Being Wrong
According to Gottman and Silver, “One of the most meaningful gifts a parent can give a child is to admit his or her own mistake, to say, ‘I was wrong here’ or ‘I’m sorry.’ This is so powerful because it also gives the child permission to make a mistake, to admit having messed up and still be okay. It builds in the forgiveness of self.”8
Too often in families, there is an unstated mythology that the parents are always right. It is as if parents think that by admitting error they somehow lose their authoritative stature. But no one is right all the time. The need for parents to present themselves as perennially right produces a family culture of distortion, denial and rationalization. Dishonesty becomes the family currency.
Admitting error is one of the most powerful ways to dissolve conflict before it turns into a longstanding issue. It is probably the single most effective way to model good conflict resolution skills to your emerging adult. It creates an atmosphere of trust, safety and fairness. It says to the emerging adult that she or he has a legitimate point of view deserving of respect. It also gives you a “way out” of a conflict that has gone wrong.
Rather than continually distorting reality to preserve the illusion of your rightness, you can instead admit your error and start over. Knowing that you always have this exit is a great relief, not a burden. It signals that it’s okay to be human and to screw up, as long as you admit it to everyone, including your emerging adult.
The Magic Ratio
John Gottman also offers this eye-opening discovery about mutually positive adult relationships: The ratio of positive to negative statements is 5:1.9 Is that the ratio you typically observe?
I have found knowledge of the 5:1 ratio to be very empowering. When my inclination is to be critical with my emerging adult children, I sometimes say to myself, Is this the one-in-five opportunity I will afford myself for a critical comment? Have I conveyed a positive message in my last five encounters?
This has worked for me; it allows me to be more reflective in my stance and more deliberate with my feedback. Most of the time, I am able to choose feedback that is confirming and validating rather than critical, just by keeping the ratio in mind. It makes my exchanges with my children a lot less grueling and a bit more fun!
Who Am I Dealing With Today?
Remember, your emerging adult may act like an adult in some ways and a child in other ways. Your emerging adult may change his or her stance from day to day, hour to hour, and you may not know what you are going to encounter when you walk into a room. Conflict may look different on different days, depending on which person shows up (and that goes for you, too).
Keep that in mind when you get into an exchange with your son or daughter. Do not necessarily expect the same “rules” to apply every day. Some days are “regression” days; other days your emerging adult may make unexpected leaps of insight and maturity. Whichever side of your emerging adult you find yourself dealing with, always keep in mind this wisdom from Gottman and Silver: “People can change only if they feel that they are basically liked and accepted as they are. When people feel criticized, disliked, and unappreciated they are unable to change. Instead, they feel under siege and dig in to protect themselves. [Acceptance] is the only approach that works.”10
Conflict Management Style
It is important to know yourself in terms of your conflict management style. It is equally important to know the style of your son or daughter. Many of the things people take personally in conflicts have nothing to do with them but are merely expressions of the other person’s personal style of conflict management, which often differs substantially.
When conflict arises, do you tend to fight harder, pursuing your emerging adult, trying to convince her of your perspective, as Alicia Reardon does? Do you withdraw, responding with righteous indignation? Do you engage in a combination of these tactics, as Maria Collins does? When threatened, do you become more strident or do you become anxious, confused and inarticulate? When you are feeling insecure, are you more likely to engage in blaming behavior?
Your conflict management style may differ from day to day, depending on the context, but it is helpful to identify your general style and the contexts in which your style changes. Do you manage conflict differently at home than at the office? Differently with family as opposed to with friends? What are your “hot buttons”? When and where are you most likely to “go off” without taking time for reflection?
Knowing the way that both you and your emerging adult habitually relate to stress can go a long way to creating a better understanding of why conflicts go wrong and what can be done to correct this. But by being aware of the natural differences in styles, you can anticipate both your reactions and hers. Often you can create a new way of relating, based on mutual respect. Habits or styles can be broken, but first you have to be able to see them clearly.
Tips for Managing Conflict
Here are additional suggestions for working on conflict situations with your emerging adult child:
•Give your son or daughter time and space to vent. Allow him or her to express feelings of anger, hurt and dissatisfaction fully before jumping in to defuse these feelings or defend yourself. Strong emotions are okay, as long as they are expressed respectfully. Don’t interrupt your emerging adult’s venting with your judgments. Don’t try to “fix” negative feelings; just allow them to be expressed and heard.
•Respect his or her privacy. If possible, move the discussion to a private space rather than airing your disputes in front of the whole family or friends and neighbors.
•Use “I” language. Keep your concerns framed in “I” statements, rather than “you” statements; the latter almost always sound accusatory. Say, “I get worried when you’re out late with the car and I don’t know where you are” as opposed to, “Your irresponsibility with the car is out of control!” Stay focused on your needs: “It is important for me to get your rent money by the first, because that is when I make the mortgage payment.”
•Don’t resort to globalizing. Try to avoid expressions such as “you always…”, “you never…” and “every time you…” This kind of language only makes others defensive.
•Avoid “why” questions. This phrasing tends to make others wary, because when people use it, they are not typically seeking information in a genuine way. “Why do you always slam the door?” is not a scientific inquiry. “How” questions tend to be more effective and less inflammatory.
•Listen. Active listening is hard to do, particularly if your emerging adult and you have very different worldviews. Feeling understood is essential to any successful relationship. Listening to your emerging adult will increase the likelihood that meaningful dialogue can occur, dialogue that supports growth and understanding between the two of you.
•Speak calmly. Watch your voice tone and physical energy level. If your emerging adult is getting angry, try to respond as if he or she is talking normally. Don’t speak with a patronizing or theatrical level of calm, but make an effort to remain composed. Knowing that you are able to “field” your emerging adult’s strong emotions without responding in kind provides him or her a sense of safety.
•Maintain eye contact. As a sign of respect and as a way of maintaining a personal connection, keep respectful but non-aggressive eye contact during an argument (unless cultural considerations dictate otherwise).
•Repeat or summarize what your emerging adult says in your own words. Indicate that you have heard and understood him or her and give him or her opportunities to correct your impressions when the occasion calls for it. Try not to be formulaic in your approach. Your emerging adult will sense if you are being robotic or earnestly trying to understand his or her perspective.
•Recognize the things you don’t like in yourself. The traits that most make people react with emotion in others tend to be the traits that they haven’t accepted fully in themselves. Often, emerging adults share some of the same traits as their parents and it is t
hese very traits in them that frustrate their parents. When you can understand why the vulnerable spots in your psyche are being attacked, you can be more compassionate and less reactive.
•Ask yourself, Is this really the issue? Be sure that when you are in a disagreement with your emerging adult you are dealing with the real issue. Small disagreements often camouflage larger issues. Sometimes those larger issues don’t even involve the emerging adult but can flow from past pain, from disagreements with parents, bosses, spouses or others. It’s not fair to drag emerging adults into parents’ personal issues.
•Don’t dredge up the past. Keep the focus of the discussion on the present. Don’t trot out your emerging adult’s history of disappointing you. Don’t bring up chains of related “offenses.” Stay focused on the one behavior you’re discussing at the moment.
•Keep your requests specific, focused and action-oriented. Don’t ask for sweeping personality changes, such as “When are you going to start being more responsible?” Be as specific as possible.
•Express gratitude. Thank your emerging adult for his or her willingness to listen and to work with you.
Cultural Conflict: Ina, Amit and Leela Shah
Now that you have had a chance to think about how you handle conflict and ways you might alter your familiar reactions, let’s take a look at the story of a particularly challenging conflict between parents and an emerging adult that involves cultural conflict, which adds a complex new dimension.
Culture colors everything, even the perception of whether conflict exists in the family. Culture functions like an iceberg, mostly submerged and out of view, but huge in its effects and implications. There are so many considerations involved when discussing culture that to try to confine the concept of cultural conflict to one sentence would do the subject great injustice.
In one sense, every parent-emerging adult conflict is a cultural conflict. The cultures in question might be generational, immigrant versus native-born American; gender, male versus female; class, working versus privileged; education, college degree versus high school diploma. When people are in conflict, they don’t just bring themselves, they bring their respective worlds. Those worlds can clash in ways that go far beyond the personal. In almost every case of people in conflict, there are also worlds in conflict: religions, political affiliations, ethnicities, economic classes, age groups, philosophies, nationalities, teams, professions, genders.
Ina is the twenty-eight-year-old daughter of Amit and Leela Shah, immigrants from India who came to America to make a better life for themselves and their children, who were both adolescents at the time of immigration. Ina is currently working as a high school history teacher. She is outgoing, with an infectious sense of humor that attracts many friends.
In contrast, her parents’ social network in the United States is quite limited. Mr. and Mrs. Shah spend the majority of their time working grueling hours in their family restaurant. Any downtime is spent trying to maintain their household.
Problems emerged between Ina and her parents almost immediately upon arriving in the United States. Ina adapted to her new cultural surroundings quickly and welcomed her newfound freedoms. Her parents have held on to their longstanding beliefs and values, beliefs which openly conflict with those held by Ina. For example, Mr. and Mrs. Shah do not believe in discourse and negotiation when it comes to their children. Ina views her parents as old fashioned, restrictive and rigid. She is frustrated by their futile attempts to hold onto the past:
I have many friends who span the diverse facets of my life. I am very active. I run and engage in fun social activities that allow me not to feel stressed about my financial and personal concerns. I am very good at maintaining long-term relationships.
The more immersed I become in my world, the more different I become from my family. I speak differently and dress differently. When I try to expand my circle of friends, my parents try to tighten the reins. I become rebellious and push boundaries. Why can’t they just go with the flow and be more flexible?
My brother cannot understand my “rebelliousness.” He is also pushing limits, but because he is a male it is more acceptable for him and that is not fair. My parents are afraid of the influences that they feel are making me very different from them; they are afraid of losing me.
Ina did well in her studies. She completed college with a major in history. Mr. and Mrs. Shah do not approve of Ina’s career choice. In their view, she should become an engineer or doctor, choices they associate with status, income and security. Ina enjoys her job as a high school teacher and feels she is contributing to the world in a positive way. Ina thinks it is essential to find meaning in one’s work; she wants to do work that she loves and that benefits others. She thinks that her parents are too materialistic and security oriented. Besides, she does not enjoy the sciences and feels that her talents are more consistent with teaching history.
Amit and Leela have a comfortable, middle-class standard of living, but they work very long hours. In Ina’s eyes it is at the expense of family life. Ina is seeking more balance in her life. Mr. and Mrs. Shah expected that Ina would continue to live with them upon graduating from college and that she would move out only when she got married. In an effort not to shame her parents as well as to find an acceptable way to leave home, Ina married an Indian man, whom she divorced within a year. The marriage was “one big mistake.” Ina found him too conventional, too “macho” and restrictive. For example, he objected strongly to her going out for drinks with her friends after work.
Currently, the major source of conflict between Ina and her parents revolves around Ina’s current boyfriend, Brad, a twenty-nine-year-old artist who is currently unemployed. Mr. and Mrs. Shah feel that Ina’s live-in arrangement with Brad is very hurtful. They condemn her choice and believe she has lost her moral bearings. Ina feels that her parents’ religious teachings are outmoded and not relevant to her life. She also feels hurt, angry and misunderstood. A part of her, although unexpressed, worries that she may have indeed lost her moral compass.
Ina’s outraged voice states, “How dare they question my judgment about Brad? I tried it their way the first time around and it didn’t work.” In Ina’s view, her parents’ advice reflects their “old world” view, with old ideas that do not match the times. Ina continues to feel resentful that her brother, who has also been pushing traditional cultural limits, has been treated differently because of his gender and has been given a lot more freedom.
While Ina deeply values her relationship with her parents, there has been longstanding conflict. They argue bitterly. Ina traverses both cultures, that of her parents and the one she has learned living in the United States. This continues to be problematic for her.
Ina’s mother and father are disappointed with Ina’s choices. They view her as selfish for leading her life on her own terms, which they see as a negative thing. To them, she is dishonoring the family by living with her unemployed artist boyfriend. Mr. and Mrs. Shah feel that she should marry a “professional,” someone who could support her financially. Ina accepts the fact that Brad may be unemployed for periods of time and that she will be the only source of support. She feels a love connection with him and she sees that as the primary reason for a relationship.
Questions to Consider
Think about Ina and her parents for a moment and ponder these questions:
•What worlds are in conflict here?
•What are the behaviors in which both sides might be stuck?
•Where are the major blind spots on both sides?
•Who seems to have the broader perspective and why?
•How does the need to be right factor into the prolonged conflict?
•Has there been a genuine attempt to understand, honor and adjust to one another’s worlds?
•Where does inflexibility exist among the players and what might be done to change it?
•How are unquestioned assumptions fueling the tensions?
•Is it possibl
e for love and acceptance to exist when the parents’ moral system is at odds with the emerging adult’s? What might happen if moral judgments were set aside?
•Is it the role of parents to judge the morals of their adult children and vice versa?
•How can traditional values be honored in the face of a changing and sometimes “amoral” world?
•Does culture have a valuable place in one’s family heritage? How can such traditions be preserved without choking the future?
•How might a new conversation begin in this family?
Now consider the same set of questions with regard to your own family. Consider the wider perspective of your conflict with your emerging adult. What worlds are in conflict for you? What are your blind spots; your assumptions? Are moral judgments causing problems? If so, what can be done about it? Has the need to be right caused a breakdown in communication? Are there new ways to try to understand and honor one another? How can a different conversation begin for you?
What’s the Most Important Thing?
Ultimately, all conflicts lead to the same question: Which is more important: being right or finding a way to work together? Winning or making progress? This is not an easy question, especially when deeply-held religious, moral, political and cultural beliefs come into play. But knowing that this is the real question can help you “cut to the chase” and break blockages more easily. Do you truthfully want to move forward or is being right in your position the most important thing? In most cases (but certainly not all), thoughtful parents will conclude that their relationship with their emerging adult children is more important than being right. Only then can the task of healing and communicating begin in earnest.
Parenting Your Emerging Adult Page 17