by Ember Casey
“Wife?” Victoria says. “Oh, no—it’s nothing like… I mean, we’re not…”
“Victoria and I have made no official commitments,” I say. “I’ve simply refused to agree to our father’s marriage plans for me.”
“Oh,” Sophia says with a shrug. “I get it. Didn’t mean to make things awkward.” She gives me a wink.
“If you’ll excuse us,” I say, “Victoria and I should—”
“Wait,” Sophia says, her smile dropping. “I was waiting here for you. I wanted to see… Wanted to make sure you were all right.”
“As you can see, we’ve survived His Majesty.”
“That—that’s not what I meant.” She glances down either side of the corridor before stepping closer. Her eyebrows are drawn together in concern. “I’ve been worried all night.”
I frown. “I know dinner yesterday was less than pleasant—”
“Not about dinner. After that. I saw you.”
My stomach twists. “Saw me?”
“On the roof. I went outside for some fresh air and looked up and…and I knew it was you. Even from where I was. Jesus, Andrew—for a minute there I actually thought you meant to jump or something.” She grabs my free hand, squeezing it painfully. “You scared the shit out of me. I ran inside and went all the way up to the tower, but by the time I got there, you were gone. For a minute I thought…fuck, I thought you’d gone over. But I couldn’t see you. Couldn’t find you anywhere. I went to your room next, but you didn’t answer your door. So I went and woke up William, and he ran outside to check the gardens and gymnasium while I looked elsewhere in the palace. I almost called the Royal Guard, but I didn’t want to wake our parents unless I knew something had happened…” She drops her gaze. “I finally ended up at Victoria’s room. No one answered when I knocked, but the door was unlocked so I peeked in…” Her cheeks turn slightly pink. “I didn’t want to disturb your sleep, but I wanted to come find you today, just in case.”
I don’t know how to respond to this confession—I wasn’t aware anyone saw me on the roof, least of all my sister.
“I’m fine,” I say gently. “You can see that now.”
“But you were thinking about it. You thought about jumping.”
I know I hesitate a moment too long because I hear the sharp intake of Victoria’s breath beside me.
Victoria
My first assignment at Celebrity Spark Magazine was to cover the escapades of a new singer. A rock star who’d had what looked from the outside to be an overnight success.
People love those stories—it gives them hope that they might find a magic bullet of their own one day. That lucky breaks happen all the time and that one might happen for the reader of the tabloid story, too.
What most people don’t realize is there is no such thing as an overnight success. The guy I was covering had certainly made it big with his new song—the first he had released with the record label he was signed to—but it was by no means his first song. He had worked very hard for years for his “overnight” success.
Even with all the work he had put in, nothing ever prepares a person for fame. For notoriety. Especially people who go from being like that guy—under the radar—to being the celebrity everyone wants to know everything about.
He seemed like a decent enough person, at least at first. He granted interviews to anyone who wanted one. He walked around in public like nothing had changed. But everything had changed. Within a month, his life wasn’t his own anymore. Every decision he made had to be cleared through his publicist or manager—they wanted to be sure he was portraying the right image to his fans. They owned every second of his life.
When he started in the music business, he thought his dream was to be a famous singer. But that really wasn’t it at all. His real dream had been to make his living singing. But it was the first dream that came true, and with his fame, everything else was ruined.
He finally couldn’t take it anymore—couldn’t live with the pressure and demands of constantly having to live like a circus animal, performing for everyone else. Having no life of his own.
He jumped from the roof of the building that housed his record label six months after his first song hit the top of the charts.
And I was standing on the sidewalk below when he did it. I was one of the hundred or so paparazzi there that day who was blamed in the mainstream media for his death.
After that day, I swore I would never put another celebrity in a position like that again—regardless of whether or not it was unintentional. I know I wasn’t to blame for that man making the choice to jump. Some part of me knows he made his choice because he had the choice to make—so many of his decisions had been taken away from him already. His will to live was one of the only freedoms he had left after finding what he thought he wanted.
My chest tightens with guilt and my eyes fall closed when I realize the same thing has happened to Andrew.
My whole body feels heavy. If he thought about suicide because of me—if even a small part of his reasoning was because of something I might have done or said to him—I’m not sure I can live with myself.
He takes too long to respond to his sister and I know it’s an admission—he was thinking about jumping.
But after the longest pause I’ve ever heard, he finally replies. “Don’t be ridiculous, Sophia. I would never consider doing such a thing.”
I look over at him, but he averts his gaze. It doesn’t matter if he’s denied it. I saw how he was last night when he came to my room. I held the broken shell of a man in my arms all night, not understanding for even a moment what he was going through.
She doesn’t seem to believe him, either. “Then what were you doing on the roof? I saw you up there, Andrew. I saw you almost…” Her voice is choked with tears. “You can deny whatever you want, but I know what I saw.”
He forces a plastic smile, first turning to me then looking back at his sister. “It is true that I was on the roof last night. But I had no intention of doing anything but looking out over the countryside—the same thing I’ve been doing from the same spot almost my entire life.” He turns to look over at me, but doesn’t quite meet my gaze. “I go there from time to time to look out over the kingdom. To remind myself of my duties and my responsibilities. To remind myself of the obligations I was born into.”
Sophia’s brow wrinkles and she stares at her brother. “If you’re certain…”
He gives her a shallow nod. “I’m quite certain, Sophia. The tower where I stood is at least seven stories up. There is no way you could have seen me in any great detail—”
She narrows her gaze. “Well, I do know what I saw, Brother. If you’re going to deny it, I’ll not press the issue further.”
He gives her the same forced smile he’s had plastered on his face since we ran into her in the hallway. “Very well, then. Thank you for checking on me. I do appreciate your concern, Sophia.”
The line between her eyebrows deepens, and she only shakes her head.
Andrew takes my hand in his and starts to lead me down the hall.
Sophia stops next to me and whispers in my ear before she immediately walks the other way. “Help him.”
I turn to look at her, but she isn’t looking back.
Andrew tugs on my arm and we walk in silence. He leads me outside and we walk to one of the gardens.
None of the flowers are in bloom—it is fall, after all. But there are a number of different types of trees, all in varying stages of losing their leaves.
We walk over to a bench near a grove of what appear to be some sort of fruit trees.
We sit in silence for a long time before Andrew finally speaks. “Victoria, I did go to the tower last night.”
I let out a long breath. “Were you…?” I can’t bring myself to ask the question. “Were you going to…?”
He pulls my hand into his, giving it a squeeze. “I may have had a momentary…” He clears his throat. “A fleeting thought. But only because I felt t
here was little other choice. That it might be my only chance at freedom.”
I frown, but nod all the same.
“Victoria, I don’t know what to do. I find myself in a situation I’ve never been in before. I’ve spent my life being so certain, so sure of everything. I’ve known my duties. I’ve known my place. Last night…” He heaves a long sigh, pulling my hand onto his lap to clasp it between his hands. “Last night, something changed. Something inside me shifted, and I’m finding it difficult to explain what or how or why. My duties remain the same, my responsibilities, my devotion to my country. And yet, it seems that everything else has changed.”
My shoulders drop and my eyes fall closed again. I know I can’t abandon him now, no matter how much I might want to run from this situation. If what he’s saying is true—if he chose me when he was at the depths of despair—it changes everything for me, too. And it makes it desperately difficult to tell him the truth about myself. That if he does decide for some reason to choose me, he won’t be able to have everything he wants. He won’t be able to fulfill those duties he’s always talking about. Not because I don’t want him to, but because I can’t.
“My father will come around. I’ve never done a thing in my life to betray his trust. I’ve been dutiful, loyal… I’ve been the perfect son. And for too long. I didn’t realize until last night that my life was not truly my own.”
I open my eyes and turn my gaze to him, but he’s looking down at the ground. I still don’t know what to say. How to tell him he’s making a mistake.
“He loves my mother. He chose her. He may not have grown up with the same responsibilities or the same expectations as I did, but he’ll come to understand that our situations are very much the same.”
“But they aren’t.” I’m not sure how I manage to find my voice, but there it is. “They aren’t the same at all, Andrew.”
“I know. I forced this ridiculous pageant upon the palace. Upon my family. Upon you. It was a mistake, and if I could have seen that I already had a perfect woman right in front of me, I could have avoided wasting so much time.”
I pull my arm away from him. “But I am not a perfect woman. Not even close.”
He turns to me with a small smile. “I know that, Victoria, much as you know I am not a perfect man. But we are perfect for each other. We belong together.” He laces his fingers together. “We fit together. I’ve never known anything like this in my life. And I realize it is early in our courtship. I understand that you may not be as ready as I am to move on to the next step in our relationship—”
“And what exactly would that be?” I stand up and turn to face him, crossing my arms over my chest. “What is the next step supposed to be?”
He smiles. “We have no need to rush anything, Victoria. But when we are ready, we should announce an engagement. It might be best—”
“I…I’m not ready for that. I mean, last night I thought you were marrying someone else.” I wave my arm in the direction of the palace. “I thought you had dumped me for your second cousin. I thought—”
He frowns. “I’m sorry.” He stands up and slides his arms around my waist, pulling my head against his chest. “I’m so sorry for putting you through all this.”
I blink a few times before I pull away to look into his eyes. “And I believe you. I do. And I want to help you, Andrew. I want us both to be helped—”
“And we can help each other. Do you not believe there is a reason for our only being able to sleep with the other? Do you not believe there is a reason we can only find comfort in the other’s arms?” His smile falls and his brow furrows slightly. “I’ve not been with as many women as Leopold has, Victoria. Not even a fraction as many. But I can say with a great amount of certainty that I have never felt the way about a woman as I feel about you. I’ve never felt anything remotely similar to what I feel for you.”
“Please don’t do this, Andrew. I can’t—”
“But we can, Victoria. Together. Together, you and I can rule this land. You’ll help me become the king I was born to be. The man I was meant to be. The father I need to be.”
My heart stops beating for a second at his words. My stomach twists into a hard knot—how can I do this to him now? How can I do this to him at all?
I did it again. I waited too long. And it’s going to bite me in the ass—and so much harder this time. Because as much as I might not really want to admit it to myself, I feel the same way about him. About how we fit together. About how this is right—for the first time in my life, something finally feels right.
I could love him—I might already love him. I could be his wife—I could probably even learn how to be a queen, though the thought of that is still honestly terrifying. But I can’t give him the other thing—the thing he seems to think he needs most. And it seems like it would be better to end things now—to rip the bandage off in one fell swoop—than to drag it out or pretend I can ever be something that I know I never can.
The mother of his children.
“I…” I can barely get my words out, my throat is so thick with guilt. “I should go, Andrew. I’m the cause of all this…mess. If I hadn’t been here…” My words are starting to feel choked with sobs and I have to stop talking.
He pulls my hands into his and looks deeply into my eyes. “You are not the cause of anything, Victoria. This has been brewing between my father and I since my birth, if I’m being completely honest. It was time for me to stand up for myself. For my right to live as my own man. And as my own man, the first thing I want to claim is you. When I was up on the tower last night, the only thing that kept me from allowing myself to fall over the edge was thinking about how I wanted to be the man you deserve.”
Tears fill my eyes and I let out a choked sob. “Andrew—”
He smiles, gazing into my eyes. “It’s true, Victoria. You’ve changed me. It’s been you. It was always you.”
I shake my head. “No. It isn’t me. I wish it was—I swear to God, if I could wish for anything, I would wish I was. But I’m not—”
“But you are—”
I shake my head again. “I am not. Not the woman you think I am. I can’t be a queen. And…and…”
He reaches out and cups my cheek with his hand. “I know it will be difficult. But you’ll have me. You’ll have my mother. And you’ll have the people of Montovia.” He smiles again, letting out a long breath. “And believe me, Victoria, when you provide me with an heir, they’ll be very forgiving. They’ll forget about everything else that’s happened—”
“I can’t. I can’t, though, don’t you see?” My eyes fill with tears again and even though I try to blink them back, they start to fall down my cheeks.
His brow furrows as he swipes away a tear from my face with his thumb. “I don’t understand, Victoria. What—?”
I grab his wrist and look into his eyes before my eyes fall closed. “I…can’t…” I want to finish it. I need to finish it. But I can’t get the words out. I can’t be the mother of your children.
He tilts his head. “Victoria?”
I shake my head, unable to meet his gaze. I stand there frozen for a minute, not sure what I want to do. Not sure what I even can do.
He winces, his voice dropping an octave. “Victoria?”
I can’t look up at him. And I can’t say anything to make it better, either. So I turn around.
And I run.
Andrew
She slips away from me so quickly that I don’t have the chance to grab her. To do anything but stand there, stunned. I’ve just confessed the true depths of my feelings for her. She means everything—everything—to me. And she responded by running away.
She’s afraid. You’ve moved too fast. Said too much too soon. I thought this was what she wanted—to know once and for all that I could not marry anyone but her. After everything I’ve put her through, she deserves to hear such words. She deserves everything I have to give.
And I’m not going to let her run away.
&
nbsp; I chase after her, hurrying down the path in the direction she fled. She has a good head start on me, but I’m fast—I’m certain I can catch her.
But the hedges are tall here. And the path twists and turns, making it impossible to look very far ahead. I don’t see Victoria anywhere.
“Victoria!” I call.
There’s no response.
I stop, listening carefully. But I don’t hear any footsteps. And I definitely don’t hear her calling back to me.
I turn slowly. She ran away from the palace, so I don’t think she would have gone back to her rooms. The gymnasium is on the other side of the grounds, so I suspect she wasn’t heading there either.
It’s possible she just wanted to get away—that she didn’t have a particular destination in mind. Still, I find myself being drawn in the direction of the gardener’s cottage. If she’s heading anywhere, it’s there.
I stride down the path, silently cursing at myself.
You’ve spent the last few weeks telling her that a commoner could never be queen. Telling her indirectly that she wasn’t “good enough” to be my wife. It’s no wonder she’s frightened and intimidated by the prospect. I’ve brought this upon myself—and I know she and I have plenty to speak about when I find her.
Her words still echo in my head: I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I have to make her see that she’s exactly what this country needs—exactly what I need to be the best king I can be.
My heart thuds when I reach the cottage. I throw open the door, ready to take her in my arms and assure her that she needn’t be afraid. That’s she’s perfect just as she is.
But the cottage is empty. I check the bedroom and the bathroom just in case, but she’s nowhere to be seen. I frown, returning to the front room and sinking onto the sofa. I’ll wait here all day if I have to. I don’t care how long it takes. I will wait for her to calm down and come find me again. We’ll talk, I’ll reassure her, and then everything will be all right again.