He obviously didn’t want to have anything to do with me. I’d blown it.
I tried to focus on other things, like helping Cass shop for an outfit for her all-important date with Scott on Friday, but even when I succeeded in distracting myself, thoughts of Hayden slipped in eventually. I attempted to focus on my studies, but instead of looking at the board my eyes kept drifting onto Hayden.
After not registering a word of my Thursday morning English class, I had to ask myself, what if Hayden and I never resolved this misunderstanding? What if I finally got what I’d once wished for — for Hayden to disappear out of my life?
‘So, should I wear my hair up or down?’
‘Huh?’ I stared at Cassie.
‘For the date.’
‘What was the question again?’
‘Aurora, is something wrong?’ Cassie looked closely at me. ‘You seem very distracted. What do you keep looking at?’
‘Nothing!’ I ripped my gaze away from the group of pines where Hayden was sitting and back to Cassie. We were sitting by the school fountain during morning break. ‘Hair up, definitely.’
‘Are you sure it’s nothing?’ she probed. ‘It’s not just today. You’ve been a bit spacey all week. This morning you pulled your DVD remote out of your bag thinking it was your calculator. I’m slightly worried.’
So was I. I wasn’t sleeping properly, my appetite had faded, and I was obsessed with thoughts of Hayden. Was this guilt? Did guilt stop you functioning like a normal person?
‘I’m fine, Cass,’ I reassured her, giving my best I’m-nota-loony smile. ‘I guess I’m just finding it hard to get back to real life after the play.’
Cass smiled back, completely convinced. She moved on to shoe options for Friday night while I secretly despaired over my mental health.
‘So, last night’s homework — five hundred words on feudal farming,’ Mr Bannerman said, getting up from his desk to collect papers. ‘Jeffrey? Where’s your homework?’
‘I know this seems highly unlikely —’
‘Just tell me, Jeffrey.’
‘Aliens took it back to their planet as an example of fine earth literature?’
The whole class cracked up.
‘God help those aliens.’ Mr Bannerman shook his head. ‘Have the paper to me by the end of the day, Jeffrey.’
‘But it’s already several light years away by now!’
There was a crash as Travis Ela, who’d been swinging on the back legs of his chair, lost his balance from laughing and fell backwards.
And right then, the thing I’d been both dreading and hoping for happened. Hayden turned around and our eyes met.
I felt myself give a small gasp, and then I was tumbling. Tumbling down into the depths of his gaze, to a place where only Hayden and I could go — like the place between dreaming and waking. A tremulous connection that could be lost in a millisecond by the simple breaking of eye contact. And I couldn’t break it. I couldn’t move a muscle or whisper a word. I was lost in its intensity. A weird terror came over me that Hayden would be the first to look away, leaving me alone with this feeling.
But it was neither of us who broke the spell — it was the end-of-class bell.
And then I was grabbing my things and running from the classroom in a daze. My feet didn’t seem to touch the ground and my whole body was trembling. An earthquake had hit me and I knew that things would never be the same.
I was in love with Hayden Paris!
In love with his beautiful eyes and his teasing smile, with his softly curling hair, with the way he made me laugh, with his bordering-on-irritating level of intelligence, with the way he lit up the stage. In love with his passion for a cause, his integrity, his honesty. With the boy he’d been at six, and the boy he was now, at sixteen.
Madly, crazily in love. Oh god!
I finally stopped running at the archway where I’d attempted to talk to Hayden on the opening night of the play. I tried to catch my breath, along with the thoughts and feelings flying around me like butterflies. In love! Where had that come from?
I laughed — how could I have been so stupid? It had been there all along, like some kind of ticking time bomb. Jelena’s comment came back to me: One of these days you’re going to discover why Hayden Paris gets you so worked up. The reason I got so worked up was because I CARED about what he thought of me.
The trembling in my knees when he got really close to me, the kiss I’d almost given in to twice — it was obvious now. I was in love!
I paced up and down, saying it to myself like a hymn: In love. In love. I am in love. With Hayden Paris. I was lost in the exquisite feelings.
Half an hour later, after I’d registered that I had a biology class and made it with two minutes to spare, the exquisite feelings had become misery. Why did they call it love? It was TORMENT. It was a thousand flaming arrows striking you in the chest. Hayden wasn’t speaking to me. He didn’t want to spend time with me. This was unrequited love.
Just then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw Hayden dash in the door. My heart became a jackhammer and I snapped my eyes down to my textbook. This had to stop. Hayden’s heart wasn’t doing any reciprocal hammering when he saw me. To hope for his forgiveness was one thing; to hope for more was madness.
I kept my eyes lowered as Hayden took his seat in front of me. Oh god, I was going to hyperventilate. Little did Mr Blacklock realise, as he went on and on about a field trip to see sea squirts, that one of his students was dying of respiratory failure. And yet I felt headily alive. Being near Hayden was intoxicating. I felt like my chest would burst with adoration.
I gazed at Hayden’s hands, which were scribbling something on a sheet of paper. He had beautiful hands.
Those same hands tore the sheet of paper from the notebook, folded it over twice and placed it on my desk. Before I’d even glanced up, Hayden was facing forward again. I stared at the note. Part of me desperately wanted to know what it said and part of me didn’t dare touch it. What if it just said something like I want my jacket back? Or worse. That moment in history class, that look we’d exchanged — my realisation of love must have been written all over my face. The way I’d dashed off — I was transparent. He must know! I couldn’t bear to read an I don’t feel the same way scribble. That was what it had to be. How could he feel anything but resentment towards me? I looked away from the piece of paper.
But what if it didn’t say that? What if it said he was ready to forgive me? Even if love was out of the picture, I’d still have our friendship — he’d still be in my life. I could regain some semblance of sanity. I grabbed the note, but just as I began unfolding it, another hand closed over mine. Mr Blacklock’s!
‘Hand it over, Ms Skye.’
‘But …’ I clutched the note, which was oh-so-temptingly almost unfolded. I couldn’t hand it over. I didn’t know what it said yet!
Mr Blacklock wrenched the paper from my clasp. ‘I will not have illicit communications in this class.’ In one swift motion, he crushed the paper in his fist, along with my hopes. ‘Count yourself lucky that I’m in a good mood today and have decided not to read it aloud to your classmates.’
My mouth was an O of outrage.
Thankfully, before my revenge fantasies got too out of hand, the bell rang. I dashed for the door.
‘Aurora!’
Hayden was calling out to me! I almost spun around in delight. But stopped.
A note was one thing, but face-to-face communication? If what he had to say was bad, there was no way I’d be able to hold it together. I kept running without looking back, and didn’t stop till I was at home, safe in my lounge room.
I’d always imagined that falling in love would be enjoyable. Not a mad seesaw of emotion that plunged me from euphoric to terrified, hopeful to hopeless, energised to exhausted. Even now, absurd hopes filled my mind — that there might be the tiniest chance that he felt the same way about me.
Could he?
My palm tingled as I remembere
d the soft kiss he’d given it while we were spying on the NAD. He’d bought me those beautiful balloons on Valentine’s Day, and there’d been that odd moment when he’d stroked my cheek and looked all intense. The expression on his face when he’d seen me in the ball gown, the way he’d breathed ‘exquisite’. That had to be good!
I gave a twirl on the living-room carpet.
Then I remembered how I’d thrown him to the ground after that palm kiss. I’d pushed him out the door on Valentine’s Day. I’d threatened to throw him off the school stage! I moaned as I heard myself yelling, ‘There’s no romance and there never will be!’
I’d sabotaged any feelings Hayden might have thought about having!
Misery hit me with full force then. Hayden had kissed my palm, not my lips, even though he’d had the chance. I’d been right there in front of him. There was no way he had feelings for me. No way.
I groaned and collapsed into an armchair. Love truly was torment.
CHAPTER 29
Facebook Fiasco
‘Aurora!’ Sara yelled out to me as I arrived at school the following morning, heavy heart in tow. She, Lindsay, Jelena and Cassie signalled frantically at me to join them at their table. ‘Is there a reason you’ve been keeping this a secret from us?!’
They knew about my feelings for Hayden. Was I so obvious?
Sara turned her laptop around to face me, tapping the screen for emphasis. Facebook? What could that have to do with me keeping my love for Hayden a secret? Had someone secretly changed my relationship status?
My jaw dropped and I pulled the laptop closer. Right there, on the Facebook page for Get High (Heels!), were the words Could Aurora be Autumn? Who’s the girl you want to see wearing the heels? Click ‘like’ to cast your vote for our four new seasonal faces from the fifteen finalists. Alongside the text was one of the shots that my mother had sent to the agency two months ago. I blinked. It had to be a mistake. But there was my name and photo, along with information about the label’s new look for autumn: Camel-coloured, pin-thin heels, rich velvety reds — let’s make Autumn a season to delight in.
‘You’re in a competition to be the face of my favourite shoe label and you didn’t even think to tell us about it?’ Sara shrieked.
‘That photo of you is gorgeous!’ Lindsay sighed. ‘I’ve already voted!’
‘Congratulations!’ Cassie threw her arms around me.
Jelena didn’t say anything, just stared at me.
‘So spill!’ Sara demanded. ‘How did this happen?’
‘I-I don’t even know myself,’ I stammered, feeling completely overwhelmed. I was on a Facebook voting page?
‘You don’t know?’ Sara shrieked again, right in my ear.
‘No,’ I said, shaking my head. But I knew one thing: I was calling my mother. ‘Excuse me for two minutes, guys. Sorry.’
I stepped away from the girls and punched in the numbers.
‘Hello, darling.’
‘You actually picked up!’
‘I was expecting your call,’ she said smoothly. ‘The Get High (Heels!) voting page launched today.’
‘I knew this had something to do with you,’ I said, pacing up and down by the school gate. ‘Why has the agency entered my photos in a Facebook competition?’
‘It’s the label’s competition, Aurora, not Facebook’s.’ Mum’s voice was matter-of-fact. ‘Don’t worry, it’s legitimate. The label contacted various agencies looking for girls. They didn’t want open entry —’
‘Seeing as I’ve told you that I don’t want to be a model, and specifically asked you to get the agency to take me off their books, why am I now in the position of having my entire high school able to “like” me on a public website?’ I said, trying not to grit my teeth.
‘Well, I was about to inform the agency, but then I heard that Get High’s intending to run TV commercials, and now that you’ve got the acting buzz —’
‘I got the acting buzz to please you!’
‘I thought it was a fantastic opportunity and as your legal guardian, I okayed them to enter you into the competition.’
My legal guardian? I barely saw my mother, let alone lived with her!
‘And how long have you known that they’d chosen me as one of the finalists?’ I asked, taking deep breaths to keep my cool.
‘Oh well, since Monday —’
‘Monday!’ I cried. ‘And now it’s Friday, four days later?’
‘Darling, I’ve been virtually cut off from all modern civilisation. I’ve been on Bellbird Island with clients, completely uncontactable.’
‘I’ve noticed!’ I said, thinking of my dozen phone calls.
‘I couldn’t call you,’ Mum said. ‘Believe me, I wanted to. I was excited.’
‘If you were uncontactable, how’d you find out about the contract?’ I asked suspiciously.
‘By email, of course.’
‘So you could receive emails, but you couldn’t call me?’ I said, gripping my phone tighter.
‘Don’t be difficult, Aurora.’ Mum’s voice was stern.
‘Difficult? I’m the one being voted for on Facebook! Now that you do have access to technology, I want you to call the agency and retract your permission.’
Mum laughed. ‘Darling, don’t be ridiculous. The four girls chosen win a sizable amount of money, along with a year’s contract. It’s money you can put away for university. Do you know how unusual it is to be in the running for such a huge job at the beginning of your modelling career?’
‘Right, I’m calling the agency myself.’
‘Don’t disappoint me, Aurora.’
‘You disappointed me! What about Saturday night?’
She hung up without responding. I felt like screaming.
My friends surrounded me. They’d obviously overheard my heated conversation.
‘You didn’t know about any of this?’ Sara asked.
I sighed. ‘Completely clueless. How did you all find out about it?’
‘I’m a Facebook fan of Get High,’ Sara said. ‘I woke up, scrolled through the news page and there it was. I started freaking out and messaging everyone I knew before I’d even got out of my pyjamas.’
Sara’s Facebook friends list was in the several hundreds.
‘It’s spread remarkably quickly,’ Cassie said. ‘You’ve got two hundred and sixty “likes” already.’
‘Oh my god.’ I shook my head. ‘I have to stop this.’
‘Stop it?’ Jelena rolled her eyes. ‘God! I can’t believe you’re even daring to complain. The face of a footwear label? Get real, Aurora!’
‘Jelena!’ Cass frowned. ‘Not everyone wants to be a model. She shouldn’t be forced into it.’
‘Oh, you’re so lucky!’ Lindsay said again. ‘Think of the shoes!’
‘The money,’ Jelena added.
‘The male models!’ Sara said. ‘Get High had some really hot guys in its last catalogue.’
I barely registered their words, or the next few hours: Jeffrey waggling his eyebrows and asking if I was going to move into lingerie modelling; Benjamin accosting me after my first class to tell me that my next step was to join a television casting agency and did I want to go for a drink this evening to discuss it with him; my classmates openly discussing their opinions of my photo and whether they intended to vote for me; a running tally of how many ‘likes’ I’d accumulated.
At lunchtime, Cassie, Sara, Lindsay, Jelena and I found a quiet spot to lay out our picnic blanket. Alex and Tyler joined us, but so did a horde of other people, all bombarding me with questions. When would they announce the winner? Was it a national ad campaign? What magazines would I be appearing in?
I kept repeating that my photo would be taken out of the running once I spoke to my agency later this afternoon, but no-one was listening.
‘Do you think you’ll be on billboards?’ Alex asked. He handed me a can of soft drink. ‘Here, I picked this up for you at the canteen.’
I took it from him absently.
Billboards? Oh god, I hadn’t even thought about billboards. I couldn’t be legally locked in to this, could I?
‘Hey, I was thinking,’ Alex said, before I could respond, ‘why don’t you come with Jelena and me to the club tonight? I know the guy on the door, so the age thing isn’t a problem. Hell, it probably wouldn’t be anyway. You totally look over eighteen, Aurora.’
Jelena, who’d been playing with her bracelet, looked up with a frown. ‘Alex, it’s meant to be a date.’
Alex shrugged. ‘Yeah, so?’
‘A date’s usually just two people?’
‘Oh, come on, babe.’ He took a swig of his drink. ‘You and me and Aurora on the dance floor? It’ll be fun.’
‘I, um, I’ve already got plans,’ I improvised. It would be totally wrong to crash Jelena’s date, even if I felt like going out clubbing.
‘Cancel them,’ Alex said.
‘Alex, she’s got plans,’ Jelena said firmly. ‘Give it up.’
Alex frowned at her. ‘I don’t get the big deal. Can’t we have a little fun?’
‘Are you saying that being with me isn’t fun enough?’ Jelena’s eyes were dangerous.
‘Really, guys, it’s fine,’ I said.
Neither of them took any notice of me.
‘Because if that’s what you’re saying, Alex, then you’d better forget about …’
‘Aurora?’
My breath caught in my throat. Hayden was standing at the edge of our picnic blanket. What would I say? What would he say?
‘Hey,’ he said.
‘Hey,’ I replied.
He wasn’t smiling. Wasn’t he happy about talking to me? But why would he have come over if he didn’t want to chat? He didn’t say anything, though, and I was equally mute. This was getting uncomfortable.
‘Did you —’ I started.
‘Aurora, I —’ he began at the same time.
We both fell silent and I blushed. Thank god everyone else was focused on Jelena and Alex’s quarrel instead of the ice age between Hayden and me.
Hayden gave an embarrassed laugh. ‘Listen,’ he said slowly, ‘I want to say congratulations on the big competition.’
How to Keep a Boy from Kissing You Page 30