by Rosie Scott
The words of the Alderi man who introduced us to Silvi years ago suddenly came back to me.
Alderi men are the worst troublemakers and heart-breakers on the surface. Loving long-term doesn't come naturally to us, and other races have a hard time understanding and accepting that.
A crushing weight of self-consciousness overwhelmed me while Neliah and I shared an awkward silence. I remembered her apparent distaste for the perverted nature of the Alderi, and I automatically connected that to the fatal flaw I had and couldn't control. I realized then that I cared for Neliah; she'd confessed to considering me a friend in Llyr, conversations with her calmed me, and the rapport we shared over our mental difficulties was unique and comforting. But love? I didn't love her. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't. It wasn't an option the gods had given me. Perhaps Neliah knew this and hated it, using it as a reason to keep from getting involved.
So much time had passed since my clear admission of attraction that to say anything now would make things worse. I finished my cigarette and threw its butt over the railing just in time to hear boot steps come to a stop at the steps behind me.
“Cal?” Koby called up.
I turned, grateful for the interruption until I remembered the reason I left him in the office. Koby searched my face for clues to my mood; as willing as he was to broach conversation about the underground earlier, he seemed to connect that with my swift exit.
“Are you ready for the next refugee?” I asked, trying to prove I was calm with no need to say it.
“I don't want to interrupt anything,” Koby said tentatively, his gaze switching between me and Neliah.
Neliah was stiff as a statue in my peripheral vision as I trotted down the stairs to the quarterdeck and replied, “You didn't.”
Four
With one refugee left to interview, I leaned back in my chair and kicked my boots up on the desk again. I felt Koby's gaze on me even though I focused on lighting yet another cigarette. He freely talked business over the few hours of interviews since I'd abruptly left, but his silence when we were alone spoke wonders.
Time ticked by as we waited for our last potential sailor. Not wanting Koby to bring up the awkward moment again, I leaned forward to grab the last prepared contract off the desk. Skimming over most of it, I found the name of the woman and blurted, “What kind of a name is Hiltrud?”
Koby relaxed a bit at my humor. “It's dwarven, Cal.”
“How do you know?”
“Because there's only one dwarf we freed in Llyr and she's the only one we haven't interviewed,” Koby explained. After a moment, he added facetiously, “Genius.”
I chuckled at his quip. “Well, Hiltrud's late.”
“I won't hold that against her. Given our track record of blunders, we have no right.”
I huffed. It was true.
“Cal,” Koby said pointedly, a tilt to his voice. I sunk lower in my seat. I knew that tone. It meant Koby wanted to get to the bottom of something. “Is everything all right?”
“Everything's fine.”
“That's not even a high-quality deflection.”
Koby's continued humor about the situation caused some of my anxiety to dissipate. I asked, “Are you asking about the situation in here or what happened with Neliah on deck?”
“Well, the first, but now that you mention Neliah I'm curious about both,” he admitted.
“I struggle to understand Neliah.”
“I think everyone on board struggles to understand Neliah,” Koby pointed out. “But for some reason, she likes you.”
I smirked over at him. “You say that like there's not much about me to like.”
Koby smiled and shrugged. “There's a lot about you that I like, but we're friends. When we first met Neliah, I didn't think she'd last in our crew for very long. She seemed distrusting of us on sight. Over time she warmed, but especially to you. I view her as a walking contradiction. Neliah is ashamed of her failures in the Eteri Army, but she imitates that seafaring life as a mercenary. She harshly rejected your flirtations in Silvi, yet you're the only one she'll open up to now. You've said she always fights for vengeance. It's clear that dwelling in her past bothers her, but by re-imagining she's fighting people who wronged her, she keeps the past in the present. She's attracted to the same things she fears.”
I stilled for so long that the ashes at the end of my cigarette flaked off on their own, landing in a dusty gray pile on my trousers. “You think she fears me?”
Koby laughed softly. “That question indicates you already know she's attracted to you. I don't know, Cal. I don't know if she fears you or something you signify. Like I said, she distrusted us at first sight. Who knows why? Is it because we're Alderi? Is it because we're sailors? Is it because we're men?”
I pondered that as I took another drag.
“You know what I think?” Koby asked. “I think you're spending too much time speculating about one woman. You're so used to getting all the women you want that when you come across one who isn't so easily pursued, it perplexes you. The more you can't have her, the more you want her.”
There was some truth to that. I frowned and replied, “You're right, but it's more than that. I'm confused by the link between caring for someone and wanting to bed them.”
Koby must have shared my philosophical mood because his interest piqued. He shifted in his seat and asked, “Why?”
“Most of the women I sleep with are strangers,” I began. “Since being on the surface, I've been with dozens. But the sex I remember most was with Aysel.”
Koby quieted. It was the first time I mentioned Aysel around him since our first stay in Silvi.
“I didn't love her,” I continued, “but I wished I could. I cannot help who I am, but I feel guilty for who I'm not. Aysel deserved love. She was so friendly and patient and understanding. At first, I was only attracted to her because she was beautiful. But as I got to know her, I started to care for her. Sex with her was memorable not only because she was skilled, but because I wanted so badly to please her to show her that I cared for and appreciated her. I always want women to enjoy their time with me, but because I cared for Aysel I wanted that even more. It's so similar to how humans describe love. I got so close, but it was kept just out of my reach. It's like there's a wall in my brain keeping me from crossing over into enlightenment, and it's something I cannot change.”
“And now you care for Neliah,” Koby murmured, understanding.
“Yes. And I want to show her in the only way I know how, but something holds her back.”
“She's probably a monogamist, Cal. She knows you're not.” Koby hesitated. “You're unnecessarily torturing yourself by over-thinking things you can't control. There are more ways than sex to show someone you care for them. We're best friends and we've never had sex. Think about it: how do you know I care for you?”
I thought back to Koby's refusal to leave me in Silvi after our escape despite how anti-social and withdrawn I was. That led to remembering Briona's words about Koby's love for me during my first transformation in Silvi. That brotherly love seemed obvious to Briona, but would the sentimental ignorance of the Alderi allow Koby to even recognize it? “Have you ever loved, Koby?”
“No,” he answered immediately, though he hesitated, looking thoughtful. “I mean...romantically, no. But I think us Alderi love in other ways, Cal. I hope this won't cause you pain to remember, but I think Azmaveth and Fraco loved one another. And they were brothers. The way Fraco broke down after Azmaveth's execution...” he trailed off. I met his eyes just to find concern and an intense emotion I did not recognize within them. “If you were to die, I can imagine breaking down the same way.”
A ferris high already calmed my brain, but I could feel the anxious trembling that threatened to break through the peace at these thoughts of the underground.
“My life is entwined with yours,” Koby went on, his voice thicker than normal as he fought through introspection. “You are another person, yet you are a
piece of me. Everything we do, we do together. If I lost you, I wouldn't know what to do with myself. Would I even know who I was? I build so much of my identity from who I am or try to be while I'm with you. I would risk my life to keep you safe or even happy. I would die for you. What causes these things to be true for you and no one else? Why do bonds grow so easily between two people and not others? Is it our shared background? Is it fate? Is it love?”
All thoughts of the underground fled in that moment. Koby's emotion was so profound it made the air dense and hard to breathe. Briona said the words in Silvi, but when I listened to Koby I felt them. Suddenly, I understood why Koby stuck with me through thick and thin in defiance of all my faults. Despite all rhyme and reason, I was the only person he loved.
“I'm sorry,” Koby blurted heavily, following it up with a sigh. “I didn't wish to make you uncomfortable. I am not sexually attracted to you, Cal, if it worried you that these ramblings would lead to some grandiose reveal.”
Despite the tense air, I laughed and put my cigarette out. “I know.”
“The Alderi are so sexual that perhaps when we come across different types of love, we struggle to understand how it can be so without sexual attraction,” Koby mused softly. “If I said that perhaps I do love you as a friend, would it bother you?”
An aching ripple shot through my heart, and I suddenly felt undeserving. “No,” I replied.
“All right.” Koby exhaled with relief. “Well, I hope that answers your question.” He laughed shakily and ran a hand through his hair. “Hell, I need to stop getting high. I thought it only made you philosophical, but here I am, going on long-winded rants about subjects I don't want to think about.”
“My philosophical nature affects you,” I pointed out. “You only went on that rant when I asked you a question.”
“That's true.” Koby chuckled and scolded, “Stop it.”
“It's fun to ponder things, though, isn't it?”
Koby huffed. “You only think it's fun when it relates to existentialism. You don't think about things if they're practical.”
“I love when you so easily insult me.”
“Good. It gives me an excuse to keep doing it.” Koby snickered when I glanced over with amusement. Sobering, he added, “I'm not so easily distracted, though, Cal. Now you want to tell me about that situation in here?”
“Not really.” After he huffed with dissatisfaction, I confided, “I transformed so much salvaging cargo in Killick that I'm snapping easier. I'm in a lot of pain right now, but I'm trying to get through it by focusing on work.”
“All I did was mention it,” Koby said. He didn't say the underground, but he implied it.
“That's all it takes.”
“I mentioned it again minutes ago and you were fine.”
“One of life's little mysteries,” I jested dryly.
“I'll be careful, Cal,” Koby promised. “Remind me not to smoke if I go for ferris again. I'll tell the others to stop smoking. All except for you and Sage. We need to conserve ferris for those who need it.”
“Neliah suggested the same thing.” I hesitated, stared at the door, and asked, “Koby?”
“Yeah?”
“I don't think this Hiltrud exists.”
Koby laughed and stood from his chair, stretching before he went for the door. “I'll find her.”
Mere seconds passed before Koby's voice filtered through the lower deck. “There you are! We're waiting for you.”
“Hell, I'm sorry,” replied a robust female voice with a thick dwarven accent. “I came down here to talk to ya but heard so much talkin' I figured ya had someone else in there with ya.”
Koby reappeared in the doorway. He wiggled his eyebrows at me before he plopped back in his chair. When a few seconds went by with no one joining him, I asked, “Is she invisible?”
“Nah, I'm right here.”
With my legs still elevated, I rolled them to the side to see past my thick boots to the doorway. They moved to reveal a stout dwarven woman standing on the other side of the desk. She was so short she could barely see over it. Energetic green eyes complemented her copper hair, which laid softly over either shoulder in two long braids. Her facial features seemed exaggerated compared to those of other races; her ears were a bit wider, her nose broader, and her lips more opulent. A spattering of freckles dusted her nose and cheeks, giving her a youthful appearance. Though she was likely only three feet and a few inches tall, she made up for it with her sturdy stature. Impressive muscle tone was softened with a cushion of fat that looked so irresistibly plush my brain surrendered its control to the other head in my trousers.
“Hey, love,” I purred happily, pulling my legs off the desk to sit up with interest.
Hiltrud stopped walking to the chair and met my gaze. “What did ya call me?”
Koby snorted a laugh as I stilled and gave the dwarf a mischievous look. “Uh...nothing?”
The beginning of a soft smile raised Hiltrud's lips as she insisted, “No. Repeat what ya said.”
Koby and I exchanged a curious glance. I repeated, “Hey, love.”
Hiltrud's big green eyes flashed with excitement and she shivered dramatically. “If ya keep callin' me that, I promise to call ya Captain in situations both appropriate and inappropriate.” She continued her waddle to the chair and hopped up to sit in it as my whole body heated with the anticipation of sex.
“Consider me interested in your offer, love,” I flirted as she settled in her chair.
Hiltrud grinned. “Ya don't have to say a word, Captain Handsome.” She pointed to my lap. “Yer sturdy friend there gives ya away. Didn't know it was possible to be a shower and a grower.”
Koby burst into laughter. As much as I adored Hiltrud's crude humor, her flirtations were so overwhelming that lust fogged my head until it felt like I'd explode. I found it hard to focus, so Koby started the conversation.
“Before we get started, Hiltrud...” Koby glanced over at me and grinned. “We aren't monogamous. If we hire you, we don't want any misunderstandings—”
“You two spent weeks in Killick spreading yer seeds around to anythin' that moves,” Hiltrud retorted light-heartedly. “I'd be stupid t'think either of ya wanted to settle down. My imagination ain't the greatest, but being on the seas from Llyr to Killick with all ya dashin' Alderi men sure inspired some naughty stories to start writin' themselves in this big ol' noggin.” She tapped on her head with a thick finger.
“Dear gods,” I groaned happily.
Koby's face flushed with sexual excitement. He chuckled low and pinched his nose, trying to focus. “Are all dwarven women like you, Hiltrud?”
“If so, we need to go to Hammerton as soon as possible,” I declared.
Hiltrud chortled at our reactions. “Are all dwarven women this fun? Nah. Lots'a dwarves love gettin' married. We just like takin' a real long time to figure out who our partner will be, is all.” She hesitated. “Oh, and please call me Hilly. I hate Hil-trood. Sounds so old and serious, like.”
“I will call you whatever you want whenever you like,” I purred.
Hilly grinned and started fanning herself. “As ya wish, Captain.”
As I squirmed with desire, Koby knocked on the wooden desk multiple times in a row, trying to calm us all down at once. Though he appeared overwhelmingly amused, he announced, “Business. We need to talk business before we lose ourselves in fantasies. Do I need to get someone else and a bucket of cold water in here?”
“Yes,” I said. “Definitely yes.”
Hilly laughed. It was a bouncy, joyous sound. I felt faint with attraction. “Cold water ain't gonna tame those monsters,” she joked, pointing at both our groins.
“That's it.” Koby abruptly stood and left the office. Moments later, he reappeared with Kali.
Kali grinned when she noticed the sexual tension in the room. “You can't make this shit up,” she mused, crossing her dark arms and leaning back against the door frame. “I have to be a mediator between
my captains and fellow sailors because you all can't get through a simple conversation without wanting to fuck each other.”
“Look at 'em. Do ya blame me?” Hilly asked, motioning at Koby and me.
Kali shrugged. “I like women.”
“I like everyone,” Hilly replied.
Kali's eyebrows raised with sudden excited interest. “What? Really?”
Minutes later, Hassan stood at the door instead of Kali, looking just as amused by the situation as she had. Though he also liked the idea of a sexually adventurous dwarf, at least he could control himself for the time being.
“I have strict orders to shoot whoever makes an innuendo,” Hassan said facetiously, patting the arbalest leaning against his leg that he brought with him like an empty threat. “Start talking.”
“Are you looking to stay with us?” Koby asked Hilly.
“Are ya kiddin'?” Hilly blurted. “This has all been a dream come true! Gettin' captured wasn't the greatest, but then I'm saved by a group of beautiful people who are all lookin' for a good time. I'll be stayin' 'til one of ya'll throws me off the ship.” When Hassan playfully loaded his arbalest, Hilly added, “Oh, come on! I said nothin' bad.”
“You're getting awful close,” Hassan replied, cranking his weapon's string until it clicked.
Koby laughed at Hassan's humorous threat. “Where are you from, Hilly?”
“Narangar,” Hilly replied. “I hope it ain't bad to say, but I'm a deserter of the Chairel Army.”
“That's good to say,” Hassan commented. “It means you have sense.”
“I ain't so sure about that.” Hilly laughed. “If they ever catch me, I'm dead. Chairel shows no mercy to those who abandon their precious army.”
“Then why'd you leave?” I asked.
“'Cause I wasn't happy.” Hilly raised her thick copper eyebrows and lamented, “Chairel is picky about everything. If something causes joy or happiness, it's banned. I joined the army to try to become part of some elite that don't exist. Soldiers ain't treated any better. We were yelled at like ornery kids despite puttin' our lives on the line to stave off the damn high elves.” She grimaced. “Apologies. I know the pretty one on deck is Vhiri. I'll try mindin' my tongue.”