“I don’t think so, Mom,” Pennie said sadly. “That’s a long way off.” Tim had big plans. He wanted to work in London for a year or two after college, or maybe Beijing or Hong Kong. He had been studying Mandarin for two years, which his father had told him might be useful for him in business. Pennie wanted to stay closer to home and live in New York. But she felt ready to be an adult now. She was tired of being treated as a child. Her three-year relationship with Tim had made her more mature than many of her peers. They were hoping to go to party schools, and have fun in college.
Pennie wanted more, just as her mother had so long ago. Eileen hoped Pennie wouldn’t want to marry too young, and would give herself a chance for a real career and an exciting job before she settled down. Paul felt the same, and regularly told his daughter not to think about getting married until she was at least thirty, and to put off marriage and children for as long as she could. He always made marriage sound like a trap to be avoided. Pennie had gotten the message loud and clear. The underlying advice from both her parents was that trading career for family was not a good thing, a very bad idea, and an unwanted pregnancy would end her dreams forever. She hated the way they thought about it, and it was hard knowing that she was the cause of their disappointment, but she understood why. She had fully realized that their attitude, and their regret about the way their own marriage had started, was an antidote to love. Their relationship was solid but never tender, loving, or warm. She had seen some of her friends’ parents look at each other with love and deep appreciation, a kind of affection that had never existed in her home. She was sure her parents loved each other, but they weren’t in love, and she wondered if they ever had been. If so, it had not been in a long time. She couldn’t remember her parents ever seeming passionate about each other, or really happy. They had long since accepted the limitations of their relationship and didn’t expect more. They had settled for what they had. She wanted a great deal more than that from the man she loved.
Pennie thought that if she and Tim had been older, they might have had a solid basis for marriage one day. But that wouldn’t happen now. It was over, after three happy, loving years with him. She knew she had to give up that dream, but it was so hard to do. Breaking up with Tim was the first big loss of her life. The pain was almost physical. She felt sick for the first few days after they broke up. And even sicker the week after.
“Did he dump you?” her brother Mark asked her, with his usual eleven-year-old lack of tact, when he noticed that Tim wasn’t around. Normally he saw Tim with Pennie every day.
“Of course not, stupid. They’re going to get married after college, like Mom and Dad,” Seth answered for her. Pennie left the breakfast table, feeling violently sick. She didn’t have the heart to tell her brothers they had broken up, or even her friends just yet. It was too painful to explain, even if it was the right thing to do and made sense for both of them, and they had planned it for months. But that didn’t make it any easier.
She couldn’t wait to leave for her summer job at camp, just to get away from all of them. The twins were going to be at the same camp in Vermont, but in the boys’ division where she wouldn’t see them very often, and she’d be busy with the girls she was assigned. She’d be sleeping in a cabin with six or eight of them, and would be too busy to think. She couldn’t stand the look of sympathy in her mother’s eyes now. Eileen hated to see her daughter’s sadness, but there was nothing she could do about it. She knew it was part of growing up. Losing her first love was a rite of passage she would have to go through, just like Eileen had had to grow up at twenty-two, when she married Paul, and they had a baby five months later. She had told Pennie hundreds of times that she had been a colicky baby, and cried all the time, and Eileen did too. The early years of their marriage had been difficult, with too little money and responsibilities neither of them was ready for. She wanted Pennie to hear it so she wouldn’t make the same mistakes. Pennie had heard it all a thousand times from both of her parents.
* * *
—
Eileen had been wrestling with the idea of her fortieth birthday for months. It depressed her profoundly. Forty had always sounded old to her and now she was almost there. It was middle-aged. She was halfway through her life, and what had she accomplished? Nothing much. Raising kids seemed so insignificant compared to what she could have done. She might have been a senior editor by now, working with important authors in the literary world, contributing to their work. She enjoyed cooking and the casual dinners they gave for friends occasionally. But what was that? Being able to cook a decent meal? Friends often called for her recipes, but in her mind cooking didn’t take much skill. Paul loved what she cooked for them, although he was rarely home for dinner during the week. Part of his job was taking the important clients out for dinner, and wooing new ones. He regularly ate at some of the best restaurants in New York, and would get back to Greenwich on one of the last trains, or stay in a hotel in the city if it got too late. When their kids were busy, they went out for dinner on weekends, frequently with friends, which they both preferred. Alone, they often ran out of things to talk about halfway through the meal. After he’d told her about his latest accounts, and she’d filled him in on the kids’ activities or problems, there wasn’t much to say.
Eileen was already sad thinking about Pennie leaving for college in a year. Fortunately, the twins had another seven years at home. The time after that stretched ahead of her like a wasteland, with nothing to do. She’d been out of the workforce for too long to get a job now, and she had too little experience. She’d only worked briefly at twenty-two, and never since. She was practical, extremely well organized, and ran a smooth home, but none of that translated into a career at forty. She felt like a boring person, and when Paul had her join him for dinner with clients in the city, she felt over-the-hill, unattractive, and out of the loop. She tried to keep well informed, and read as much as she could when she had time, which wasn’t often with twin eleven-year-old boys. When she picked up a book to read the current bestselling novel at night in bed, she was usually sound asleep by the second page.
She had tried to explain how she felt to Jane Ridley, her closest friend, who told her she should have an affair. It would make her feel young again. Jane had had several, and insisted it had kept her marriage alive. She was two years older than Eileen and had no children. She played bridge a lot, and shopped. They had met on a charity committee and had known each other for years. Their lives were different so they didn’t see each other often, but they spoke on the phone. Jane was married to an older man who had children her age. He was generous with her.
“That’s a little radical, don’t you think?” Eileen answered with a rueful smile, about having an affair.
“Lots of women do it,” Jane said breezily, and Eileen laughed.
“What? The tennis instructor at the club, or the golf pro? That seems like such a cliché, it’s pathetic. It’s not for me.”
“Maybe, but it might be fun. Or you could get your eyes done, or your boobs lifted. If you’re feeling old, there are remedies for that.” Eileen didn’t want to ask her which options Jane had employed to feel younger. But she felt like a drudge compared to Jane and some of the other women they knew. Most of the women in Greenwich seemed to fall into two categories, either the boring, domestic women like Eileen, or the jazzier ones, getting plastic surgery and having affairs, which seemed depressing to her, and anything but satisfying.
“Besides, I don’t want to cheat on Paul. It makes me feel sick when I think about it. We love each other in our own way. Paul isn’t demonstrative or affectionate, but I know he loves me. We’ve been together for almost eighteen years, and we dated before that.” And they cared enough to be faithful at least, even if their marriage wasn’t perfect.
“How do you know he doesn’t cheat on you, or do you know?” A lot of men they knew cheated while their wives turned a blind eye. They took th
eir revenge out on their husbands’ credit cards, a system which seemed to work for both parties. They each got a reward. The cuckolded wife got a new wardrobe and whatever else she wanted, and the husband got a new pretty girl to play with, and got laid two or three times a day, or more often than his wife wanted after years of marriage. It was hard to keep relationships fresh and desire alive in their everyday routines.
“If you don’t want the golf pro at the club, then I think some plastic surgery is in order. Maybe some fillers or laser treatments,” Jane suggested. She got Botox shots regularly and fillers, and she looked great.
“Are you telling me I look old?” Eileen was horrified.
“No, not at all. You don’t look your age, but you’re telling me you feel old. That’s a bad place to be. Pretty soon you convince everyone that it’s true, including yourself. You need to get out more,” Jane volunteered, “without Paul. You need to flirt and feel like a woman again.” Eileen laughed and shook her head. It sounded like work to her, and she was comfortable as she was. She wasn’t eager to make a fool of herself at her age. “When was the last time you bought sexy underwear? I mean really sexy!”
“When Paul stopped noticing it, and I realized he didn’t care. He’s never around when I get dressed, and I’m already in bed by the time he gets home. Sexy underwear would be a waste of money,” Eileen said matter-of-factly. It didn’t worry her. She was used to it. Their time together and their marriage centered mostly around their kids. Their sex life was adequate but not extraordinary.
“Maybe you should rethink some of that,” Jane said seriously. “The boys will be gone before you know it, and then you’re going to be staring at each other with nothing left to say. You’re not over-the-hill, Eileen. Forty is not the end of life as we know it. It’s not the end of the world. And you and Paul will have more time to yourselves when Pennie goes to college next year.” Eileen nodded, unconvinced by what her friend was saying. She didn’t feel sexy anymore, or womanly, or attractive to her husband. They still made love, but not often. They were both busy on weekends, with kids or doing chores, and during the week Paul spent long days in the city, and usually came home late. She used to join him more for dinner with clients in the city, but she hadn’t done that in months, and he hadn’t asked. He said he had no exciting clients at the moment, and told her she’d be bored, so she hadn’t bothered. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d been to New York. It was easier to stay in Greenwich, where she could run around in jeans or leggings, and didn’t have to wear makeup or get dressed up. She hadn’t worn high heels in months. She had given most of them to her daughter, who was thrilled.
Eileen was still a pretty woman, and Pennie looked a lot like her. She had been a knockout in her youth, but with time, the realities of her life, and a lukewarm marriage, she didn’t really care how she looked anymore, and it showed. She didn’t make the extra effort to get dressed up or wear makeup or do her hair. Paul never commented or seemed to notice what she wore or how she looked. Compliments had never been his strong suit, although he was better about it when they were dating. Now being together was like wearing an old comfortable pair of shoes, for both of them.
Paul always looked polished and well dressed when he went to work, but made as little effort as she did at home on weekends. He was still handsome, and women found him attractive. He tried harder with strangers, and Eileen was surprised sometimes by how charming and interesting, and even funny, he could be when talking with other women, but he went home with her.
* * *
—
The week before she was due to leave for camp, still missing Tim acutely, Pennie thought she had food poisoning or the flu. She threw up violently all morning, but felt better in the afternoon, and then suddenly something occurred to her that she hadn’t thought of before. Her periods had always been irregular, but more so in the last two months. They had come and gone in a day with some minor spotting. It seemed like a ridiculous idea that something might have happened, and she wondered if she was clutching at straws, trying to hang on to Tim now that she realized how painful it was to let him go.
Feeling slightly foolish, she went to the drugstore and bought a pregnancy test. She’d done it before the few times they’d been worried, and she’d never been pregnant despite some scares. She vaguely remembered that they’d had unprotected sex once a few months before. She couldn’t even remember when, it seemed so long ago, and nothing had come of it. She got her period on time afterwards, even if it was short.
She had the test in her purse when she got home. Her mother was out taking the boys to get the last of what they needed for camp. Pennie went upstairs to her bathroom, and her hands were shaking when she took the test out of the box. For an insane moment, she hoped that she might be pregnant. She didn’t want it to be over with Tim. She wanted some part of him to stay with her forever, even though she knew she was in no way prepared or ready to have a child. It would ruin her life, just as it had her mother’s, even more so since she was five years younger than her mother had been when she’d had Pennie. A baby at seventeen would have been a disaster in her life. She couldn’t do it.
She locked the door of her bathroom, and did the test, waited the brief time for it to process, and closed her eyes for a minute before she looked. She wouldn’t allow herself to wish for a positive result, no matter how much she loved him. Then she opened her eyes and stared at the test stick for a long time. It wasn’t possible. It couldn’t be right. She couldn’t be pregnant now that they had broken up. She wanted to be an adult. She was tired of being discounted as too young for everything, but this wasn’t how she wanted to demonstrate her adulthood. But want it or not, the test result was clear. She was pregnant.
Her eyes filled with tears as she put the used test back in the box and put it in her purse. She sat down on the toilet cover and stared into space. Had she wished this into being? Had she done it on purpose, subconsciously? However it had happened, it was real and she had to deal with it.
Tears slid down her cheeks as she tried to figure out what to do. She had to call Tim and tell him. What was she going to tell her parents? How was Tim going to react? Would he fall in love with her all over again, or would he be furious? They were too young to have a baby. He was leaving for China in a week and for Stanford in August. She felt a wave of panic wash over her. It was the most terrifying thing that had ever happened to her. There would be no easy way out of it for either of them. In a sudden rush, she wanted to give up her new claim to adulthood, and run back to her childhood. This wasn’t how she wanted to become a grown-up. She wasn’t ready for a baby, or to become a mother. All she wanted to do was fly into Tim’s arms and hide. But there was no hiding from this now.
* * *
—
Pennie sat locked in her bathroom for an hour, trying to think about what she had to do. She couldn’t call their family doctor. She was sure he would tell her parents. She had gone to Planned Parenthood for birth control advice before. But first she wanted to call Tim. He would know what to do. She had to break the silence they had agreed on. She sent him a text asking him where he was. He responded within minutes, and said he was at home, packing for the trip to China, and asked her how she was. The text was friendly but not loving.
“I need to talk to you. Can you meet me for coffee?” she texted back.
“Why? We said we wouldn’t do that,” he reminded her. “I’m meeting my parents for dinner.”
“Can I see you before, just for a few minutes?”
“I don’t think we should. It will upset us both.” But not nearly as much as the news she had to tell him. She wasn’t even sure how pregnant she was. But if it was due to their one slip a few months before, she would be somewhere around three or four months pregnant.
“I’ll make it short. It’s important.”
“Something wrong? Are you okay?”
She didn’t
answer the question. She didn’t want to lie. “Where should I meet you?”
He suggested their favorite coffee shop. He didn’t think she should come to his house, they might lose their resolve. He missed her as much as she missed him, and he didn’t trust himself alone with her. If she was going to beg him not to break up with her, he didn’t want to be in the midst of a painful, tearful scene when his parents got home.
They agreed to meet half an hour later, and he was there when she arrived. He looked as handsome as ever, and couldn’t suppress a smile when he saw her. She was so damn beautiful and he still loved her so much. His heart felt tight in his chest when she sat down, wearing sandals and pink shorts with a white T-shirt, and no makeup, her long blond hair hanging down her back. He was wearing jeans, a blue shirt, and loafers. He could see that she was nervous. She had the test in her purse in case he didn’t believe her.
“What’s up?” Seeing him almost took her breath away.
“I just found out something you ought to know,” she said, trying to sound calmer than she felt, and not cry.
“Like what? Is something wrong? Are you sick?” He was worried and she shook her head as tears crept into her eyes in spite of her efforts not to let them.
She looked him in the eye, and spoke in a soft voice. “I’m pregnant, Tim. I think it may have been that time three or four months ago when we forgot to buy condoms.” A fatal oversight, and they decided to make love anyway and told themselves nothing would happen “just once.” The pill had made her sick when she tried it, and they preferred condoms.
“Oh my God. You can’t be.” He sounded choked.
“I am. I just did a test. What are we going to do?”
“Our parents will kill us,” he said, feeling like a child faced with her devastating news. He had no ambiguous feelings about it. It was the worst thing that had ever happened to them, worse than breaking up. “We can’t have a baby now. I’m leaving for Beijing next week, and Stanford in August.”
The Numbers Game Page 2