by Amanda Renee
“Erma Jean, give the man a chance to speak.” Her father turned to Trevor. “Keep her calm, will you.”
“As I was saying.” Her oncologist cleared his throat. “You have classic Hodgkin’s lymphoma and it is highly curable because we caught it so early. You’ll receive two cycles of ABVD chemotherapy, which is four treatments over the course of eight weeks, followed by ISRT, or involved site radiation therapy. You should experience fewer side effects with this course of treatment. But, Delta, I cannot stress enough that this is nothing like the last time. It’s going to be difficult at times, but we will get you through this.”
She wanted to cry foul. She wanted to scream. She wanted to punch something. It was bad enough to go through it once, but twice made her want to throw up her hands, look skyward and say, “What gives?” She’d never been the why me type of person. But twice?
And she knew—she knew other people battled far worse many more times than she had. They would be envious of her diagnosis. It was treatable. That alone made her feel guilty. She was entitled to the anger. If she held on to it, she wouldn’t cry.
She wanted her pre-cancer life back. She wanted her home and her husband and the kids they had planned to have. Cancer had robbed her of that future and it had robbed Garrett of his. He was right. Cancer was selfish. How could she have even thought about getting involved with Garrett and his children. They all deserved better. It was hard enough battling cancer for yourself. It was harder when your loved ones watched you suffer through it, and you saw their pain every time they looked at you. She loved her mother, but it was easier when her mother wasn’t by her side. Erma Jean wasn’t strong enough. And Delta was tired of being strong for everybody else.
Trevor gently squeezed her shoulders from behind. She took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. The initial shock was out of her system. She wouldn’t complain, no matter how much that pained her. Cancer sucked.
“When do I start chemotherapy?”
“Considering your history, tomorrow. Unlike last time, you will not have to return the following day to receive a chemo shot. We’re using an on-body injector that will adhere to your skin and automatically administer the shot the following day so you can go home, go about your routine as much as you can. Your side effects may not be as great this time. They may be completely different.”
“Will she lose her hair again?” her mother asked.
“It varies from person to person. This is lower-dose chemotherapy, so she may not lose all of it.”
“That will be attractive.” Delta attempted some levity.
This time she wouldn’t allow cancer to take her hair. She would take it. This time she would wield the power. It was on her terms. She rubbed her forehead. She needed to hire help, an apprentice at least to help her on the days she couldn’t do her job. She couldn’t run a business throwing up every five minutes. She hoped the doctor was right and the side effects were less, but she had to prepare for the worst.
She also had to keep this to herself. She trusted Maddie and Liv, along with her family. If her customers found out she had cancer, she’d lose their business. Some of them already treated her differently because she was a woman. She couldn’t afford any more losses. And she couldn’t lose her biggest client. Knowing Garrett, he would coddle her and insist on hiring another farrier. No. Cancer would not take her life away again.
“Okay. So, uh, I guess I’ll be here tomorrow to uh, do this one more time.”
Delta rose from her chair, willing her legs to support her. She held out her hand to her doctor. “At least I have one of the best on my team. Thank you, Dr. Lassiter.”
He covered her hand with both of his. “We will beat this, Delta.”
She swallowed back the tears threatening to break free. She didn’t want to cry in front of her mother and she couldn’t cry in front of her father for fear they would start crying, too. She wanted to go home. To her dog. She just wanted to put this day behind her and start over tomorrow. And Dr. Lassiter was right, she would beat this. She would kick its ass all the way to the moon.
* * *
A FEW HOURS later, Delta lay on her old bed with Jake’s head on her chest. She felt like a teenager waiting to be grounded. She didn’t want to sit upstairs in the bedroom. She wanted to do something to get her mind off what was about to happen. But she was stuck. When she’d called her parents Wednesday night and told them about the pain and the lump, her brothers drove up from Missoula to get her. Her family was afraid she would be too upset to drive, and in hindsight, she had been. She wanted to at least go downstairs and watch television but she couldn’t stand the way her parents looked at her. The pity, the sadness—everything she didn’t need right now. She didn’t want to wallow. She wanted to take control. She was thirty years old and stuck in her childhood bedroom.
She grabbed her phone from the night table and texted her brothers.
GET ME OUT OF HERE!
She knew they would come. She didn’t care what they did or where they went. As long as they treated her normally. She hated winters in Montana. It was too cold to do anything. If it had at least been spring, she could’ve clipped a leash on Jake and gone for a walk into town or let Jake run in their horse pastures. She would have loved to take one of her own horses for a ride, but her mother would probably track her down and start following her five minutes later. Still, at least she would’ve gotten out of the house. She knew her parents meant well, it was just a little overwhelming at times.
Her phone rang and she answered it without even looking at the display. “Hello?”
“Delta, thank God. I’ve been trying to reach you for two days.”
Delta buried her face in the pillow and screamed. She finally had a shot with a nice guy and she had to walk away. At least until she was cancer free.
“I didn’t mean to worry you.” She truly hadn’t. In the back of her mind, she had hoped he would walk away from her and make things easier on them both. “I’m just dealing with some private family matters. I should be back to work on Monday, barring any further complications.”
“I don’t care about work.” She sensed the annoyance in his voice. “What complications? Are you okay? Is your family okay?”
“Everything will be fine. I just needed to get home. Please tell Kacey I’m sorry for missing her guitar lessons. Is Lightning Bug still doing okay or have you had to call in the other farrier for anything?”
“Kacey will survive, she’s asked about you. Everyone has asked about you. The horses are fine. And no, we haven’t had to call anyone else. Why are both of your vehicles at your house? How did you get to Missoula?”
“You were at my house?” Delta wasn’t sure how she felt about that. Part of her was mad that he had encroached on her personal space, the other part was touched at the amount of concern he had for her.
“My brothers picked me up.”
“And that’s it?”
“That’s it, Garrett.”
“Did something happen between us? I thought we were headed in a positive direction but I’m sensing... I don’t know what I’m sensing from you but it almost sounds like you’re having second thoughts.”
Delta closed her eyes. She didn’t want to hurt him. She didn’t want to turn him away. Out of all the people in the world, she’d love nothing more than to curl up with him and hear him say everything would be all right. But she couldn’t ask that of him. Not after what he had been through. She wouldn’t be that selfish.
“You told me the other day that if this didn’t work out, we could go back to just being friends.” She pinched the bridge of her nose, not wanting to say what had to come next. “I thought about it and I’m just not comfortable with us dating. I think we’re much better as friends. I have no problem helping you with the Valentine’s event and I’ll continue to be there for Kacey, but what happened the other day between us can’t happen again.”
“And here I had always been told absence made the heart grow fonder.”
“I’m sorry, Garrett. I know this isn’t what you want to hear. I just don’t see it working out between us. We don’t really know each other anyway. Maybe down the road things will be different.”
“Did you seriously just give me the ‘let’s just be friends’ speech and then hint we might have a chance later on? What am I supposed to do, wait for you?”
Yes. “I would never ask you to do that. I’m just not ready for a relationship. I thought I was, but I’m not.”
There was a soft knock at her bedroom door. “Delta, it’s Cooper.”
“I’m sorry, Garrett, I have to go. My brother just arrived.”
“Yeah, sure. Goodbye, Delta.”
His words pierced her heart more painfully than any arrow ever could.
“The door’s open.”
Cooper strode in and flopped on the bed beside her just as he had when they were kids. Her brother was one year older than her and every bit as much a cowboy as he was a deputy sheriff. Harlan reminded her of him in many ways. Under different circumstances, the two of them would probably get along famously. But she didn’t want anyone from Garrett’s family involved with hers. She needed that separation.
“What’s going on, chickadee?” He reached down and squeezed her hand. “Mom and Dad getting to you?”
“Everything’s getting to me.” Her brothers were the only people she could rely on to keep her sane. And she could trust them like no tomorrow. Jake may be her rock, but they were her foundation.
“Why don’t you get your things and come stay with Trevor and me at the apartment tonight. I know Mom and Dad will want to take you to chemo tomorrow, but that’s your decision. If it’s too difficult having them there, then I’ll say something so you won’t have to.”
“I don’t know. I don’t want to hurt Mom’s feelings and tell her she can’t go, but I don’t want her stressed out for hours either. She’ll look at people sicker than I am and think the worst is going to happen to me.” Delta shook her head. “It was one thing when we went through this the first time. I’m not as sick, but they still have to pump poison through my body, which is the real reason why I called you over here. I need you to do me a favor. And I need it tonight.”
Chapter Twelve
“Are you sure you want to do this?” Cooper stood behind her in his apartment bathroom on the other side of town from their parents’ house. “The doctor said you may not lose all of it.”
“What am I supposed to do? Go around looking like a patchwork quilt or buy some of that spray-on hair?” In the mirror, she saw the anguish in his eyes at what she had asked him to do. “It’s okay. This isn’t my first rodeo. The last time I went through chemo I bawled every time it fell out in clumps. I’m not going through that again. This is a good thing.” She attempted a smile. “I still have my old wig. Shit, that thing cost almost five thousand dollars. And it’s real hair. No one is going to know except our immediate family. I want to walk into that cancer center tomorrow and spit in cancer’s face.”
“I love you, sis.”
“I love you, too.”
Cooper gathered her hair in a low ponytail and tied it with an elastic band. She handed him the scissors from the bathroom vanity and nodded, reassuring him it was okay. In three swift cuts, what was left of her hair fell forward and framed her face. She continued to stare at her reflection. Part one...done. He handed her the ponytail. She took a deep breath before wrapping her finger around what used to be her hair.
They had downloaded the form from Locks of Love and would send in her hair along with a donation so they could create a hairpiece for a child suffering from medical hair loss. This way she didn’t lose her hair to chemo. She willingly gave it to someone in need.
Take that, cancer!
“Are you sure you don’t want to leave it like this?” Cooper asked. “I can take you somewhere and you can get a pixie cut. It will look cute.”
Delta lifted her chin. “Do it, Cooper.”
Her brother switched on the hair clippers and wiped away a lone tear before making the first pass across her scalp. She watched as he shaved every hair from her head, leaving her completely bald. Part two...done.
Screw you, cancer!
* * *
HER MOM WEPT when Cooper and Trevor brought her home after her first three-hour chemo treatment. She probably should have warned her about the hair.
“Do you want to lay down?” her father asked.
“Not yet. The anti-nausea drugs they gave me seem to be working okay.”
“Do you want something to eat?” her mother asked.
“I’m good, Mom.” Now food was a trigger. She inhaled sharply. The thought alone made her feel queasy. “Let’s not talk about food.”
“Mom, Dad.” Trevor guided her to the couch as if she had broken a leg or some other body part. “Just leave her alone and let her rest.”
“Yo, bro.” Delta looked up at him. “You can let go of my arm now. I’m not going to fall apart. I got this. But if you don’t mind, could you grab me a bucket just in case and that bag of sour hard candies I left in the car.”
ABVD chemo consisted of a noxious cocktail of four different drugs. Adriamycin, Bleomycin, Vinblastine and Dacarbazine. Adriamycin, also known as The Red Devil, attacked the cancer the hardest. It also turned urine frighteningly red and tasted like the devil’s butt crack. Hard candy helped mask the taste, the stronger the better. Not much was stronger than kid’s sour candy. It was vile on a good day, but a lifesaver during and after chemo.
“Are you sure you don’t need anything?” Mom hovered nearby with a dish towel in one hand and a glass of water in the other.
“Mom, what are you doing?” She shook her head. “If it will make you feel better, give me the towel and the water.”
Delta tucked the towel into the front of her sweatshirt and held the glass of water in her lap. Cooper had returned from the kitchen with chipmunk cheeks full of food. He was trying his best not to eat in front of her, but she knew he was hungry.
“Why are you wearing a towel?” he asked.
“It makes Mom feel better.”
“What exactly is that doing for you?”
“Nothing, but I figured if I start drooling, I’m covered.”
He sat down next to her on the couch and wrapped his arm around her shoulders as he turned on the television. “Comedy or horror?”
“Horror.” She flipped up her hoodie and rested her head against him, relishing his warmth. It was one thing to be bald in the South, it was an entirely different animal being bald in northwestern Montana, in the middle of winter. “Horror means they won’t try to slip a romance in there.”
The last thing Delta remembered was the sound of a chain saw.
* * *
IT HAD BEEN six days since Garrett had last seen Delta. As much as he had tried to erase her from his thoughts, he couldn’t. It didn’t help that Kacey had continued to ask about her. Their breakup, or whatever she wanted to call it, still didn’t make sense to him. Neither did her absence.
Garrett crested the hill in front of the stables on his four-wheeler on Tuesday as Delta entered Silver Bells’ main gate. A part of him wanted to ride over and see how she was doing, but the other part told him to keep his distance. He could see her clearly enough from where he was. He didn’t need to get any closer. Providing she had all her limbs intact, that was all that mattered. Whatever her emergency was, she didn’t want to talk about it and he didn’t need to know.
Another truck he hadn’t seen before braked next to hers. No one parked at the stables unless they had business there and he had never seen the man who stepped out of the vehicle. But Delta had. Even from a distance, he could tell they knew each other well. Maybe a little too well. Was that why she’d ended thing
s with him? Was it because of someone else?
He pushed the thumb throttle forward and rolled down the hill toward them. The stables were his business and he had a right to know who was entering them. He idled to a stop in front of them and cut the engine.
“Good afternoon, Delta.” He tipped his hat to her and climbed off the four-wheeler before holding his hand out to the man who appeared much younger in person than he had from a distance. He couldn’t be more than twenty years old, if that. “I don’t believe we’ve met.”
“I’m Evan, Delta’s apprentice.”
“Apprentice?” Garrett hadn’t realized Delta had become busy enough to hire someone else. He also didn’t remember her looking so pale or her hair being that particular shade of brown. It was a pretty color, but Delta didn’t have that much mahogany in hers. Something was off.
Delta shifted uncomfortably under his gaze, quickly averting her eyes. “It was time for me to hire someone. It’s the perfect time of year to get him up to speed while we’re a little bit slower. Come spring, we’ll be ready to shift into high gear and take on more clients.”
Now Garrett felt like a complete fool for thinking the man was anything other than a legitimate employee. Delta wouldn’t bring a man she was dating on the job. And he could tell himself he was over her all he wanted. He could tell himself they’d never had anything to begin with, but that would be a lie, too. And he could tell himself he didn’t care anymore when the truth was he cared enough to know something was wrong.
“I’m available to give Kacey a guitar lesson later, if it’s still okay.”
“She would be thrilled if you’re sure it’s not a problem.”
“I can’t guarantee a schedule, if that’s what you’re getting at, but I’m pretty sure I can fit her in once, if not twice a week. I brought my travel guitar with me. I’m sorry our lesson plans got interrupted, but life happened.”
“I’m leaving in a few to pick her and Bryce up. How long do you plan on sticking around?”