Shattered Lives

by Alexis Noelle

  “I am, Cap–”

  “No! Fucking sitting in a car with her for a half hour and making out is not observing! What is going on in that stupid ass head of yours? Do you want to get yourself killed?!” Even though I can’t see him, I know his face is red and the vein in his forehead is pulsing as he continues to yell at me.

  “Are you having me followed?” I can’t believe this bullshit. I gave up my whole fucking life for him and the job and he is having me watched.

  “Of course I am! I need to make sure that you are being smart. This girl has fucked up your usually rational mind. The Acardi’s are actively looking for you. You want them to find you when you’re with her? You know they’ll stop at nothing to get what they want. Do you think they’ll hesitate to use your girlfriend as collateral?” My stomach drops and I freeze. This isn’t news to me, but those thoughts seemed to vanish while I was with her. My heart is making me sloppy and a fucking idiot. “That is what will happen when you’re careless, Nick. You leave in two weeks or I can’t protect you anymore.”

  “No. We agreed on a month.” I need more time with her.

  “That was before you felt the need to let her know you were still alive. Before you got careless. Two weeks,” he says with finality. I hear a click and I know that he is no longer there.

  Two weeks.

  Two weeks to convince her to come with me.

  Two weeks to get her to realize how amazing we could be together.

  Two weeks to show her how much I love her.

  Chapter 4

  Jessie

  I drive home not remembering any of my trip. This is too much information for one person to process. Being with him again tonight felt so damn right. Now that I am away from him, the feeling of emptiness is back. He is the remedy. He fills all of the spaces in me that are void, the ones no one else has ever seen. He’s alive. He loves me. He wants me to run away with him.

  How could I do that? Leave my job, and everything I worked for. Leave Lo, the only family I have ever known without any real explanation. I don’t think I could do that. The thought of leaving and never seeing her again opens up a different void in my chest, and I know my life won’t be complete without her in it. Just like it’s not complete without Damon in it.

  I walk into the house and Lo is lying down on the couch.

  “Hey, how was the dance? Did your celibate ass get horny from all of the pre-pubescent hormones floating around?” I don’t respond to her and she looks up at me. “What the hell happened to you?”

  “Nothing. I just need a shower.” I walk away from her, feeling like the shittiest person in the world. I just lied to the one person who has held me every night that I cried over the man I just found out is alive. I get undressed and head straight for the shower. I can’t look her in the face after spending the night with him.

  When I walk back into my room Lo is sitting on the bed. “What’s up, Jess? Don’t say nothing because I know that damn look.” She situates on the bed, making herself comfortable. She must see something on my face that tells her this could be a long story.

  I get dressed not knowing what to say to her. When I turn to face her though, I can see that she is not going to drop this. “I just…I miss him, I guess. It’s Valentine’s Day.” I shrug my shoulders hoping this explains it and she lets it go.

  Lo pats the bed signaling me to sit down. When I do she wraps her arms around me. “I’m here for you, chick. I promise it will get easier, especially because you aren’t living in a cocoon anymore.”

  I am the shittiest friend and person ever.

  * * *

  When I wake up in the morning I have a text from an unknown number.

  Tell Lo you have decided to volunteer for an after school club. I need to see you more often. I’m trashing this phone do not call or text this number back.

  I don’t think I can do this with him. I’m not a liar, and I hate sneaking around. On the other hand, it’s the only way I’ll get to see him. I have missed him so damn much that I don’t know if I can pass up an opportunity to be around him. Lo and I take the ride to school together, and I can barely keep up with the small talk.

  Once we get to the parking lot all I can think about is last night. The need to vent and confide in Lo is killing me. “Lo.” She turns toward me taking her hand off of the door handle. “I think I’m going to volunteer for one of the after school clubs. Maybe keeping busy will help me.”

  “Seriously?” she asks with a raised brow. When I don’t explain any further, she says, “Whatevs, if you want more time with the minions, go ahead. I can grab a ride home from someone else today.”

  “Thanks.” She smiles at me before getting out of the car.

  I’m going to hell.

  Lo has been here for me, and I am lying to her. I am actually considering leaving her without a word. Leaving her to think God knows what happened to me. Who does that to someone they care about?

  The day drags by and I find myself watching the clock more than once. Would I have a note from him today? I wait about thirty minutes after the final bell before walking out to my car. By now all of the students and teachers who don’t stay for after school clubs are gone. Lo is usually the first one out of the door, so I know there is no way that she is still here. I can see something white under my windshield wiper and I practically run to the car.

  I can’t wait to see you again. Come to 234 State Street.

  Glancing around to see if anyone is watching, I stuff the note in my bag. My heart races as I get into my car. I need to see him again. I need to make sure that last night was real, that he was real. My mind won’t shut up as I drive. What if it’s not the same? What if I’m not what he wants anymore? What if I say no to him? What if I say yes?

  When I get to the building it looks seriously creepy. It is an old brick building with a faded sign indicating that it used to be a kitchen supply store. The front door is boarded up, and for a minute I think I’m in the wrong place. I step out of the car and walk around the building looking for another door. When I get around to the back I see a steel door. It is the kind that has no handle on it, so I don’t know how the hell I am supposed to get in here. I lean against the cool brick, close my eyes and sigh. I am meeting a man who is supposed to be dead, I can’t contact him because he can’t have a regular phone, and I am outside of a building with no entrance. Just great.

  When a hand jerks my arm and pulls me inside of the building I scream. Another hand is quickly placed over my mouth, muffling my cry for help. I feel the scruff of a man’s chin on my neck. “It’s me, Jess. Stop screaming,” he says into my ear.

  My heart is racing and I can barely catch my breath. He releases me and I turn to face him. “Don’t you ever do that shit again!” I shove him in the chest.

  Even in the darkness I can see the fire in his eyes as they burn into me. The electricity that once sparked between us is in full effect and I know there’s no way I’ll be able to resist him. Before I can say anything else his mouth smashes against mine. His hands rip my shirt over my head forcing our lips apart for a minute, as I moan at the loss of him. Our need and desire takes control as our hands move frantically over each other. I cannot take the time to unbutton the shirt he has on so I just grip both sides and rip them apart. The sounds of buttons scattering fill the quiet room. I tear the shirt down his arms letting my hands skim over his muscles in their journey. My core tightens in anticipation as my fingers run over each ripple.

  His hands grab my ass lifting me up and slamming me against the wall. He tears his mouth from mine and makes a trail from my ear to my collarbone. “Damon.” I moan as his tongue traces the line of my breasts.

  He stills and his eyes meet mine. “I want to hear you say my name.”

  I look at him confused. “I just did,” I say breathlessly, eager for him to continue what he was doing.

  “No, my real name.”

  That’s when the reality of the situation I’m in hits me and a big buckle of ice col
d water gets dumped all over me, dousing the fire I was feeling seconds ago. I’m in love with a man and I don’t even feel comfortable calling him by his real name.

  Nicholas

  She stills against me and her legs loosen around my waist. I look into her eyes and see nothing but confusion. “Jessie, it’s just a name. It doesn’t change who I am, or what we were.” She nods her head but I can see the doubt etched across her face. “Talk to me.”

  Her hands wrap around my neck. “It’s just going to take some getting used to. I knew and was involved with Damon, I don’t know anything about Nicholas.”

  I lean down and place a kiss on her lips, then take one of her hands and put it over my heart. “This is the heart that fell in love with you, the one that has missed you for months, the one that has broken every time I thought about how I betrayed you. The thing that I need you to understand is that no matter what my name is, where I am, or who I become you will always be the only person in my heart.” I know I fucked up with her, but I have a second chance now and I am determined to make sure she understands just how much I care about her.

  Her mouth presses against mine as the hand that is on my chest tightens into a fist. I run my tongue across the seam of her lips begging her to open her mouth for me. When she does I quickly move my tongue against hers, needing to taste her. Her legs tighten around my waist again letting me know that she wants this. She wants me. After months of feeling like she hated me, like she couldn’t stand the sight of me, knowing that she wants me now is the best feeling in the world.

  I kiss her neck and slowly make my way down to her breasts. “I need you Da--” she cuts herself off. I look up at her and she runs her hand through my hair. “Nicholas.”

  Hearing my name rolls off of her sinful lips is enough to make me come. I have dreamed of her saying my name, being with me and not who I had to pretend to be, but I didn’t know it would feel this damn good. I lower her to the floor and ease her pants and underwear down, before lifting her back up. “Say it again.” My tone sounds rough, even to my own ears, but it’s taking every bit of control not to slam into her right here and now. I move her all the way up the wall so that her beautiful pussy is right in front of my face as I stand, her shoulders draped over my shoulders to help hold herself up. I blow a small bit of air out of my mouth onto her.

  “Ugh!” Her hands grasp my shoulders to steady herself.

  “Say it again Jessie and then I am going to do what I’ve wanted to do for months.”

  Her eyes meet mine once again. “I need you, Nicholas.”

  That’s it. I dive my tongue into her, fucking her pussy with my mouth while alternatively nipping at all of her sensitive areas. Her moans only urge me forward needing her release as much as she does. I move my mouth to her clit, sucking hard on it like a starving man at a buffet. I need every bit of her and I won’t stop until I get it. Her fingernails dig into my skin as she screams through her release.

  As much as I’d like to savor and taste every inch of her body, I can’t wait any longer. I lower her down the wall a bit, unhooking her legs from my shoulders until she is at the perfect height, then I slam into her. I’ve missed this feeling so much, and I have imagined fucking her every night. I feel her stretch to accept me but I can’t give her the time she needs. I move in and out of her fast and hard. I want to make love to her and I want to take things slow, but not right now. The animalistic need within me takes over and I lose control. She screams as I drive into her, showing her that she is mine. I am not willing to let her go again.

  I lean down and kiss her breasts, circling my tongue around her nipple before taking it into my mouth and gently grazing my teeth over it. After I finish with the second one I feel her pussy starting to clench around me. My grip on her hips tightens as I use them to slam into her even harder. I have to mark her, to leave her feeling me after I’ve left her.

  “I’m gonna come again!” She screams as her hands grip the back of my neck.

  Thank God she is close because I can’t hold out for much longer. When she comes and screams my name, not my undercover name but my real name, it turns me on so much. “Fuck!” I scream as I empty myself inside of her with a final thrust of my hips. I pull her away from the wall and sink down to the floor with her still in my arms.

  I will convince her that I am still in love with her.

  Then I’ll convince her to come away with me.

  Chapter 5

  Jessie

  Being with Damon--I mean Nicholas--tonight was amazing. It will definitely take me a while to be comfortable with calling him that. Right now it feels almost foreign, like I’m talking about a complete stranger. I’m lying against his chest trying to sort everything in my head out. I did not plan on coming here and doing this. Once he started, I couldn’t stop it. The pull between us is still as strong as it has always been.

  I can feel myself falling for him again already. The problem is that this time I know it will end in me getting hurt. In a month he will be gone and I’m not sure that I will be ready to leave with him. I get that it’s a now or never kind of deal, but I don’t know that I’m ready to jump in. His arms tighten around me and I look at him.

  “What are you thinking about?”

  “I don’t know. I just feel like I’m setting myself up for heartbreak. You’re leaving in a month, and where does that put me? Alone. Again.”

  He doesn’t respond and I start to get nervous. “I don’t have a month anymore. My captain knows that I’ve seen you and he isn’t too happy about it to say the least. He gave me two weeks and then I’m out or I lose all of their support.”

  My heart stops. Two weeks? He expects me to make a life altering decision in two weeks? “I can’t do this to myself again. I need to leave.” I move to stand up knowing that walking away from him tonight will be hard, but that losing him again after two weeks of being with him will be harder. His arms hold me against him.

  “Jessie, no. Please don’t do this. You can’t walk away. I need you more than you know. I can’t lose you again.” The obvious emotion in his voice tears me to shreds.

  I know I need to get up, to walk away. I look into his eyes and it’s hard to refuse him. There is a sense of desperation, a clear vision of pain, and an outpouring of love coming from him. “I can’t promise that I will leave with you.”

  His hands cup the sides of my face. “I don’t want a promise. I just need to know that there is a possibility. I just need hope. Give me that.” His eyes scan my face, almost like he’s trying to memorize each detail in case I decide not to run away with him.

  I take a deep breath. Can I give him that? I nod my head not trusting my mouth to express the decision of my heart. My rational side is screaming at me, calling me stupid and reckless. My emotional side is telling me I’m getting the thing I’ve wanted since I left the courthouse that day.

  “You have made me so fucking happy.” He kisses me and I feel like his emotions are pouring into me. Every ounce of love, passion, and every promise filling me until I’m about to burst.

  When he pulls away and looks at me, I can’t help but smile at him. I can’t help it; he makes me happy. If only our lives were simple and we could stay like this forever. “So where do we go from here? What now?”

  “Now I am going to spend every possible minute I can with you. I want to memorize every single aspect of you in case you choose not to come with me.” His face contorts as he mentions me not staying with him. I can see that us separating would be just as hard on him as it would be on me.

  His hands roam up and down the sides of my body and he lays me down on the blanket I hadn’t noticed was under us. This time is slow, and meaningful. It isn’t sex. It’s love. The hole in my heart that I thought would remain empty for the rest of my days suddenly feels full. I don’t know what the next two weeks holds for us, but I’m going to live in this moment and enjoy every second of it.

  * * *

  I get back to the house, my mind still reeling fro
m my time with Damon. I have officially decided that I can’t start calling him Nicholas. It feels awkward, unfamiliar, and just wrong. It almost felt like I was making love to a stranger when I was calling it out during our moments of bliss. We only had a little more than two hours together but I can’t stay out too late, that might make Lo suspicious.

  Luckily, when I come home Lo is in her room and I can sneak by without being noticed. I can’t face her right now and not spill my guts to her, but I need to talk to someone. No matter how much I love Damon, I don’t know if I can trust him. I feel so guarded and apprehensive around him. I mean he lied to me for months, and I had no idea. We need to talk about this the next time I see him, but whenever I’m with him he seems to cloud my judgment. Can I trust someone who lied to me so easily? I shake my head as I get dressed for bed.

  I need to talk to Lo. As much as she gives me shit, she is a sister to me, and I need someone to turn to right now. I resent him for taking that from me by insisting I don’t tell her. I understand his reasoning, but it doesn’t make it any easier.

  I will never forget the night I met Lo. Most people get the bubblegum story that we came up with that is ‘so us’. Well that version is bullshit. I’ll never forget the way I met my sister.

  I should not be out this late. We live in a fairly safe neighborhood but that doesn’t mean walking around at one in the morning is a smart idea. I had to get out of my house, the smell of weed was enough to get me contact high and I couldn’t sleep with all of the sexcapades going on. I wish I had normal parents sometimes. Parents who cared and would be worried sick that their daughter was out wandering around at this time of night. Instead mine tell me to pick up cigarettes while I’m out.

  I walk out of the convenience store hoping by the time I get back I’ll be able to get some sleep. I hear what sounds like someone sobbing down the alley to my left. I peer down it trying to see what is going on. That’s when I see her huddled against the dumpster, Lauren Tate. She is one of the prettiest girls at school, and one of the toughest too. Her bright blonde hair with red streaks is unmistakable. I’m nowhere near her radar so I know even if I went up to her now, she would have no idea who I was.