She turned on each side, back and forth, trying to quiet her mind and drift into slumber. She only succeeded in making Sadira murmur something in her native tongue, then place a hand upon Kali's arm in what Kali imagined was a plea for her to be still.
So she tugged her cloak around her shoulders, rose smoothly, and slipped outside the tent. The sentinels had circled the still-burning fire, blankets spread upon the ground beneath them as they slept. There were four; she did not see Stonewall. Maybe he was patrolling the surrounding area. Well, good. Hopefully he would not return here for some time.
“Mage Halcyon?” It was Beacon, who lay closest to the tent. “Are you well?”
Having no wish to wake anyone else, Kali kept her reply to a whisper that matched his. “I’m fine. Just… couldn't sleep.”
The copper-haired sentinel sat up and rummaged in a rucksack lying at his hip, then withdrew a few strips of meat and hard wedge of cheese that he wrapped in a cloth. “The sergeant's on watch. Since you're up, would you take this to him? He didn't eat much at supper.”
“I'd rather not.”
Something flickered across his face – she could not say what it was. Did he know about her and Stonewall? Given her earlier outburst, he probably guessed. Very likely, they all had guessed by now. What would that mean for Stonewall? What would it mean for her?
Stars and moons, this situation is ridiculous, she thought, gritting her teeth. I wish I didn’t care about any of this any longer. I wish I could just put this mess behind me.
“Please,” Beacon said quietly. “I think it'll do him good to eat a little, and the walk might help clear your head and make sleep easier to find.”
Kali grimaced, but accepted the cloth bundle. Not because she wanted to find Stonewall, but because it would make the mender stop pestering her. Still, she could not help but ask, “Why do you care?”
“It's my job to care.”
She shook her head, still trying to think of an excuse not to seek out Stonewall that she would actually accept. “I don't know where to find him.”
“Just start walking. He'll probably find you.”
She raised a brow. “Aren't you afraid I'll escape?”
Beacon gave her a wry smile. “I think if you'd wanted to escape, you've had more than enough chances today. Thank you,” he added, and turned his back to her as he settled down, effectively ending the conversation.
Kali had a notion to toss the food away, but she tucked the bundle within a pocket at the front of her thick tunic. She stood for a moment, considering, then made her way into the night. Once she'd left the glow of the fire, the cold slapped her hard enough to make her knee twinge and her chest ache.
Cold, alone, surrounded by darkness in an unfamiliar place...this was foolish, indeed. If Beacon hoped to reconcile her and Stonewall in some way, it was an unexpected sentiment. But useless, she thought as she exhaled, her breath fogging the air. An even colder wind blew, bringing with it the scent of snow.
She should have just ignored the mender's request. It was foolish for her to have even tacitly agreed. Shaking her head, she turned back for the campfire and made her way to the horses and carriage, tethered together at the edge of the fire's glow. She had to smile at the sight of Frost, whom she'd noticed Stonewall riding before.
“Hello there,” she murmured to the mare, who lifted her head at Kali's approach, nostrils flaring. Despite the cold, the dapple-gray mare was warm and very solid, and Kali dawdled to rest her cheek upon Frost's thick winter coat.
Frost tolerated this for a moment before nosing the front of Kali's tunic, trying to find the food. Kali chuckled and gently pushed the horse away. “I'm afraid I've got nothing for you, my friend,” she said, scratching beneath Frost's harness. “Unless you like cheese.”
The dapple-gray mare sighed deeply, eyes closing in what Kali hoped was pleasure. While she was not knowledgeable about horses, she thought Frost looked well fed and clean. Her leather harness had recently been polished and her mane had no tangles.
Kali did not know what prompted her to ask, “Is he treating you well?”
Of course, Frost did not understand the question, but something about the way the mare nudged her long nose further into Kali's palm made Kali’s eyes sting. Stupid. She swiped at her face with cold hands. How many tears would she cry over him? Her thoughts spun in useless circles; she wanted nothing more than to swing into the mare’s saddle again, to be away from this camp, from this province...from this very country. Anywhere but here, she thought, closing her eyes.
“What are you doing up?”
She tensed at the sound of Stonewall’s voice behind her, but did not allow herself to turn. “Couldn't sleep.”
“Because of your knee? Or is your neck bothering you?”
“Neither.”
The crunch of boots on dried leaves. The slow, deliberate intake of breath. Then his voice, quiet. “It's too cold for anyone out here. You should go back to the tent.”
A sudden, sharp anger struck her, and she turned to glare at him. “I meant what I said before. You've forfeited all right to care anything about me...”
She trailed off at the stricken expression on his face, exactly as he'd looked the night he'd broken what had been between them. The moment their eyes met, he dropped his gaze and did not look back at her when he spoke again. “I know. But I find I can't stop myself from caring. Stupid,” he added in a mutter, probably not meant for her ears.
Her foolish heart leaped at the earnestness in his words. “We both are,” she admitted with a sigh. Some of her anger fled as she studied him, considering. “You said you were tired of me. That was a lie, wasn't it?”
He hesitated, hands clutching at empty air, body moving in rhythmic, deep breaths before he swore once, quietly. “It was.”
“Then...” She struggled to pick out one question among the many that welled within. “Why?” was all she could manage.
To her surprise, he embraced her tightly, pulling her to him with enough force to push the air from her lungs. Although part of Kali—the wiser part—urged her to push herself away, she pressed closer, savoring his solid form. Beneath the cold air and faint metallic tang of hematite, his scent was pure Stonewall; familiar and comforting like nothing she’d ever known. Had it always been so, or was she only just now noticing? One last time, she told herself, resting her cheek against his.
Perhaps he'd been thinking the same thing, for he released her after a moment too long. “Talon knows about us,” he murmured as he straightened. “She told me so the night before.”
Kali nodded. “Foley said as much, but you should have told me.”
“Whatever it is we're doing, I finally understood how it would cause trouble for you. I couldn't allow that to happen. If we'd continued, I'd only have been sent away. Stripped of rank, perhaps sent to the mines of Stonehaven. But none of that matters, because…do you know what would have happened to you?”
“They already keep us under cuff and key. What else is there?”
His voice was a hoarse whisper. “Talon said if we continued, she'd execute you.”
Kali's breath caught. “That seems extreme, even for her.”
“Talon has the ultimate authority to do whatever she wants to you, so long as it falls within our mandate.”
“So… I’m guessing you didn’t ask permission to bring me along today?”
“You and Eris were the first mages I came across, after Sadira. And Cobalt said our priority was helping the injured at Parsa.” Kali stared up at him and he grimaced. “I suppose my heart made the rest of the decision for me.”
Kali should have been angry – furious, even. If Talon was as dreadful as he claimed, her life was truly in danger. But as she studied the earnestness in his expression and felt the heat of his breath on her face, her own foolish heart lifted. “What will happen when we return?” she asked.
Stonewall shook his head. “I’m afraid to wonder. Al
l I know is that there is an edge to Talon sharper than any sword.”
“Don't be so dramatic.”
He expelled a puff of fog. “That night, when I tried to end things between us, I was only doing so because I thought it would keep you safe.”
“Is that why you made up all of that nonsense about not wanting to be with me?”
His hand crept to his helmet as if about to shove it on, but he did not. “Aye. I thought if you didn't want to see me any longer, this,” he indicated the space between them, “would be easier. I care about you too much to risk your suffering.”
Something within her crumpled like a piece of parchment. The entire world, from her heartbeat to the wind in the trees, seemed to have frozen, save one dark, distant corner of her mind that whispered, Told you so.
“Noble idiot,” she heard herself say, not with any malice, although her own voice sounded small and far away.
She caught a hint of a smile on his face, though it vanished immediately as he said, “I am, that.”
Frost snorted suddenly, making both Kali and Stonewall jump. Glad for the distraction, Kali turned her attention back to smoothing her palms over the mare's dapple-gray neck. A gentle brush of her awareness against Frost's particles assured her that the horse was healthy and strong as ever, though her concentration wandered almost at once.
“When did you get the brace?” Stonewall asked suddenly. She'd not forgotten he was there, though she'd wanted to.
“This morning.” Had it only been so short a time? Atal had set, but the mage moon hung high; a gleaming silver eye peering between the trees. Hopefully Eris and the others were far away from Whitewater City by now. “Gideon made it for me,” she added.
“Does it help with the pain?”
“A bit. Sadira's helped, too.”
“Good.” He considered something, then took a deep breath. “When you...killed that woman, was it... Did it feel the same for you after, as it did with Neff?”
Cold filled her, but without the relief of making her numb to heartache. “Yes, but… more, somehow.”
“More?”
She flexed her knee beneath her leggings. “It doesn’t hurt like it did. I feel almost like I could dance all night. And I wish…” She trailed off and hugged her arms to her sides. “I wish I hadn’t killed her, but then I'd be dead. And I don’t know what to think about that.”
“You acted in self-defense,” he said, nodding. “No one would blame you for that.”
He was right, but somehow, the knowledge didn’t sit well upon her.
“Did you learn anything…useful?” he added.
She thought of her nightmares and shuddered. Ah, sweet blood. Come to us. Come to us now. “Perhaps too useful.”
“What do you mean?”
Whatever else was between them, he was probably the only person in the world who would believe her, so she met his gaze again. “The thralls are definitely connected to the Fata.” His eyebrows shot to his hairline, but before he could object, she continued. “Along with everything else we talked about—the thralls being burned by metal and appearing seemingly out of nowhere—Stonewall, I could tell that something was…inside that woman I killed. Something…strange. Something other.”
“And their eyes,” he murmured, gaze distant as he considered her words. “Burning like stars. Like the glimmer story we read.”
Kali gave a humorless laugh. “Why d’you suppose they’re called glimmers to begin with?”
“I never wondered,” he admitted. “I wish I didn’t know, now. I wish they were just stories.”
“Me too.” Another wind blew. Kali inhaled deeply; yes, it would snow, and soon. Hopefully not before they returned to the city.
Stonewall studied her. “Do you think we could… cure the thralls, somehow?”
“I don’t know. I hope so.” She swallowed and met his almost-gold eyes. “I’d like to try.”
“If there’s a way, you’ll figure it out.”
He sounded so certain; his gaze upon her was so steady. Hope kindled in her chest. Perhaps there was a chance to salvage what might have been. But fear still hammered against her ribs and pressed tight around her throat.
“You're not the only one who has a say in our...situation,” she said slowly, deliberately. “Don’t you care what I think?”
“Of course I do,” he said, his brow furrowing. “But–”
“If there was no Commander Talon, if there was no bastion or garrison or magic or hematite or any of it, would you want to be with me?”
It was his turn to stare at her without speaking.
Her heart raced, so she took a breath to gather her calm. “Yes or no, Stonewall.”
“Yes,” he said at last. “Yes, Kali. I would. I do.” His shoulders slumped. “But reality isn’t that simple. I have no choice but to remain where I am.”
Whether because of the solstice, or because of the hours she and Stonewall had spent reading the Heartfire legend, or merely on some wild whim, Kali took his gloved hand in her own. She knew the story’s words by heart and repeated them with all the earnestness she could manage. “‘You are mine, and I am yours. We leave together, or not at all.’”
He stared at her, longing naked on his face. “Why are you telling me this?”
“Because we always have a choice.” She squeezed his hand. “Stonewall, let’s go.”
He started. “Go?”
She gestured to the forest, the sky, the whole world. “Right now. You and me – and Frost. We can put everything else behind us. We can make a new life somewhere else, together. What do you say?”
As she spoke, he looked at their joined hands and his face betrayed a host of emotions, uncertainty chief among them. His gaze darted to the sleeping sentinels.
Kali fought back a sudden, unfamiliar swell of fury. “Elan, answer me.”
“No,” he said at last. Her heart froze in her chest, as if halted by her own magic. “I can't walk away from my duties here,” he added. “Besides, you don’t–”
“Forget your duties,” she interrupted. “This is your life. What do you want?”
“What I want doesn't matter.”
Her heart lurched. Foolish woman. Do you see? Eris was right.
Strangely, her anger evaporated, leaving her cold and hollow. Nodding, she pulled her hand from his and smoothed the backs of her fingers along Frost's nose before digging the meat and cheese from her pocket.
“Beacon asked me to give you these,” she said as she handed the bundle to him.
Stonewall accepted, but his next words were rough. “What we shared… it couldn’t last, Kali,” he said as his voice trembled. “We both knew that.”
“No.” She turned and began to walk toward the shadowed forest, her only thought to get away. “We could have found a way. But you made the decision on your own because I'm not...real to you. Not in the way you are to me. I'm just another piece of your duty. I'm no more a person to you than Frost, or your daggers. I'm such a fool for thinking you would act any other way. You're a sentinel. Duty will always come first. We can’t help who we are and there will always be a distance between us.”
His steps were quick, his voice closing in. “Kali–”
“Tell me I'm wrong,” she broke in, looking back at him despite the warning in her heart. They had paused about twenty paces away from the campsite.
“You’re wrong,” he said sharply. He glanced again at the others, then back at her, his voice dropping to a whisper again. “I should have brought someone else to Parsa today, Kali, and believe me, I sodding wanted to. But I came to you. If I had my way, you’d never know another moment of pain or fear or despair. But–”
“So you admit, you just wanted to keep a promise.” Hot tears stung her eyes; she swiped at them angrily. “Stonewall, you said you don't want me to suffer, but here we are.”
“Yes, I thought I could put you out of my mind. I thought I could walk alone forever.
But I was wrong.” He brought his free hand up to the edge of the bandage at her throat. “You’re right about the promise I made. But you’re wrong about the rest – about you not being real to me. Kali, even though Talon will be livid that I came to you for this mission, and even if I had known what would happen to you at Parsa, I would have still brought you. Please believe that.”
A few flecks of snow fell between them as she stared up at him. “Belief isn’t enough for me. I need more.”
“I know.” Stonewall withdrew a piece of parchment from his belt-pouch and offered it to her.
Her jaw tightened as if she’d eaten something sour. “Not this again.”
“Kali, please read it, at least.”
She stared at him. What could possibly be in the stupid letter that he couldn’t just sodding tell her? But then she remembered the way he’d struggled with their lessons, and how proud he’d been when he’d written her name. So she sighed and held out her hand. “Very well.”
The parchment was worn and wrinkled, and still warm from being so close to him. Kali fingered the edges before unfolding the letter. The charcoal was smudged and almost faded away completely in some places, and his hand was messy, little more than a child’s scrawl.
Kali, I’m sorry. Please forgive me. I love you.
Slowly, she looked up at him. Tears trickled down her cheeks and her heart, her foolish, stupid, traitor heart, jumped into her throat. More snowflakes fluttered down, resting on her sleeves and on his dark hair. Seren's silver light bathed his armor and he truly seemed made of his namesake.
“I love you, too,” she whispered. “But it doesn’t change anything.”
Catalyst Moon: Breach (Catalyst Moon Saga Book 2) Page 38