Simon, Doncaster
Three months? If I was passing liquid for three hours I’d be straight down the gastroenterologist’s, begging him to make it stop. Chances are, it was some dodgy lettuce that did it. Let me tell you something: lettuce is fucking deadly if you eat it in the wrong country. I mean, yeah, you think it’s all nice and posh and healthy and whatever, but if you order a salad in parts of Mexico or South America, you might as well order a plate of raw human shit, ’cos that’s what’s in the water that it’s been washed in. I’ve suffered the same fate on more than a few occasions: you cross the border to Mexico, and within a few hours, you’re laid up in hospital, on a drip. But three months is no joke: it could even be more serious than you think. Best to get it checked out again.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
I want to reduce the calories I eat, but how on earth do you go about counting them? I know that everything you buy in the supermarket has those little stickers on them now, but does anyone seriously measure out every single portion—and what about food you eat in restaurants, or that other people cook for you? How can you keep track of if all without basically dedicating your entire life to it?
Brian, Castle Bromwich
It’s a total waste of time, counting calories. For example, I looked at a packet of cereal the other, and it said on the side, “one bowl, 230 calories.” But how big’s the bowl? For all I know, it could be the size of an ashtray or a swimming pool. A better strategy is just to cut your portions down. Buy smaller plates, for a start. Seriously. Here in America, they give you enough food in one sandwich to feed the North Korean Army for a month. It’s only when you put it on a normal-sized plate that you realise what a pig you’re being. Exercise also makes a really big difference, even if it’s just a 20-minute walk every day. Do both of those things, and you’ll never have to count calories again.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
What’s the best way to treat a burned mouth? I love food, so there’s nothing worse than getting over-enthusiastic about a piping hot meal, only to destroy my taste buds for a week.
Sam, Warwick
I’ve done that with a hot french fry before, and it’s horrible. It’s even worse when you get it stuck halfway down your wind pipe, then everything else you eat for the next month tastes like sulphuric fucking acid. You’ve gotta slow down, man. In England, we eat food like it could jump up and do the 100-yard sprint at any second. Alternatively, you could eat all your meals at a restaurant with lazy waiters, so the food’s always lukewarm.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
Why are people so worried about the mercury in tuna fish? I read the other day that Abraham Lincoln used to take mercury-laced pills to treat his constipation, and he was in good enough health to lead America (until he was shot, of course).
Percy, Cardiff
The only time I’d get worried about the mercury in tuna fish is if I ate a whole one. Otherwise, I can’t see how a bit of sushi every now and then is a problem. Having said that, a friend of my daughter’s recently got mercury poisoning, and it was heavy duty, man: she had memory loss, slurred speech, crazy mood swings, loss of co-ordination… basically, she ended up feeling how I did during most of the 1980s. As for good old Abe Lincoln, it’s never a very good idea to say, “Oh, so-and-so survived putting leeches on his eyeballs, so therefore it must be okay.” I mean, they used to add pure heroin to cough mixture. If they still did that today, I’d be off sick with a cold 365 days a year.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
People keep telling me how great yoga is—especially when it comes to stress—but I can’t stand the thought of all that chanting and hippy-dippy bullshit. Have you ever tried it?
Sam, Beaconsfield
You’ve got totally the wrong idea. Doing yoga ain’t like being a Buddhist monk. Or at least it doesn’t have to be. It’s basically stretching exercises—and you’d be amazed at the results you can get. I used to have this makeup artist, and she went on leave to have a baby, then I saw her a year later after doing a lot of yoga, and she looked amazing, all slim and tight and healthy. You’d never have believed she’d pushed one out just a few months before. I’ve actually just decided to do a course of Pilates for that very same reason. I’m not out of shape, but I want to avoid getting a big old gut on me. My only fear with these stretching-based things is that I won’t have the patience. Generally speaking, if I haven’t worked up a sweat in the first three seconds, I’m off. So we’ll see. In the meantime, why don’t you take a leaf out of my book, and at least try it.
DR. OZZY’S INSANE-BUT-TRUE-STORIES—
When Exercise Is Bad for You
Next time you’re in the gym, watch out for blokes with exploding balls—exercise balls, that is. One guy in Florida sued after the one he was leaning on (while holding two dumbbells) went pop, sending him crashing to the floor. He needed five surgeries, allegedly.
No-one knew you could get high from endorphins until a guy called Jim Fixx came along in the 1970s. He was basically a fat bloke who smoked two packs a day until he started jogging—then he lost his flab, quit tobacco, and turned himself into the world’s first ever fitness guru. Trouble was, he dropped dead at 52. While on a run.
Scientists reckon the chance of ending up like Fixx—ie, croaking it while exercising—is roughly one in 15,000 to 18,000 every year.* People who work out the most have a higher risk than those who do it least. Being fat ain’t much of an alternative, though: obesity is a far more common preventable cause of death.
During the 1956 FA Cup Final, the goalie for Man City, Bert Trautmann, managed to break his neck after diving for the ball one too many times. There were still 17 minutes to go, though, so the crazy fucker kept on playing—even making a few more heroic saves that let Man City take home the cup. In fact, the guy didn’t even bother getting an X-ray until three days later, when he finally realised his head was about to fall off. He made a full recovery, and the last I heard, he’s still alive and well.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
I keep hearing that humans need to drink eight glasses of water a day. This is surely bullshit, yes?
Billy, Leicester
I tried drinking eight classes of water a day for a while, and my bladder felt like a red-hot fucking cannon ball. I need to pee a lot as it is—but if I’m knocking back eight glasses of water, I might as well just live in the can, the amount of time I’ll end up spending in there. My advice is this: if you eat a lot of fruit and vegetables, you’ll get some water from your food. On the top of that, drink as much as you need to stop being thirsty—which means if you lose water from exercise, you’ll be thirstier, and need to drink a bit more. That’s what animals do to survive when they’re in the wild. We ain’t any different.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
I’ve become addicted to counting calories: I have a sensor in my shoes that sends a “calorie burn readout” to my iPhone; I input everything I eat into a calorie counting website; and I try to estimate how many calories I burn up doing everything else (including typing this). I’m losing weight, but going insane. Advice?
William, Berkshire
I remember seeing an interview with Bob Dylan after he wrote his memoirs, and he said, “While you’re writing, you ain’t living.” The same goes for counting calories—which I’ve tried to do on many occasions. The bottom line is, every hour you spend jotting down every last cornflake or baked bean you ate during the day is an hour you could have spent with your family or friends. Either that, or you could be using the time to learn something, like a new language. I mean, okay, yeah, you’d still be fat. But at least you’d be fat and able to order your double-cheeseburgers in Slovakian.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
I haven’t been able to “go” for ten days, and I’m starting to get really worried. Nothing seems able to unclog me.
Barry, Aberdeen
I’d recommend a strong cup of coffee, but it sounds more like you need a stick of dynamite. Prunes can also be effective, if you can stand the taste. Personally, if I’m sufferi
ng from a spot of constipation, I’ll ask the missus for some of her “special pills.” All women seem to have a stash of these things somewhere: they come in a pink box with flowers on the outside. Just be careful: I once took a handful of ’em, thinking they’d never work—nothing else did—but boy, was I wrong. Two minutes later, I was unloading about ten Christmas dinners out of my rear end. It went on for days, to the point I couldn’t even work out where all the stuff was coming from. It was like the laws of physics didn’t apply. So I suggest trying to get hold of the same stuff. Just go easy with it.
Dear Dr. Ozzy,
I love lattes, but just one medium cup gives me a headache and makes my heart race. Is this normal?
Anne, Tyneside
I learned the answer to this question when I got my DNA downloaded onto a computer chip in 2010: we all metabolise caffeine at different speeds, based on the way our genes work. Personally, I feel like my head’s about to blast off to Mars after one sip of espresso, and now I know why: my body can’t process it. It sounds as though you’re built the same way. Unfortunately, there’s only one thing you can do: switch to another drink. Trying to beat your own genes is a game you’re only ever gonna lose.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
How much vitamin C is healthy? I’m taking 4,000mgs a day in the hope of avoiding a cold.
Meredith, Surrey
I might be wrong, but I’m pretty sure your body can only store so much vitamin C: the rest just passes right through you. So even if you take 5 million units or whatever, it won’t do much good. The sad fact is, if you’re gonna get the flu… you’re gonna get the flu.
Dear Dr. Ozzy,
Every time I drink milk I get the most horrific eggy flatulence you’ve ever had the misfortune to smell. I can clear out entire restaurants with it. Does this mean I’m “lactose intolerant,” or is that just some bullshit that Hollywood-types have invented?
Glen, London
It ain’t bullshit. I’ve got a friend who literally turns green when she drinks milk. Try switching to soy milk for a week, then wait ’til a good old rumbler comes down the pipe, and let it loose in a confined area. If everyone’s still conscious after five minutes, problem solved.
Dear Dr. Ozzy,
During important meetings, my stomach growls loud enough for everyone in the room to hear. It happens even after I’ve eaten a good breakfast. Please help—it’s terribly awkward.
Terry, Belfast
Nerves. I guarantee it. It might even be a symptom of IBS (irritable bowel syndrome). At least you’re not breaking wind, though: that’s really embarrassing. Trust me. Especially when it sends a stale breeze through the room. That’s the thing with the human brain: when it’s stressed out, it’ll find all kinds of ways to mess with you, from making you feel like you need to pee all the time, to bringing you out in a rash. Which is horrible, really, ’cos those are the kind of things that just make the original problem worse. The good news is that there are all kinds of potions you can take to help calm you down, including a special kind of beta blocker, which they use for stage fright.
Ask your GP about it.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
I’ve joined a cycling club to get fit, and a lot of my fellow members—all men—have told me that I should shave my legs to become “more aerodynamic.” Isn’t this a bit weird? I mean, how much more aerodynamic can you possibly get by removing a few leg hairs?
Jim, Exeter
Unless they start asking you to wear ladies’ knickers, I wouldn’t worry about it. Also, from what I understand, the shaving ain’t just about aerodynamics—it also makes it a lot easier to treat an injury on your leg if you fall off, which happens a lot if you compete in heavy-duty road races.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
Whenever I eat, or have a “number two,” my nose runs continually. I’m not joking—it’s driving me bananas. What can I do about this (other than buying shares in Kleenex)?
Jacky (No address given)
PS: I’m not allergic to anything that I know of.
All kinds of crazy things can make your nose run because of the way your ears, nose and throat are all linked together. Personally, I get bunged up all the time ’cos of everything from dust mites to dodgy smells, so you might want to investigate allergies a bit more. Washing out your sinuses regularly with saline spray might help, although if you do it wrong, it feels like you’re being fucking waterboarded. You could also be reacting to the temperature of the food you’re eating, or how spicy it is. I mean, if ate a lamb vindaloo every day, my nose would run, too. Again, nasal sprays might help. So might antihistamines, if your doc approves. As for the “number twos”—that’s pretty far-out, man. Maybe the sensation of pushing is triggering the same thing as the food? Ask your GP if he can send you to an ear, nose, and throat guy for a consultation.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
Every so often, I get these nasty little bumps on my tongue which ruin my sense of taste. Please help.
Saeed, Leeds
By the sound of your question, this has happened to you a number times, and the bump has come and gone without making your tongue fall out or your head explode. So why are you worrying? Having said that, if it were me and something weird puffed up somewhere, I’d be straight down the doc to get it checked out. Given that you’ve gone to the trouble of writing in, it’s obviously bothering you, so you should do the same.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
Is it true that eating a big meal late at night makes you fatter than if you ate the same meal for lunch?
Dolly, Hereford
It depends. I mean, if you’re a competitive eater who can shove 98 cream pies down her throat in four minutes, then I somehow don’t think you’d put on less weight if you ate ’em for breakfast instead of dinner. On the other hand, if you have a normal diet, it seems logical that it’s better to eat as early as you can—not only so your body has a chance to metabolise, but also to prevent acid reflux syndrome. The trouble is, if I don’t have a good meal at night, I can’t sleep, especially after a two-hour gig. So I’ll end up having a salad, then five minutes later, ordering a pizza. That’s why I’ve gotta watch myself on the road, ’cos I wanna be the Prince of Darkness, not the Prince of Fatness.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
My husband wants to take me to a sushi restaurant for the first time. Aside from radiation fears (the fish isn’t from Japan), is there anything I should avoid for health reasons, or is all the stuff I’ve heard about the danger of raw fish overblown?
Zara, Durham
The thing to remember about sushi—Western-style sushi, anyway—is that it ain’t like the smelly old haddock you used to get from the fishmonger when you were little. From what I understand, sushi-grade fish is bled, gutted and packed in ice very, very quickly—and is usually frozen long enough to kill any of the parasites that might cause you any problems. Having said that, I’d avoid Fugu (“river pig”) if it’s on the menu (see here).
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
I need to lose weight fast for a wedding—are diet pills a good idea?
Ben, Stevenage
Up to you—as long as you bear in mind that some of those pills come with pretty weird-sounding side-effects, like “gas with oily spotting.” You don’t want to break wind during the best man’s speech and feel like the Deepwater Horizon just sprang a leak in your underwear.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
I’ve just read about an 82-year-old man in India—his name is Prahlad Jani—who claims not to have eaten a single thing since 1942, because he draws nourishment from meditation. (He hasn’t drank anything, either, allegedly.) Could this be possible, given that the longest-ever hunger strike went on for just 74 days?
Derek, Peebles
I don’t know, but I’m gonna get my assistant on the phone ASAP and send this guy a curry—he must be starving. Actually, the whole thing seems pretty fishy to me. I mean, there’s no way I could meditate or go without a hot dinner for that long. I’m ready to throw a brick at someone after sitting cross
-legged for 69 seconds, never mind 69 years.
Dr. Ozzy’s Trivia Quiz: Health Nut
Find the answers—and your score— here
1. If you ate one tablespoon each of these foods, which would slam you with the most calories?
a) Goose fat
b) Ghee (clarified butter, used in curries)
c) Unsalted butter
2. Farting less often is easy if you…
a) Swallow less air
b) Drink more water
c) Cut down on beans, sugar-free chewing gum… and pears
3. Speaking of unwanted trouser explosions… how many times does the average person let rip every day?
a) 14 times (1–4 pints of gas)
b) Twice (half a pint of gas)
c) 27 times (8–12 pints of gas)
4. What causes “heavy leg syndrome”?
a) Involvement with the Mafia
b) Exercising too much
c) Not enough blood circulation
5. How old was the fitness guru/muscleman Jack LaLanne when he died?
a) 41
b) 96
c) 73
CHAPTER NOTES: FITNESS METHODS
TYPE OF EXERCISE Running Swimming Cycling Weight-Lifting Yoga
HANDY TIP Start your workout close to something that might kill you. You’ll run faster. Some holiday resorts have bars in their pools. If you like cross-dressing, this is the best excuse you’ll ever get for shaving your legs. You can get paid to do this… by becoming a professional bag carrier. Find the best-looking woman in the class and stand behind her. It’ll cheer you up to no end.
DANGERS & ANNOYANCES The thing that might kill you… might kill you. Also beware of ball chafing, heart attacks. Some pools with bars have yellow fucking water. Also beware of sharks, rip-tides, overly tight swim trunks. Saying, “But darling, it’s for aerodynamic reasons” ain’t gonna fly if you’re also wearing fishnets and a bra. Looking like a weight-lifter. Bulges can be spotted easily through Lycra.
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