake, and now she couldn’t avoid the question he was bound to ask her. She spent the entire evening trying to convince herself that she could agree, but she couldn’t. Her head argued for it; her heart continued to reject it. That was why her thoughts went in circles. Until she made the right decision, she would be stuck.

  Ernest took her coat before she could put it on.

  She offered a weak smile of thanks and let him slip it on. The knot in her stomach tightened. This wasn’t going to be fun. She saw what was coming and didn’t know how to stop it. She shot her aunt a desperate look, but her aunt wasn’t going to be able to prevent it any more than she could. All her aunt could do was offer a sympathetic smile before Ernest’s father helped her with her coat.

  Putting her hat on, Julia said a polite good-bye to Mr. and Mrs. Freeman, knowing very well they wouldn’t think kindly of her once they learned she didn’t want to entertain the affections of their son. As the three left the house, Julia pulled the coat tighter around her neck to ward off the chilly wind.

  “It was very nice of your parents to invite us over,” Erin said as they walked down the sidewalk.

  “When I told them you two moved to town, they were eager to see you and catch up on old times,” Ernest replied. “In some ways, it’s like time never passed.”

  He looked in Julia’s direction, so she quickly averted her gaze. Oh God, this was not going to be easy. She could only pray it would be quick so she could get away and hide in her bedroom for the rest of her life.

  “I wonder if it’ll snow,” Ernest commented.

  “It certainly feels like it. Where would you say that wind is coming from? The north?” her aunt replied.

  “There’s definitely a bitterness to it, so I’d guess you’re right.”

  “Then it’s likely we’re in for a snowfall.”

  Now Julia remembered why she didn’t want to marry Ernest when they were younger. He bored her. His topics didn’t seem to veer off from his job, the weather, or the people they knew. To someone else, this might be entertaining, but to her, it was monotonous. Safe and familiar had their benefits, but they had drawbacks too.

  She couldn’t put up with this for the rest of her life. She could see her future now...

  “Hello, honey. I’m home,” Ernest would say.

  “Hello, Ernest,” she’d reply, probably holding a child in her arms. “Junior walked today.”

  He’d pat Junior on the head, say, “Good boy,” and ask, “What’s for supper?”

  “The same thing we had yesterday and the day before that.”

  “Sounds great. I can’t wait to tell you about the boring thing that happened today at work.”

  She’d nod with a smile plastered on her face. “Oh good. And while you’re at it, we’ll make a guess on what tomorrow’s weather will be like.”

  “Rain,” Junior would say.

  “Oh, look. His first word,” she’d say.

  “Like father, like son,” he’d reply.

  Then they’d laugh and continue to have the same discussion they had the night before and the night before that and...

  She grimaced. Maybe the future wouldn’t be exactly like that, but it would be similar to it. She couldn’t go through this, no matter how much she wanted children.

  Once they reached the house, Ernest asked to speak with Julia privately. Julia stayed on the porch, not wishing to prolong this painful experience, and it would be undoubtedly shortened if they remained out in the cold.

  Her aunt said good-night and went into the house.

  Julia gathered the courage to go through with this even as the chill in the air made her shiver. That was good though. The cold was distracting enough so she didn’t have to dwell too hard on how she was about to upset him. “What is it?” she asked out of obligation to get the conversation started. After all, the sooner they did this, the sooner it’d be over.

  Ernest stuffed his hands into the pockets of his coa
t. “Have you ever thought about what could have been?”

  She took a deep breath and braced herself. “No, Ernest. I don’t.” Might as well just say it. “And I’m sorry.” Lord knew life would be simpler if she could just say yes.

  He paused for a moment, and she looked everywhere but at him. She knew he’d be hurt, and she didn’t want to see it.

  “Oh,” he finally replied. “I understand. I knew it was unlikely, but I had to try.”

  She gave him a tentative look. “You aren’t upset?”

  “Disappointed, but no, I’m not upset.”

  Overwhelmed with relief, she said, “You’re a nice man, Ernest. Really you are. I wish I wanted the same thing you do.”

  “You don’t need to explain. Some things aren’t meant to be. I hope that we can still be friends.”

  “Of course, we can.” She smiled, feeling much better about everything. If she’d known it would be this simple, she wouldn’t have prolonged this moment for as long as she had.

  “I’ll see you around,” he told her and tipped his hat in her direction.

  She waited for him to head off before she went into her house, grateful that he’d been as gracious as he’d been.

  ~~********~~

  Chapter 6

  Chogan saw Sarita coming in his direction before she realized he had rounded the corner of his lodge. Forcing back the wave of revulsion that coursed through him, he spun around and nearly ran into Woape who was helping her daughter walk through the snow. The girl fell and landed on her behind, giggling as she picked up a lopsided white ball.

  Woape laughed and picked her up. “Forgive me, Chogan. I didn’t mean to startle you.”

  “No. You didn’t startle me.” He glanced over his shoulder and saw that Sarita had spotted him. As much as it pained him to ask for help, he shot Woape a pleading look. “Stay until she leaves?”

  “Why don’t you go back to Bismarck and talk to Julia?” Woape quietly asked. “Her aunt wrote that she misses you.”

  “And what would that do? I saw her with another man. She is happy with him.”

  “That does not sound like how things are when Gary read the letter to me.”

  They grew silent when Sarita reached them. Chogan wrapped the buffalo robe tighter around himself.

  “Did you hear the chief’s announcement?” Sarita asked, and though she directed the question to both Chogan and Woape, she kept her eyes on Chogan.

  Of course he did. Who hadn’t? He sent out all the clan leaders to visit each lodge. “It will be good to learn the origins of our people.”

  Sarita let out a high pitch laugh that momentarily made him wince. “Yes, my grandfather said he never thought he’d see the day when the stories would be out in the open. He remembers paying for the Lone Man accounts when he was twenty-four.”

  “Times are changing,” Woape replied. “If we don’t pass on the oral traditions of our people, then we’ll lose them.”

  Chogan studied Woape’s daughter. The girl had a white father, but she was obviously happy. His gaze drifted to Woape’s glowing face. She was happy as well, and though Gary didn’t speak his personal feelings, Chogan had caught Gary kissing and hugging Woape when they didn’t know someone was nearby. Chogan couldn’t blame Woape for running off to avoid marrying Citlali. If Chogan was her, he would have done the same.

  Then he glanced at Sarita who was fiddling with the braid dangling over her shoulder. Granted, Sarita wasn’t as annoying as Citlali, but he could not envision a future with her; nor could he envision a future with any of the other women in his tribe or the neighboring ones. But the time for decision was fast approaching. The chief and Citlali made it clear he had to make his choice in one week.

  The happiness Woape and Gary had wasn’t something all married couples experienced. Some stayed together simply out of convenience. Others left and sought another spouse. It was as simple as the man leaving his wife’s family lodge. Of course, that meant he had to also leave the children with her. Perhaps not all men cared to be a father, but Chogan’s plans incorporated teaching his sons to hunt. He didn’t want to give that up so another man could come in and do that for him. Maybe some customs of their people were not the best way to do things. Woape hadn’t thought so, and looking at her, anyone could tell she made the right choice.

  Chogan reluctantly turned his attention back to Sarita who stared at him as if she expected him to do or say something, and he wasn’t sure how to proceed.

  “Will you be going to the ceremonial lodge tonight to listen to the legend of the Lone Man?” Sarita asked with an expectant look.

  There seemed to be only one thing to do in a situation like this, and even though it made him a coward, he opted for it. He needed more than to get away from Sarita, the other available women, and Citlali who refused to leave him alone. He needed to think. He needed quiet. He needed to be alone so he could sort through the implications of what he considered doing.

  He considered returning to Bismarck to ask Julia how serious she was about the white man. The man was obviously interested in her. He couldn’t recall Julia’s expression when the white man came. All Chogan remembered was the way the white man staked his claim. From there, it was a blur as he fought for control over his emotions.

  If Woape was right, if he misunderstood Julia’s feelings, then he needed to see her, but he knew she would not come with him to his tribe. After the headache some people had given him about getting married, he wasn’t excited about bringing Julia here. He had the nagging suspicion that if he did, Sarita and some others would give her a difficult time. No. If he wanted to be with Julia, he’d have to live in her world with the prejudices he was undoubtedly going to come across.

  “Chogan?” Sarita asked again. “Will you be going to the ceremonial lodge?”

  “No,” he finally replied, pretending not to notice the disappointed expression on her face. “I will go on a fast. Maybe the spirits will tell me who to marry.”

  He didn’t expect to seek guidance from anything, but he said it to appease her and anyone she chose to tell. That should stop Citlali from following him around. By the contented look on her face, he knew it was the right thing to say. For the moment, he had peace.

  Sarita smiled, seeming to be pleased. “I am going to return to my lodge to help prepare the evening meal. I love to cook.”

  As she said good-bye and left, he closed his eyes, grateful that was over.

  Woape waited until Sarita was out of hearing range before she spoke. “Gary and I will go see his family tomorrow. Is there anything you want me to tell Julia?”

  He hesitated, unsure of how to best proceed with the question he most wanted to know. “Let me know if she plans to marry the white man.”

  She nodded. “Gary and I will stay there for three days and then return. That is well before your week is up.”

  “I’ll be done fasting when you return.”

  When she walked away, he decided to get his things ready for his fast. It would give him time to be alone to think because if Julia had no plans to marry the white man, then Chogan had to make the commitment to leave his tribe, and that wasn’t an easy thing to do.

  ***

  Julia finished making the bed so her brother and Woape would be comfortable during their visit. Then she turned to make sure the blanket was neatly laid out in the crib her aunt had borrowed from Clarence and Annabel who always thought they’d have more children but never did, so they kept Millicent’s old things in the attic. Julia was sure that when Millicent married, she’d have children and the things would be used once again. For the time being though, it would suit her brother and his family.

  When the guest room was done, Julia went to the parlor and looked out the window. More snow had fallen the night before, but the roads were still in good condition. She’d guess that it hadn’t been more than two inches that had fallen in the past week. The sun was setting early behind a group of clouds that suggested there might be a chance of more snow, but
for the moment, things were calm. Even the wind that usually swept through the town had taken a reprieve.

  Her aunt entered the parlor and set a tray of coffee and cookies down. “Any sign of them yet?”

  “No. Not yet.” Julia turned when she heard her aunt chuckling. “What is it?”

  “I never thought I’d see the day when you were looking forward to seeing Woape come to the house.”

  Julia smiled. “It does seem like a contradiction, doesn’t it?”

  “Yes, but a good one.”

  Julia had to agree. She returned her gaze to the window and nearly jumped when she saw the three familiar figures coming down the sidewalk. “They’re here!”

  Without waiting for her aunt to reply, she rushed to the front door and opened it, ignoring the biting chill in the air. She waited until Gary looked at her before she waved. He nudged Woape who was carrying the sleeping child wrapped snuggly in a blanket. Her brother carried their belongings in a bag that was flung over his shoulder.

  “I better put another piece of wood in the fireplace,” her aunt called out.

  Getting the message, Julia scooted into the entryway and closed the door almost all the way. She waited until their three guests stepped onto the porch before she opened it all the way.

  “Did you have a good trip?” Julia asked quietly so she wouldn’t wake her niece.

  “It was fine,” Gary said. He put their things down so he could hug Julia. “How are you?”

  “Alright. You must be cold. The parlor is nice and warm.” Julia shut the door and offered to take Penelope so Woape could hang up her robe. “You keep the fur on the inside?”

  “It is warmer when the fur is against the skin,” Woape replied.

  That made sense. Julia grinned at the child. “My poor niece has been cursed with my brother’s awkward nose.”