by Rona Altrows
Your third complaint—and perhaps in a way it encompasses the first two—is that I have turned Leo against you. I cannot accept recognition for that. All credit for your son’s alienation from you goes to one person, and that person is not I. Was it I who said to Leo, many times over, that same-sex sex is disgusting, a crime against nature, an abomination? Was it I who threw Leo out of the house when he arrived for Thanksgiving dinner because he was accompanied by his then-boyfriend? Do I try to break up not only Leo’s romantic relationships, but also his friendships? Even if I wanted to, I could not contribute to turning Leo against you. There is nothing left to do.
As I have said, I do not think it necessary for us to communicate further. If, however, you find that you have more to say to me, and if you again select the telephone as your medium, please bear in mind that I have a thirty percent hearing loss in the left ear and so, as I am sure you can appreciate, exposure to screaming is detrimental to my health.
Sincerely,
Ariadne Jensen
TO LEO’S MOTHER FROM AJ—SECOND LETTER
February 28, 2013
Dear Mrs. Ellison,
How I wish it had not become necessary to write you again. It is not healthy for either of us to have contact with the other. However, since my attempt last November to explain the nature of the friendship between your son and me, your attitude toward me has not softened. That would not present a new problem in and of itself, but you have unfortunately gone further.
Leo tells me you have opened accounts on Facebook and Twitter with the express intent of casting aspersions upon my character in a public forum. He says you post comments at least twice a day—sometimes more frequently—in which you name me, describing me as a cougar, a self-styled milf, a Reverend-Moon or Jim-Jones type who has brainwashed Leo into liking me.
I wonder what you seek to accomplish by taking such strange measures. Having made several previous attempts, all unsuccessful, you must know by now that you cannot convince Leo to give me up as a friend. What then, can your motive be for your entry into the murky underworld of electronic slurs? Jealousy? Malice? Unadulterated hate?
I would invite you to reflect carefully on how you utilize your resources. Our days on earth are not long. Every time you decide to insult me on-line, you use up precious effort and time. How can your energy be channeled into a more constructive endeavour? You can, perhaps, volunteer for a worthwhile cause, such as your local food bank. Or you can enjoy daily strolls through a nature reserve with a field guide in your hand and learn to identify wildflowers. You can take up a hobby, such as tennis or calligraphy.
Any of those pursuits will turn you into a better person—and isn’t that what we all want for ourselves? As a bonus, if you engage in one or more of the activities I have suggested, you will be too busy to think about me, and how I am, in your opinion, corrupting your son. As a consequence, you will stop making libelous posts about me on the Internet. And as a further, particularly happy consequence, I will not sue you for defamation.
The quest for self-improvement leads to a cornucopia of rewards, does it not, Mrs. Ellison.
Sincerely,
Ariadne Jensen
TO GREGORY CHUDNOVSKY AND DAVID CHUDNOVSKY FROM AJ
December 27, 2013
Dear Dr. Chudnovsky and Dr. Chudnovsky,
I find it enormously daunting to write this letter. How can a person of average intelligence have the temerity to communicate with the likes of you? And how can I expect you to attend to my words, even if I express myself succinctly? Yet I press on, for I believe even the briefest message from you may give a certain dispirited young student the boost he needs to continue with his studies. You see, he is a fan of yours; it is from him that I learned about you.
I refer to best friend Leo Ellison. He is in his early twenties while I am in my fifties. Some people, including his mother—particularly his mother—think our friendship makes no sense. However, I am certain you would not question our devotion to each other for a moment. Indeed, Doctors Chudnovsky, your insistence on working together throughout your adult lives, in spite of the resulting lost professional opportunities, causes me to believe that you do not think it anybody’s business who keeps company with whom. Look at what the two of you have achieved together. Not just anyone could calculate pi to about a jillion digits, by using a homemade supercomputer that you kept from overheating through measurements taken with a meat thermometer. (I understand “pork” was the optimal temperature setting for the machine. ) Who but the Brothers Chudnovsky could solve a wool-silk-and-silver-threaded medieval tapestry problem through the use of a vector displacement map and warping transformations (whatever those might be)? My point is, you have accomplished all these feats despite the challenges of starting a new life as emigrants to the United States when you were 26 and 31 years old, respectively, and also despite the fact that one of you suffers from the debilitating autoimmune neuromuscular illness myasthenia gravis.
Not only are you geniuses; you also know how to surmount adversity and carry on with important work.
I do not suggest that Leo is a genius. Still, he has much in common with you. He finds himself ostracized, for a couple of reasons. First of all, he is openly gay and in a particularly flamboyant way. Secondly, his best friend, with whom he spends a great deal of time, in settings both private and public, is a woman (me) frequently taken for his mother. To say some of his contemporaries are unkind to him is to severely understate the case. In fact they treat him with such contempt it is as though they themselves have never matured past a destructive, insensitive adolescence. Consequently, with only a few courses left to take until he finishes his bachelor’s degree in political science with a minor in ancient history, Leo contemplates quitting university to join the work force. He simply wishes to escape the relentless taunting from his peers.
Personally, I would hate to see him give up. For one thing, I do not think the ostracism is any less likely to occur when Leo takes a job. He needs to develop the life skills to handle the bullies. I can help him with that, no matter what his situation. I have not applied myself to the task yet, and that has been my deficiency as a friend, but I intend to start on Operation Toughen-Leo-Up right away. However, it will take more convincing than I can single-handedly give to make him stick with his program of studies rather than running away.
Would you mind taking a few short minutes to write Leo a short note of encouragement? To make this small task more convenient for you, I have enclosed an envelope addressed to Leo and an international reply coupon which you can redeem for the postage required to mail your note from the United States to Canada.
I was elated to learn that after years of seeking academic positions that would suit the way you collaborate and the work you do, you secured positions on the faculty of the Polytechnic University in Brooklyn. I am certain that you can identify with Leo, and his sense of being an outsider. I am sure you also recognize it is essential for him to complete his first degree, and perhaps even advance academically, if he is to continue moving in a positive direction, as he so deserves to do. If anybody can convince him, it is you, Doctors Chudnovsky, for you are among his heroes.
Thank you for your serious consideration of my request.
Respectfully yours,
Ariadne Jensen
TO LEO FROM AJ—SECOND LETTER
August 14, 2012
Dear Leo,
Six weeks left until your return from your international summer school stay in Korea. Maybe you are better off being at Ajou University and nowhere around me right now. I am going through a period of feeling even more of a misfit than usual. If you were here you’d make me laugh about it.
You know I don’t chase men. But I don’t know… every once in a while, I see someone and am overwhelmed. At such times I think of my old gynecologist-obstetrician friend Harold, who said he always went about his business professionally
but every two thousand patients or so he would internally examine a woman who he found, in spite of himself, alluring.
In any case, this morning I was in the coffee queue at that new downtown café, Swish, when a peculiar thing happened. In front of me stood a couple of men, talking to each other. One was probably a fine person and a credit to his family; to be honest, I neither knew nor cared. His companion, though. Oh, his companion. My my, what a fine example of manhood. From a strictly aesthetic point of view, I am convinced that if you and I had been together, you would have shared my admiration of him. He wore black pants, tailored and well-fitted without being excessively tight, and a spectacularly white shirt. He must have been a business executive, or perhaps, a waiter. What did I care? I was doomed.
A couple of minutes later, as we waited for our drinks near the pickup counter, I got a better look, as the beautiful one and his friend stood off to the right of me.
Height, five-nine. He’d look perfect by my side, especially if I were practicing posture-awareness like you always encourage me to do, and also if I were wearing those spunky patent-leather heels you convinced me to buy last June. Medium build with no flab in the middle. I caught a fantasy glance of him at his regular Saturday-morning racquetball match, looking godlike in his shorts and T-shirt and fingerless gloves.
Huge dark eyes, small nose and mouth. And could nature have made teeth so even? If not, I was prepared to call his mother and thank her for taking him, when he was a teen, to a great orthodontist.
He, mid-thirties. Me, fifties. He, sporting the telltale gold wedding band.
So what? Such things have been done before.
My drink was called, I picked it up, and when I turned around, he was gone. As far as I know, he had not even registered my presence.
Ending it that way was unfair to both of us. Let me rephrase that. Ending it that way was unfair to me.
But wait. Just like in Roy Orbison’s song “Pretty Woman,” he came back. He walked up to me, gently removed the coffee cup from my hand and placed it on the counter. Then he gathered me into his strong arms and gave me the kiss of my lifetime.
Not really. I had to make that last bit up as I sipped my coffee.
Take good care of yourself and keep enjoying your adventures in Korea.
Your devoted friend,
Ariadne
TO POPE FRANCIS FROM AJ—SECOND LETTER
Calgary, Alberta
Canada
June 23, 2015
Your Holiness,
Not having received a response to my letter of January 16, I have hesitated to write you again with an update. However, I know you have been busy preparing your recently released no-nonsense encyclical on climate change, granting audiences to international leaders (even Mr. Putin), and discharging numerous other papal responsibilities. It is not easy, I am sure, to deal with all the correspondence that crosses your desk. Indeed, from what I understand—and my understanding is extremely imperfect—the curia is a complicated, even Byzantine bureaucracy. It is possible that my January letter sits unopened somewhere within the walls of the Vatican. And if that is the case, you are surely not at fault.
To avoid possibly needless repetition, however, I will assume you did receive my letter and have been meaning to respond. Your determination to do so is documented, I am sure, on your long pontifical to-do list. Do not trouble yourself, Your Holiness. I forgive you. And here is your update.
Gay-Straight Alliance clubs can now be set up in all schools where students want them. Catholic schools are included. This happy outcome is attributable partly to public pressure and partly to the work of a few enlightened politicians. There is no longer an urgent need for you to speak to the Bishop of Calgary or the Archbishop of Edmonton on the subject, although I would still recommend you keep an eye on them.
I know if you had time you would ask how Leo is doing. He is fine. As his best friend, I continue to share his hope that he will some day meet a nice man he can settle down with and start a family. I am well too, although I still have problems with Leo’s mother, as does he. Perhaps I will write you about that one day. I would love to hear your take on the situation.
Until the next time, then.
Yours most respectfully,
Ariadne Jensen
THIRD LETTER TO THE CEO OF CANADA POST
July 11, 2015
Dear Mr. Chopra,
Congratulations on yesterday’s issue of an Alice Munro stamp. This action is, of course, in the spirit of my own plan to save Canada Post, as outlined in my previous two letters. I see now that your failure to answer was more of a technicality, for you have clearly taken my basic message to heart.
So what we have here, at last, is a collaboration.
It has been my pleasure to inspire you. Rest assured I will keep sending you ideas. Together we will get the corporation back on its feet.
Sincerely,
Ariadne Jensen
p.s. I notice that in your announcement, you list a few of the awards Ms Munro has won over the years. However (and I am sure this is merely an oversight), you do not mention that she is a Nobel laureate. Please fix. Thank you.
MAIN SOURCES
FOR JENNY MARX, SOPHIE MARX AND KARL MARX:
Love and Capital: Karl and Jenny Marx and the Birth of a Revolution, by Mary Gabriel, Little, Brown & Company, 2011
The Letters of Karl Marx, selected and translated by Saul K. Padover, Prentice Hall, 1979
Karl Marx—Friedrich Engels, Selected Letters, The Personal Correspondence, 1844-1877, edited by Fritz J. Raddatz, translated from the German by Ewald Osers, Little, Brown, 1981
FOR ELIZABETH HALL AND JOHN A. MACDONALD:
Private Demons: The Tragic Personal Life of John A. Macdonald, by Patricia Phenix, McClelland and Stewart, 2006
Sir John A.: An Anecdotal Life of John A. Macdonald, edited by Cynthia Smith and Jack McLeod, Toronto, Oxford University Press Canada, 1989
John A., the Man Who Made Us: The Life and Times of John A. Macdonald, vol. 1, by Richard Gwyn, Random House Canada, 2007
FOR HELEN KELLER AND PETER FAGAN:
The World I Live In, by Helen Keller, edited and with introduction by Roger Shattuck, The New York Review of Books, 2003 (originally written in 1908)
The Story of My Life, by Helen Keller, Grosset & Dunlap, c. c. 1902, 1903, 1905
Midstream, by Helen Keller, 1929, reprinted by Greenwood Press, 1968
Helen & Teacher: The Story of Helen Keller and Anne Sullivan Macy, by Joseph P. Lash, Radcliffe Biography Series, Delacorte Press, 1980
Helen Keller, Courage in Darkness, by Emma Carlson Berne, Sterling, 2009
Helen Keller: A Life, by Dorothy Herrmann, Albert A. Knopf, 1999
Helen Keller in Love, by Rosie Sultan, Viking, 2012
FOR RUTH DRAPER AND LAURO DE BOSIS:
The World of Ruth Draper: A Portrait of an Actress, by Dorothy Warren, Southern Illinois University Press, 1999
The Art of Ruth Draper, Her Dramas and Characters, by Ruth Draper, edited by Morton Dauwen Zabel, with a memoir by Morton Dauwen Zabel, Oxford University Press, 1960
The Letters of Ruth Draper, 1920-1956, A Self-Portait of a Great Actress, edited with narrative noted by Neilla Warren, Charles Scribner’s Sons, 1979
FOR RABINDRANATH TAGORE AND ANAPURNA TURKHUD:
Rabindranath Tagore: The Myriad-Minded Man, by Krishna Dutta and Andrew Robinson, Bloomsbury, 1995
Modern Indian Responses to Religious Pluralism, edited by Harold G. Coward, State University of New York Press, 1987
Gitanjali: A Collection of Prose Translations made by the Author from the Original Bengali, by Rabindranath Tagore, copyright 1913 by MacMillan Publishing Company, copyright renewed 1941 by Rabindranath Tagore, First Scribner Poetry Edition, 1997
FOR HELENA JANS AND RENÉ DESCARTES:
&n
bsp; Descartes: The Life and Times of a Genius, by A.C. Grayling, Walker & Company, 2007
Cogito, Ergo Sum: The Life of René Descartes, by Richard Watson, David R. Godine, Publisher, 2002
thecaveonlinecom/APEH/17THcenturymedicineDBQ.html
FOR ANNA MARIA MOZART AND MARIA THERESIA HAGENAUER:
Mozart’s Women, by Jane Glover, Macmillan, London, 2005
Mozart’s Letters, Mozart’s Life, edited and translated by Robert Spaethling, Norton, 2000
FOR JAMES WOLFE AND HENRIETTA WOLFE:
The Life of Major-General James Wolfe, founded on Original Documents and Illustrated by his Correspondence, by Robert Wright, Chapman and Hall, London, 1893 (Google e-book)
Wolfe at Quebec: The Man Who Won the French and Indian War, by Christopher Hibbert, Cooper Square Press, 1999
Paths of Glory: the Life and Death of General James Wolfe, by Stephen Brumwell, McGill-Queen’s University Press, 2006
FOR HERMANN EINSTEIN AND ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Einstein: The Life and Times, by Ronald W. Clark, Harper Perennial, HarperCollins. First Avon Books edition published 1972; First Harper Perennial edition published 2007
The Private Albert Einstein, by Peter A. Bucky in collaboration with Allen G. Weakland, Andrews and McMeel, A Universal Press Syndicate Company, 1992
Einstein: The Enduring Legacy of a Modern Genius, Writer/Editor Richard Lacayo, © Time Entertainment Inc., 2011
Albert Einstein, The Human Side: New Glimpses from his Archives, selected and edited by Helen Dukas and Banesh Hoffmann, © the Estate of Albert Einstein, Princeton University Press, 1979
FOR JANE BARKER AND APHRA BEHN:
“Jane Barker and her Life (1652-1732): The Documentary Record,” by Kathryn R. King and Jeslyn Medoff, Eighteenth Century Life 21 (November 1997): 16-38@1998 by the Johns Hopkins University Press