Beautiful to Me.

by G. V. Steitz

  “Well, I am not planning on missing one more minute Ivy. I am spending the night on this couch and I want to see Ava first thing in the morning.” I demanded.

  I didn’t know if I was mad for her not telling me or happy that she gave up so much for me and still loved me all this time.

  “Of course. I will get you some blankets.” She whispered.

  “That is not necessary. I doubt I will get much sleep. I want to look through this album of my daughters life if that is ok with you.” I said briskly.

  “Of course.” Ivy whispered and began to walk towards her bedroom she turned around once more.

  “I’m so sorry for hurting you Dominic. I truly never meant to do that. I was just afraid. I know that isn’t a good enough excuse but please don’t take her from me. I can’t live without her. Ava is my entire life.” She pleaded.

  I didn’t say anything. I just stared at her a few minutes and went back to the album.

  I heard Ivy walk down the hall and her bedroom door closing.

  I leaned my head back in disbelief. Today my professional career began, I found the love of my life and I found out I have a 5 year old daughter I never knew I had. FUCK!

  I really didn’t know what to think. I was so surprised, in shock, happy and mad. Roll that up in a nice bow with a sprinkling of confusion, panic, excitement and fear and there you have my entire insides.

  I know I seemed pretty rude to Ivy, but what did she expect. I can still hear her crying softly in her room. I feel like an asshole, and yet, I feel like she took away the first five years of my own child’s life from me without giving me any choice in the matter.

  I began to look through what I now realize is my daughter’s first five years of her life. Besides the 9 months before she was born.

  The beginning of the book I seen pictures Ivy had taken of her in the same place back drop and every month of my daughter growing in her belly, showed a picture of Ivy showing off her growing belly and a sign that showed the month she was in. Then I saw a picture of Ivy’s first ultra sound. Ivy was holding a sign that said “It’s a GIRL!” and the picture of the ultra sound she was holding in the picture I was holding in my hand.

  Then I saw the pictures of Ava being born. And a letter made out to Ava. I opened the envelope and read the letter Ivy wrote our daughter the day she was born.

  To my beautiful Daughter…

  Ava Michelle Shane.

  From the second I found out I was carrying you, I fell in love with you.

  I do have something to confess to you. I hope that one day, when you know, you will forgive me.

  The reason your father is not here today to celebrate in your breath taking arrival is ONLY my fault and mine alone.

  You see my love, I had not known I was carrying you the last time I seen your father. You weren’t planned but you are the best surprise I will ever have I can tell you that. I will never lie to you my love.

  Your daddy doesn’t even know you are actually here yet. I know... I really did want to tell him. I swear I did. But I hope you can understand my reasoning. You see, I was a foolish young girl when I left your daddy. I didn’t think he loved me and I didn’t want him to think I was trying to trap him into loving me with a baby. Not that he would think that but I had concerns that I might be holding him back from his life’s dreams of going pro ball.

  With you having blessed my life, your daddy’s world would of changed completely. He might not be able to attend college, and I am positive he will receive a full scholarship. Still, it’s not fair for me to keep you a secret, but I am truly afraid. Afraid of losing you. Afraid of your father hating me. Afraid that he some day, might regret his decisions to taking care of us, or even just you.

  Your father was the best thing that came into my life until you did. You see, your father really once saved my life. And you my love, saved my life the second time.

  Before I found out I was carrying you, I was hurting myself. So much that I actually had planned to kill myself the weekend after I took the first pregnancy test. I figured it was just my imagination, but to make sure, before taking my life, I didn’t want to take any others. Especially one that was made with complete love.

  The second I found out you were inside me, I knew I couldn’t do anything to prevent you from coming into this world.

  Your daddy’s mommy, who is your grandma, had a twin sister. Her name was Ava. The night your daddy had saved my life, he took me to his parent’s home, and I met your grandparents for the first time. I fell in love with your daddy’s entire family. Your grandma had confided in me, after realizing I had a troubled past. By that I mean I was mourning the loss of my big brother who passed away from Leukemia. His name was Mitchell. So, since your grandma lost her twin, whom she loved as much as I loved Mitchell, my brother, I thought I could honor both of their lives through you. So I named you Ava Michelle.

  Michelle being the female version of Mitchell and that is why your name is Ava Michelle.

  There will be a day you are introduced to your daddy and your family on his side. I promise you that. You daddy loves you already, he just hasn’t you yet. I promise I won’t stand in your way when the time comes to meet him. You have every right to know him and his family. Don’t be afraid if this happens if I am not around. My will and trust has your daddy listed as full custodian of you, as well as full guardian in charge of your trust you will have in the event of my passing for any reason. As much as my mom will love to have you, it won’t be her place to decide. I have been selfish enough. You and your daddy will be the ones to decide what comes next. But I can tell you this my angel… You will never go wrong with your daddy’s love and trust. Your daddy’s family will adore you and cherish you for the rest of your life. Even if you are afraid of what change may come, please give your daddy a chance. You won’t regret it.

  In the mean time I plan on loving you the rest of your life. I promise to do my very best to give you everything I can. No matter what I have to give up, as long as I know you are happy, I won’t ever feel like I missed out on anything. I really believe I was meant to be here to give birth to you and to be your mommy. I will do everything I can to not let you down.

  I will be sure to record and save all of your life’s special moments.

  I will have a DVD collection for every big day of your life so you and daddy can watch the beautiful story of you, together some day. I want to make sure I won’t allow him to miss out of your birth, your first of everything I will document. I promise to record all of the memories I would never want to miss out on.

  I promise to tell you about your dad from the first day I spend with you, until the day I die. Just please please, whatever you think of me, for not having your daddy with you right this minute, never be mad at him. Be mad at me baby. It was never your daddy’s decision to not want you. I am the bad one for keeping you from him. I hope you will forgive me and I promise as soon as your daddy is done with his special job, I will not lie and keep you from him. He will come for you. I promise.

  Thank you for being my very special angel and flying into my life when I needed nothing but you. I will always need you and your happiness and nothing else. So long as I have that, I will survive through anything.

  Love always and forever,

  Your very lucky to be your Mommy.

  xoxoxoxoxoxo

  After reading that letter, three times I slumped back into the couch, still able to hear Ivy softly crying. I sucked in a deep breath, and I was crying since I read her letter the first time.

  I decided Ivy and I would do this the way she needed to. I now realize Ivy has never been with anyone since me, and she did try to do what she felt was in the best interest of both me and Ava.

  I still love Ivy, I never stopped. I just need to take this one minute at a time for right now. I have tomorrow off, and I plan on spending the day with Ivy and my daughter. Ava.

  I haul my ass up from the couch, taking the book with me I quietly walk over to Ava’s room and p
eek in.

  Ava sleeping like a little snuggle bug. All tucked in and looking very happy. She is a happy girl. I smile and quietly close her door again, and walk over to Ivy’s room. Leaning my forehead up on the door, I try to put all of my emotions in check to straighten myself out before going in there.

  Still not a clue of what to say, I know it will come to me when I see Ivy.

  I softly tap on the door, and hear Ivy stop crying and knowing her, she is holding her breath, hoping I didn’t hear her. I softly chuckle. “I can hear you in there.” I whisper.

  Ivy, let’s out a defeated sigh and is probably plotting her escape. I finally peek in the door after opening it a crack.

  Inside I find Ivy hidden underneath her covers, making me smile and I finally walked in.

  “Hey.” I whispered, as I walked into Ivy’s room, closing the door quietly behind me.

  Ivy peeked out from under her covers, looking cute. I froze for a second, not sure of what I was doing was right or not. I didn’t want to scare her more than I already had today.

  I scrubbed my face a few times with the palm of my hand, resting my hand on the back of my neck after running it threw my hair. I let out a long sigh.

  “Hi.” Ivy squeaked, looking as if she was trying to desperately hold back fresh tears from falling.

  I walked over to her bed. “Can I sit down?” I asked, hoping she wouldn’t make a run for it. Luckily, she nodded and sat up, leaning up against the headboard.

  “I don’t know where to begin. Everything that happened today, I mean…” I shook my head in disbelief myself.

  “I know. I’m so sorry Dominic. I know I had no right to keep her away from you. I just…”

  I cut her off, placing my finger against her soft pink lips. The moon light, spilling in from her window, shining down on her tear stained face.

  I turned myself to face her, with one leg bent, sitting on the bed.

  “What do you want to happen?” I asked her softly.

  “What, is this some sort of game or scare tactic? I promise I won’t keep her from you, just please don’t take her completely away from me. Please… I won’t be able to survive it, Ava is my entire world.” Ivy pleaded, looking so desperate.

  I shook my head. “I promise I won’t take her from you. You are an excellent mother to Ava. Do you want Ava to know about me? Or am I still working that “important” job that has kept me away from her for her entire life?” He asked, looking sad.

  We stared at each other for a few minutes. Neither of us seemed to know what to say or do at this point. “I wish you would of told me about Ava.” I admitted. “I mean, I would have dropped anything for you both.”

  “I know. That’s why I didn’t.” She said softly.

  “Damn Ivy, I can’t believe everything that happened today. It’s so much to take in.” I explained, feeling my emotions were all over the place like some road kill on the highway.

  “I know. I am very sorry.” Ivy whispered.

  “I looked through that book of Ava’s life a little. I didn’t really get too far yet. But I read the letter you had for Ava.” I confessed.

  Ivy nodded. “I understand. I won’t keep anything from you regarding Ava any longer.”

  “Did you really record Ava’s birth?” I asked her, not realizing my voice came out a bit higher than I expected.

  “I recorded everything for you. I could only imagine, if it were the other way around. To have the thought of missing Ava’s entire life up until now, I just can’t bear the thought.” Ivy said shaking her head in disbelief of her own actions…

  “Can I see her birth if you don’t mind?” I asked.

  “Of course, let me go get it set up for you. I will have it ready for you in a couple minutes.” Ivy explained as she crawled out of bed, padding over towards the door, she turned around

  “I hope you can forgive me some day. I swear I didn’t keep you away from you to punish you or anything like that.” She said as she looked back down and turned around. Not waiting for my reply, Ivy walk out, closing the door behind her.

  I walked towards the living room a couple minutes later and seen Ivy loading the DVD player and handing me the other DVD’s.

  “If there is anything you need, please let me know. I will let you have some privacy.” Ivy said and turned to leave.

  I reached out and grabbed her wrist. “Please stay and watch this with me. It will make me feel like I was more there.” I said to Ivy, looking down at my hand that I was now making small circles on her inside wrist with my thumb.

  “Ok.” Ivy said barely in a whisper.

  We both sat down on the couch, and Ivy began the DVD.

  “Ok, is it on?” Ivy said to the camera, making me chuckle.

  Ivy smiled in the camera. “Ok, I am only recording this so that Dominic can see this someday if he wishes. This is NOT going to be movie night Craig!” Ivy yelled at the camera, letting me know he was recording the birth. Thank God he is gay.

  Ivy had contractions. She was hooked up to a monitor that told her when her next contraction was coming. Craig teased her, making sure she knew when another was coming. This of course made Ivy, not a happy camper.

  “Umph! Holy Hell woman, what was that for? That really hurt.” Craig said as the picture came back in focus.

  “Seriously? You are going to tell me throwing a remote control at your head hurt when I am having contractions in preparation to give birth the natural way? Are you that much of a little girl?” Ivy screamed. I laughed.

  “Listen to me Ivy, you are just hormonal. Relax.” Craig said.

  “Umph! IVY, cut it out!!!” Craig yelled. “Why do you have to throw the hardest things at my head?” He asked, as he hissed.

  “It was just a hair brush. Don’t get your panties in a bunch.” Ivy yelled and then another contraction began.

  The doctor came in and checked her. “Yep, you are ready to go Ivy. Are you ready? He asked. After which she yelled, “Who the hell is ever ready for this Dr.?”

  Ivy was panting, sweating and swearing. She nodded. “NO DRUGS! I don’t care what I say. I don’t want to risk Ava’s life.” Ivy yelled.

  Ivy’s mom came into focus, and she was there as Ivy’s coach. She tried to sooth Ivy, and cheered her on. That lasted about 3 minutes. After that, Ivy threatened to have them both removed if either of them tried to “soothe” her anymore.

  Of course, that didn’t really happen. After a few more minutes they were back at all the fussing and Ivy didn’t argue.

  As soon as the doctor yelled Ava was coming, Ivy looked straight in the camera and cried. “I’m so sorry Dominic.”

  Right at that moment, I grabbed Ivy’s hand from her lap. Without a chance to think, I began to speak to her like I was there with her. I gently rubbed her hand as my eyes were fixated on the TV. Watching this miracle happen, I leaned down and kissed her hand, telling Ivy she was doing so good. Well, I was whispering my words of encouragement to the Ivy on the TV I was watching.

  “It’s a GIRL!” The doctor yelled, and right after that, Ava was screaming like a little terror. The doctor then immediately cleaned off Ava as much as possible before placing her directly on Ivy’s chest, still with the umbilical cord attached.

  The picture zoomed in to the baby first, Ivy’s face and hands, protectively hovering over her as Ivy cried. Then the umbilical cord came back into focus.

  “I’m just standing in for you Dominic. That’s all.” I heard Craig say as I watched his hand cutting the cord for me.

  After that the nurse quickly took her to clean her off, and wrapped Ava up, once again bringing Ava over to her mommy.

  The nurse laid Ava in Ivy’s arms and Ava was sleeping already and Ivy was crying and kissing Ava. Seeing all of this I found I had tears running down my face. I chuckled.

  I quickly turned to Ivy, picking her up I plopped her in my lap.

  “Thank you so this, thank you so much for taping this for me. Thank you for taking such great care of our
daughter. Thank you for having her and loving her.” I told her as I held her face, cupped in my hands. “I am so mad at you right now, but I am so proud of you too.”

  Ivy’s face had a constant stream of tears falling from her eyes at this point. True, I felt terrible to see her cry. But I was just so hurt. I sucked in a deep breath and let it out, leaning my forehead against hers.

  “Would you mind if I stayed with you when you tell Ava in the morning? After I see she is ok, I will get out of your hair and let you have the entire day with her. After tomorrow, we can schedule times and days you want her with you versus me. I will get you a copy of the birth certificate for my lawyers to draw up the papers to have her last name changed if you want. Or if you want a paternity test done first, incase you think I am after something, I would gladly agree to whatever you want to do.” Ivy spewed out from her mouth in less than I believe a minute and in one breath. I am sure because she was nervous.

  “I would love to have her change her name for one. Two, I don’t need a test, I completely believe you. Three, you don’t need to leave tomorrow. You have had her, her entire life, you can’t just plop her in my lap by myself. What if she cries or I don’t know does she still wear diapers. What about food? Regular food or baby food? No, you are in this with me.” I explained, while for the first time since we began this discussion, Ivy busted out with a laugh that brought back all my wonderful memories of us together.

  “Ok, I would love to spend the day with you both. She won’t cry. Unless they are happy tears. She hasn’t been in diapers since she was 18 months old. She eats normal food, I try to make sure she eats at least 3 fruit servings a day and 3 veggies a day. And French fries are not a veggie.” Ivy warns me with a glare. I laugh of course.

  “I have a couple days off, can we take her to see my parents?” I ask her, praying silently she doesn’t get upset.

  “Dominic, I don’t expect to have you or your family welcome me back with open arms. I just want to know, without a doubt you are in her life for good if you want to go forward with this. I mean I don’t want to get Ava’s hopes up only to help her with a broken heart.” I try to explain without insult.