“This I've got to hear.”
“Yip! Yip!” The Book of Midnight showed no sign of being less active, jumping over my feet and back several times.
Cupping my hands over my mouth, I shouted at the top of my lungs. “Hey Death! A little help here!?”
“That's it? That's your big plan?”
“I didn't say it was a good plan!” I snapped at my cloak. “Listen, if all went well, then Mandy is alive. That's all I care about. I don't care if I'm trapped in the Nothing Beyond for all eternity. As long as she's alright, screw the rest of the world.”
“Even if the rest of the world is going to be destroyed by Zul-Barbas and everyone's soul eaten,” Cloak said. “In about, say, forty minutes?”
“Okay, there are a few flaws in my plan.” I raised my hands in frustration. “Napoleon didn't conquer Russia in a day!”
“You're being deliberately sardonic now,” Cloak said. “It's not helping.”
“I'm sorry,” I said. “I really fucked up here.”
“No,” I heard my wife’s voice behind me speak, which was all the more unsettling because I instinctively knew it was Death’s. “You didn’t.”
“Gah!” I said, jumping again. “God dammit! What is with you gods and sneaking up on a person?”
Death had changed out of her earlier attire and adopted the gloriously elaborate period dress of a 17th century noblewoman, complete with elaborate hairdo. Her dress was made of black fabric and positively stunning and so was she. Especially noteworthy was the cleavage exposing front; Mandy was an amply endowed woman to begin with, so Death wearing a corset in her body was eye-catching to say the least.
“Eyes up here, buster,” Death said in a perfect imitation of Mandy's voice.
“Sorry!” I said, my eyes shooting up to hers. “My bad, your Grim Reaperness.”
“You're my chosen, Gary. That makes you the Grim Reaper. I'm more the cosmological embodiment of finality.”
“Pardon?”
“Never mind,” Death said, popping out an ornate fan that she waved into her face. “So you were going to sell your soul to raise your wife from the dead, huh?”
Yeah, that was not the conversation topic I wanted to bring up right now. The whole Armageddon thing was topping out my agenda. Unfortunately, I couldn't think straight looking at her. Death was gorgeous in her outfit, doubly so because she was 'dressed' (for lack of a better term) as my wife. She was a visible reminder I was probably never going to see Mandy again.
“Not really,” I said, trying to look away from her. “I decided to double-cross Zul-Barbas pretty early in our discussion. Being a supervillain is all about with great power coming no responsibility.”
“Don't lie to me, Gary,” Death said, closing up her fan and poking me with it. “I know you were willing to give yourself up to my enemy. The only thing that stopped you was being warned Mandy would be in danger otherwise.”
“Please keep that to yourself. If people knew I was willing to sacrifice myself for anybody, it'd be open season on Merciless and his crew. My badass evil reputation depends on me being a complete asshole.”
“What badass reputation?” Cloak said. “You've killed a small number of criminals and robbed two banks with a month off.”
I ignored Cloak, because bantering with him was the last thing the world needed right now. We both knew we had more important things to do but it was like a comedy act. I would say something funny and he'd retort and I'd do the same back and so on. It was automatic with us. In another life, I bet the two of us might have been bigger than Laurel and Hardy.
“Is Mandy going to be alright?” I asked, finally looking at Death. Her eyes were gorgeous, just like my wife's. Unlike Zul-Barbas and me, Death and Mandy had a lot of similarities in personality. For example, they loved messing with my head. “I don't care if the world burns. I just need to know if she'll be alright if I don't get back to the planet Earth or one of them.”
“No,” Death said. “She's won't be.”
“Shit,” I said, sighing. “That's no good.”
“Thirty-eight minutes.”
“Shut up, Cloak.”
“Hurry it up. We need to get her to help us return. No matter the cost, we have to prevent Zul-Barbas's rise.”
“She can hear you, you know.”
“Oh, right.”
“Don't worry, Gary,” Death said. “I didn't go to the trouble of subtly arranging your ancestors to get together from the Black Death onwards and manipulating events for you two to get parted by some punk dragon and a low-rent zombie apocalypse.”
“Wait, what?”
“Nothing. I can't directly interfere in the mortal world. It's an agreement I made with my brothers and sisters.”
What was with gods today? In the old myths Zeus and company would have struck down the Brotherhood of Infamy for impertinence by now. That's what the modern era lacked, punishments for hubris. I made a mental note to kill the gods and take their stuff someday. Eli and Death would get a pass but that was it.
“You have brothers and sisters?” I asked, surprised. “Ones who are equally unable to help?”
“My siblings Creation, Law, Chaos, Entropy, Fate, Life, and Choice. Just imagine God and chop him up into like eight people and you have us,” Death explained. “There, I've just told you the secret of the universe.”
“God has multiple personality disorder? Geez, I could have told you that.” I snorted, sitting my elbow on my scythe's upper handle. “So, can you help me or not? By helping me, I also mean right this very second. Because, honestly, we're screwed if you don't.”
“I can because we're not in the mortal world,” Death popped out her fan again and gestured to her surroundings. “It's going to cost you, however.”
“This deal is getting worse all the time,” I muttered.
“I am altering the deal. Pray I don't alter it any further,” Death said, pressing her nose against mine. “You're not the only one who can make Star Wars quotes around here.”
“If I wasn't a married man, I'd be all over you right now,” I said, unashamedly in awe of my wife's doppelganger. “We've only got like thirty-five minutes left, though, so I'd appreciate it if you could rush it along.”
“Thirty-four, actually.”
“I know,” Death said, with some disappointment. “I need something from you. Something that may result in a change within you and bring the carefully constructed house of cards you've built your psyche around tumbling down.”
“Seriously, you gods need to work on your salesmanship. Can't you make something sound nice? Even the crazy fundamentalists have fluffy cloud heaven to look forward to.”
“I need you to answer a question,” Death said.
“Time or maybe, a man.” I was getting annoyed with Death's obliqueness. “There, are we done?”
“It's not a riddle, Gary.” Death looked at me, irritated.
Good, because my counter-riddle was going to be 'What's in my pocket?' I didn't need Death telling me about all the naughty pictures of Mandy I kept in my wallet, especially since they were technically naughty pictures of her now.
“I need you to tell me... why?”
“Why... what?”
“Why do all this?” She gestured at me, up and down.
“You want to know why I'm a supervillain?” I'd already answered that question once this week, month, whatever.
“I was referring to the ridiculousness of your every action. You've mocked and heckled your way through things which would break the sanity of your average mortal. You care about people, Gary. You have suppressed it but it's there. A person who genuinely doesn't feel for others can't love.”
“Spare me the fantasy novel heartwarming speech,” I said, annoyed Death was getting philosophical on me. Oddly, she sounded me like Mandy now than ever. “I care about one major person in my life and a handful of others to a much lesser degree. People who are going to die unless you take me back.”
“We'll get there whe
n you answer my question,” Death said, undaunted. “Why?”
I was uncomfortable with this line of questioning. I also wasn't sure I could give an adequate answer. Being stumped on a point of philosophy seemed a pretty poor reason to end the universe.
“Why do you care?” I asked, finally asking.
“I get to see every mortal's final days. I've seen greedy men turn generous, good men turn evil, men abandon their faith, and atheists turn to religion. I've seen lifelong enemies embrace and families split up. I always get to know the true nature of a person by witnessing how they react to their final days but I don't know much about living. So, I often ask this question of them. Why do you live the way you do?”
“Thirty-two minutes, Gary.”
I could have brushed Death off with a flippant response. After all, I'd been an asshole to her with relatively few consequences so far. Why buck the trend now? Unfortunately, I had an answer to that. Despite how much I resented having a master, Death had been relatively straightforward with me. She deserved an answer. Even if, you know, she could have asked her question at any other time in my life.
Thinking about answer, I wasn't sure what was the case. There were a lot of things which had motivated me over the years. Anger, greed, envy, love, and vengeance were some of my personal favorites. I was a fan of all seven deadly sins, with Pride being my favorite. Yet, what was the central guiding concept behind it all? What, at the end of the day, made Gary Karkofsky run? It then occurred to me, I knew the answer.
It was the only honest answer any mortal could give, I think.
“I have not the slightest idea,” I admitted. “It's pretty much a day-to-day thing. I have no idea what the hell I'm doing nine times out of ten. I'm playing it by ear. I think we all are.”
“Perfect.” Death put her hands on her hips, her fan facing outwards. “Just the answer I was looking for.”
“Seriously?” I said, appalled. “We're letting the world end because you wanted me to admit I have no idea what the hell I'm doing?”
“Your willingness to admit it is what makes me trust you,” Death said, smiling. “Use you scythe, Gary. Use it to cut a hole to your wife and later to where you need to be. It will help you save the world and bring an end to the Brotherhood's ambitions.”
“Arf?” the Book of Midnight jumped up in Death's arms.
“Aw, who’s a good book!” Death said, making kissing noises as it yelped happily in her arms. “I'll take care of this if you don't mind.”
“Make sure she gets all of her shots,” I said. “Thanks, Death.”
“Don't mention it.”
Hoisting up my scythe, I swung it around and slashed in mid-air. The weapon tore a hole in the very fabric of reality, creating something where there was nothing. I could see the startled faces of my companions and bits and pieces of the ballroom they were located in. Having no reason to hesitate, I stepped through the hole and left the Nothing Beyond behind.
Hopefully forever.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Where My Wife Goes Through Some Interesting Changes
The moment I stepped through the rift, I tossed my scythe aside and ran to Mandy's fallen form.
I had faith I'd managed to outsmart Zul-Barbas, confidence even. I couldn't shake the feeling that something terrible was about to happen. She was still lying on the ground, blood covering her outfit and her arms crossed over her chest.
Surrounding her like guards were Cindy and Amanda. Both had stayed at Mandy's side the entire time. Diabloman and Angel Eyes, on the other hand, were off to the side as if they'd been arguing. I couldn't have cared less. Right now, all my attention was on my wife.
“Come on,” I said, clutching her wrist with both hands. “Please have worked.”
I could tell her ribs were no longer crushed and something had happened to her, restoring her physical form. Her chest was still, however, showing no sign of breath. It was as if she had become a perfectly preserved corpse as opposed to the brutalized one she'd been before.
A far cry from resurrection.
“Mister Karkofsky... “Amanda tried to speak to me.
“Shh!” Cindy snapped at her, over my shoulder. “This is where he wakes her up with a kiss!”
I was actually thinking about trying CPR. Still, magic existed. Maybe a kiss was all that was required. “Eh, what the hell.”
I leaned in to kiss my wife on the lips, imagining romantic music in the background. If this had been a movie, it'd be the big emotional climax.
It was, in a way.
Pressing my lips against hers, I felt the ice cold red ovals quiver and pulled back. I felt a stirring from my wife in return.
“Please God, work.”
Mandy's eyes popped open, her canines elongated into fangs, and she leapt onto me.
“Gah!” I shouted, utterly unprepared for this.
I could feel claws growing from her fingers as they bit into my shoulders, holding me as she savagely attacked my neck. I could feel tears in the fabric of my skin, opening up to an artery as she started drinking the blood pumping from it.
“Holy shit!” Amanda shouted. “She's a vamp!”
“We knew that,” Cindy said, momentarily usurping my role as our resident source of snark. Thankfully, she realized she'd made a horribly inappropriate comment and ran to assist me.
Amanda soon joined in, pulling on Cindy as she pulled on me. Soon, it was Diabloman pulling on Amanda, pulling on Cindy trying to get Mandy off me. It should tell you about how strong a vampire is by the fact all three weren’t enough to pull her off. By the way, as someone with firsthand experience, the whole 'Kiss of the Vampire' thing is crap. Getting bitten on the neck by a vampire fucking hurts.
It didn't help that Mandy was chewing while she tried to suck my blood. If not for the fact that I was kinda, sorta, almost invulnerable she probably would have torn my throat out then and there.
“Ugh argh ack!” I shouted, trying to push Mandy off me while Cindy and Amanda pulled.
“What?” Amanda shouted.
“Get some fucking garlic!” I screamed, pushing against Mandy's face. “Mandy, it's me! You don't... want to kill me. Especially not by drinking my blood! You have no idea...what I've been eating. I had Italian a month ago!”
“Gah!” Mandy screamed, releasing me and falling backwards into a pile with the others. Blood poured out of her mouth as she coughed, her face twisted in revulsion.
“True love wins the day, I see,” Cloak. “Either that or your blood tastes horrible.”
“Not now.” I applied pressure to my neck so I didn't bleed out. Blood still ran through my fingertips and I wondered if I had to go to the hospital.
Mandy stared at her clawed hands, feeling her lips. “Goddess, Gary, what the hell did you do to me?”
“What I did to you?” I shouted, glad she was alive but pissed as hell she'd tried to eat me.
“Vampire, Gary,” Cindy chided me. “That triumphs being eaten.”
Angel Eyes walked over and placed his palm on my neck, a sizzling sensation accompanied by some of the worst pain in my life. “There, I've healed the wound. I admit I did it with a bit more cauterization than was strictly necessary. You should be fine.”
Falling to my knees, the agony causing tears to well up in my eyes, I coughed out. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.” Angel Eyes stretched out his arms to Mandy as if to embrace her. “It's so good to see you again amongst the living, so to speak.”
Mandy ignored him, instead staring at her hands and padding herself down as if she was checking out a new dress. Angel Eyes looked positively stricken when he realized she wasn't going to respond to him.
Cindy looked to him. “I wouldn't mind it too much, Angel Baby. Mandy and Gary are like gum on a shoe. Stuck together for life. Well, you know, unless Gabrielle or the Black Witch shows up. Really, they should just do the whole Biblical thing and marry each other. You know, only with more gay.”
Angel Eyes
rolled his eyes.
“Gary, we have less than thirty minutes until the end of the world,” Cloak said, his voice becoming understandably urgent. “We don't have time to investigate your wife's condition.”
“My wife's condition? You mean where she's now on an O-positive diet? When Zul-Barbas says there's going to be consequences, I was assuming he meant there might be loss of hearing. I wasn't expecting her to come back wanting to eat me.”
There was a dirty joke to be made there but, honestly, now didn't seem the time to make it.
“And he seemed like a trustworthy eldritch abomination too.” Cloak sighed. “Just hurry it up.”
I wasn't sure how one hurried up telling your wife she was now a creature of darkness. “Mandy, you were killed by the dragon. I made a deal with the super-evil bad thing about to destroy the world but I weaseled out of the deal. Hopefully, that's not responsible for your condition. The problem is, well aside from you being a vampire is that the city is going to be destroyed in less than half an hour unless we manage to stop it. Like, pronto.”
Mandy looked at me for several seconds, her stare colder than Zul-Barbas. The changes to her body were immediate and obvious. Her skin had gone from already naturally pale to milky white with her eyes taking on a peculiar cat-like shade.
Additionally, Mandy now possessed of an unnatural grace which exceeded that of her college acrobat years. There was also something missing, something which I couldn't put my finger on, but I felt she would regret losing.
“Alright,” Mandy said, picking up her guns. “Let's go save the city.”
Amanda seemed more than a little upset. “We can't do that. I mean, you're a vampire now!”
“So?” Mandy asked, looking at her. “What of it?”
Amanda looked about ready to object.
I shook my head. “Amanda, you're awesome but shut the hell up. Priorities.”
“Such an obvious place,” Angel Eyes said, sniffing the air as if smelling something foul.
“They're called the Brotherhood of Infamy, Adonis,” I pointed out, thinking how it was centrally located and also the first major construction financed by Arthur Warren about the time his brother started the cult. “I don't think they're shying away from being obvious. Besides, if it's not the clock tower, we're shit out of luck because it's our only lead.”
The Games of Supervillainy (The Supervillainy Saga Book 2) Page 22