“So what?” says Allegra. “Make with the magic and get us inside.”
“You know they have video surveillance in there, right?”
“And you can take care of that too. Don’t deny it.”
“Yeah, but I also might blow the thing up. I’m not always good with subtle.”
She grabs my hand and pulls me to the entrance like an eager kid.
“Come on, man. You promised me an adventure.”
“I guess I could throw a glamour on us so we’d be harder to see.”
“Yes. That. Do that.”
While I’m thinking of a good one I say, “What is it you’re so anxious to see?”
She doesn’t say anything for a minute, then mumbles, “Giraffes.”
“What’s so special about giraffes?”
“No, dummy. Look over there.”
I turn to where she’s pointing—just as a pair of giraffes stroll past the entrance like they own the place. We run to the fence and watch them go. A second later they’re followed by a small herd of camels trotting along as happy as can be.
“What the fuck?” says Allegra. “That can’t be right.”
“It’s not.”
I point farther down the zoo walkway.
A pack of wolves slinks quietly along after the camels as tropical birds flutter by overhead.
“Oh shit. Those poor camels.”
She looks at me.
“You have to do something.”
I look right back at her.
“Like what? Turn the wolves vegan?”
Allegra grabs the bars as zebras and coyotes shoot by. Howler monkeys crawl around the top of the entrance.
Allegra starts to say something and I hold up my hand.
“If you want to go inside now and play Noah, forget it.”
I look around for a guard or a security van in the parking lot. Instead, I spot two limos. One has the license plate dthslt.
“Shit.”
Allegra says, “Who’s that?”
“Fucking maniacs. Rich maniacs.”
“Wait. You mean people did this on purpose?”
“I think they do it for kicks, but this is the stupidest one yet.”
“And they’re inside?”
“Probably.”
“Great. Let’s crash the party.”
“Are you crazy? There are wolves running around.”
“Yes. And you can handle it. Come on.”
I take a breath. I don’t know when I’ve seen her this excited.
“Doctor, is this a good idea? With me being in such a fragile mental state?”
She looks guilty.
“I know this is crazy and I’m asking a lot and, no, it’s probably not good for you, but . . .”
“But what?”
“I always wanted to pet a tiger.”
Beyond the gate an elephant walks by, followed by a small group of people in tuxes and evening gowns. Like in the freeway stunt, they’re all wearing blindfolds. Allegra follows my gaze and spots the maniacs.
“There they are!” she shouts.
She looks at me sternly.
“Take me inside right now, Stark, or I will never forgive you.”
“What if you get eaten?”
“You won’t let that happen.”
“Honestly, I’m annoyed. I just might.”
She gets her face close to mine.
“You’d do it for Candy. Do it for me. Inside. Now.”
“And you want me to find a tiger for you too?”
“No. We can find the tiger together.”
I want to take her away from here, but I know she’ll never forgive me if I do. I’ve felt bad sometimes about her having to play doctor and missing all the fun. I just didn’t think she’d want to punch a gator this badly.
I take her hand and pull her into a shadow.
We come out just inside the front gate.
The animal party goes on and on. Otters hop along the grass edges of the walkway. Bats swoop for insects in the glaring overhead lights. Some woman in a hoop-skirt gown like a TV Southern belle grabs a fistful of porcupine quills when she trips. The porcupine takes off, more scared of the crazy screaming lady than she is of it. A gaggle of rich twerps in identical blue pinstripe suits get body-blocked into the trash cans by a couple of baby elephants playing chase. That’s the best thing I’ve seen tonight.
“One of these idiots is going to get trampled.”
Allegra says, “Nah. They must have minders or spotters or off-duty cops watching their backs.”
“I doubt it. Like I said, they’re nuts.”
She pulls me out into the parade.
“Come on. Tiger me and we can go home.”
“I still don’t think petting one is a good idea.”
“Do some magic for me, damn it. Make it think it’s a pussycat for a minute.”
“For a minute.”
“That’s all I need.”
So, this is what the rich do nowadays. In the seventies it was all coke and sex parties. Now it’s haute couture and death kicks. Why not? The rich have always had the dumbest ideas and enough cash to make them come true. I have no doubt that by the end of the night one or two of these creeps will pay off a zookeeper to let them take an endangered species home for a good old-fashioned monkey cookout.
I let Allegra pull me out into the melee.
In just the few minutes we’ve been here, the animals seem to have become more on edge. I think being out of their cages was weird enough that they were happy just to run around. Now they’re settling back into their normal behavior. Especially the predators. Nearby, the wolf pack takes down a zebra. The animal’s screams are awful and the scent of blood fills the dry night air. Startled by the sound, a small group of fancy maniacs bolts and tries to get away. Instead they fall all over each other like Keystone Cops, which would be funnier if a lot of them weren’t crying and punching each other.
I say to Allegra, “You still want to be here?”
She looks nervous but says, “We’ve come this far.”
“That will look lovely carved on your tombstone.”
We brush past docile deer and peacocks, plus small gaggles of nervous, drunk partygoers with their hands out in front of them like they’re playing Blind Man’s Bluff. What bothers me is that we haven’t seen the really heavy predators yet. Lions or tigers. They must be off somewhere waiting for the right moment to pounce. I like cats and don’t want to hurt one, but I will beat a lion to death with a shark if it tries to take a bite out of me.
Allegra grabs my arm and pulls me down one of the winding side paths.
“There,” she whispers, pointing.
About ten yards ahead of us is a holy-shit real-life goddamn tiger. It looks as big as a blimp and more hard-core than the Terminator. And it’s in hunting mode—head down, haunches up, low to the ground. It’s creeping toward a couple of blindfolded women in slinky silk designer gowns. Both wear long gloves and matching mink stoles. They hold hands as they go, each trying to help the other stay upright.
Part of me wants to grab Allegra and run, but another part wants to keep an eye on the women. A couple of panicking dumbasses punching each other or falling on a porcupine is one thing, but Tigger here means business and the Shining twins up there have no idea what’s going on right near them.
“Can we get closer?” says Allegra.
“You go on. I’m fine back here.”
“I really want to do this.”
“Here’s your chance.”
“You’re going to protect me, right?”
“Define ‘protect.’”
“You’re not going to let it eat me.”
“Not all of you. That’s a promise.”
She takes a couple of steps closer to the cat. I’m still near enough that I can grab her if all hell breaks loose. But I’m more worried about the morons up ahead. I’d do something, except I remember something from TV or a movie. It’s that tigers don’t attack from the fro
nt. They’re ambush predators. They attack from behind. As long as the Shining twins keep facing the tiger and don’t get too close, they’ll probably be all right. Besides, they chose to be here. I’m more worried about Allegra’s doing something dumb. She closes in on the tiger, puts out a hand, then falls back with me again.
“I can’t,” she says. “I want to, but I just . . . and I want you to do some magic to make it tame, but then what’s the point of petting a tiger?”
“Do you want to leave?”
She shakes her head.
“No. I’m going for it. You’ve got my back, right?”
“As long as I don’t get scared and run away, sure.”
She keeps her eyes on the cat.
“Okay. Here I go.”
I keep my hand about an inch behind her back so I can grab her fast. I have a feeling that with the mood Tigger is in, the moment Allegra touches it we’re clearing out of here and fuck the twins and the others. They want to be Tiger Chow? Let them. I’ll drop Allegra at Vidocq’s and head home for drinks with Cary Grant and His Girl Friday.
Allegra is just inches from the tiger’s rear end.
Ahead, one of the Shining twins laughs. The voice bothers me. From behind them, a woman yells, “Wait for me, Janet.”
She stops and spins around, turning her back on the tiger.
After that, it all happens fast.
I shove Allegra to the side and bark some Hellion hoodoo. The tiger crashes to the pavement with a deafening roar. The twins rip off their blindfolds. One of them I don’t recognize, but the other is definitely Janet. Goddamn “I have a late class tonight.” They take a couple of startled steps back when she—they—see Tigger. But it’s not interested in them anymore. It knows I’m the one who fucked up its lunch. I get Allegra behind me, but Janet and the other woman are frozen where they are. There aren’t any shadows deep enough here to get behind and snatch them free. I pull the Colt from my waistband, but Allegra grabs my arm.
“No! It’s not its fault.”
“I don’t care.”
“Please.”
She gets hold of the gun hard enough that I’d have to fight her off to shoot. Besides, Tigger makes the choice for me. It takes a couple of low, slinky steps in my direction, then bounds at me like a black and orange Mack truck. The truth is that as much as I don’t want to lose an arm, I also like the thing. It doesn’t want to be here with these jacked-up thrill seekers. It wants to be in a mangrove swamp somewhere, eating whatever the hell it is tigers eat out there. So, when it leaps, I don’t bark a killing hex. I just blast it over us. But not too far. I don’t want to crack Tigger’s spine. Only maybe I should have. The bastard is so fast, it swings a big paw at me and hooks a claw into my right arm, ripping me from wrist to elbow. My blood hits the ground, and that just drives Tigger crazier.
A few yards past the cat a blindfolded guy is waving his hands like he’s trying to guide a jet to the passenger gangway.
“What’s going on?” he yells. “Is someone having fun without me?”
I suppose there are worse last words.
“Charlie! Run!” yells Janet.
It’s over before I can do anything to stop it. Funtime Charlie is down on his back and Tigger is dancing in his guts. He doesn’t even have time to scream.
“Do something,” shouts Allegra.
I bark more hoodoo and knock Tigger into one of the empty animal enclosures.
Then I yank the Colt away from Allegra. When I grab Janet they stare at me like I have eight eyes and a donkey tail.
“Stark?”
I drag them both into a shadow I spot near one of the overhead lights.
We come out in front of Existential Healing. While Allegra fumbles with her keys, I mumble some hoodoo, but the medicinal stuff has never been my specialty. The bleeding slows, but I’m cursing and more than a little pissed. Finally, Allegra gets the door open and we all pile into the exam room.
She bustles around getting her medical gear. I get on the exam table as Janet stands at the end looking like a scared kid who got caught shoplifting—and got someone they knew mauled by a fucking tiger.
Janet says, “Is he going to be all right?”
Allegra speaks in a clipped tone that lets everyone know she’s angry.
“He will be if you stay out of my way. Go stand in the corner over there.”
Janet does as they’re told, now looking embarrassed and anxious for me.
Allegra cleans the rip in my arm with Betadine, then moves on to one of Doc Kinski’s tricks: a blue-green salve that stops the bleeding quickly.
She says, “If this was a straight cut, the salve would close it completely. But that tiger really ripped you open. You’re going to need stitches.”
“So stitch me.”
“I could use Myrmecoleon jaws. They’re a medicinal arthropod Kinski kept. The jaws will hold the wound together. They hurt a lot more than regular stitches, but they have one advantage.”
“What’s that?”
She smiles at me.
“They don’t leave a scar.”
The rip is really starting to burn now.
“You’re fucking hilarious. You should be on TV,” I say. “Just sew me up.”
“Regular stitches it is then.”
Allegra goes to get the equipment, but she has to move Janet out of the way, scowling the whole time. When she’s back, she shoots me up with painkiller and starts sewing my arm. Janet is still in the corner, now looking equal parts guilty and queasy.
“I’m so, so sorry about tonight,” they say.
The more Allegra yanks my skin back together, the paler Janet gets. I watch their eyes flick from me to the blood on the floor.
I say, “You ever see a wild animal wound before?”
“It’s my first time.”
“Take a good look. You wanted to know how I got these scars? This is it.”
“You fought wild animals?”
“For eleven years.”
“I don’t understand. Like in a circus or something?”
“No, and you don’t get to quiz me. I quiz you.”
When I try to sit up my blood pressure drops about a thousand points and my head feels like it’s spinning around like Linda Blair’s.
“Lie back down,” snaps Allegra. “I don’t want you fainting on me.”
I do what she says, turning my head in Janet’s direction.
“Why don’t you tell me what you and your friends were doing back there at the zoo?”
“I can’t. It’s a secret.”
“Are you fucking kidding me? You almost died tonight. Someone else did. I got this arm, and Allegra could have been hurt.”
They look at the floor.
“I promised.”
“Were you part of the freeway thing too? And the sewer thing?”
They don’t answer.
“That’s what I thought. Fine. Keep your secrets. Tell me where to drop you and I’ll find a new donut shop.”
Their head snaps up.
“Please don’t do that. Look, I’ll tell you later. When we’re alone.”
Allegra glances in their direction.
“Janet, you seem basically like a nice person, but that was fucked up tonight, so I don’t want to know your secrets.”
“I’m sorry you got mixed up in it, too.”
“That was my fault. That’s on me.”
I say, “Forget it. I took you there.”
By now Janet is snow white, but as they watch Allegra work on me they actually manage to get paler.
After a couple of minutes of her sewing me and my gritting my teeth Allegra says, “There. You’re done.”
I flex my hand and manage to sit up.
“Thanks. Want me to drop you at Vidocq’s so you can tell him a story?”
She throws away all the used gear and says, “What I want is for you to go home and rest. You’ve lost a lot of blood.”
She leans against the exam table.
&nb
sp; “With the amount of muscle damage you have I’m amazed you can move your hand at all.”
“You know me. I’m a fast healer.”
“Go home and call me tomorrow so I know you’re all right.”
“I’ll be fine.”
“Call me,” she says firmly.
“I will.”
“And take a lorazepam when you get home.”
“Yes, doctor.”
Janet says, “Thanks for helping him.”
Allegra gives them a look. “Try not getting him killed again tonight.”
I hug Allegra and pull Janet into a shadow.
We come out in the flying saucer house.
Janet swivels around like they can’t believe they’re back again.
“Your shadow trick is freaking me out a little.”
“It’ll do that the first couple of times. Right now, I need to take those pills Allegra gave me.”
Janet pushes me down onto the sofa.
“You sit. I’ll get you some water.”
As they go to the kitchen I yell, “Bourbon. I want bourbon.”
“I’ll bring you both.”
Janet returns a minute later with two glasses, one filled to the top and the other filled barely an inch.
“Kind of stingy with the bourbon,” I say. “I can afford more.”
“Maybe you should have the water instead.”
“You hold on to that. It will be plan B.”
I swallow the pills with bourbon and lean my head back to rest on the sofa cushions. Janet sits down next to me.
“Feeling better?” they say.
“I hurt like hell.”
I flex the fingers of my fucked-up arm. Each muscle feels like a saw blade under my skin.
Janet sits back next to me.
“Silly question,” they say. Then, “Please don’t be so mad at me. You weren’t even supposed to be there to get hurt. It was all a game.”
“I’m not mad at you. I’m mad at me. I should have just killed the damn tiger.”
Janet’s eyes widen.
“Oh god no. They’re endangered.”
“So was I.”
They let out a long breath.
“It was exciting seeing you do magic. I always knew you could do something, but when you did . . . wow.”
“A lot of other people saw it too. That wasn’t supposed to happen either.”
They gently squeeze my good arm.
“What else can you do?”
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