Joseph realized his confusion went beyond Chrissy. That familiar restlessness had disappeared for the afternoon. He wondered if the warm, settled feeling that stayed with him during the outing had been contentment. He wasn’t sure because he had never felt that way before.
Joseph swiveled back around and stared at the long, winding road ahead. He wondered what direction his life should take.
* * *
Joseph was supposed to meet Chrissy that weekend, but he didn’t feel up to it. He pulled on his winter coat, stepped into his boots, and pushed open the back door. Frigid air rushed into the kitchen.
“Don’t let the cold in!” his mother shouted from beside the stove, where she stood in her old apron and slippers stirring a pot of caramel. The rich candy scent followed him into the cold and empty December air. He slammed the door shut behind him and the warmth and coziness of the house disappeared.
Joseph pulled his hat lower, crossed his arms, and told himself it was too cold to see Chrissy tonight. He knew that was an excuse. The truth was, every time he thought of Chrissy he saw Rachel’s face instead. When he tried to remember Chrissy’s girlish, flirtatious laugh, he heard Rachel’s hearty, genuine chuckle. Why couldn’t he get that girl out of his mind? He jammed his hands into his pockets and tried to push both Chrissy and Rachel out of his head as he trudged to the phone shanty.
Thankfully, Chrissy’s phone went straight to voicemail. Joseph stumbled through a weak excuse, apologized, and hung up. She was a perfect ten—all his friends agreed—so why didn’t he feel disappointed to back out of their date? It couldn’t be because of Rachel. She was a wallflower who had never been any fun. Back in school, she had always sat in the corner and watched everyone else have fun.
Except she had been a lot of fun since he started working with her. Maybe she was one of those people who come out of their shell among one or two good friends but close themselves off to large groups of people. Of course, that would mean that he was a good friend of hers. Which he definitely was not. If he were, she would have cared about his problem with his bruder, and his future, instead of dismissing the entire situation.
Joseph felt irritable the rest of the night. He didn’t talk during supper and retreated to the living room as soon as he could. He snapped at his schweschder when she bumped his chair as she arranged pine branches in the windowsill behind him. Joseph sighed and apologized.
“Help me decorate and maybe you’ll snap out of your pouty mood,” Hannah said.
“I’m not pouting.”
Hannah laughed and handed him a white candle in a simple wooden holder. “Put this in the middle of the windowsill. And add one of those holly branches with the red berries.” She pointed her chin toward a basket of greenery on the floor.
“All right, you win.”
Hannah laughed again. “You’ll thank me when the house smells like a pine forest.”
“I’m not pouting, you know.”
Hannah raised her eyebrows. “Whatever you say. But you’ve been stomping around the house for days. What’s gotten into you?”
Joseph glanced toward the kitchen. He didn’t want to upset his mother. “Have you heard about Eli’s plan?”
“To work for Onkel?”
Joseph nodded.
“Ya.”
“And you’re okay with it? Don’t you see what he’s trying to do to me?”
“Keep you from ruining your life?”
“He’s trying to trap me here!”
His sister’s gaze shot toward the kitchen. “Keep your voice down. Do you want to upset Mamm?”
“I am keeping my voice down.”
Hannah raised her eyebrows and leaned against the whitewashed living room wall. “He’s trying to help you.”
“I never asked him to.”
“No. But you’ve had one foot out the door for months now. And you could have been killed in that buggy crash. We feel like you’re living on borrowed time if you don’t settle down. What do you think that does to us?” She tightened her grip on the pine bough in her hand. “We just want you to stay with us. You’re not going to find what you’re looking for among the English.”
“We? You’re in on this?”
“Shhhh.”
“Hannah! Don’t you see what a bad plan this is? You’re going to push me away from here.”
Hannah shook her head. “Desperate measures.”
Joseph looked around the room. “Everything about the English world feels so much more exciting than this.” He swept his hand in a big circle.
Hannah sighed. “Have you ever heard that English saying ‘Not all that glitters is gold’?”
“Ya.”
“Think about it.”
“You don’t know what it’s like to need more.”
“How do you know?”
“You’re happy with what you have here.”
“Not always. But when I really think about it . . . ” Hannah shrugged. “I feel like anything else would be empty, no matter how full it seems. Does that make sense?”
“I don’t know. Maybe.” Joseph picked up a pine branch and ran his fingers through the soft, whispery needles. “I’ve been noticing how nice home feels lately.” His eyes shot to his sister’s. “But I still don’t want to milk cows for the rest of my life.”
“Ach, Joseph. You’ll settle into it. Trust me.”
Joseph turned away from his sister to set the pine branch on a windowsill. He wished that he felt as confident as she did. He wondered which would be worse—leaving the Amish and wishing he had stayed or staying and wishing he had left. He imagined waking up in twenty years to this same house, same barn, same cows. The thought sent a surge of panic down his spine. His life could slip away from him, even while he lived it.
* * *
Rachel knew she should apologize to Joseph. She kept telling herself to say something, but she was afraid all her emotions would come rushing out. What if she burst into tears right there in front of him while she apologized?
So she kept her mouth set in a tight line as they worked side by side. The hours crawled by in an agonizing trickle. Rachel realized how much she missed Joseph’s jokes and quick laughter. They barely spoke the entire day.
When her mother called them into the kitchen for gingerbread and kaffi, Rachel let out a long sigh of relief. Joseph would leave for the day soon and her mamm could fill in the cold, hard silence until then. “You baked another batch today?” Rachel asked as she breathed in the rich, spicy air that filled the kitchen.
“Ya. Your daed made quick work of the last batch.” She poured a mug of kaffi and pulled a carton of half-and-half from the propane-powered refrigerator. “Cream and sugar?”
“Ya,” Joseph answered. “Danki.”
Rachel began to relax a little. She loved when her mother started the Christmas baking. The kitchen felt so safe and snug. Happy memories flooded her as she bit into a square of gingerbread still warm from the oven. Joseph added a log to the woodstove before he sat down with his kaffi. Rachel glanced at him. Maybe everything would be okay after all.
Ada slipped into a chair across from Joseph and smiled over the steam that curled from her mug. “How have you been, Joseph?”
“Okay.”
Ada frowned. “You look like you haven’t slept all night.”
“I’m okay.” Joseph stared into his kaffi.
Ada kept her eyes on him. “I hear that your bruder is taking a job with your onkel.” She waited a few beats, but when Joseph didn’t respond she pressed on. “I guess that means you’ll be taking over the dairy farm for good, ya?”
Joseph opened his mouth, then closed it again. His expression darkened.
“You probably can’t keep working here. Not with your bruder gone.”
“I can keep my commitment.” Joseph’s jaw set into a tight line. “We never agreed to anything past Christmas.”
Ada took a long, slow sip of kaffi, while keeping her eyes on Joseph. He never looked up. “It’s okay if
you need to quit sooner.”
“Mamm!” Rachel’s eyes narrowed. She couldn’t understand why her mamm would suggest that. “We have a plan, remember? It’s only two weeks until Christmas and there’s so much left to do.”
Ada nodded and placed a cool, smooth hand on Rachel’s. “I know. But Joseph might need out.”
“No.” Joseph shook his head. “A deal’s a deal.”
Ada frowned. “All right.”
“My bruder isn’t planning on leaving the farm until the New Year.” Joseph sighed and fidgeted in his seat. “So nothing changes until then.”
Ada smiled. “You’ll have to put everything into that farm once he leaves.”
Joseph’s fingers tightened around his mug until the skin over his knuckles turned white. “I’m not going to do that.”
Ada flinched. “What?”
Rachel’s eyebrows knit together as she leaned forward. What did Joseph mean?
Joseph cleared his throat and looked up for the first time in the conversation. “I have to leave after Christmas.”
“Leave?” Rachel shook her head. “What do you mean, leave? Leave where?”
Joseph’s face set like a flint. “I’m leaving home to go live with the English.”
Rachel froze. This couldn’t be happening. Her chest tightened like a cold, metal vise.
“Ah. I see.” Ada leaned back in her chair and took another sip of kaffi.
“What about the farm?” Rachel blurted out. “You’re going to abandon it?”
“No.” Joseph gave a soft, weary smile. “My bruder will stay if I leave. He loves that farm.”
“Sounds like you have it all figured out.” Ada took another sip of kaffi but kept her gaze on Joseph.
“How can you say that, Mamm?”
“Let Joseph live his life, Rachel. He can always come back and be baptized if he changes his mind.”
“No. This isn’t right.” Rachel turned to Joseph with pleading eyes. “Why are you doing this?”
Joseph took a moment before he spoke. “Because I can’t stay trapped in this life.”
“But what about your family? What about—” Rachel wanted to shout the word “me,” but she clamped her mouth shut instead.
Joseph let out a long, heavy breath of air. “Eli wants the farm. This is better for him. And Hannah will leave when she marries. It’s best for everyone this way.” His gaze moved to the window and he stared out over the bare trees and rolling hills. “I don’t know what else to do.”
* * *
The words poured out of Rachel as soon as Joseph shut the door behind him. “This can’t be happening! What am I going to do?”
Ada’s face softened and she put a hand on Rachel’s shoulder. “It was only until Christmas, anyway.”
“No. You don’t understand.” So many emotions churned through Rachel that she couldn’t get her words out straight. She wasn’t even sure what she was feeling.
“Things will go back to normal.”
Rachel shook her head. “I don’t want things to go back to normal. I thought we could keep working together after Christmas. If we do well at the farmers market, we could make it into a real job.”
“You don’t have to do that. Your daed makes enough from the harness shop and from leasing our land to the English farmers. Anyway, there’s plenty for you to do around here. There’s always baking to be done.”
“I don’t like to bake. I like to eat.”
“Ach, Rachel. There’s always sewing. Quilting would be good for you.”
“No. Working in my greenhouse would be good for me. Selling plants with Joseph would be good for me.”
Ada closed her eyes and rubbed her temples. “You were the one who didn’t want help, remember?”
“That was before I realized we could try and make a go of this. What if we made it into a full-time job? It doesn’t feel like just a hobby anymore.”
“If it means that much to you we can hire someone else after Christmas. A nice teenage girl who needs something part-time.”
“No.” Rachel shook her head too hard. “I don’t want some teenage girl. I want Joseph.”
“Now, Rachel.”
“Please don’t ‘now, Rachel’ me, Mamm.” She hesitated, then plunged ahead. “He means a lot to me, Mamm. I like him.” She looked down at her half-eaten plate of gingerbread and lowered her voice to a whisper. “I really like him.”
Ada swallowed hard. “That’s what I was afraid of.”
Rachel’s eyes shot up to her mother. “What’s there to be afraid of?”
“Just look at you. You’ve been upset for days over him. It’s not good for you.”
“You can’t protect me from everything.”
Ada’s chin raised a fraction. “I can try.”
Rachel’s stomach felt heavy and tight, as if it were slowly sinking toward her feet. “That’s why you encouraged him to quit.”
Ada looked away. “Ya.”
“How could you do that to me?”
“Because I love you and know what’s best for you. He’s no good for you. You heard him—he’s leaving.” She shook her head. “That boy’s too wild for you.”
“No, Mamm. He’s not like that.”
“Then why doesn’t he settle down on the farm like he ought to? What’s the matter with him?”
Rachel didn’t answer. She didn’t know how to explain it to her mamm, but she thought she understood why.
The question was what to do about it.
Chapter 11
Joseph couldn’t believe he had said it out loud. And to Ada Miller of all people! He shook his head and stared at the stars scattered across the sky. White Christmas tree lights on the farmhouse across the road mirrored the stars. His breath came out in soft white puffs that disappeared into the cold dark. He shifted in the porch swing and listened to the whine of rusted metal as it moved. He could hear the murmur of voices from inside the house. The clang of metal pots drifted through the clapboard wall, followed by a shout and laughter.
Joseph tried not to hear. He wanted to be alone. He hadn’t told his family yet. But now that Ada knew, word was sure to get out. Word had already spread that he was taking over Eli’s place at the farm. Joseph shivered and tightened the scarf around his neck. He had almost been locked in. Now he could go anywhere and do anything.
He didn’t know which option made him more afraid.
Joseph checked the messages in the phone shanty before bed. Chrissy’s soft, feminine voice played through the speaker. She sounded hurt and frustrated. He picked up the phone to call her back. She would be his only family soon. He couldn’t strike out on his own completely. He would need her help.
But he couldn’t think of what to say to her. She would be overjoyed when he announced he was leaving the Amish. She had been trying to convince him to do that for months. They would probably end up getting married. What else would he do? Life would never be boring. She would always drag him somewhere new. They would meet new people and go new places, listen to music he’d never heard, eat foods he’d never eaten. She would giggle and cling to him and exclaim that he just had to try this or that.
Joseph frowned and held the smooth, black receiver in his hand. A long minute passed before he hung the receiver up and walked out of the phone shanty. He would call her tomorrow, after he’d had a good night’s sleep. A good night’s sleep made everything easier.
He thought about a life where everything was new and nothing was familiar. It would be a grand adventure. And that was what he wanted, wasn’t it? Joseph kept his head down as the wind bit into his skin. He decided to keep his decision to himself that night and the next morning. He would have to tell his family sometime, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it yet. A man could only take so much, and facing Rachel the next day would be hard enough.
* * *
Rachel wouldn’t let this happen. She just wouldn’t. Life had spun out of her control in the past. She didn’t have a choice about getting cancer. But she
could control the choices she made now that she was well. And she would not let Joseph go. She closed her eyes and tried to gather her courage.
Joseph stood over her with a smile. “You’ll make a wreck of it.”
“Ach.” Rachel set the clippers down on the potting table. “I wasn’t going to keep my eyes closed.”
Joseph looked like he wanted to crack another joke, but his face closed off and he wandered away. Rachel couldn’t bear to live like this until Christmas. She swallowed and closed her eyes again. Help me not to embarrass myself too much. Rachel had spent the night lying in bed, staring at the ceiling, and listening to the rain patter against the tin roof. She had to think of a plan. She would think of a plan. Of course, there was the obvious one. It was glaringly obvious. But she would be foolish to suggest it! And she had been foolish enough already.
Rachel let out a long breath of air and cut her eyes to Joseph. His eyes looked sad and lost. He didn’t want to leave. She knew what he wanted—what he needed—but she didn’t know if she was brave enough to offer it to him.
Well, she would have to try.
“Joseph.”
“Ya?”
“What will you do when you leave?”
He frowned and ran his fingers through the feathery leaves on one of the rosemary topiaries. “I don’t know. I’ll probably try and get a job landscaping. At least then I’ll be working with plants. Kind of.” He sighed. “Maybe Ken’s Gardens will take me on.”
Rachel nodded. She knew what she had to do—what she wanted to do. She would ask Joseph to work at her greenhouse permanently if they did well enough at the farmers market. He would always have a job here, if he wanted it. That way his bruder could stay on the dairy farm and Joseph would still have a job. He wouldn’t have to leave home. She licked her lips and opened her mouth to speak. He might reject her offer, but she had to be brave enough to speak up.
The crunch of gravel beneath tires interrupted her. It had to be a car, because there weren’t any hoofbeats.
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