OZZY’S AMAZING MEDICAL MISCELLANY
Up, Up and Away
Back in the 1880s, an American doc called William Halsted realised that if you shot yourself up with cocaine, it worked like an anaesthetic. Unfortunately it also makes you a raging fucking coke-head—which is why you don’t get to snort a line before having your appendix out. The guy ended up trying to cure his own habit with morphine… which just made him a coke head and a smack-head.
Sigmund Freud recommended cocaine as a treatment for depression, alcoholism, morphine addiction… and just about anything else he could think of. Mind you, coke was all the rage back then. You could even get bottles of “cocaine wine”—one of the greatest inventions in the history of Mankind. The drink was taken off the market in 1886, though, ’cos of prohibition. So they replaced it with a non-alcoholic version… called “Coca-Cola.” Six years later, the cocaine was taken out, too.
During World War II, soldiers on all sides were speeding their balls off half the time—until generals realised that there’s no point being able to march 300 miles in five minutes if you spend the next week bugging the fuck out from paranoia. If you believe some reports, even Hitler was taking methamphetamine eight times a day.
Speaking of meth, it’s gotta be one of the scariest fucking “uppers” of all time—even though in the 1940s, it was approved as a treatment for everything from hay fever to narcolepsy. One of the worst side-effects is “meth mouth,” which causes your teeth to turn black and fall out. To make the stuff, meanwhile, labs use everything from brake cleaner to laptop batteries, fertilizer, cat litter and road flares. It ain’t exactly “organic,” put it that way.
Dr. Dr. Ozzy:
Are energy drinks mixed with booze a safer (and legal) alternative to cocaine?
Lizzy, London
Good question, but I don’t know the answer, ’cos whenever I drank energy drinks with booze, I was on cocaine, too. As an addict, it’s all the fucking same. Y’know, if people like messing themselves up, fine—but it didn’t end well for me. One thing I will say is that when addicts give up the booze and drugs, caffeine is often the only thing left for them to take. I’ve heard of people mixing Diet Coke and Red Bull and topping up their glass throughout the day. You see those same guys at AA meetings, huddled around the coffee machine, twitching. It’s sad, man. But the most unnatural thing for any addict is to not be getting high. Anything will do. I suppose I’m lucky that I’ve got music to take my mind off things. And my family, and my 17 precious dogs… and my English tea.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
How did you manage to quit smoking? I’ve tried everything: patches, gum, cold turkey, and pills, but it isn’t working for me. It’s driving me insane. Please tell me your secret—and remember, not all of us have the money for fancy doctors!
Greg, USA
It’s simple: you’ve gotta make your mind up. I’d stop, I’d start, I’d stop again, I’d put the patch on, take the patch off, put it on again, smoke with the patch, stop again, try the gum, smoke with the patch and the gum… I even tried hypnosis at one point. I loved smoking. Cigarettes, pipes, cigars—anything. I smoked so much I set my house on fire on more than one occasion. For a while I used to roll my own: I’d make 25 in one go, put them in a box, and smoke ’em through the night. I couldn’t go for a walk without a cigarette, make a call without a cigarette, do anything without a cigarette. Then one day I had a conversation with myself: “Do you really want to stop, Ozzy, or do you want to keep going? You can’t do both, so make a fucking decision.” What swung it for me is the fact that I’m a singer: if I wanted to carry on entertaining people I had to quit. So one day I went home, threw my pack on the fire, and I’ve never smoked since. That was eight years ago. I don’t crave them any more, but every so often I’ll have a twinge. I just let it go, y’know? Because I ain’t under any illusions: if I have just one cigarette now, I’ll have smoked my way through an entire packet by the end of the day.
I: DOWNERS
Dr. Dr. Ozzy:
When I drink too much, the next morning I get a super-sensitive boner. Have you ever heard of this?
Bill, Georgia
No. With the amount I used to put away, I was lucky to even know I had a dick the next morning, never mind a boner. I also had a habit of waking up in jails and hospitals, which doesn’t exactly put you in the mood. The only thing that was super-sensitive was my head.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
I’ve recently been prescribed some medication that says “avoid alcohol,” but both my consultant and my GP say it’s okay to drink “in moderation.” They don’t say what “moderation” is, though. What’s your opinion, as a man with a fair bit of experience?
Henry, Cambridgeshire
Here’s my prescription for you, Henry: a new consultant, and a new GP. I mean, who are these people—witch doctors? If the manufacturer of the drug goes to all the bother of putting a big yellow label on the front which says “AVOID ALOCHOL,” then—here’s a crazy idea—how about avoiding alcohol? It ain’t complicated. Y’know, I can’t believe doctors sometimes. I think the problem is that docs like to knock a few back themselves. I had this one bloke in London, and every time I went into his surgery, the place stank of gin, his nose glowed bright red, and he chained-smoked while he scribbled down his dodgy prescriptions in a little pad. I stopped going to see him in the end. I felt worse coming out of there than I did when I went in.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
My doctor has prescribed Vicodin for a degenerative disc problem in my back, but my physical therapists say I should find an alternative besides narcotics. What do you think?
Bob, Georgia
I was hooked on that shit for a long time. Vicodin and me were made for each other—I love it. Especially Vicodin ES (for Extra Strength). But trust me, when you’re hooked on Vicodin, it’s almost fucking impossible to kick. I was popping 25 a day at one point, and that’s very dangerous, ’cos Vicodin is cut with stuff that can be extremely bad for your liver. Having said that, if you take Vicodin as your doctor prescribes it, you should be okay. If it says “take one every 6 hours” on the bottle, that’s what you’ve got to do. With me, I’d end up taking 6 every one hour, and blame it on my dyslexia. So you need to decide if you trust yourself. Or, if you think you need the meds and you don’t trust yourself, give the bottle to a relative or friend, so it ain’t within easy reach.
DR. OZZY’S AMAZING MEDICAL MISCELLANY
Don’t Get Me Down
Alcohol is basically a downer, even though it can make you do crazy hyperactive shit if you drink enough of it. That’s ’cos it reduces activity in the brain and central nervous system—the same thing that barbiturates, benzodiazepines, and modern sleeping medications like Zolpidem do.
Barbiturates have long been used as “truth serums” by psychiatrists and the military—mainly thanks to an American doc, William Blackwenn, who discovered the benefits of “narcoanalysis” in the 1930s. Meanwhile, the Russians are thought to have a secret truth drug called SP-117 with no taste, no smell, no colour, and no obvious side-effects.
Mixing downers with uppers might seem like a brilliant idea at 11pm on a Saturday night, but the U.S. Food and Drug Administration doesn’t agree: in 2010, it told the makers of Four Loko—nicknamed “blackout in a can”—to stop mixing caffeine and booze. The up/down combination leaves you “wide-awake drunk,” according to some experts, meaning you don’t realise how pissed you’re getting. Irish coffee is still legal, though…
Another downer is chloral hydrate—which became famous when a Chicago bartender, Mickey Finn, was accused of spiking his customer’s drinks with it in 1903 (so he could rob ’em when they passed out). That’s why if you’re drugged in a bar it’s known as being “slipped a Mickey.” I bought some chloral hydrate myself once: it came in little gel caps and worked great on overly aggressive fans.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
To numb pain in my lower back, I’ve been “chipping” with heroin—ie, only doing
it once every few days. But I’m getting scared, because now I’m counting the hours until I can do it again. I’m not stupid: I know what smack can do to people. But I also hate people’s attitudes to it. They’ll skip off to the bathroom for a few lines of cocaine—just as destructive!—yet would be shocked at my smoking heroin (I don’t inject). If you could give me any advice, I would very much appreciate it.
Zadie, Glasgow
This ain’t a good idea. I’ve seen the same thing happen so many times: you start “chipping”; then the smoking becomes more regular; then all of a sudden it’s not enough, and it leads straight to the needle. I’ve lost so many good friends because of that. Also: when you take street heroin—unlike an opiate that’s been prescribed by a doctor—you don’t know what you’re getting, man. I tried street heroin twice in my life, and it made me violently sick. You’ve also got to realise that it takes a lot of special training to administer heavy-duty pain drugs. That’s why hospitals have anaesthesiologists. I know it can be difficult to get pills from a doctor, but if you have a genuine condition, it shouldn’t be a problem. If you’re anything like me, you’re probably using your back pain as an excuse. Either way, find a GP or an addiction clinic—and be honest with ’em. There’s a lot of help out there, and you don’t have much time to lose.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
I’m thinking of giving up booze. Does beer count?
Antony, Bristol
The first rule of alcoholism is that beer doesn’t count. Neither does vodka, wine, cognac, scotch, gin… Unfortunately when you realise you don’t want to be an alcoholic any more, everything counts. That’s why you can’t touch a drop. Anything else is a deal with the devil, and you’ll only ever lose.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
My teenage daughter, who is half-Chinese, suffers from red flushes when she drinks alcohol—a common complaint for her ethnicity. But she says that if she takes a stomach acid tablet just before she goes out, it can be controlled. Is this dangerous, do you think?
Anonymous, Berkshire
So let me get this straight, Mr. Anonymous from Berkshire: you’re worried about the stomach acid tablet… but not the booze? Well, here’s a little secret: I’ve been thrown in jail more times than I can remember; I’ve almost died on a number of other occasions; and I once tried to kill my own wife. None of this happened because of Pepto Bismol.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
I live in Southern California and have been prescribed legal “medical marijuana” (for muscle pain), but it’s making me paranoid. How can I reduce this side-effect—and what do you think of the claimed link between pot and schizophrenia?
Lisa, Los Angeles
When I used to smoke pot, it was happy stuff: you’d get the munchies, have a laugh, and go to sleep. These days, when you have a joint, you end up holding onto your drawers and hoping you don’t go insane. I don’t know about the link with schizophrenia, but I do know that they fuck around with marijuana now, creating all these genetically altered mutant varieties. In the old days, a joint’s THC content—the chemical that gets you high, basically—used to be something like 4 per cent. Today, you hear of it being 20 per cent or even 40 per cent. It’s a bit like walking into a bar one day and being given a Bud Light, and the next being given something likes looks exactly like a Bug Light, and tastes exactly like a Bud Light, but which has the same effect on you as four bottles of vodka. As for reducing your paranoia: back in the 1970s, the way to do it was to have a beer.
It didn’t work, though. It just made you drunk and paranoid.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
In your opinion, which alcoholic beverage delivers the least unpleasant hangover—ie, red wine versus vodka or beer? As the festive season approaches, I’d like to indulge in the seasonal merriment, while making the mornings-after bearable.
Rod, Canterbury
You’re asking me the wrong question. Trying to cure your hangover while you’re still drinking ain’t gonna have a happy ending, no matter what kind of booze you avoid. Alcohol is Alcohol. If you drink enough of it, nothing on the planet can save you. And after the third glass, any rule you’ve made up for yourself before you started to get slaughtered is gonna go straight out of the window. So the only thing you can really do is treat the hangover. Now, over the years, I developed a fail-safe cure for the morning-after. Basically, I’d mix four tablespoons of brandy with four tablespoons of port, throw in some milk, a few separated eggs, and—if I was in a festive mood—some nutmeg. Then I’d mix it up and down it the second I woke up. The way it works is very clever: it gets you instantly blasted again, so you don’t feel a thing. The only problem? Unless you keep drinking, the hangover that eventually catches up with you is about a thousand gazillion times worse than it would have been otherwise.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
I’m a heavy boozer and now I get pains in my side quite often when I drink. I still have my appendix, both kidneys, and of course my liver. Which organ is the problem, do you think?
Kyle, British Columbia
I had the exactly same thing, and it turned out to be a damaged nerve from my kidneys to my liver. It was a big relief, to be honest with you, ’cos I was shitting myself that I had cirrhosis—I’ve lost many a good friend to that disease, and it ain’t a pretty way to go, believe me. If you’re gonna persist in drinking, my advice is to get regular blood tests, to see if your liver and kidneys are still holding up. Even better: quit altogether. I’ll never forget what happened to this guy Mickey I used to know. He was told by his doctor to stop boozing, so he went straight to the pub for his last pint, took one sip, and dropped stone dead, right there at the bar. Whatever you do, don’t end up like him.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
I’m considering using Rohypnol—the “Date Rape Drug”—as a relaxant. Is this wise?
Catherine, Newcastle
I tried it in Germany a few years back. I’d gone to see this guy to buy some sleeping pills, but he was sold out, so he asked if I wanted to try some Rohypnol instead. Now, as it happened, I’d heard all about Rohypnol: the press was going crazy about it at the time, calling it the “date-rape drug,” but I thought it was all bullshit. A drug that could completely paralyse you while you remained fully awake? It seemed too good to be true. So I bought a couple of doses of the stuff and decided to try it out—my own little science experiment. I gulped down the pills with a nip of booze as soon as I got back to my hotel room. Then I waited. “Well, this is a load of bollocks,” I said to myself. Then two minutes later—while I was lying on the edge of the bed, trying to order a movie on the telly with the remote control—it suddenly kicked in. I couldn’t move… but I was wide awake! It was the weirdest feeling, man. The only trouble was that I’d been dangling on the edge of the bed when my muscles seized up, so I ended up sliding to the floor and whacking my head on the coffee table on the way down. It hurt like fuck. I spent five hours trapped between the bed and the radiator, unable to move or talk.
So I can’t say I recommend it.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
I’ve been drinking heavily for a few years now, and find myself turning redder and redder. What can I do?
Jim, Devon
I looked like Rudolph the Alcoholic Reindeer by the end of my drinking days. They say blueberries can help. In my experience, though, not being off your nut 24 hours a day is a safer bet.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
I’m 72 years old and have been taking Temazepam for tinnitus for a number of years (without any side effects), but I’ve decided recently that I’d like to come off the medication. I was going to go “cold turkey,” but your comments about the trouble you had coming off sleeping pills have frightened the living daylights out of me!
What should I do?
Debbie, Lancaster
The most important thing to do is talk to whoever gave you the prescription. Temazepam is a very powerful drug, so don’t listen to the Prince of Darkness (or anyone else) until you’ve had a professional opinion. For what it’s worth, it to
ok me a year and a half to get off the same stuff. You go through hell. The problem is that the drugs make you used to sleeping artificially, so the withdrawal is evil. You have to do it very, very slowly. At 72, if you ain’t having any side-effects, ask yourself if it’s really worth the trouble.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
Is it true that if you drink a pint of milk before going on the booze—to “line your stomach”—you can avoid a hangover?
Gareth, Durham
I used to have a similar hangover cure, but it involved putting booze in the milk. The fact is, everyone who drinks too much has these ridiculous old wives’ tales, but there’s only one medically proven way to avoid a hangover: don’t fucking drink in the first place. If you want to have a pint of milk and a hangover, fine, but don’t kid yourself into thinking a glass of semi-skimmed before a heavy night is gonna do any good. That’s bullshit.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
A friend of mine was hit by a car during his teens, and he’s never been quite the same since. We’ve both now developed a taste for high-strength weed, but I’ve now realised that it makes him crazy and delusional (he says he’s slept with Lady Gaga). He was put in care for a while, but as soon as he got out he went back to the dope. All my friends have tried telling him to stop, but it just makes him violent.
What should I do?
Anonymous
You can’t make anyone do anything—but you can say to your friend, “Look, I’m here if you ever want me help.” What I’ve realised is, there are some who can have one joint every so often and be perfectly happy with that, and there are some who can’t. For me, I started with weed, and ended up on heroin. A lot of people also make the mistake of thinking weed is harmless, but they should ask themselves the question: if you were gonna have open-heart surgery, and you had the choice between a doctor who’d just smoked a couple of joints, and a doctor who was clean, which one would you choose?
Trust Me, I'm Dr Ozzy Page 19