Tonight was the first step to changing that.
I just needed courage and trust.
And Carlos has never seemed to me to be the least bit shallow. I don't think he'd turn away from me.
Right?
I gnawed on my lower lip as I zhooshed my hair again. I’d let it free. It had volume but was playful.
The secret is to toss your hair forward and spray the underside with styling hairspray. Flip your hair back and enjoy.
You're welcome.
With one last critical look in the mirror, I bolstered my non-existent self-confidence and made my way out slowly.
My bare feet were quiet on the cool marble floors. The wisps of wind made the sheer curtain panels delicately float. When they settled for a second, I saw him.
He was magnificent.
Carlos was wearing black boxers and was looking out into the vast darkness of the ocean night. His feet were bare, too. His muscular calves and thighs were sure and solid. His back reflected a multitude of honed muscles.
Perfection.
His right shoulder blade displayed a wolf so detailed, it looked like a 3D photo. It was drawn in black ink with glowing blue eyes that seemed to follow me as I walked.
Loyalty.
Perseverance.
Intelligence.
Instinctual.
Success.
All qualities wolves personified.
All qualities Carlos possessed.
I couldn’t see it now since he was turned away, but the Zambrano daggered “Z” was on the right side of his neck, where the men of his family displayed the marking.
No wonder I’d not seen it when we had our one-night stand. It wasn't towards the front of his neck like Roman’s but more to the side. The collar of his dress shirt still would've hidden it even with the first few buttons undone.
He had other tattoos on his body, arms, and hands.
Tattoos I wanted to lick.
My eyes returned to the darkness beyond us.
It was scary how alone we were here. If it weren't for the experienced staff and guards, I'm not sure I would feel safe.
And Carlos, of course.
I always felt safe with him.
That should've been my sign all along. How could I doubt him if I felt so safe with him?
The wind billowed the sheers again. I slowly walked to the edge of the massive bed to my left.
All of the glass door paneling had been slid to the sides like an accordion so that the room was completely open to our private deck.
I closed my eyes and inhaled the fragrant salty air of the Caribbean. The sound of the ocean waves softly hitting the yacht was relaxing. The mellow swooshing was entrancing. It wasn't a choppy sea tonight.
When I opened my eyes, he was staring at me.
My eyes roamed from his powerful, strong legs to his chiseled abdomen to his handsome face.
To his smoldering eyes devouring me.
The uncertainty between us was tangible, but the magnetic pull was stronger.
I was the one to take the first step. Slowly, I walked to him and stood before him. On bare feet, Carlos was immensely taller than me.
A giant.
And I loved it.
My hand reached out to his chest, over his heart. His skin was warm.
I swallowed.
“Caridad. You look beautiful.”
His hand gently touched my cheek and then my hair, to my bare shoulder where there was the thin black strap of my negligee.
My exhale was as shaky as the beat of my heart was irregular. I bit my lower lip and looked up into his eyes.
He laid his hand over mine, where I felt the steady, solid beat of his heart.
“You don’t need to be scared. It’s me. You know me. Now feel me. Breathe with me.”
I slowed my breathing to his, our eyes locked.
“Will you give yourself to me? Every part of you? Will you entrust your heart, body, and soul to me?”
I felt the baritone of his voice rumble in his chest beneath my fingers as my ears heard the words he uttered.
Carlos stepped closer as the wind picked up a bit. The white sheer curtains floated around us. My hair wisped on my shoulders and on my back. His hair ruffled a bit.
The moment was surreal.
“Will you make love with me? Will you allow my body to love yours?”
This was it.
This was me jumping off the cliff of safety into the dark vastness below trusting that the parachute of us would catch me.
And help me land safely.
Whole.
Unbroken.
Slowly, I took the step I'd never taken before, metaphorically and literally.
With one step, I met him.
The space between us was gone.
I was ready.
I was going to leap for the first time in my life.
I was going to trust another person with my fragile heart- with all of its cracks, with all of the tape holding it haphazardly together.
I was going to let this man cradle my heart and have his love repair the fractures of loss.
My eyes caressed his face and I reached up and placed my hands on his shoulders. They glided up towards his cheeks and the magnificent beauty of his masculine face.
Those eyes, so like the wolf’s on his shoulder, were hauntingly beautiful- filled with intelligence, strength, and loyalty.
Safety.
I stared at him for a long moment before saying-
“I want to make love with you, Carlos.”
My lips brushed a kiss between his pecks.
“Love me.”
26
Carlos
Kiss Me,
Ed Sheeran
“Love me.”
My breath held.
I stood there reading her eyes and seeing nothing other than desire.
Cari looked beautiful. She could wear anything and make it look good. In this lingerie, she was making my blood rush south. I was captivated.
Enchanted.
“You're ready?”
Her eyes didn't waver.
“I want to give you every part of me.”
She paused and I knew there was more. She looked away and then her eyes returned to mine, heavier.
“Just please,” she swallowed and I saw some fear register in her eyes. I grew concerned.
“Please don't break me, Carlos. I don't think my heart can take another fissure. Not from you.”
From me?
Was it more serious if it were caused by me versus anyone else?
Did that mean her feelings for me ran as deep as mine for her?
I fucking grabbed her and brought her into the fold of my arms. I couldn't speak for a moment, I was so choked up.
“I will never let anything happen to you. Never. I will never break your heart.”
My voice shook with emotion.
“Don't leave me.”
I closed my eyes. Kissing her forehead, I pulled back again.
“Baby, I would never willingly leave you. I will care for you, keep you safe. I will do everything to make sure you are never broken or harmed again.”
She nuzzled her face against my chest.
I felt her exhale before I felt her tongue along my skin. My hands cupped the back of her neck as I felt her nip at my chest.
“Cari.”
She kissed upwards and stood on her toes to reach higher. Bracing her hands on my shoulders, I felt her jump up. My arms automatically reached to have her legs wrap around me.
Cari continued to kiss a path to my neck.
“God, baby, it's been so long. I need you.”
She looked up at me, eyes hazy and lips moist.
“I need you, too.”
Groaning, I took us to the bed. Placing her gently on the sheets, I reached over and grabbed a long strip of condoms. Cari took them and threw them across the room.
“I'm on the pill.”
At my raised eyebrows, she explained.
“I began taking them in anticipation of the night I’d share my body and heart with you.”
I would've given her a smile if my goddamned dick didn't nearly erupt at the thought of entering Cari without barrier.
“What is it?”
I got on the bed next to her.
Hovering my upper body over her, I nuzzled her neck.
“You've turned me on to the point that my cock is going to come without you.” I leaned back to her smile. “And I can’t let that happen.”
She laughed as I began kissing her neck again. Her laughter morphed to a groan.
“Can I take your lingerie off?”
I heard her exhale a quick breath and swallow. Eyes locking with hers, she nodded her head.
“Yes.”
Slowly, I took it off her. I noticed then patches of scars on her right side. Her belly was smooth but the scarring began on her right hip.
I kissed them and heard her gasp. I continued to caress and kiss them, hearing Cari gasp and exhale.
I knew these were big steps for her, but it wasn't until that moment that I really understood.
She was giving her body and heart unreservedly to me, on a level of intimacy that she'd never before allowed. And she was exposing her body like she never had because of fear of her scars.
I'd known for a while how deep my feelings for her were but the last thing I'd wanted was to scare her again like I had the other day with those words.
But I couldn't keep them silent any longer.
“I love you, Caridad. I will treasure you always, as the beautiful delicate flower you are.”
Her mouth formed a “O” and her eyebrows furled over tearing eyes.
As she moved upwards to kiss me, I noticed that she hadn't returned my words. It was alright; I'd give her time.
And those thoughts receded as her tongue touched mine.
The fire between us lit.
It had been too long since my hands had followed her curves and my mouth had kissed her skin.
So I did.
“Carlos.”
Her neck arched as my teeth grazed her column.
Her fingers wove into my hair, holding me in place. Slowly, I kissed a path down to her stomach and then to her mound.
“No.”
“Yes,” I growled.
The first touch of my tongue against her made me moan and her shout.
“Oh God, I'm going to be too loud.”
Licking her slit, I told her, “Be loud. The guards are on the other side for tonight.”
I licked and nipped again before prodding her with my tongue, and she bucked, screaming.
“Fuck, Cari.”
I was going to cum on the sheets if she kept this up.
“It's been too long without you. I haven't even touched myself.”
I went crazy at her words.
I spread her legs wider and ate her out.
“Carlos!”
My tongue went in and licked her before I withdrew it. I began fucking her with my tongue.
“Oh. My. God.”
My hands grabbed her ass and drew her in tighter to my mouth.
“I'm going to cum.”
Her voice was breathless.
My tongue was ruthless.
Back arching, breath catching, she came.
Hard.
Her yell was loud as fuck.
Jesus Christ, I could cut steel with my dick right now.
I kissed a path upwards.
Licking her nipples, they puckered in my mouth. Groaning, I filled my mouth with one breast and heard her yell. My hands skimmed the skin at her waist, caressing her.
“Carlos, I need you in me. Now.”
My mouth and tongue kissed upwards to her neck. When I bit her, her body arched.
“Now!”
Laughing, I braced myself on my arms and looked down at her.
Her face was flushed and her eyes were cloudy with passion. Spreading her legs wide, I positioned myself at her entrance.
“Making love is so much more than orgasming. It's feeling every beat of our hearts. It’s touching and feeling and giving and loving. It's connecting our minds and bodies, as they acquaint and know each other on a level no one else will know.”
I intertwined our fingers and brought them to my mouth.
“I love you, Caridad. I love your beautiful body. Your beautiful soul. Your intelligent mind. I love all of you, baby.”
Moving upwards to kiss my mouth, she whispered, “Take me. I'm yours. All of me.”
She nuzzled her nose on mine and I lost it. Her words were unexpected, humbling, and empowering.
Surging within her, she screamed. Head thrown back, her eyes collided with mine.
“Love me.”
And I did.
It was hard to control my pace, but I did. The tightness of her channel squeezed me and it was happening too fast.
But we had all night.
“Faster.”
She clawed at my back, as my pace remained the same.
“You feel amazing.”
“Faster, Carlos. You're killing me.”
I brought one of her hands up and kissed it as I continued to pump into her.
“Slow and easy, baby.”
27
Cari
Ready to Love Again,
Lady Antebellum
I groaned. “Faster.”
I was in a state of euphoria. The slow building let the swirling emotions I had in me run rampant. I looked up at Carlos and he was watching me. His eyes reflected love and the deep passion he barely had under control. His chin was solid and clenching.
“Feel us, caramelo. Feel our souls touching. The slow ascension together into the bliss of our love.”
I studied him. Truly studied him.
Why had I denied what was between us for so long?
Because you're scared to lose him.
I was braver now.
At least, I'd like to think so.
I was hurting myself by avoiding what was between us in order to avoid the agony of losing him.
It didn't make sense.
I wouldn't do it anymore.
Arching up, my lips found his and our tongues played. My hands went to his beautiful dark hair to the nape of his neck where I loved to stroke him.
This was the first time in my life that I had opened myself up to making love with a man. I was opening myself up to feel more than the assuage of physical lust.
I was opening my heart to give and to receive.
To love.
His love.
My throat was thick as I stared into the forever of his eyes. I reached up again and kissed him lovingly. I made my way down to his neck and shoulders, hearing him groan.
Next to his ear, I whispered, “You have my heart.”
He rested his forehead against mine and continued to thrust.
We moaned at that moment.
“I love you, baby. All of you.”
Intense.
It was the only way to describe what was between us.
Our mouths fused together as he continued thrust and withdraw. The spark of bliss was forming and I felt the delicious strength of it build. Moaning, I deepened our kiss.
Carlos growled.
“That's it baby.”
My fingers tore down his back until I grabbed his ass. I pushed him down and I thrusted my hips up and we both shouted.
“I'm almost there.”
My voice was not mine. This woman did not sound like me.
Our eyes were locked. His hips slammed against mine.
“Come for me, Cari. Squeeze me baby. You feel so damn good.”
His pace quickened, the feeling was amazing. I felt myself tighten around him.
Pump.
Pump
Pump.
My back arched.
And then it was like I ran and jumped off a cliff, free-floating in silence, everything suspended for a moment.
Quiet.
Only our labored breathing was heard from afar.
“Look at me baby, when you come.”
Eyes locked, our world exploded.
And then euphoria slammed into me making scream as I'd never had before.
“Carlos!!”
And then I felt him explode. His roar of completion was purely masculine with the roll of hoarse baritone causing goosebumps on my skin.
My skin was sensitive. All of my senses were elevated.
Gently, as we slowly rushed to earth, me in the safe cocoon of his arms, he took my face and caressed me with adoring eyes.
Holding my palm to his chest, he said, “I love you, Caridad, as I have never loved and will never love, another.”
My free hand softly slid across his chest to his cheek.
I love you, Carlos, as I have never loved another, or will ever love another. I trust you as I have never trusted another, or ever will.
Those goddamned words wouldn't leave my head. My mouth wouldn't form them.
My breath shuddered and I hid my face in his chest.
I whimpered.
Leaning down, he kissed me lovingly. He nuzzled my cheek.
“I understand, my angel.”
But I didn't.
28
Cari
Island Time,
Dan + Shay
I really hadn't ever gone on a vacation. Izzy and I were Type A workaholics. But the two days that followed that special night were utterly wonderful.
We didn't leave our suite until midday next day- not that we had to. The master retreat had a kitchen.
Carlos would call the chef for meals and they'd be left for us outside the suite door.
Seriously, can we get anymore spoiled?
We’d loved each other's bodies so many times, I’d lost count.
Slow.
Fast.
Hard.
Loving.
The old proverbs and adages about opening yourself up to love and give love, so that you could receive it, was true. It wasn't easy, especially if you had a past like mine. I’d used my history of loss as a bubble to prevent further hurt. In the process, I’d prevented goodness and experiences from entering into my life.
I wouldn't do that to myself anymore. I wouldn't further damage myself by isolating my heart from people, love, and life.
Carlos: A Zambrano Family Novel Page 14