by Vi Keeland
“Guess that explains you looking like you haven’t slept in two days.”
“I just need to know if she found a new place to rent. I found a small house to lease down in Atlanta. Dave Monroe is going to join me part time here, taking over some of the work that my clients won’t care if I don’t handle personally. Between that and working remotely, I’m thinking I can come back twice a month for a few days instead of the back and forth every week. There’s no reason she can’t stay here. It would be easy to avoid me.”
“So you’re really doing it? Going to leave your practice and move to Atlanta?”
“What choice do I have? I’ll appeal, but there’s no guarantee it’ll change anything. Beck feels the limbo I’m in. I can’t live in a hotel room—he’ll never settle without being able to have his own place to sleep and keep his things. He needs to feel like he’s at home, that I’m there if he needs me—school events, doctor’s appointments. He just made a pee-wee hockey team. What would I do when his games were on days I was in New York every week? Plus, I can’t go back and forth fifty two times a year, cramming forty hours of work in two days. It’s tough after a while.”
“How long is the lease at the house you found?”
“A year.” My shoulders slumped. “Figure it’ll take nine months before I even get a date for oral arguments on my custody appeal.”
“You sign it yet?”
“Not yet. Meeting with the landlord when I go back down at the end of the week.”
“Good. Give me a few more days.”
“For what?”
“I got a guy down in Atlanta working on something for me.”
“Do I even want to know?”
Roman smiled. “Fuck no. Then you can’t be implicated.”
It was the first time I’d laughed since…I wasn’t sure when. That was Roman—a man with a plan who always had my back.
“Well, whatever it is, thanks.”
“So what do you want done on Emerie? Just tail her? How about a hint on what I’m looking for?”
“I just need to know she’s okay. See if she found office space and if it’s in a safe neighborhood.”
Roman raised a brow. “So you don’t want me to find out if she’s fucking someone?”
I clenched my jaw so hard I nearly cracked a tooth. “No. If you find that out, don’t even tell me that shit. Especially if it’s that asshole Baldwin—because he’ll just screw her over.”
“Like you?”
“What the hell does that mean? I didn’t screw her over. I got screwed over. I’m doing what’s best for her.”
Roman stood. “Not gonna fight with you, buddy. I’ll tail her if that’s what you want. But maybe you should ask yourself if what’s best for Emerie might be letting her make her own decision on how to handle your relationship.”
Emerie
“You were amazing,” Baldwin said from the doorway.
I looked up from packing my lecture materials. “How long have you been standing there?”
“I caught the last five minutes.”
“You’re being kind. I was a nervous wreck.”
He smiled. “It gets easier. But seriously, it didn’t show.”
Two days ago Baldwin had called to say one of the department’s TAs had to leave unexpectedly and asked if I wanted to fill in. It would practically assure me the adjunct faculty position I was interviewing for tomorrow, so I agreed, even though I had zero desire to do anything these days. Getting out of bed was an effort.
After I finished packing, I walked to the door. “Are you heading to a class?”
“Nope. Just finished grading papers and wanted to check in on you. How about some lunch? There’s a great little bistro a few blocks away that makes the best ahi tuna salad.”
For the last month, I’d been avoiding Baldwin out of deference to Drew, but there was no reason to do that anymore. Even though I wasn’t much in the mood for company, I knew locking myself in my apartment and being sad wasn’t really healthy.
“Sure. I’d love to.”
Baldwin and I ate lunch outside next to the heat lamps since it was a beautiful afternoon. At one point, I got up to go the ladies’ room, and I spotted a man sitting in a car parked half a block down. The car was at my back while I was eating, so I had no idea how long it had been there, but I could have sworn the man inside was Roman. After we finished lunch, I looked for the car again, but it was already gone.
Later in the day, after running my afternoon errands, I went home to do an online counseling session. I couldn’t even open the front door all the way because my apartment was crammed with office furniture. It probably wasn’t the smartest idea to leave before finding new space, but I just couldn’t stay there anymore. Even when Drew wasn’t around, all I could think about was him. I’d thought ridding myself of having to see the desk we’d had sex on and the copy room we’d first met in would help me think about him less. Unfortunately, my thoughts traveled with me instead of staying behind at the office.
While I was setting up my laptop so my patients wouldn’t see the crazy room full of office furniture, a knock came at my door. I hated that I got my hopes up, thinking maybe it was Drew. I was confused when I saw Roman through my peephole.
I opened the door. “Roman?”
He stood gripping the top of the doorway. “I’ve been instructed to tail you.”
“I thought I saw you at the restaurant today.”
“Can I come in? I won’t take up much of your time.”
“Ummm…sure. Of course. But I should warn you, the place is a mess. I moved my office into my tiny apartment and have no place to put anything, so it’s basically taken over my living room.” I opened the door as wide as I could, and Roman came in. “Can I get you something to drink?”
He held up his hand. “I’m good.”
There were piles of files all over the couch. I started to collect them to make room for him to sit.
“Do you want to have a seat? Get comfortable so you can tell me why you’re following me?”
He chuckled. “Sure.”
I sat down on my office chair across from him and waited for him to begin.
“Drew asked me to tail you. He claims he wants to make sure your new office is in a safe neighborhood.”
“And what if it wasn’t? What’s he going to do with that information?”
Roman shrugged. “Shit don’t always make sense when a man’s in love.”
“In love? Did you miss the part where he dumped me?”
“Never thought I’d say this about my best friend. Known the man since elementary school, and he’s always had balls of steel, but he’s afraid.”
“Of what?”
“Of falling in love. Mother cheated on his father and took off when he was a kid. Wife lied to him about the kid she was pregnant with being his, then continued to screw the baby daddy after they were married. He fell in love with that little boy, then she took being a father away from him. Also gets reminded day in and day out at work how few relationships make it—especially ones where the couples don’t spend time together. Finally found some good in his life with you. I hate to see him throw that away because he’s too afraid to take a chance. Did he even tell you the judge let Alexa stay in Atlanta, and he’s moving there?”
“No.”
There was an ache in my chest. The way he’d ended things made a little more sense now. A part of me could understand why Drew would be skeptical that things could work between us. His past had pretty much taught him that when you fall in love, it gets taken away. But that didn’t excuse what he’d done. Whether he was justified or not didn’t change the fact that he hadn’t even tried to fight for us. He hadn’t even told me what was happening.
“I’m sorry for what he’s going through, Roman. None of it is fair to him. But even if it were true that he still cared about me, what could I do about it? I can’t make him unafraid. He didn’t even want to try. That tells me I wasn’t worth the risk to him. I need t
o be worth more than that.”
Roman nodded. “I get it. It’s just…I saw you with that professor today at lunch.”
“Baldwin and I are friends. Yes, we have history—or I should say I have a history of feelings for Baldwin. But I fell in love with Drew, and that taught me that the feelings I thought I had for Baldwin weren’t ever really love. Because it was never like this with Baldwin—what I have for Drew is at a different level.”
Roman smiled. “You said have, not had.”
“Of course. I can’t turn off feelings just because I was hurt. It’s going to take effort to move on from Drew.”
“Do me a favor? Don’t start trying too hard yet. I’m still holding out hope my friend is going to pull his head out of his ass.”
Drew
I don’t sweat.
I’ve stood up in court and flown by the seat of my pants when a witness changed his testimony and a judge was staring down his nose at me—nothing. Yet somehow, today I had to blot my forehead, and the paper napkin stuck to my sweaty palms.
Why did I have to do this today? I wasn’t ready. Beck wasn’t ready. But that wouldn’t stop my ex-wife. She’d threatened to tell Beck when I returned him later tonight if I didn’t, and though she wasn’t a woman of her word, I was certain she’d make good on this threat.
It was the second time in as many weeks that I was channeling my father. Rip the Band-Aid off was his favorite cliché. I only hoped my son’s face didn’t look anything like Emerie’s did when I broke things off.
I turned to Beck, who was belly laughing watching cartoons, and looked at my watch. Shit. I was out of time to stall.
“Beck? Buddy? I need to talk to you about something before you go back to Mommy’s tonight. Do you think you can turn off the TV?”
He turned to me, such a sweet, easygoing boy. “Okay, Daddy.”
After he got up and grabbed the remote from the desk, he sat back down and turned, giving me his full attention. My mouth was suddenly dry, making it hard to speak. There was no easy way to break this to a kid, no matter how I padded it.
“Is everything okay? You look like I do before I barf.” Beck stood. “Do you want me to get you a bucket like you do for me when I barf?”
I laughed nervously. “No, buddy. I don’t need a bucket.” At least I don’t think I do. “Sit down. It’s about me being your daddy.”
His face fell. “Are you not going to be my daddy anymore? Is that why you won’t take me home to your house?”
I might need that bucket after all. “Oh, God. Nothing like that at all. I’m never going to stop being your daddy. But…” Fuck it, here it goes. “But some kids are lucky and have more than two parents.”
His eyes lit up. “Are you going to marry Emerie?”
Jesus. That hurt on so many levels. “I don’t think that’s going to happen, Beck. No.”
He was getting excited and went off track. “Because Mikayla from school has a stepmom. Her parents are divorced like you and Mommy, and now she has two mommies.”
“No. Well, yes. No. Sort of. The thing is…I’m actually your stepdad.”
“So I have two dads?” He scrunched up his nose.
“You do. When you were born, your mom and I were married. I didn’t know you weren’t my…” I felt the words start to bubble in my throat and had to clear it a few times to fight off showing how upset I was. I needed Beck to know what I was telling him would have no effect on our relationship, and my crying wouldn’t send the right message.
I started again. “I didn’t know you weren’t…my son, biologically, until years after you were born.”
“If you’re not my blogical dad, then who is?”
“It’s a man named Levi. Mom says you’ve met him already a few times.”
His eyes lit up. “The race car driver?”
I was emotionally conflicted. While it sucked for me that he was excited about that asshole being related to him, if it made it easier for him to accept the news, I was all for that.
“Yes. The race car driver.”
“He drives a cool car! It’s got a hood scoop, and it’s loud.”
I forced a smile. “Your mom is going to have you start to get to know Levi. But it doesn’t mean that anything is going to change between you and me.”
He thought about everything I’d said for a moment, then asked, “Do you still love me?”
Beck might be almost seven and starting to get too cool to hold my hand as he walked into school, but all bets were off now. I hoisted him onto my lap and spoke directly into his eyes. “I love you more than anything in this world.”
“So you’re not leaving me because I have a new dad?”
“No, Beck. I’d never leave you. People don’t leave when they love someone. They stick around forever. That’s why I’m moving to Atlanta. Your mom brought you down here, and I go where you go.”
“Did my blogical dad not love me, and that’s why we lived in New York?”
Jesus. He had some tough questions.
“I know it’s confusing, but Levi didn’t know you were his son when you were born. So he didn’t get a chance to know you. Now that he knows, he’s gonna love you too, I’m sure.”
I realized it was time I sat down and had a talk with Levi to make sure my son would be the priority he needed to be. If he was going to be part of his life, he’d better not be a disappointment.
“Will he live here, too?”
“I’m not sure, buddy.”
“But you said people don’t leave when they love someone. So he’ll only leave if he doesn’t love me?”
God, I was fucking this up royally.
“Sometimes you have to leave physically when you love someone, like maybe for work, but you figure out other ways to still be with them every day. When I said people don’t leave when they love someone, I didn’t mean they had to be there in person every single day. You just have to get more creative to find ways to be together when you can’t be there in person. Like you and I did the last month when I had to go back to New York to work.”
“Like FaceTiming with Mom’s iPhone?”
“Exactly.”
“Like Snapchatting?”
“I’m not up on that one. But if you say so.”
Beck nodded and was silent for a while.
It was a lot to take in, especially for a kid his age. To this day, I could barely process it.
“You have any questions, bud?”
“Do I still get to call you Dad?”
My heart dropped. “Yes, you definitely do. I’m always going to be your dad.”
“What will I call Levi then?” The thought of my son calling another man Dad was physically painful. But my own pain didn’t matter.
“I’m sure you, Mom, and Levi will figure that out eventually.”
A few minutes later, Beck asked if he could turn his cartoons back on. He seemed no worse for the wear. I, on the other hand, felt like I’d just done ten rounds in a heavyweight fight with my hands tied behind my back. I was mentally and physically exhausted.
That night, after I dropped Beck back with Alexa, I laid in my bed at the hotel, replaying our conversation over and over. It was important to me that I stood behind the things I’d said to my son today. Kids learned more from what parents did than what they said. I needed to show him I was here for the long haul, especially because I couldn’t control what Levi and Alexa did.
As I attempted to fall asleep, one thing kept nagging at the back of my mind and wouldn’t let me settle. It was something I’d said. While I believed the words to be true, if I was being honest with myself, I wasn’t exactly living up to my own edict. And it had nothing to do with my son.
People don’t leave when they love someone. They stick around forever.
The following morning, my unsettled feeling had sprouted. The root had been there for the last few weeks, but since my talk with Beck, it had grown like a vine and taken up residence in my stomach, my head. And it had coiled around my heart
so tightly I could barely breathe.
I had to drag myself out of bed so I could get to the airport for my flight. In the back of the cab, I checked my departure time and fidgeted. I knew myself, how I could obsess over shit, and I needed to know. Finally giving in, I texted Roman at five in the morning.
Drew: Is she seeing someone?
As always, he responded within a few minutes. He was the only person I knew who required less sleep than I did.
Roman: Thought I wasn’t supposed to tell you that part.
Drew: Just tell me.
Roman: You sure you can handle it?
Jesus Christ. I wasn’t actually so sure I could. If he was asking, it wasn’t good.
Drew: Tell me.
Roman: The neighbor is moving in on her. Sent her some flowers—huge thing of yellow roses. Also took her out to lunch the other day at some fancy place with a big price tag and stupid, tiny food.
Fuck.
Drew: Anything else?
Roman: Started tailing him a bit. Took some woman to dinner last night. Tall. Great legs. Halfway through dinner it looked like they had an argument. She pulled some dramatic shit, standing and throwing the napkin on the table, then stormed off. Think he might have dumped her.
The unsettled feeling in my gut was there for a goddamn reason. I was going to lose her forever if I didn’t get my head out of my ass. Pulling up to the airport, I typed one last text to my friend before exiting the cab.
Drew: Thanks, Roman.
He immediately typed back.
Roman: Go get her. About fucking time.
I was almost as nervous as I’d been yesterday when I had to break the news to Beck. But there was also something different about the way I felt. Determined. No matter what it took, I was going to make Emerie forgive me and give me another chance. I’d fucked up—I could place blame on a million experiences in my life, but the truth of the matter was I’d fucked up. And I was about to start fixing it.
There was an out of order sign in front of two of the elevators in her building. I stood in front of the lone functioning one, tapping my foot as I watched the numbers come down over the doors. It stuck on nine for thirty seconds, then stopped at eight for just as long. I don’t have time for this. I’d already wasted enough time. Looking around, I saw the sign for the stairs and broke into a jog. My heart pounded as I took them two at a time up to the third floor.