I don’t know what grosses me out more, the smell radiating from his mouth or the thought of going out with him. He has been eyeing me for weeks and I have even seen him lick his lips at me a few times. The bell rings signaling that lunch is over and I thank God. “You know, that is a great offer, but I’m really not getting into the dating scene right now. I had a really bad break up, and I’m just not ready yet.”
Especially because my supposedly dead boyfriend who was an undercover cop that busted me, is now back and wants me to flee the country with him. I mean honestly how is this even real life?
I see his mood change for a minute, and the look in his eyes scares me. It quickly disappears and he smiles at me again. “I completely understand. Maybe another time.” he grabs his odor fueled leftovers and leaves. I immediately grab my can of Febreeze air freshener and drown the room in it.
The rest of the day crawls by and I barely make it through. When I walk out to my car and see the telltale white piece of paper under my windshield I almost want to turn around and walk home. I pick it up and hesitantly open it.
We need to talk and work this out. Meet me at the first spot we met at.
I crumple the note in my hands and throw it on the floor of my car. Screw him. I don’t even feel like dealing with the emotional turmoil that he invokes in me. I drive home not caring that I’m standing him up. He can be the one to wait around this time. I walk through the door wanting nothing more than a hot shower and a warm bed. I see a note from Lo saying she went to the mall to try and help clear her head. I’m glad she’s turning to that instead of the sleeping pills.
I walk into the bathroom, plug my phone into the docking station and put the music on shuffle. When I step into the shower I stand under the stream of water and close my eyes enjoying the warmth that is spreading over my body. I try to wash away all of the pain, and heartache that feels like it has consumed me. These past few days have been so stressful with all the highs and lows my emotions have gone through that this seems like the first peaceful moment I’ve had. I lean against the shower wall and sigh.
“I have definitely missed seeing you in the shower.”
I scream at the sound of a voice right beside my ear. When I open my eyes, Damon is standing in front of me in the shower. “What the fuck are you doing in here? You scared the shit out of me!” I’m clutching my chest trying to get my heart rate back to normal.
He laughs but seems to drop the humor when he looks at my face. “You blew me off.” His jaw tenses and I know that he’s angry with me. It’s a good thing I don’t care.
“Which would mean to any normal fucking person that I don’t want to see you!” I turn off the water, pull the curtain open and grab my towel. I turn to him before exiting the bathroom. “You need to leave.”
Of course, once I go into my bedroom a minute later I hear the door open and shut. “You’re running again.”
Is he serious? “I am not running again. I have already left. Me not meeting you is me telling you to go fuck yourself. I don’t care about running anymore because there is nothing I want to run from. I will not leave with you. I refuse to put everything on the line for someone that I don’t even feel like I can trust.”
“I can’t lose you again, Jessie.” The desperation from the other night is back in his voice, but I clench my eyes shut and refuse to give in to him this time.
Opening my eyes, I turn toward him once I am fully dressed. The look in his eye makes it so much harder for me to stand my ground. I swallow hard before saying, “It’s over, Damon. You lost me the minute you showed up in that interrogation room. Trust is something that once it’s broken it can never be fully restored.”
He stands there staring at me for what seems like forever. “I get how much I hurt you. I know that I don’t deserve another chance. I also know that I have no idea how to live without you. I can’t breathe right when I’m not close to you. I can’t sleep through the night without you in my arms. I can’t even watch TV without wondering what you would say about it if you were there. I get that I broke your trust. But right now, in this moment, you have broken me.” His voice cracks on his last words.
I broke him? Fuck that. He does not get to play the victim. “I broke you? Did you cry yourself to sleep every night knowing the one person you loved set you up? Did you wonder how you could have ever been so stupid to fall in love with someone who was playing a part? Did you ever feel like you couldn’t breathe for weeks because the person you loved died without you ever being able to talk to them again? And did you then have that person come walking back into your life like everything was okay and expect you to pick up where you left off? No? I have,” I say as I point to my chest. I take a step back from him feeling like I can’t breathe and run my hands through my hair. “I have lived in hell since the night I was arrested and every second of that was caused by you and your actions. You were selfish and fucking cruel even starting a relationship with me. So don’t sit here and act like I’m the one that ripped us apart. That was you.”
Nicholas
She’s right. I am the one that screwed up this relationship from the beginning. I set all of this in motion knowing what the final outcome would be. Hearing her say the words though, has finally made me realize how stupid it was for me to come here. Why did I ever think that she would just leave with me?
I look into her eyes one last time. “I love you more than you will ever know, Jessie, and I will never stop. You are it for me, even if you don’t feel the same. I am going to walk away from you if that’s what you want. I need you to say it to me though, and you have to be sure. Once I am gone, there is no coming back.”
She takes a deep breath. Please tell me to stay. Say you love me. “We have to be done. I’m sorry.”
I nod my head. “If that’s what you want then I’ll leave. It will fucking kill me to walk away from you, but I love you enough to honor what you want. There isn’t any going back now though.” I place my hand on her cheek trying to memorize the feel of her skin against mine. My chest feels like it has been ripped in half, and it hurts just to breathe. My head dips down and I press my lips against hers. Her mouth opens for me and I slide my tongue in needing to taste her and drown myself in her one more time before I walk away.
Jessie pulls away from me and looks down at the floor refusing to meet my eyes. I can tell she is struggling with this decision but she isn’t budging either.
I lift her chin so that her gaze meets mine once more. “Goodbye, Jessie. I hope that you have an amazingly happy life. You deserve it.” I walk out of her bedroom and sneak back out through the back door. I get in my truck and beat the shit out of the dashboard. I hit it so hard I’m surprised the airbag doesn’t pop out.
I take out my phone to call the captain.
“Hello?”
“Get everything set up. I’m leaving tomorrow.”
I hang up without waiting for his reply.
I cannot believe that this is how it all turned out. This is how we turned out.
I thought coming here and having her realize I was still alive and I still loved her would be enough. It wasn’t because I hurt her too much. I forced her to let me in, made her walls crumble, only to have her build even thicker ones in their place. I meant what I said to her, there will never be anyone else for me.
It will always be her.
Chapter 7
Jessie
I almost told him to stay. When he kissed me I had to force myself not to react. Not to let my body melt into his and forget about the problems facing us right now. Not to tell him how much I still love him, need him. Not to tell him I wish I could leave with him and have our happily ever after. I almost run after him but I hear the front door open, and sink down onto my bed knowing this is the decision I had to make.
If Lo sees me like this, I don’t know if I can pretend I’m okay, if I can hold back what’s been going on. I crawl under the covers and pretend to be asleep. The door opens slowly and I try not to breathe. It
shuts after a minute and I let out a sigh of relief.
I don’t get out of bed the rest of the night, I can’t. It feels like I lost him all over again. This will be the third time and I’m not sure if I can survive it. One person can only take so much hurt and so much pain before they crumble. Before they become an empty shell of who they used to be. That’s what I am now, a ghost of my former self, someone who only physically resembles a person. Nicholas Lanutti has shattered my life, and I have no motivation to put it back together.
* * *
I wake up in the morning feeling like I did before. Empty. Useless. Like a robot programmed to make it through the day. I contemplate calling out but I don’t want to open myself up to the questions that would erupt from that. Luckily, today the kids have their standardized tests so all I need to do is stay awake and keep it together and make sure they don’t cheat, which seems a lot easier than it will be.
I get to school early as requested by our principal because he wants to brief us all again on the do’s and don’ts of administering the tests. I choose to stay in my room alone for lunch. Fortunately, Lo has another meeting so I get no resistance. When I hear a knock, I have a feeling who it will be. I don’t answer this time, hoping if he thinks I’m not here, he will go away.
When the door opens I groan. No such luck. “Hi, Jessie. Mind if I join you again?”
I don’t answer him. The niceties I reserve for work are not present today. Randy doesn’t let it bother him and walks in anyway. He keeps trying to engage me but I have no interest in what he is saying or even responding to it.
“Jessie, is something wrong?” he asks after a few minutes with absolutely no reaction from me.
I look up at him only to find him standing up and staring down my shirt. Fucking asshole. My lip curls up at the crudeness of him. “There is something wrong, Randy, and you inviting yourself here to eat lunch is part of that something. Why don’t you just leave, because I have no intention of conversing with you.”
His face turns dark and I almost flinch from the look he aims at me. It reminds me of the first time I blew him off in my room, and my body’s response is the same. A cold sweat runs up my spine as I wait for him to do or say something in return. Without a word, he turns around and walks out of my room. A chill runs through my body and I jump as the bell rings. I need to get a grip and relax. The sting of rejection will wear off soon and he’ll leave me alone.
I walk out to my car in a daze and thankful that today is finally over. When I see the white piece of paper under my windshield, I gasp. Why? Why can’t he just leave? I shouldn’t read it. I should tear it up and scatter the pieces. That’s when I remember the last time I tore up a letter from him and how I regretted it every day. I still do. I pick it up carefully almost as if it is going to explode.
Meet me one last time. I need to tell you something. I’m leaving tonight.
I should go home. I should just let him go and not torture myself anymore. Going to see him means I may give in. I might actually tell him to take me with him. Tell him that I love him.
Before I realize what I’m doing I am driving to the address on the note. As stupid as I am, I can’t resist the pull.
I can’t resist him.
Nicholas
I wait in the building for her. Scared that she won’t come, and almost as scared that she will. I have to try one last time. I was close to breaking her yesterday. I know she was close to coming with me, or to asking me to stay. The fact that she couldn’t even look at me says more than her words did. I’m not blind, and I’m not imagining the feelings she has for me. I just hate that she’s fighting them so damn hard.
I watched her this morning. I saw the despair, the hurt, and the sadness. She loves me even if she won’t say it. I know she is trying to protect herself. To hurt me and push me away before I can hurt her again. What she doesn’t understand is that I am ready to sacrifice everything for her, to put my life on the line, and make her the center of my entire world.
When I talked to the captain this morning, I told them to have an extra ticket on hand just in case. It’s a long shot but it’s the only one that I have. After I say what I plan to she will either run, or she will be mine.
I’m pacing back and forth barely able to contain the anticipation and the nervousness coursing through me. This is it. Either I will have my girl with me and be happy, or I will live the rest of my days in misery.
Chapter 8
Jessie
I pull up to the building and almost put the car in reverse. What am I doing? I don’t even think I can answer that question right now. When I saw his message I had to come. I needed the closure of knowing what it is that he wanted me to know, something I didn’t get the last time he left because I was too damn stubborn to give him an inch. When we part ways this time, I want to be able to look back at our time together and not have regrets. It won’t happen right away, but hopefully with time, I’ll get there. That’s why I know I need to do this and see him one last time before he leaves. Forever.
I walk up to the door and take a deep breath before knocking lightly on it. When it opens I walk in and am surrounded by darkness. I half expected him to have the place fully decorated in some grand gesture.
“Okay, I’m here what did you—“
A hand holding what I can only guess is a rag is forced over my mouth. I try to struggle but whoever it is wraps their other arm around my body and soon everything is going black.
Nicholas
Where the hell is she? I have waited for over an hour for her to show up. Is she really going to stand me up? Going to let me leave the damn country for good without even listening to what I had to say? My anger starts to rise as my jaw ticks and my fists clench. Fuck her then. If she doesn’t care then I damn sure don’t anymore. I get that I screwed up but I am not willing to be punished for it forever. How long must one person pay for their sins? If she won’t even let me right my wrongs then I need to just give up on it. She could have at least showed up and told me she didn’t care about what I had to say. The fact that she didn’t have the decency to say goodbye tells me everything I need to know.
I grab the keys to the truck that has been driving me around this shitty-ass town for the past few weeks. The drive to the airport takes half of the time it normally would. I’m going at least twenty miles over the speed limit, but what are they going to do? Give me a ticket? Nicholas Lanutti is dead and in a couple of hours I will be out of the fucking country.
My phone rings and I answer it anticipating it to be the captain confirming my flight info. “Yeah, I’ll be at the airport in about five minutes.”
“I wouldn’t do that if I were you.” The voice I hear makes my blood run cold. I pull off onto the side of the highway.
“Listen you piece of shit, I don’t know what your game is but I’m not fucking playing it.” I’m about to hang up when I hear Jessie scream. A chill runs down my spine and a wave of nausea hits me.
“I got your attention now?” he sounds smug over the phone, and I want to bash his fucking face in.
“I’m going to fucking kill you.” My voice is low but deadly. I’ve never meant anything more in my life.
“No, you’re not. You won’t touch me because if you do she will be splattered all over this room. You will do exactly what I tell you when I tell you. Fucking with us was a bad decision, Lanutti.” He makes a tsking noise as if to chastise me. Fucker.
The line goes dead and I can’t move. How the hell did they get her? How did they find me? I call the captain still unable to really understand what the hell is going on.
“You at the airport?”
This is not going to go well. “No. I’m not leaving. The Acardi family took Jessie. I need to get her back.”
“Are you fucking crazy? You need to get on that damn plane, Lanutti! They took her as leverage! You show up there, they will kill you and then finish her off to avoid a witness.”
“They won’t touch her.” I hang up not
willing to listen to any more of his bullshit. I will get to her and I will make sure those assholes pay. I pull the car back onto the highway but then I realize I have no idea where I’m going. I try to call the number back but all it does is ring. I know the way these guys work. I won’t get ahold of them until they want me to.
I head toward the city knowing that I am at least heading in the right direction. Once I get there though, I have no idea what to do next, I pull into a parking lot and the waiting game starts. Sitting here while I know that they have her is tearing me apart. My mind is racing thinking about what they could be doing right now. If they touch her, I swear to God I will kill every fucking one of them. Slowly. They will suffer ten times as much as Jessie. I’ll make sure of it.
After an hour of driving myself crazy my phone finally rings. I swipe the screen and put it to my ear.
“I hope you took this time to realize the seriousness of the situation. If you want your bitch back then you will play by my rules and do exactly as I say. Fuck with me once, Lanutti, and she’s gone.”
My blood boils as I’m listening to him talk. “Don’t you fucking –”
“Watch your mouth before I cut your fucking tongue out and make her watch. You are in no position to tell me what to do. You will keep your damn mouth shut and follow my directions or I’ll start sending you little pieces of her until there is nothing left.”
My stomach turns knowing how serious he is. Anthony Acardi is known for his brutal and cruel ways. We have never been able to pin any of his crimes on him since most times he just directs the actions rather than doing them himself. That is why I had to make sure that he thought I was gone, but I obviously did a shitty job of that. Fuck, if I had listened to the captain and stayed away, none of this would be happening. They knew we were involved. Why the fuck wouldn’t they be watching her to see if I came back? I think in the back of my mind I knew it was a possibility, but the pull to be near her, touch her, be with her was too strong and I dismissed all rational thought. It is my fault that Jessie is gone and I will do whatever I need to make it right.
Shattered Lives Page 6