by Dannika Dark
Wyatt scratched his smooth jaw. “Shep’s gonna have to curb that dirty mouth of his around the kid, or the first word we’re going to hear is cocksucker.”
Christian laughed darkly and stood up. “That’ll make trips to the ice cream parlor fun. I’ll just be upstairs, picking glass from the bottom of my shoes.”
I grimaced and looked at the mess on the floor. But I was glad we’d had that moment. It reminded me of what really mattered.
Gem rubbed her puffy eyes. “Hooper’s ashes were scattered today by his family in a private ceremony.”
Niko lowered his head. “I’m sorry for your pain.”
“I just don’t feel like I got closure,” she admitted. “But at least I’ve learned my lesson. I’m not relationship material, especially since I work with a bunch of killers.”
Wyatt leaned across Shepherd’s chair and squeezed her shoulder. “Want me to pour you a tall glass of apple juice to drown your sorrows in?”
I scooted my chair back. Now that I had my memories restored, I couldn’t stand it any longer. I needed to see Christian. “I should probably shower.”
“Feel free to take three,” Wyatt offered. “You look scarier than some of the spooks that used to live here.”
Blue found a spare wineglass and filled it for Viktor. “We have some major celebrating to do. Who wants another drink?”
Viktor smiled warmly. “What would I do without my Blue?”
Christian’s room wasn’t far from mine. Like me, he was a recluse and enjoyed his privacy. That was the nice thing about our relationship—we understood each other’s basic needs. I knocked and heard him murmur something unintelligible before swinging open the door.
I leapt into his arms, ravishing him with a passionate kiss that could have stopped time. The heat between us culminated to a scorching degree as he slammed the door and backed up to the bed. He’d just lit a fire, and the wood crackled and popped in the hearth. When he sat down, I straddled him, my hands cupping his face.
He growled, clawing at my hips and rocking me against him. “Keep doing that, Precious.”
I threw my head back and tried to control the energy spiraling through me like a cyclone. Christian lifted my sweater and put his head inside, his hands peeling away my bra as he sucked on my nipple.
When his kisses ceased, I looked down, out of breath. “Don’t stop.”
“Where did this come from?” he asked, his tone so sharp that it made me shiver.
“The bra?”
Then I felt a tug around my neck. He’d found the necklace tucked beneath my sweater.
Christian’s head reappeared, his hair disheveled and lips tinged red. I didn’t like the look on his face, so I climbed off him and pulled the necklace into view.
“I didn’t want to create a distraction during Shepherd’s meeting. The others don’t know the importance, but you do.”
Christian shot to his feet, his rage barely contained. “He was just here? On our property?” Just then, it was as if Christian had switched off his emotions. His face became ashen and his gaze hollow as he stared at the necklace. “You remember.”
I clutched the heart. “He gave it back to me. All my memories. Our kisses, the fire, the necklace—everything. Maybe he felt guilty.”
Christian clasped his hands behind his back and walked to the fire. “And knowing everything, how do you feel about it? About us?”
“You couldn’t tell when I walked in the room?”
“What if you had never gotten it back? Knowing what you know now, would you have seen me as more than just a sex object?”
I snorted. “You have a high opinion of your prowess as a lover.”
“I’m serious, Raven. We’d lost all those other moments, and you weren’t giving me that same tenderness. Not like before. You felt passion for me, to be sure, but if you couldn’t give me your heart a second time, then maybe—”
“We’re not meant to be?”
He turned on his heel and gave me a pensive look.
I knew what he meant. There’s an idea that lives within each of us that if you’re meant to love someone, you could meet that same person in a thousand lifetimes and always fall in love. After losing my memory, I’d felt residual emotions for Christian that had no memory connection. Our sexual chemistry was off the charts, but something kept holding me back.
“I don’t know,” I admitted. “Maybe it would have taken us longer to get back to that same place. I never thought you’d be more afraid of this thing than me.”
“When a man has been burned once before, he learns to guard his heart.”
I turned toward his bedside table and approached it, my eyes lost in the warm glow of the lantern. “So this isn’t about us. It’s about another woman. That’s why you’ve always had a low opinion about love and relationships. It’s not easy making this work under Viktor’s watchful eye, but you’re the only one holding back. You just don’t see it that way. When someone’s coming, you push me away. I know we have to be careful, but do you ever think how that makes me feel?”
“I said it before, and I’ll say it again. I’m not a thing to love. It doesn’t mean I’m not capable of having feelings for you, but everything you buy in the store comes with a warning label.”
“Do not use while sleeping?”
“I want you, Raven. I just don’t know how to have you.” His voice moved away as he turned to look at the fire again.
Someone must have really done a number on him. I feared losing everything in my life that I’d worked hard for, but Christian feared trusting me. I had every reason not to trust a Vampire, but I’d given him that much, and my trust wasn’t something I gave out freely.
It made me wonder… if Viktor allowed relationships to flourish between partners, would Christian find another reason to push me away? I’d always felt safe with him, and despite my head telling me one thing, my heart trusted him implicitly. We’d made a pact never to lie to each other as partners, but I’d always felt that our agreement carried over to our complicated relationship.
What was he hiding from me besides his heart?
I sat on the edge of his bed. “What changed? You wanted me to remember everything, and now that I do, you’re running scared.”
“I’m not running.”
“You left skid marks on the floor.”
He drew in a deep breath and sighed. “You deserve to have your memories back. They’re yours. I can’t tell you what to do with them, but I never wanted you to have them back just for my own benefit. I could have kept our relationship platonic when you lost them.”
“I don’t think that will ever be possible.”
Maybe he was scared. Scared that I’d love him so hard that he couldn’t give me the same love in return. And that scared me too. Scared me because the word “love” was suddenly popping in my head a whole lot.
“Was it easier when I was the one pushing back?” I asked. “Maybe your flaw is that you’re attracted to people you can’t have because it’s safe. Now that I’m all in, you’re the one who’s spooked.”
I reached for the candy dish and knocked a small slip of paper onto the floor. When I bent down to pick it up, I noticed papers poking out from beneath his bed. The bold letters caught my attention, because it was a printed receipt for renting out a doublewide trailer.
“If you need time to think, I’ll understand,” he went on.
I lifted the papers onto my lap and scanned the top. The date was shortly after my abduction, and the signature was Christian’s name. “What is this?”
I never heard his footsteps or saw him round the bed since I was flipping through pages and pages of receipts for food and utilities. Then I found a document that made me stand up. The papers scattered to the floor in a messy pile. I gripped the wrinkled paper between my hands and stared at the address. This was the last electric bill for my father’s trailer.
Chapter 30
“What is all this?” I gestured to the papers on the floor, m
y heart still pounding against my ribs.
Christian held the look of a man caught in a web of lies. “You don’t like my house in the woods, so I thought I’d upgrade. Every man needs a second home.”
“Don’t lie to me. This is my father’s mail.” I flourished the paper in front of his face and then crumpled it in my fist before letting it drop to the ground. “The dates are right after I went missing. Start talking.”
“Went missing. That’s an interesting way to put it.” His eyes flicked down to my necklace. “After your maker sold you to Fletcher, I knew your da was in trouble. So I arranged for him to stay in a secret location.”
The truth slipped out with Christian’s confession, but I wanted him to say it out loud. “And he went willingly… with a complete stranger?”
“He’s an obstinate man and wouldn’t go without his fecking chair.”
“Did you charm him?”
Christian opened his mouth as if to say something but snapped it closed.
“You lied to me. I want the truth.”
“I didn’t have to charm your da because… he already knew me.”
I shut my eyes. “He knew because you never erased his memory of our meeting, did you?”
“Your da knows about the Breed world, Raven. I had no choice. You think his friends wouldn’t have figured it out before long?”
“Then why didn’t you tell me?”
“He saw you were happy and didn’t want you holding on to the past.” Christian folded his arms. “I saved the man’s life.”
“Do you think that justifies lying to me? You kept a secret from me about the most important person in my life. I could have gone back to visit with him instead of sitting around, terrified that Fletcher might show up and kill him.”
“Have you seen his gun collection? The man can take care of himself. Once we found you, he demanded to go back home.”
It was one thing to keep trivial secrets, but this was the biggest and baddest betrayal of them all. Christian was denying me the right to continue a relationship with my father. Had I never found the receipt, what then?
“You can’t be mad at me for saving your da.”
“I’m not. I’m grateful my father’s alive, but that doesn’t negate the damage you’ve done. If I hadn’t found out, you wouldn’t have told me. This wasn’t a little white lie, Christian. You had no fucking right to keep my family from me. You were stealing away years of time I had to be with him that weren’t yours to take. It wasn’t your secret to keep. As soon as I walked out of that trailer and he told you the truth, you should have called me back inside. That’s a game changer. We could have worked it out. All this time, you’ve been telling me to let go of the past, forget my father, and move on. But now I find out that he remembers our meeting and knows about our world? Jesus, how does he know about our world?”
Christian shrugged.
I held the ruby heart in my hand. “I’m starting to wonder if Houdini wasn’t trying to protect me when he erased my memories of you.”
Christian’s eyes narrowed. “You’re going to forgive him because he gave you something back? Don’t forget who gave you that necklace to begin with. That was my heart on a chain, not his.”
Christian’s words cut through me like a knife.
“The truth hurts, doesn’t it, Precious?”
I squared off with him. “Don’t call me that.”
“I’ve always called you that.”
“Not when you’re angry. Don’t call me a name of affection when you’re berating me, or I’ll never want to hear that word again.”
“What’ll you have me do? Apologize? I can’t. I did what I had to do.”
“Even if it meant betraying me?”
“Jaysus wept. Would you be this vexed if I’d slept with another woman?”
“Is there something else you’re not telling me?”
Christian’s eyes became evasive, and he shifted his stance.
“That’s my point.”
My shoe kicked the wadded-up paper as I walked past him to the door.
“Come back when you’ve had time to think it over,” he said.
“Don’t count on it.”
“You’ll see I had no choice about the matter.”
After closing the door behind me—though it was more like slamming—I went to my room.
Christian was threatened by Houdini. At first, I thought it had to do with him being my maker, but now I could see the jealousy in Christian’s eyes just as clearly as his printed name on those receipts. His good deed was eclipsed by the deception. All those private conversations we’d had, in which I poured out my heart about my father, and Christian never seized the opportunity to confess the truth. He could have saved me so much anguish.
Even if I never went back home, at least I could have called my father on the phone every now and again when I felt down and needed a good kick in the ass. I could have sent him money when he needed it. I could have had more time with him before he grew old and died.
What else had he lied about? When someone betrays you once, what’s to stop them from doing it again? Where is the line drawn?
Maybe I would have been better off if Houdini had kept those memories, because now it hurt so much worse to remember them. Especially knowing that Christian originally bought my necklace for someone else. As much as I wanted to confront him about it now, my heart couldn’t take another blow.
I needed to think.
I needed space.
I needed to get out.
How could I ever trust him as my partner? This went infinitely deeper than just a lie. I was more prepared for Christian ruining my heart than my life. If I couldn’t trust my partner, how could I do my job effectively?
After a brief stop in my bedroom to do a few things, I took a dazed walk to the first floor, grabbed my leather jacket, and headed out to my truck, still parked out front. No one noticed me leave.
When I started the engine, I felt like throwing up. The more distance I put between us physically and emotionally, the more I knew I’d fallen in love with Christian.
I’d never experienced a conventional relationship, and that had always been okay. But now I selfishly wanted more. Trust was only one piece of the pie. I wanted him to fight for me. Even after finding out I had my memory restored, he’d backed away like a spooked horse. Maybe he was afraid I’d go public or tie him down in a real commitment. As far as I knew, all his relationships had been casual and brief.
Well, except for whoever ruined him.
As I turned out of the driveway, I glanced toward the garage and noticed Christian’s Honda parked outside.
“Houdini,” I whispered.
He’d spied on our date. Was he jealous of Christian? It would certainly explain why he’d taken my memories, but it didn’t explain why he’d returned them.
Or the car.
When I reached the gate, I passed another car turning in. Viktor must have forgotten to call the people picking up Hunter and cancel.
I switched on the radio, and “Sara” by Fleetwood Mac poured through the speakers.
The headlights lit up a thin layer of fog rolling across the fields, and I imagined myself driving through the timeline of my life. As long as it seemed, this was only the beginning. The great unknown lay before me, and centuries would pass by like an open stretch of road beneath my tires. Places, people, tragedies, laughter, and change.
My life had been nothing but change, and only now did I realize how much change scared the hell out of me. Most of all, the decisions that couldn’t be undone. I’d set myself up to fail by inviting a relationship with Christian. Whether we worked out or not, it would alter my course with the organization.
Deep down, had I wanted to screw up my life all along? To create yet another reason for someone else to give up on me? I’d spent my whole life feeling as though I’d let everyone down, that I was somehow not good enough. Keystone was the last stop, and here I was, screwing it up by seeking out a doo
med relationship.
But that wasn’t the whole truth.
Deep down, I wanted Christian to love me enough to risk everything. Being with him wasn’t some subconscious form of self-sabotage. I wanted to tell Viktor that I’d fallen in love with my partner, but each time Christian pushed me away or avoided eye contact, it made me doubt that day would ever come.
Swimming in my thoughts, I checked my speed and slowed down. If a cop pulled me over, he’d lock me up and throw away the key after one look at my bloody clothes. I tilted the rearview mirror and wondered who was staring back at me. I didn’t recognize that girl anymore. She was heartbroken and sad, and I’d always been tough. I’d fought my way through every tragedy and survived.
Hours passed.
With my tank running on empty, I made a final turn home. I’d needed that temporary escape to put things into perspective. It was time for me to stop avoiding risks because I was afraid of the consequences. Matters of the heart were more important, and right now, there was only one thing that mattered.
After parking the truck, I walked around outside and stared upward at the dark sky. The clouds had moved in and obscured the lights from a thousand directions. The night had created its own blackout, and there were no favors in the world that could bring back the stars.
My thoughts crystallized with each step I took, leading me to the only conclusion that felt right. I knocked on the door, my heart in my throat.
Had he left, or was he ignoring my knock? I blew out a nervous breath, my palms sweaty and legs restless. The second time I knocked, the door slowly opened.
When he looked at me, I’d never felt more certain of his love.
Tears welled in my eyes.
Fear gripped my spine.
And joy filled my heart.
I looked into his eyes and knew right then and there that everything would be okay. Somehow, he just had a way of making it so.
“Daddy?”
Crush wrapped his arms around me in a bear hug, his love never more felt. “I knew you’d come home, Cookie.”