by S. M. West
His words sting. Jared is family. “Fuck, Jared, that’s not what I meant. You’re fucking killing yourself. When are you going to forgive yourself? Just take it easy.”
“Whatever.” He tosses back his third drink and throws the glass against the wall, shattering it.
I wince at the anger rolling off him, recognizing it, but also not. We both have shit we’re dealing with, or in Jared’s case, choosing not to deal with, and I want to help him, but there isn’t anything I can do. I know his story, and nothing can be fixed or undone. In fact, it’s out of his hands too.
“About Pansy, I fucked up, but I had to know what the hell her deal was. B tested her in her way, and I was doing the same. I had to know if you were a meal ticket for her, or if her interest in you was real. I figured if she were after a payday or fame, one rock star would be as good as another, and so I made a play.”
“And what did you figure?” I know the answer, but I want his take.
“She’s into you, man. For sure. She never took the bait.” Standing up, he places his hand on my shoulder and squeezes. “I’m a jackass, and I’ll make it right with her.”
“Yeah, you will.”
The warm sea breeze and the bright sun wash over me the moment I exit Betty’s. Silas’s leaning against his car, a smile sprawling across his lips at the sight of me.
In a few quick strides, he meets me halfway and pulls me into his arms. “God, I missed you,” he mumbles against my lips, hot and soft.
It’s meant to be a quick hello kiss, but it’s too good to stop. My fingers curl into his shirt, pulling him in as my tongue delves into his warm mouth. Minty fresh and all man.
“Me too, I’ve missed you so much.”
“Hello, beautiful.” Silas checks our surroundings, always on the lookout for cameras or fans, especially with the recent media attention on Trojan.
The last thing we need is our picture splashed all over social media. So far, we’ve managed to keep our relationship on the down low, and we want to stay that way.
“Pansy! You’re still here. Wait.” Vinny’s long strides eat the asphalt and Silas tightens his grip on me.
“Hey, Vinny. Silas, this is Vinny.”
“Nice to meet you,” Silas says, taking Vinny’s hand.
“I’ve heard a lot about you,” Vinny says.
“I wish I could say the same.” His subtle dig, delivered in a dry, flat tone, is not lost on me. I’ve shared more openly with him about marine biology, but limiting what I say about Vinny. I don’t want him to feel Vinny is any more than a friend because that’s all he is.
“Vinny came by to find out how my meeting with his friend went,” I rush to say guiltily. “His friend’s a marine biologist for a company in San Diego.”
“I see,” Silas says, a slight frown on his lips
“Anyway, Pansy says you’ve got plans for tonight, so I won’t keep you.” Vinny looks to me. “Just reminding you that I can’t take you to class tomorrow.”
“Oh yeah, Callie’s taking me. Thanks.”
“Great. Have a good night and nice to meet you, Silas.”
“Yeah, you too, Vinny. We’ll have you over or something; I’d like to get to know you better.”
Silas is unusually silent until we near his house. “I can take you tomorrow, you know.” He rubs the center of his chest as if it aches. “After the weekend, it will get harder to see each other.”
“Okay. I didn’t ask… I don’t want it to look like I depend on you for anything. You’re my…” I pause, and he glances, quizzically at me. “You’re my boyfriend, and I don’t want it to seem like I’m using you for anything else.”
He parks the car, jogs to my side, and hauls me to my feet and into his arms. One arm firmly bands me and his other cups the side of my face.
“I’m your boyfriend?” There’s a hint of amusement in his tone, and I nod. “I like that. A lot. And as your boyfriend, I want you to use me any way you want.”
“Really?” I laugh with a slight reddening to my cheeks. “I like that.”
“Good. So, it’s settled? I’ll take you tomorrow?”
“Yes, please. I’d like that.”
With a light kiss on my lips and then the tip of my nose, he releases me. Once in his house, my nerves kick in when we hear voices. The band is here for a barbecue.
When he first mentioned it, I welcomed it, wanting to get to know the band better, especially Jared. I hate what he did, but I am willing to give him another chance.
Jared and Gray are on the deck off the living room drinking beers. With a brief hello, I promise to return once showered. By the time I’m back, Bianca, Eli, and his little angel, Crystal, have arrived. Jorge and Lucia have also joined us, and everyone is in great spirits.
“Hey, Pansy.” Eli leans in for a hug, and Crystal stops her brief mauling of Boy to smile at me.
“Hi. Hey, Crystal, beautiful girl.” I kneel beside her and Boy eagerly rolls onto her back, paws in the air, so we can both pat her belly. Crystal giggles while her chubby fingers thread and tug at Boy’s thick fur.
“Hi, Pansy.” Bianca approaches, wine glass in hand and a tentative smile.
“Hi. How are you?” We got off on the wrong foot. She made snap judgments about me, and I’ve been tempted to do the same about her. But I want to get to know her.
“Good. How are you doing?”
“I’m good, thanks. How are things coming along for the album?”
“The boys will be in the studio soon, and that’s a good thing because I think the anticipation is getting to all of us.”
“Yes. Silas is both anxious and dreading it, but I think it’ll be fine.” I’m trying to be upbeat and show her that Silas matters to me. I don’t know why I feel like I need to prove that to her, but it’s there.
“Silas has mentioned you’ve started diving class?”
“Yes. I’m really enjoying it, but it’s stressful with the expenses.” I realize my goof when she purses her lips.
“Why are you worrying when you’re living with Silas? He’s got you covered.” Her insinuation of my freeloading ways is clear in her tone, and it takes everything in me to not get my back up.
“I’m not living with Silas, and even if I were, I’d pay my way.”
“Oh. Sorry. Silas didn’t tell me that you had your own place.”
There’s something in her tone that suggests something more, but I can’t put my finger on it. Does he tell her everything? I want to ask but choose not to. It would only push us into the defensive bitch zone, and that wouldn’t be good for any of us.
“I’m my own person, Bianca. I don’t know what assumptions you may have made about me, but I’m not with Silas for any other reason than I like him.”
“What the hell?” Silas’s gruff tone startles me; I turn to see Silas and Jared approaching and twist back to Bianca, who is unfazed.
“Silas.” My warning tone tells him not to fight my battles. “Everything’s fine.”
He opens his mouth to say something, and before he can, my mouth crushes his words, consuming them. Without protest, his fingers dig into my backside, pushing me against the hard planes of his body. God, I’ve missed him. I instinctively wrap my legs around him, his impressive arousal rocking against my core.
What’s he doing to me? I’m never one to shy away from displays of affection, but I’ve always kept it respectable. Silas is a whole different beast. With him, everything leaves my mind, and all I want is to climb inside of him.
“Fuck me.” I vaguely make out Jared’s expletive followed by a chuckle. My sole focus is on the fire burning within. Silas’s mouth is destroying all my senses.
“Really, Silas?” Bianca chimes in, pulling me out of my stupor.
“Bianca, why don’t you just lay off for once,” Jared says harshly.
Her eyes narrow on him, her lush lips now a thin line as she steps back. Intense glares are traded as neither dare to back down. I drop my legs from Silas’s waist; these two a
re mood killers.
“Guys, chill. We’re here to have a good time,” Gray says, cutting the tension, hooking his arm around Bianca and pulling her away.
“Jared, why don’t you go easy on her?” Eli asks with Crystal now on his hip.
“Why does she always have to be in bitch mode? You used to be fun.”
Jared’s disdain’s evident in his surly demeanor. He runs a rough hand through his dark hair, his lips tight and jaw clenched. His eyes land on mine and instantly, his features soften, a smile spreading across his face.
With Silas beside me, his chest to my back, he stiffens, tightening his grasp on my waist. “Jared,” he warns.
I gently rub Silas’s arm to ease his concern, and his gaze flicks to me.
“Relax, let me talk to him.” I motion to Jared, needing to clear the air.
“You behave yourself, or this whole thing is off,” Silas threatens Jared before kissing me on the forehead.
Jared chuckles, but he doesn’t fool me. His shoulders are tense, lips tight, and his laugh doesn’t meet his eyes. He tracks Silas’s retreat.
“How are your balls?” Might as well cut to the chase.
Jared’s eyes widen; tilting his head back he laughs, holding his stomach as he bends forward. I join in because mission accomplished, the tension has broken, and most of all, he didn’t react negatively, which was a definite a possibility.
Everyone turns to Jared, stunned by his laughter. Obviously, it’s a rare occurrence. Silas steps in our direction, but I deter him with a subtle shake of my head.
Jared straightens and lightly taps me on the shoulder as he calls to Silas, “Damn, I can see why you like her so much.”
Silas is not amused, and he doesn’t even try to hide it with his territorial stare, the sharp tilt of his chin and subtle broadening of his shoulders. With an open and easy smile, I try to put him at ease, and he dips his chin with a flicker of a smile for Jared before turning back to Jorge and Lucia.
“My balls are just fine, no thanks to you,” Jared quips. “But I deserved it. I was an asshole and way out of line. I could say I was high and blame it on that, and while that’s true, I won’t. It’s because I was pissed, blamed you for some of the shit that was going on, and didn’t trust you.”
His candor surprises me and puts me further at ease. “Why? I had nothing to do with Silas’s decision to leave Trojan.”
“I know.” He hangs his head. “You were easy to blame. Silas wanted out, and truthfully, I’m not surprised. He’s been different for some time now and seeing that he knows what he wants, and you’re obviously part of that, it’s just…” He shrugs, tugging his hair and at a loss for words.
“I get it.” I let him off the hook. He’s more open with me than I dared hope for, and his love for Silas is clear in his voice. “And do you trust me now?”
He lifts his head. “Not quite yet, but I’m getting there. I can see how much you mean to Silas and I think you care about him. Not who he is to the world, but him.”
“I do care about him, a lot. What about you? What’s next for you?”
He jerks his head my way, looking me in the eye, shocked that I care to ask about him. My guess is these guys don’t have a lot of people that truly care about them. Most see them as a meal ticket, or a moment of glory to brag about, not as a person.
“That’s the thing. Between you and me, I have no fucking clue and it scares me shitless.”
Jared and I talk for a bit, about nothing serious or heavy, but we joke and get to know each other better. During dinner, my phone rings and I excuse myself to answer it.
“Hello.”
“Pansy?” Ivy asks, and unease slithers down my spine.
“Ivy?” I don’t know why I play coy when I know it’s her.
“Pansy, where are you?”
Always one to forgo pleasantries, she gets to the heart of the matter. I suppose with her being a doctor, it serves her well to get straight to business, but it would do wonders for her social life if she tried being nicer. A hello and how are you goes a long way.
“What do you mean, where am I?” She snorts, and before she can fire a nasty comment, I continue, “I already told you I’m in LA.”
I deliberately didn’t give her specifics of my whereabouts. While there is a slim chance of her showing up or coming to get me, there is still a chance.
“Send me your address.” Her voice fades as she moves the phone away. She’s talking to a nurse or someone at the hospital, her tone more domineering if that’s even possible. Picking up where we left off, she says, “I need your address.”
“Why?”
“Pansy, stop this. You’ve made your point. You want your independence and have something to prove, fine. But what if there’s an emergency and I need to get to you?”
Rolling my eyes, I answer, “You have my number. You could call or text.”
“Why are you being difficult? I’m not coming to visit if that’s what you’re worried about. I just want to know how to find you, if I have to.”
“Fine.” I rattle off my address, all the while knowing this is a mistake.
Turning off my phone -- one call from Ivy is enough for one night -- I tuck it into my purse and return to dinner. Silas seeks me out, and I smile, letting him know all is fine. A call from my sister shouldn’t shake me, but it does. I have a good thing going here, and the last thing I need is my sister crashing into my life and wrecking everything.
Pansy sits curled on the outdoor couch with Crystal snuggled into her, sleeping. Eli watches with adoration on his face, and I sure as fuck hope it’s for his daughter and not my girl. I nudge his shoulder, and he chuckles.
“She’s awesome, but you saw her first. I’d never make a move.” Eli holds his hands up in the air. “She’s all yours and the feeling’s mutual by the looks of things.”
“You bet your sorry ass it is.” I bump him again, beaming that he thinks Pansy’s just as crazy about me as I am about her.
Eli laughs, shaking his head as he walks over to Pansy and his daughter. The two share some whispered words before he carefully lifts his little girl into his arms and says goodbye.
“And then there were two.” I snuggle beside Pansy, my arms around her.
“Did you have a good time?” She cuddles into my side.
“Yeah, it feels like I’m fixing some of what I fucked up by springing my shit on them.”
“Good. I had fun, and I think everyone did, too. Well, except for Bianca and Jared, what’s up with them?”
I roll my eyes and sigh; I don’t want to talk about Jared and Bianca. “That’s a long story. They’ve never really gotten along, although I think it’s because they’re a lot alike.”
“They seem to rub each other the wrong way.”
“Yeah, you could say that,” she shrieks as I stand with her in my arms. “Enough about them, it’s time for us to go to bed.”
She tightens her hands around my neck and melts into me. And as much as I want to have her right now, take her and mark her as mine, I’ll settle for just having her spend the night with me, sleeping. I want her. I always do.
***
When I wake, Pansy’s already up, likely walking Boy, doing yoga, or swimming, in any order. I love having her in my space. My only wish is for it to be permanent.
During the shower, a song hits and the urge to write is strong. I head to my music studio where the words and the melody pour out of me, and time has no meaning.
Minutes, or maybe hours later, my fingers dance along the keyboard, finishing up the last few notes. The song’s not complete, but close. I’ll play it for the guys, and together, we will finish it.
While this is our last record, I love making music, and since Pansy’s come into my life, I’m brimming with song ideas, scraps of paper everywhere. So much so, half of me is eager to get in that studio and write, but the other half is reluctant to lose the limited time I have with Pansy, getting to know her.
“I love that. I
s it new?” Pansy surveys me from the doorway in a faded black one-piece swimsuit that’s seen better days. All I see is her toned bronze skin, calling to me.
Crooking my finger, I beckon her, and she obeys. With each step to me, streams of sunlight flit across the crown of her head, deepening the warm, red tones of her long locks.
I pull her onto my lap, and her delicious bow-shaped lips curl up as her eyes widen, darkening to moss green. Her warm, almost bare back leans against my chest, and I swear our heartbeats are synchronized.
“Silas.” My name is almost a tremble on her lips.
“Hey,” I whisper, and she smiles.
I place her hands on the keyboard, my larger ones shadowing hers, and we play a few bars of the song I just wrote. The one she just overheard. It’s about her.
“Hypnotizing.” She sways with the beat.
“Very hypnotizing.” She sure is.
Lightly kissing her shoulder, my tongue licks at her salty skin, and she shudders and sighs, sinking into me. With her surrender, my hands have a mind of their own, gripping her waist and lifting her to sit on the piano with her legs bent, her bare feet grazing the keys.
“Silas,” she exhales, her hands latching onto my shoulders.
Seated at eye level with her sex, I glance at her, seeking permission. The tiny nod and nibble on her bottom lip is all the go-ahead I need. My fingers gently knead her thighs before pulling her legs wide apart.
She gasps as my hands glide up the inside of her legs. Eager to taste and touch, my tongue kisses, nips, and licks at the soft, silky skin of her thighs, the sea salt mingling with a flavor that is undeniably Pansy. She tastes like fucking freedom.
I continue to rub my palms along her thighs, to the juncture of her legs and pelvis. I’m overwhelmed with desire, burning inside as my thumb slowly swipes her mound through the already-damp bathing suit. I’m not sure if it’s wet from the ocean or her excitement.
She releases a breathy moan, dropping her head forward, her hair falling around us like curtains. Licking my lips, I plant a wet, open-mouthed kiss at the apex of her thighs and groan at her musky, intoxicating scent. She sucks in a jagged breath and curls her fingers and toes.