The Blue Collar Bachelors Box Set: The Complete Blue Collar Bachelors Series
Page 102
I roar. “You can’t let him get away with this! What will the people think? How is the country supposed to respect the monarchy when we let him off the hook for such an egregious act? And based solely on the fact that he’s your son?”
The nurse looks away uncomfortably. The butler standing next to her shuffles on his feet. Ideally, I’d be having this conversation with my grandmother in private but with the things that have been happening around here lately, I think it’s for both of our protection that we have witnesses present. With the current state of affairs, these fiercely loyal guards and servants wouldn’t leave their Queen even if I ordered them to.
She sits up just a bit, her weight propped up by her knobby elbow. “I don’t recall you complaining about betraying the nation’s trust when I was busy burying the sins you committed.”
Ouch! The old lady is extremely handy at slinging insults, aiming them right where it hurts. But when she sees the wince in my expression, she instantly regrets her words.
“I should not have brought that up,” she says remorsefully. “Forgive me.”
Even after eleven years, the wound is still raw and sore. For both of us.
Still, I try to act unaffected, to pretend that I’ve parted ways with the guilt and the regret over what I did.
I stand from my seat and press a kiss to her cold cheek before turning for the door. “We’ll finish this chat later, yeah? You need your rest.”
“We have lots to talk about, Xavier,” she says insistently. “Now. It can’t wait.”
“Grandmum, you need to build your strength back. I’m sure you’re eager to get back to your official duties.”
She frets. “Where was all that damn concern when you took off in the middle of the night and left for America without uttering a word to a soul?” Even in her state, she’s still feisty as hell.
I roll my eyes. “We both know you’ve had security tailing me since the beginning.”
“That’s irrelevant,” she says in a clipped tone.
“It’s not irrelevant. It was a complete invasion of my privacy,” I counter.
“Oh chap.” She wears a pitying look in her eyes. “You are heir to the throne. You think I'd have you staying in some dinky unsecured location in some backwoods American town without protection? So you could be kidnapped and held for ransom? Privacy is for commoners. You are on the cusp of becoming king.”
A boulder of discomfort settles on my chest at that proclamation. “No,” I say carefully. “I am Crown Prince. You are the Queen. You have at least a dozen or so good years left in you.” I swallow hard, my mind shrouded in bitter denial. “I’m not on the cusp of becoming anything.” Try as I might, I can’t manage to force the air of panic out of my tone.
She shakes her head ruefully. “With the state of my health, there’s no way I can continue to fulfill my duties. I have to abdicate the throne.”
A truckload of boulders tumble in on top of the one already crushing my lungs. “No, you can’t abdicate.”
Her eyelids flutter with impatience. “At this point, it’s not a choice, Xavier.”
Now, I’m the one shaking my head as disbelief rattles me. “I—I’m not ready.” I begin pacing at the foot of her bed. I ran from this kingdom because my duties as second in line were too heavy. And now this? The ultimate rise to power? Becoming King? It’s the last thing I want right now.
The Queen sighs wearily. “Then, make yourself ready. Quickly. There isn’t much time.”
I stop pacing. I glare at her, lifting my voice in anger. "I'm on the brink of a goddamned identity crisis, Your Majesty."
Her voice is harsh and cold. "This country is on the brink of a constitutional crisis. Will you be a leader and put your people first or will you be a common boy thinking only of yourself?"
The room falls deafeningly still. The only sound to be heard is the sound of water crashing in the stone fountains in the courtyard below. I press my eyes shut and collapse back onto my stool. “Fuck…”
The Queen breaks out into another coughing fit and her nurse is right there, adjusting her pillows and feeding her more water through the straw.
When the wave passes, her eyes meet mine again. “I know this isn’t what you want to hear, chap. But this isn’t just about you. It’s about a nation. About the future of Ridgeland. Your people need you.”
Her words call out to me, each syllable hitting home. I have to do this even though I’m scared as hell.
Her voice softens and for a moment, she’s not the Queen, the most powerful person in the country. She’s my grandmother, sweet and caring. “You are ready. You just won’t let yourself acknowledge it.” A soft breath flutters from her mouth. “You don't see yourself as you are, chap. You never quite have. It's your mum's fault. The way she ran for the hills the minute you were born. And your father—he's my son but he was never worth the paper his name was written on. But the trouble was always with them, your parents. Not with you. I wish there was a way to make you understand."
I drag a palm down my tight forehead. “You rest,” I tell her, giving her cold hand a tender squeeze. “I’ll leave you now.” With a knot in my belly, I move toward the exit.
“Wait!” she calls, her weak, clammy grip tightening slightly on my hand. I watch her. “We have to talk about Lady Yolanda.”
Defensiveness prickles at the back of my neck and my shoulders. “What about her?” I ask cautiously. Sadie’s beautiful face flashes before my mind. Her warm smile. Her caramel eyes. That cascade of long chestnut hair.
My grandmother’s eyes narrow, like she knows I’m going to hate every word that’s about to pour from her lips but she plans on saying them anyway. “Every king needs a queen, Xavier…”
With those sharply-delivered words, the Queen snaps the last thread of hope I’d been holding onto, the irrational optimism that maybe I could somehow have Sadie and fulfill my duty to my country, too.
I spin toward the door so fast that I knock over my stool with a loud smack. I don’t bother picking it up. My mind grows frantic as I burst out into the corridor. I stomp away from the Queen’s quarters under the judgmental glare of all the bastards who came before me.
Chapter Thirty-Six
Sadie
“And this is a picture of me and Harold at the Ridgeland Port Tower.”
Ethel slips me a picture of Xavier’s security man with his arms thrust out in front of him and his panicked eyes slanted at her face as she leans over the edge of an iron railing to snag the selfie. He looks terrified that the old lady is about to slip from the tower. He’s poised to jump after her even if it means they’d both end up a pile of mulch on the streets of the city spread out beneath them.
I pass the picture off to Natalie who’s seated on the couch beside me. Her eyes fix on Harold's face. "Jeez—he's huge. Weren't you intimidated?"
Ethel grins slyly. "Don't mind the wide shoulders and the massive arms and the robotic stare. The man is a big teddy bear...if you push the right buttons. If you know what I mean."
No, Ethel. I do not know what you mean. Nor do I want to know what you mean.
Natalie and I exchange a look.
Yes, eight days after Xavier’s departure, my landlady is back from Ridgeland with a forced European accent and suitcase full of memories. Memories she’s determined to share with me. The minute she landed, she was at my door, more sociable than ever.
“This is a picture from the Wessler Abbey Oyster Fest. It took some convincing but I managed to get Harold to enjoy a few oysters with me. It was a very sensual experience. The way that man sucked on that slick flesh, I couldn’t help but imagine it was me and him, spread out in—”
Change the conversation! Quick!
“So what do you think of the renovations?” Natalie chirps. "Xavier did most of it himself.”
And just hearing his name makes my heart clench painfully.
Dammit. I hate myself for missing him so much. Everything reminds me of him. When I close my eyes, I see his s
mile. When I crawl beneath my sheets, the scent of his skin overwhelms me.
We never had a title. There was never anything official between us, but it was real. Every kiss left a stamp on my heart. Every word he said is tattooed on my brain.
I don't know how I'm supposed to get over him.
The landlady’s eyes bounce around the room as if she’s only just noticing all the upgrades. “It’s pretty,” she says uninterestedly. “Just make sure to keep an eye out for your rental increase notice, Sadie. These new hardwood floor planks don’t pay for themselves.”
“We’ll see about that rental increase,” I grumble under my breath.
“Oh, speaking of Xavier…I almost forgot!” Ethel bends suddenly and scoops up her handbag sitting at her feet. She straightens a moment later with a crumpled envelope in her hands. She stretches it out to me. I freeze. My heart picks up the pace and my fingers shake when I see my name written in Xavier’s scribbly cursive on the envelope. “Prince Hottie made me swear on my life to give this letter to you.” She hauls up her bag and heads for the front door.
My fingers clench on the piece of paper like a lifeline. I stand suddenly. “Uh, I’ve got to go, uh…”
Nat looks as anxious as I do to discover the contents of the letter. “I’ll come with you,” she offers seeing how fragile I probably look in this moment.
“No.” I give her a soft smile. “I need to read this on my own. I just…I need a minute.”
She nods in understanding. “Of course. I’ll be right here if you need me.” She gives my forearm a soft squeeze and gets comfortable on the couch. Meanwhile, I slink off to the bedroom and close the door softly behind me.
I sit on the edge of the mattress and take a deep breath. I delicately lift the seal on the back of the envelope and pull the sheet of thick, crisp stationery from the envelope. Closing my eyes, I bring the paper to my nose. If I squeeze my eyes tight enough, I can almost smell the subtle hint of his cologne on the paper. It makes me shiver. After a moment of trying to will my heart to slow down, I break down and unfold the paper. I swallow hard as my eyes move to the words on the sheet.
My Darling Sadie…
Three words in and my eyes are already tickling with tears. How am I going to make it through the three pages in my hand?
I knew that walking away from you would be difficult. But I had no idea it would hurt like this. Every day without you is like pulling myself through hardening cement and it’s most definitely not becoming easier with time.
Anyway, I’m not writing this letter to extol about how much I am suffering without you. I’m writing it just on the off chance that you feel a fraction of the pain I feel. Because the worst part of this all is wondering if I hurt you. Darling, if I did, I need you to understand something. I need you to understand that I’m not the man you have built up in your head. I’ve done unforgivable things. Things I never had the courage to tell you face to face. I was afraid you’d realize what a terrible person I am and that you’d decide to cut me out of your life.
As you can see, I’m a selfish bastard.
My heart thumps because I can’t imagine what it would take for me to stop wanting more of him, all of him.
I hope you’re not in love with me, Sadie. Especially not the way I’m in love with you because I don’t deserve that depth of love. Please don’t waste your heart on me. The last woman who loved me ended up crushed under the weight of my selfishness and bad decisions.
Charlene was sweet and kind and she gave me more trust than I ever deserved. I should have never touched her. I shouldn’t have encouraged her to fall for me. I should have stayed away. But she was my best friend’s sister and she came around even though she would have been better off keeping her distance.
My stomach trembles as I try to anticipate what he’ll say next.
It was a cold, snowy February night that changed everything.
The three of us snuck off to a party at a cabin near the coast, about two hours away from the palace. It was a wild one with lots of drinking and craziness. I was too drunk to even make it to the car without skidding halfway down the driveway on my arse. But I insisted I was okay to drive. Charlene was hesitant, I could tell. But she trusted me. So much. Meanwhile, her brother Stan was pretty much in a walking coma. I couldn’t tell whether the bloke was coming or going. So the three of us piled into the car with me at the wheel.
We didn’t get that far before I started veering off the road. Charlene freaked out. I think it was the one time in her life she actually stood up to me. She was yelling at me from the backseat, insisting that I pull over so she could drive. I was so fucked up that it didn’t even occur to me that she was even less capable of handling the road conditions than I was. Yes, she was sober but she wasn’t a skilled driver. She only had her learner’s permit. The roads were way too slippery. She did her best to get us back safely. But she didn’t make it.
My lungs contract painfully when I read that.
Literally, right outside of the palace’s gates, she skidded off the road with her brother sleeping soundly in the front passenger’s seat. She wrapped the car around the trunk of a carob tree. She died instantly. Her brother lost all use of his legs. Meanwhile, I was safe and sound in the backseat. Not even a scratch on me. I ruined two young, innocent lives…and I came away without a scratch.
I can’t even begin to describe the guilt I felt, Sadie. I wanted someone to hurt me. To toss me under the jail and never let me out. But of course, you don’t always get what you want. Even when you’re heir to the throne.
Now tears are running down my face, dripping onto my chest.
The Palace swept the whole thing under the rug. Non-disclosure agreements were drawn up and forced upon the grieving family. Employees who witnessed the crash were threatened into silence. So were the medical workers who came to our aid. My friends were ruined and I was shielded from facing any sort of responsibility at all.
It’s been eating at me, Sadie. I watered my pain with alcohol for far too long. Until I met you. And being near you made me want to change, to be better. I thank you for that but I also want to be sure that you move on, that you forget about me, that you find a man who’s good and who truly loves you in all the ways I wish I could. You deserve nothing less than that, darling.
I’m blubbering into the hem of my T-shirt, trying to control my sobs so Nat doesn’t come bursting into the room to check on me.
Now, I’m going to be King. I’m going to serve my country and find all the ways I can to atone for my sins. And, I’m going to keep the memory of you with me for the rest of my life. This is goodbye, my love.
I’ll think of you every day,
X.
By the time I’m done reading the letter, I’m in shambles. My heart has been reduced to dust. The enormity of the burden Xavier’s been carrying is so overwhelming. The thought of him facing that guilt alone kills me.
On shaky knees I rise from the bed and go find my best friend sitting patiently in the living room. “Nat…” I whisper between sniffles.
She rises, her eyes full of alarm as she approaches me. “What did it say? What did Xavier’s letter say?”
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Sadie
I force on a smile as best I can right before I step into my father’s hospital room. He has enough to worry about with the current state of his health. I don’t need him worrying about me, too.
Yes, my heart is shattered—for myself, for Xavier—but I can’t put that stress on anyone else. Especially my father.
The past few days have been brutal, though. Discovering the pain that my beautiful Xavier has kept buried inside of him for all these years, it’s killing me. Because he’s wrong. He’s wrong to think that he doesn’t deserve love. What happened to Charlene was an accident. It wasn’t his fault. He shouldn’t have to shoulder that guilt for the rest of his life. He deserves his own forgiveness. I want so badly to tell him that. To put his broken pieces back together. But I can’t.
Shrugging off my melancholy, I grin when my father looks up from the computer on his lap. “Hi dad,” I say as I go over and press a kiss to his bearded cheek.
“Hi Seashell.” His voice is a little scratchy and his face is gaunt like always but aside from that, he looks good. There’s a new light in his eyes. That gives me a glimmer of hope.
“Did you have a good day?” I ask, setting my backpack at my feet and lowering into the chair by his bed.
A nurse comes into the room. She gives me a smile in greeting but generally tries to lay low as she bustles around the room, doing her best not to be a distraction.
Exuberance lights my father’s face at my question. “I had a great day!”
“Do tell,” I say. I’m eager for at least one little piece of good news because lately my life has been one pile of shit on top of another.
“Well for starters, I got some good writing done,” he tells me. “A really powerful love scene. A little spanking. Light on the kink. Because that's what my readership wants, y'know. Very tasteful. Classy."
Oh, god. Why did I even ask?
"Okay, okay, dad. Enough." I hold up my hand to stop him from further traumatizing me.
He laughs and a little cough comes sputtering out, too. "Don't worry. I won't ask you to critique it. I've got a new beta reader.” His eyes catch the nurse’s and he winks. The woman throws me a quick guilty glance and her cheeks turn rose pink.
Are you serious?
I eye her with a lifted brow and she quickly scurries from the room. And now, dad is pissed. “Why’d you do that? Why’d you have to go and scare her away?"