“How come you’re here and not out with Chrissy?”
Rachel flinched. The color drained from her face. “Chrissy?” She said the word without emotion but Joseph could see the alarm in her eyes and the quick rise and fall of her chest.
“Ach, nobody.”
“Nobody?” Abner laughed and shook his head. “That girl’s a perfect ten.”
“Chrissy?” Rachel repeated in a small voice.
“She’s nobody,” Joseph repeated.
“You sure spend a lot of time with nobody then.”
Joseph swallowed. He didn’t mean that she was nobody. He meant that she was nobody to him. He had not realized that before. And now it was too late. Rachel would never believe him now. “She’s an English girl. We hang out sometimes.”
Abner laughed. “You’re acting so weird.” He turned to Rachel. “Chrissy’s his girlfriend.”
Joseph frowned and set his plate down. He didn’t feel like eating anymore. “I wouldn’t say that. Yeah, we’ve gone out, but . . . ” Joseph didn’t know what to say. He should have told Rachel that he had been seeing an English girl.
“Gone out?” Abner rolled his eyes. “You’ve been talking about running off with her.”
“No. I’ve been talking about running off, but not with her. Or maybe with her—but that’s not the point. I haven’t been thinking like that in a while. Not since . . . ” He wanted to say “not since I’ve been working with Rachel,” but he didn’t. It was too hard to explain.
Abner clapped his hand on Joseph’s shoulder. “Okay, okay. Calm down. Just telling what I know.”
“Ya. Sorry. It’s just . . . ” Joseph’s voice drifted away. He took off his straw hat and ran his fingers through his hair. What was he trying to say? Everything felt so wrong. Especially when everything had felt so right just a few minutes ago!
“Hey, look over there.” Abner nodded his chin toward a teenage girl in an emerald green dress. She stood alone as she poured a glass of lemonade. “I’ve been trying to get a chance to talk to her all night. See you later.”
Joseph let out a long, hard breath. What was he going to say to Rachel now?
Rachel refused to look at him. She stared at the plate in her lap as if nothing else existed. “I’m sorry, Rachel. I should have said something earlier—”
Rachel’s eyes shot up to Joseph. He could sense the anger and hurt hiding beneath the steady gaze. “Why? It’s none of my business. We just work together, remember?”
Joseph sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. “Right.”
Rachel looked back down at her plate. She picked up the pumpkin whoopie pie and set it down again. “I’m ready to go home.”
“Okay.” Joseph wanted to sink into the dusty wooden floorboards. But he couldn’t tell Rachel that he had begun to see her as more than a friend—it wouldn’t be fair to her. He had to figure out his own future before he could drag someone else into it.
* * *
The night had been one of the best, most exciting of Rachel’s life. Until she learned about Chrissy. Of course Joseph wasn’t interested in her! How foolish she had been! How could she have entertained such a ridiculous notion? Rachel had never felt so humiliated in her life. This was far worse than those lonely days spent in the corner of the one-room schoolhouse. Back then she knew she didn’t fit in. But since Joseph had come into her life again, she had dared to dream. Ha! That was a mistake she wouldn’t make again.
The ride home passed in a haze of hurt and humiliation. The horse’s hooves beat the pavement in a hard, steady rhythm as they trotted down the winding, country lane. Wispy white clouds passed over the moon and sank the fields into darkness. Rachel shivered and pulled the quilt up to her chin.
“You okay? Too cold?” Joseph asked in a gentle voice. His eyes looked concerned. Concerned for a friend, Rachel thought—which only makes it worse. Why couldn’t he be the loud, annoying schoolboy she remembered? That would make everything so much easier!
“I’m fine.”
That was the only conversation they had the entire ride home.
Rachel held back her tears until the front door shut behind her. Ada saw her daughter’s face and flew out of her chair with her knitting needles still in one hand and a gray mitten in the other. “Rachel! What’s wrong? What happened? Are you okay?” Ada turned toward Samuel, who sat in a rocking chair with The Budget in his lap. “I told you she shouldn’t go out like this! She isn’t ready!”
Samuel sighed, set The Budget on the coffee table, and stood up. “Rachel? What has happened?”
“Nothing.” She shook her head. “It’s all right.”
“Clearly, it’s not,” Ada said.
Samuel pulled at his long gray beard and motioned for Rachel to come into the living room. “You best tell us all about it.”
“It’s too embarrassing.”
“Nonsense. We’ll understand.”
Rachel hesitated, but her daed’s calm expression won her over. “Ach, okay. But only because you asked.”
Samuel’s eyes twinkled. “Only because I asked.”
Ada sank back into her chair, set the knitting needles and mitten on the coffee table, and clasped her hands together. “Go on.”
“It’s nothing,” Rachel said, and looked away.
Samuel reached over and put a hand on Rachel’s shoulder. “I bet it doesn’t feel like nothing. I bet it feels like everything.”
“Ya. That’s exactly how it feels. How did you know?”
Samuel smiled. “Because I was young and in love once too.”
“In love!” Rachel and Ada said at the same time. They both looked at each other, then at Samuel.
“Daed! What makes you think . . . ?” Rachel’s voice faded away. She didn’t know what to say. Samuel raised his shoulders a fraction. “Because I’ve seen the way you look at him. And I’ve heard the way he talks about you. When he went on about your plans to sell at the farmers market I knew that boy was smitten.”
“No, Daed, that’s just it. He’s not.”
Ada kept looking from Samuel to Rachel with a confused look on her face. “Joseph and Rachel . . . ?”
“There’s nothing between us, Mamm.”
“You sure about that, Rachel?” Samuel’s face looked kind and thoughtful.
“After tonight, ya.”
“Ah. And now we get to it. What happened?”
“Joseph has been going out with some English girl.”
Samuel nodded and ran his fingers through his beard. “Ya. I’ve heard he’s been running around a lot. And there was that buggy crash too.”
“Ya.” Rachel pressed her hands over her face and shook her head. “But I didn’t know about a girlfriend.”
“This is why I said she shouldn’t go out, Samuel. Look what’s happened. She’s beside herself. I told you she wasn’t ready for this.”
“You said she shouldn’t go out because she wasn’t strong enough. This is something completely different.”
Ada raised her eyebrows and stared at Samuel with a hard expression. “Is it?”
“Ada, this is what you want to happen to our Rachel.”
“It is not!”
“You want her to be well enough to live life, don’t you?” He lifted his hands and dropped them. “Well, this is what living looks like.” Samuel took his wife’s hand and met her gaze. “She’s living, Ada. Really living for the first time in years. Falling in love, getting her heart broken—that’s all part of living. It might not feel good right now, but I thank der Herr that she’s finally living life like everyone else. And that means we have to take the bad with the good, ya?”
A single tear eased out of Ada’s eye and slid down her cheek. She wiped it away in a quick, jerky motion and shook her head. “Ach, Samuel. I don’t know what to say. I never thought of it that way.”
Samuel squeezed her hand. “Time to let her go, Ada. She’s a grown woman with a life of her own.”
Ada let out a long breath and closed h
er eyes. “I can’t make any promises, but I’ll try.”
Samuel smiled. “That’s all anyone can ask.” He turned his attention back to Rachel. “Tell me about this girlfriend.”
“I don’t know anything about her.”
“He’s never mentioned her before?”
“No. But we’re not together, so there’s no reason he would.”
“Hmmmm. We’ll see.”
“Daed! He has a girlfriend.”
“I never heard you say they’re serious. How old is Joseph? Same age as you, right?”
“Ya.”
Samuel nodded. “Boys that age don’t know what they want yet. He’s restless. He doesn’t know what to do. He’ll figure it out. You know, his daed mentioned that he’s settled down a lot since that buggy accident. He could have been killed or killed someone else. I think that shook some sense into him.”
“But what’s that got to do with me?” Rachel looked down. She was tired of this conversation. She wanted to sink into her bed and bury herself under the quilt.
Samuel shrugged and reached for The Budget. “Maybe nothing. Or maybe . . . ” He shrugged again and turned the first page. “Time will tell.” He flipped to the next page and glanced at Rachel over the top of the newspaper. “It depends if Joseph decides to take advantage of a second chance or if he decides to keep heading down the wrong path.”
“I think it has to do with a girl named Chrissy,” Rachel said.
“I think it has very little to do with her.”
“It has everything to do with her!”
Samuel sighed. “Get some sleep. You’ll feel better tomorrow.”
“I have to see Joseph tomorrow! That’s not going to make me feel better.”
“We can tell him the job’s over,” Ada said. “I’ll go down to the Webber place early in the morning before he leaves.”
“No, Ada. Let the girl live her life.” Samuel held up a hand. “She’s got to resolve this herself.”
Ada hesitated. She opened her mouth to speak, then closed it again.
“Good night, Mamm.” Rachel started toward her room.
“I’ll fix your favorite breakfast tomorrow, okay?” Ada called after her.
“Okay.”
Rachel sighed. Not even biscuits and gravy with maple-cured bacon could make this better. Nothing could.
Chapter 8
Joseph flew across a snowy field. Moonlight sparkled over frosted branches and frozen ponds. He knew he should be cold, but he felt comfortably warm and snug as he zipped faster and faster through the air, until a strange beeping sound rose over the horizon and swept in with the snow. It pounded inside his head until he fell out of the dream and into his bedroom.
He slammed his palm onto his bedside table as he searched for the alarm clock. BEEP BEEP BEEP. His hand made contact with a plastic button and the room returned to silence. He sighed and buried his head under his down pillow. The house felt cold and dark. The sun wouldn’t be up for another couple of hours.
“Joseph!” Mamm’s voice drifted up the stairs. “Those cows won’t milk themselves, Son.”
Joseph grunted and forced himself out of bed. He shivered as he threw off the quilt and his bare feet landed on the cool wooden floorboards. I can’t do this for the rest of my life, he thought as he pulled on a pair of work trousers and shrugged into a heavy coat. His daed and bruder loved the farm. They called each cow by name and lingered beside each stall to pet a warm, firm shoulder or scratch behind a velvet-soft ear. He wished he felt the same way.
It wasn’t that Joseph disliked cows. He just wanted something different for his life—something that made him want to get up in the morning. Once again, his thoughts turned to the English world. He could live in the English world forever and never milk another cow.
But what would he do there instead?
He sighed and pushed the thought away. At least he had something to look forward to today—after he milked the cows. He was eager to see if the rosemary he transplanted last week had done well. Maybe he should take Rachel to Bird-in-Hand for supplies. They needed more potting soil and some ribbon to decorate the pots.
Joseph flinched. Rachel wouldn’t want to go anywhere with him today. She wouldn’t want to see him at all. And he couldn’t blame her.
Frosted blades of grass crunched beneath Joseph’s boots as he loped across the yard. Lantern light glowed through the cracks in the barn. He braced himself for his daed’s lecture about being late to the milking. Joseph hesitated at the door, took a deep breath, and slipped inside. The hinges creaked as the familiar, earthy scent of farm animals and hay welcomed him.
Joseph smiled when he saw Eli standing beneath the yellow glow of a propane lantern. His brother, not his father, had beaten him to the barn. “Eli. I thought you were Daed.”
Eli patted the warm, solid side of a cow and grinned. “You got lucky this time.”
“Ya.” Joseph started for the milking machine. He wanted to hurry and get the job done so that he could head over to Rachel’s.
Eli ran his hand up the cow’s neck and scratched behind her ear. She lowered her head and shifted closer to him. “That’s a good girl.” Eli glanced at Joseph. “I think Betsy’s gaining weight. She must be feeling better, ya?” Eli had been worried for weeks over Betsy’s pneumonia. He had even slept in the barn during the worst of it.
“Ya.”
Eli sighed and traced a red spot on Betsy’s coat with his index finger. “I’m getting a job with Onkel.”
“You’re what?” Joseph spun around and stared at Eli.
“I’m leaving.”
Joseph shook his head. “You can’t do that.”
Eli let out a sad little laugh. “Well, I have to find a way to support a family, Joseph. I’m twenty-seven years old and I’m tired of being alone. It’s time I get settled.”
“But you’re the dairy farmer, not me.”
Eli kept his eyes on Betsy. “You know that our profits have been going down for years. This place can’t support all of us forever—especially once I have a wife and kinder.”
“Eli, be sensible. You’re not even engaged.”
“Joseph, I am being sensible.” Eli’s voice sounded soft but firm. “If I want to be engaged I have to start making plans now.”
“But you love it here.”
Eli patted Betsy’s neck. “Ya. I do.”
Joseph’s stomach burned. This was all wrong. “You should stay here. I’ll go.”
Eli turned to face Joseph. He looked very tired. “If you leave you might never come back. I know you won’t be content working for Onkel. I’ve seen how restless and independent you are. I know you hope to find what you’re looking for among the English. But you won’t. The best thing for you is to settle down here and accept your lot in life.”
Joseph opened his mouth, but Eli cut him off. “Besides, you know it’s traditional for the youngest brother to inherit the farm. I can’t wait for Daed to retire like you can. I’m already pushing thirty.”
“Eli.” Joseph ran his fingers through his hair. “Are you leaving because of me?”
Eli gave a sad but genuine smile. “Not because of you. For you.”
“Please don’t.”
“You’ll be thankful someday.” Eli pushed away from the metal bars of Betsy’s stall. “Let’s get the milking done. We shouldn’t make them wait.”
“What if I promise that I’ll work for Onkel?”
Eli squeezed his eyes shut and rubbed them with his thumb and forefinger. “Don’t make promises you can’t keep.”
“Eli, I’m serious.”
Eli stopped. His expression hardened. “I can’t stand to see Mamm so sad all the time. Maybe if I leave you’ll straighten up and realize your place is here. Do you realize how worried she is that you’ll leave us for the English?”
“Please don’t bring Mamm into this.”
“I didn’t.” Eli shook his head. “You did.”
Joseph flinched. He realized what wa
s happening. “You’re trying to force me to stay. If I’m the only one left to take over the farm I won’t be able to leave. You want to trap me here.”
“What else can I do?” Eli stared at him for a few beats before he turned away. His eyes looked sad and distant.
* * *
Rachel stared at the house across the field as an Englisher strung Christmas lights along the porch. Morning fog hovered over the bare ground. In the distance, a tractor roared to life. The neighbors were starting their day. Rachel sighed and turned back to the biscuit and gravy on her plate.
Rachel’s mamm bustled into the kitchen and sailed past the table with a basket of eggs. She stopped when she saw Rachel. “You’re not in your greenhouse yet?”
“No.”
“That isn’t like you.”
Rachel sighed and set down her fork.
“You’ve barely eaten.”
Rachel didn’t answer. She turned her face to the window again, but the woman had gone inside, so Rachel studied a flock of blackbirds instead. They swooped over the rolling hills, skirted the neighbors’ silo, and settled on the roof of a red barn.
“You were right about those chickens.”
“What?” Rachel turned back to her mamm.
Ada held a brown spotted egg in her hand. “Heritage breeds do give better eggs. I love these.”
Rachel managed a half smile. “So you agree that we should get a heritage breed pig? They’re better too.”
Her mamm laughed and set the basket down on the counter. “No. But nice try. We’ll leave the farming to the neighbors who rent our land. Your daed’s got plenty to do down at the harness shop.”
“As a pet. Not a farm animal.”
“Ach, Rachel.”
“Chickens are farm animals, you know.”
“That’s different. Chickens are practical. People in cities keep them nowadays.” Ada opened the pantry and pulled out a canister of flour. “We’ve been over this a hundred times.”
Rachel sighed. “You don’t know what you’re missing.”
Her mamm laughed again. “Oh, I’m pretty sure I know.” She scanned the pantry, stood on her tiptoes, and pulled a sack of sugar from the top shelf. “I’m making gingerbread. Want to help?”
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