The note that was under my windshield is sitting in my center console. Its presence is almost mocking me. Who the hell would have sent that? I don’t think I’ve smiled a real smile since we have moved here, not since I was with him. It’s hard to smile when everything you knew was ripped from you and replaced with an emptiness you can’t fill.
I pull into a spot at the mall, and get out of the car. Lo is practically skipping, and when she looks back at me I force a smile.
“Don’t fake smile at me. I am going to get a real one of those out of you today!”
Lo grabs my hand and pulls me into a jogging pace. As we walk through the mall I people watch more then I window-shop. Mothers holding their children’s hands, couples walking hand in hand, and friends laughing. I can’t imagine being one of those people anytime soon. I’m jealous of their happiness, their carefree spirit. It’s hard to live when your heart has been given to someone, shattered, and then torn out.
Eventually, I know I would have tried to get in touch with Damon. No matter the distance I put in between us, he never left my heart. I would have read the letter, and I would have reached out. I still can’t believe I tore it up. If there was ever a time I’ve wished for a time machine, this is it. I would give anything to go back and redo that moment. It kills me to not know what he wrote to me; to not know what he felt was so important. I wonder all the time if there was something in there that would give me peace, but I can’t hold onto those thoughts forever because I know eventually they will drive me crazy.
“Ahhhhhhh!” I hear Lo scream and turn my head quickly. When I look to the side she is laying in the fountain in the middle of the mall. Oh. My. God. She is just sitting there stunned and dripping wet. I can’t control myself and start laughing hysterically. I bend over and place my hands on my knees to keep from falling over as I try to get air into my lungs. By the time she reaches me, I’m almost on the floor gripping my stomach from the laughing cramps.
“I told you I would get a smile out of you today. I wish it didn’t happen like this,” she says looking down at her drenched clothes, “but I got one.”
I stand up. “What…happened…to…you.” I say in between hysterics, wiping the tears from my cheeks.
“Apparently walking and texting is just as bad as driving and texting. I wasn’t paying attention and tripped right into that shit. I mean, what the hell, they need flashing signs or some shit like that.” She glances back at the fountain and gives it a dirty look, like it’s the fountain’s fault for being a large stationary object that doesn’t move out of oblivious people’s way.
“Maybe you should notice the big ass fountain in the middle of the mall.”
She narrows her eyes at me. “Maybe you should kiss my fat ass.”
I shake my head at her and start walking back toward the car.
“Where are you going?”
“To the car. You’re soaking wet.”
“Hell no. I finally have you acting like you don’t belong on Dr. Phil. I’m gonna go buy a change of clothes.” She grabs my arm and pulls me in the other direction.
I shake my head and follow her into the closest store. Everyone there looks at her like she is insane but Lo doesn’t care. She has always had this attitude that if people don’t like something they don’t need to look. I wish I could be more like her in that aspect. I wish that I could let things slide off of me and not eat at me. It was the only way I could live with myself while working as an escort. Then I met Damon, and my walls slowly came down. Now, I can’t let things roll off of me and it consumes me.
She grabs an outfit and goes into the dressing room. I look at all of the clothes not really getting the normal thrill that goes along with shopping. Lo walks out of the dressing room in the clothes and before she can head to the register one of the teenagers who work here stop her.
“Um, I just saw you take that outfit you’re wearing in there. You can’t steal, you need to go change into the wet clothes you came in with.” The girl is pretty, blonde, and as big as a toothpick. I can’t believe she is trying to accuse Lo of attempting to steal the outfit. This is not going to end well.
Lo turns toward her with murder in her eyes. “No shit, dumbass. Here are the tags that I was on my way to the register with.” The girl just looks at her, and Lo smiles. That’s a bad sign. “Oh sorry, a register is that big machine with buttons, you put money in it when you pay for shit. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go before I lose any more brain cells talking to you.”
She turns on her heel as the girl mutters “Bitch.” Under her breath.
Lo stops dead in her tracks and spins around. Oh no, we may get banned from this store. “Listen Barbie, just because I’m a strong-ass woman who isn’t going to take crap from a skinny little shit like you doesn’t make me a bitch. It makes me a woman who speaks her mind. Now, I know that’s a hard concept since you don’t have a fucking brain but maybe next time you should approach someone a little nicer. Then I wouldn’t have had to chew your ass up and spit it back out. Now this time if you mumble shit under your breath like a scared child you’ll get a lot more than my insults.”
The girl looks like a deer in the headlights, and I actually think she might be the epitome of the expression scared straight. I have to admit that I would be scared of Lo if she didn’t love me. Lo used to be like that girl, sweet and innocent. Life always seems to have a way to throw a wrench into your shit and screw it all up. When we leave the store the girl is still standing there shell shocked.
I turn and look at Lo. “Don’t you think you were a little rough on her?”
“Fuck no. She accused me of stealing because she assumed I was some stupid broke mall rat. Maybe next time she will think before she judges a book by its cover.”
She has a point. So many people judge you within seconds of meeting you and that judgment is usually wrong. We spend the next two hours looking in different stores and Lo forces me in a few dressing rooms, and threatens me into a few purchases. She is trying so hard to pull me out of my shitty existence. That’s what family does though, and Lo is the best family anyone could have.
When we leave the mall I have to admit that my mood has definitely improved. For a second, I was able to escape the emotional prison that I have been confined to.
We stop at a restaurant for dinner on the way home. I haven’t been out in such a long time. When the waiter comes to take our order he lingers a little too long by me, something that used to make me giddy but now makes me uncomfortable and awkward. The thought of flirting with another man puts a lead ball in the pit of my stomach. I’ll always compare everyone to Damon, and no one will match up.
Lo looks at me and smiles. “Today was nice, wasn’t it?”
I look up and see the hope in her eyes. “Yeah, it was. I just don’t know how to do this every day.”
“Stop looking at the big picture, chick. Think about this shit one day at a time, hell, even one hour at a time if you need to. You can’t get over something like you went through at the drop of a dime. Trust me, I know. Go at your own pace, and eventually you won’t have to try at all.” She’s right. I was just hoping that the day would come where I would wake up and be over it all. The chances of that happening were slim, so maybe I just needed to put more effort in.
Our food comes and we eat in silence for most of the meal. Even after my pep talk with Lo, I feel like an outsider in my own body. I don’t know why I can’t get over this, and get back to who I was. How long does a person have to grieve before they can finally breathe again? I don’t want to be this girl anymore.
When the waiter drops the check off, he doesn’t move away from the table so I look up at him. “I know this is forward of me, but do you think I could take you out one night?”
I’m stunned at first before I recover enough to answer him. “I’m sorry but I’m in a relationship.” It may as well be true even though he is gone. My heart is still attached and fully committed to him. I’d almost feel like I was cheat
ing on him if I started dating at this point in my life.
He smiles and nods his head before walking away. Lo kicks me under the table.
“Ow! What the hell?”
“Who the hell are you in a relationship with? Your damn pillow?”
I flinch at her comment and look down at the table playing with my napkin. “Lo, I am so not ready for that. When I can make it a day without him haunting me, without seeing his eyes when I fall asleep, without dreaming about him, without being on the verge of tears whenever he crosses my mind, or without waking up and in my haze thinking he will be there next to me, that’s when I can move on. You can’t move on from something that occupies your every thought.”
I know she doesn’t understand because even though she’s been burned and manipulated she has never really been in love. Not the kind of love that takes a piece of you and gives it to the other person. It never lets go of you even when that person is gone from this world, You can still feel them. I swear sometimes I look around expecting him to be there, like I can sense his presence still.
“Jessie, you can’t just walk around like a zombie. You need to be able to start living again.” She looks at me like moving on is as easy as saying the words.
“That’s just it. I don’t know how to.” I raise my hands up and then drop them in defeat. It’s all I can say to her. It’s the truth.
She just stares at me and shakes her head, maybe out of exhaustion or possibly frustration. I choose not to respond though. I just want to get home. We drive back to the house and I make a promise to myself to try and start making changes, even if they start out small it’s better than nothing. My first baby step is to be a bum on the couch instead of spending all day in my bed.
Nicholas
It has killed me to watch her for the months I’ve been in town. She has lost a lot of weight, and that spark in her eyes has died. I took all of that away from her. I knew going into our relationship that she would eventually find out about me. I thought that I could convince her to leave the business. If she would have, I could have told her everything. I couldn’t compromise everything I had worked for if she was still involved with Tasha. Plus, it had become obvious that Jessie had a sense of loyalty to Tasha. I couldn’t risk her tipping Tasha off and blowing the entire case.
Regardless of my concerns and all the risks, the minute she opened her smart mouth I was hooked. I tried to push her away and every time I did I went running back to her. She was a force I couldn’t stay away from, and one I didn’t want to. She was everything I wanted and nothing I needed at the same time. My heaven and my hell all built into one. The sweetest temptation I couldn’t deny.
When I saw her connect the dots in the interrogation room it killed me. She looked so hurt and betrayed. The truth was if they didn’t arrest her, people would have thought she knew from the start when we offered her a plea deal. With our relationship not being a secret, she would have been looked at as an accomplice, a spy. A week after knowing her I told my captain that when it all went down I wanted her cleared or I would take myself off the case. I couldn’t let her go down with the ship. He was reluctant to agree but when I refused to go into work he caved. Plus, he knew she was the only credible witness we had. I secured her safety before I ever made a move on her and pulled her into my world.
I tried for so long to talk to her to explain what I did and why I did it. The day that I was served with the restraining order a piece of me died. I couldn’t believe she would go to such extreme lengths to distance herself from me. A part of me had hoped that our bond would be enough, that she would need to see me as much as I needed to see her. She didn’t and it was the worst reality check I had ever been given. When I stopped her outside of the courthouse it was a last ditch attempt. I needed her to hear me out, because I knew soon that my ‘death’ would be happening. I just wanted another chance to let her know everything, to possibly fix what I destroyed.
Tasha wasn’t just running an escort service. Her dummy communications company served as a money laundering service for the mob. When I took down their operation we knew there would be repercussions. The day before Jessie testified, one of our informants told the captain that they were going to be putting a bounty on my head. I wrote the letter knowing the chance of her talking to me was slim and our time was running out. I needed to warn her, and to show her what I truly felt.
I couldn’t have told her that outside of the courthouse, not in public. I got a small apartment in Yardley which is the next town over and have been watching over her since. I convince myself it’s for her protection, but deep down inside I know it’s because seeing her from a distance is better than not seeing her at all.
Until I can figure out how to handle this I’ll have to live with stolen looks, and leaving her presents. I will be here to watch over her though, no matter how much she hates me. That girl owns my heart and I’m not going anywhere.
Chapter 2
Jessie
Over this weekend I’ve been trying to make an effort to get back to normal, it’s more for Lo’s benefit than mine. I have been hanging out in the living room, and for the first time in forever, I wore my hair down today. Baby steps. The last time Lo had tried to get me out of my funk it didn’t go as well as it did this time, which might be why I was so resistant to make an effort.
Today Lo said she has a surprise for me, and I’m dreading finding out what it is. “Please tell me where we are going.”
She laughs. “Nope, sorry chick. You’ll just have to sweat it out.”
“I could always not go.” I put my hands on my hips and stare her down.
“And I could always kick your scrawny ass.” She looks at me with contempt and I can tell that she isn’t joking. “Now get in the car before you make us late.”
I sulk out to the car making my feelings about this outing known. I know I told her I would try, but I just don’t feel up to this. When is it okay for you to move on? To leave your past behind?
I get into the car and try to put all thoughts of Damon out of my mind. Lo turns up the radio and I let the music drown out everything in my head. I close my eyes and before I know it, I fall asleep.
I am jolted awake by Lo shaking me. “We’re here, girl” I look around me and see the boardwalk.
“You took me to the beach?” She nods her head and I smile.
“You didn’t shut up about it the last time you went so I thought it might cheer you up.” She really is amazing. I don’t know how I would have made it through any of this without Lo.
It’s the middle of September so the weather isn’t the nicest but I can’t ignore the thought behind what she is doing. We walk up to the boardwalk together and take off our shoes once we reach the sand. Neither of us really talks, we just walk close to the water. Every once in a while it creeps up and wets our feet. I hear a few people yelling and I turn toward the other end of the beach. A guy has a girl thrown over his shoulder. She is laughing and smacking him, most likely in an attempt to make him put her down. They are so happy and carefree, so much like Damon and I, the only other time I have been to a beach. The guy slowly lets the girl down, and once she is on her feet he kisses her.
I look away. I can’t bear watching a couple in love knowing that I pushed away the one guy I could have that with. I was stubborn, pig-headed, and selfish for never talking to him. I never gave him the chance to explain anything to me, or tell me his side of the story. I just shut down and left in an attempt to protect myself. “I have to get out of here.”
I turn and begin to run back to the car. I can hear Lo calling me but I don’t stop. I can’t stop. My chest is so tight it feels like I can’t breathe. I’m really dizzy and lightheaded, probably from panicking and hyperventilating. When I get to the car I realize I don’t have the keys but my legs feel like jelly and I collapse onto the ground. I lean against the door and wait for Lo to come.
I hear the car doors unlock before I see her. I get in and she makes her way over then does the same.
“What the hell was that, Jess?”
I lean my head back against the seat. “I can’t do this, Lo. I’m not ready.”
She lets out a groan of frustration. “Not ready for what, Jessie? To function? To not spend every waking minute in bed? You are like a zombie and it scares the shit out of me!”
I look at her with tears streaming down my face. “Do you think it’s easy for me? I don’t even look in the mirror anymore because I hate the person staring back at me. To know that because of me, the person I loved fucking died! He is gone because of me! I pushed him away and he probably would have never been on that plane if I didn’t completely shut down on him! He would have been with me and safe. Not dying in a fucking plane crash! His face haunts me every minute of every day! I can’t escape him. So you try living with all of that shit then tell me how to move on.”My chest is rising and falling rapidly as I struggle to reel in my anger.
Lo doesn’t respond. I don’t think she knows how to. She just drives us home and neither of us mentions it again.
I hear Lo yelling at me to hurry up from the living room. Today is a professional development day, so that means no kids. Honestly, I would rather deal with the kids than the adults. The fact that it is Monday doesn’t improve my mood, but I am determined to try to move on. I myself think it’s a lost cause, but when I fail, at least I can say I tried.
When I get to my car and see what’s in the front seat I scream. Lo comes rushing out of the house. “What the fuck?”
There is a giant plush Olaf from the movie Frozen sitting in my front seat. With it there is another piece of paper. I pick it up opening it cautiously.
You should really make sure your car is locked. It isn’t safe.
I can’t even move as I look at it. I have felt like someone has been watching me for a while now. I chalked it up to being sleep deprived but now I’m not so sure. Who the hell could be doing this? The thing is that the notes aren’t threatening and now they leave me a stuffed animal of my favorite Disney character. The fact that whoever this is has now invaded my personal space is scary. The more I think about this person being in my car has the hairs on the back of my neck rising.
Shattered Lives Page 2