“She’s not disappointed, Natalie, she’s sad for you. We all are. Which is why I’m going to get you super dressed up and take you out to show him what he’s giving up.”
“I think he knows.”
She sighed. “Do you really not want to go?”
Chewing my lip, I thought hard about her question. Did I want to see Mason? Of course. Still, my stomach felt like it was being squeezed by Hulk fists anytime I thought about it. Because if I saw him, I would want him, and for the first time in two years he wasn’t mine.
But I couldn’t spend my whole summer mourning him, even if that was the easy thing to do. I’d have to face him sometime, and maybe he would see me and realize he’d made a mistake.
“You have any magic makeup in there to make me look better than his new girlfriend?”
Willow grinned, waving her hand at me. “Oh please. Like anyone can out-makeup me.” She winked and grabbed my hands, pulling me up off the bed and into the bathroom. I stared at the photographs I’d taken on our family vacation to Hawaii a few years ago as she prepped everything on the counter. The images of the straw huts and fires on the dark beach always soothed me.
Photography was my passion. It had been for longer than I could remember. I was the lead photographer for the yearbook all through high school and I had more digital files of my friends and hometown on my computer than I had hard drive space to store it. It was the one and only thing that made me feel comfortable and safe.
Other than Mason.
Who I didn’t have anymore.
“Can I take my camera tonight?”
Willow dabbed foundation below my eyes. “If you want to. You have about a million photos of all of us out at Hay Stacks, though.”
“I know. It just makes me feel better to have it with me.”
She chuckled. “You’re kind of weird, Nat. But I love you anyway.”
“I love you, too. Thanks for this,” I said, gesturing to her spread. “I know you guys are right. I’m scared, but I know I can’t hide forever.”
Willow smiled, outlining my eyebrows with a light pencil. “Don’t worry. Everything is going to be fine.”
I tried to return her smile, but it fell flat and I settled my vision on a photo of Mauna Loa, instead.
That was the first moment where I felt the shift.
There was something about that summer that would change me, it was already beginning, and a part of me knew it. It was like I was walking in the dark toward a distant light, but I couldn’t drag my feet fast enough to figure out what it was. I could only think about one thing at a time, and that night, it was about being in the same place with the boy who had broken my heart just one week prior. I wanted to be prepared, I wanted to be confident, I wanted to be okay, but the truth of the matter was that I just wasn’t.
I was far from okay.
• • •
Two hours later, I wiped my sweaty palms on the harsh fabric of my jeans as Willow and I weaved through the weekend crowd to Hay Stacks. Crowds were never my thing, but I felt particularly uneasy that night and Willow sensed it. She held out her arm and I looped mine through hers, clinging to her like a lifeline the closer we got to the bars.
The Crawl was a small strip of clubs, bars, and restaurants near the Poxton Beach boardwalk and pretty much the only place to go out within a thirty mile radius. It was always crawling with tourists, but locals were there in heavy crowds, too. Poxton Beach was the second best tourist spot in South Carolina, right behind Myrtle Beach, and The Crawl was just about the only adult entertainment in the town. Everything else was very family-focused, just the way Dale’s ancestors wanted it.
Even though I had just turned eighteen in November, I had been to The Crawl more times than I could count. Hay Stacks and a few other bars were eighteen and up, which made them favorite spots for my group of friends on the weekends. When we weren’t at The Crawl, we were throwing house parties or bonfires on the beach.
Still, on that night, my stomach lurched when the neon sign for Hay Stacks came into view. It was the only country bar at The Crawl and though I loved country music, I was the exact opposite of excited to be there. I knew Mason would be inside, probably at the same bar he had kissed me at the night after homecoming, and I had a pretty good hunch he wouldn’t be alone. Willow tried to soothe me with her never-ending flow of wise words and clichés, but nothing she could say could make me want my couch any less.
“If you don’t loosen your grip, I’m not going to have an arm left for them to slap a wristband on,” Willow said as we reached the doors. The twangy music was spilling out onto the strip and I swore I heard Mason laugh through the noise.
“Sorry,” I murmured, removing my hand from her arm and stretching out my fingers as she rubbed the spot I’d been holding fast to. My nervous hands reached for my camera next, and once they found their comfortable placement on either side of the sleek, black object, I immediately felt a subtle calm wash over me. I idly ran my thumbs up and down the cool metal. “I don’t think I can do this, Lo. Everyone is going to judge me.”
“Try being one of only three black girls in the town, Nat. Trust me, you’ll get used to it.” She winked and I shook my head, smiling a little. She was exaggerating, of course, but not by much. Poxton Beach definitely wasn’t known for its diversity and Willow stood out both with her skin color and her personality. She was confident, smart as hell, and usually the life of the party.
So basically, she was my polar opposite.
Still, I trusted her more than anyone. I questioned a lot of my friendships in Poxton Beach, but never hers. She liked me before we were old enough to realize money meant something in the world. It wasn’t that I thought my friendships were fake, but after graduation and the lack of phone calls from friends to see if I was okay, I wondered if all the people who claimed my friendship actually wanted it. Maybe they just wanted the privilege that went along with it.
If only they knew everything that went along with it. The Poxton name was splattered all over that town, on everything from the local pharmacy to the bank and everything in-between. I couldn’t even walk into a convenience store to get a pack of gum without everyone knowing who I was. There were eyes on me at all times, and that was more pressure than I knew how to handle most of the time. I wasn’t born a Poxton, I was married into it — and sometimes I felt like I let Dale down.
Like right now — when I couldn’t even handle a stupid break-up.
When I started chewing my lip and clicking the shutter buttons on my camera, Willow realized how shaken I was. She inhaled a deep breath and pulled me to the side of the building, away from the crowd waiting to get in.
“Listen to me, Natalie,” she said, her hands finding my shoulders as she leveled her eyes with mine. “Mason made a huge mistake letting you go, and I know he’ll recognize that some day. I’m not going to lie to you and say it’ll be tonight because it probably won’t be. If I had to bet money, I’d say he’s going to have that new brunette Barbie hanging around his arm and he’ll likely pretend like you don’t exist or like nothing happened between you two at all and everything is normal. Either way, don’t let him get to you. Hold your chin high and walk in that bar like you haven’t been fazed at all. Take illegal shots out of this flask with your best friend and dance until those cute red boots of yours shred to pieces.” Willow smiled, holding up her favorite, sleek black flask, her bright white teeth glowing against her dark skin in the neon light of the bars. Her long hair was still braided to one side, elongating her face even more than usual and reminding me how flawless my best friend was. I put her in the same category as my mother — effortlessly beautiful.
“I’m just scared, Willow. He was my best friend. He was my everything.” Saying the words out loud made my chest sting.
Willow threw her arm around my shoulder, steering me back toward Hay Stacks. “I know, babe. And maybe that’s part of the issue, you know? If you give your all to someone else, realize you may one day have to chang
e all you know about yourself.”
I nudged her playfully. “You and your words of wisdom.”
She shrugged. “What can I say? It’s a gift. Now put on your happy face and let’s do this. And please don’t hide behind that lens all night,” she added, eying my camera.
I sighed, looking around at the crowd gathered like someone out there would have the mental strength I needed and I’d be able to steal it from them with one glance. We walked straight up to the bouncer, ignoring the small line that had formed. He smiled at us and tipped his hat to Willow as he moved to the side to let us in, my hands still holding fast to the camera around my neck. I heard a few groans from the out-of-towners, but the locals didn’t even bat an eye. I was Natalie Poxton. And that meant I didn’t have to wait.
If only I were as powerful on the inside as the name I’d been given.
I let out a long breath as my hands tightened their grip around my camera. I felt safer with it hanging around my neck, and my fingers played with the flash, clicking it up and back down again as we made our way to the back bar where our friends would no doubt be gathered.
I spotted Mason immediately.
I half hoped he wouldn’t show, but he did. And as soon as my eyes found him and witnessed his signature, full-faced smile break across his face, I almost fell to my knees. He looked more handsome than usual, if that was even possible, and it absolutely killed me. I pulled my bottom lip between my teeth out of habit and followed Willow a little closer.
“Lo!” Stephanie shouted over the music, throwing her arms around Willow’s neck when we reached the group. “Okay, it’s official. The party can start now.”
“I have arrived!” Willow yelled in response and the group laughed. I felt hot eyes burning holes through me as I gripped my camera even tighter and waited for the first person to speak to me. I tried to hold my head high like Willow said, but I was pretty sure I was failing miserably.
“Nice to see you, Natalie,” Dustin said first, offering a kind smile. Dustin was Mason’s best friend and, from what he had said to me after the break-up the week before, he didn’t exactly agree with Mason’s choice. I smiled back at him and dropped my hands from my camera, trying to relax.
“You too, Dustin.” I’d chewed off all the lip balm I’d put on in the car ride over, so I retrieved a small tube from my purse and reapplied, using the old habit to calm my nerves as Dustin continued smiling at me.
Dustin and Mason were practically twins, though Mason’s features were perfectly symmetrical, giving him just a small edge up on Dustin. They both had shaggy brown hair and matching chocolate eyes. While Mason was always tan from working on his parents’ land, Dustin’s skin was light and dotted with tiny freckles. And though Mason was tall with broad shoulders, Dustin was at least six inches taller, his frame lanky in comparison.
I tucked my lip balm back into my purse just as my eyes moved to Mason, who was officially staring at me along with everyone else. “Hey Mase.”
He paused for a moment, like he wasn’t sure what to say to me, and it made my stomach twist into an awful knot. I swallowed, but kept my posture as calm as I could, hearing Willow’s words in my mind. All I wanted was for him to wrap me in his arms and tell me it was all a joke, but I knew that wasn’t going to happen. So I needed to at least pretend to be okay. That town loved to gossip and I didn’t want poor, dumped Natalie Poxton to be their next subject of focus.
“Hey, Nat.” He paused again and lowered his voice a bit, moving a little closer. “You okay?”
His words made my stomach twist more, but Willow’s eyes narrowing behind him reminded me that I needed to seem in control. Even if I was far from it.
I shrugged. “Why wouldn’t I be?”
There were a few raised brows and whispers after that remark and Willow gave me a subtle thumbs up sign, but I felt awful. I never lied to Mason, and I knew he could see I was bluffing. But he didn’t call me on it. He just smiled, nodded, and turned back to Dustin. It was like his attention was tied to everyone else’s because as soon as he and Dustin started talking about baseball, everyone else went back to their conversations, too.
Stephanie grabbed my hand and hauled me to the bathroom with her and Willow. “Let’s drink!” She bounced a little, her smile bright as she tugged us through the crowd.
Stephanie was by far the prettiest girl in our class, though Willow closely rivaled her. Both of them were tall and lean, but Stephanie had perfect, long, auburn hair that twisted into beautiful curls effortlessly. Her smile revealed dimples that drove every boy insane. She was always nice to me, but we never hung out unless Willow was involved. In fact, Willow and Mason were the only two people I ever hung out with outside of our group outings.
After Mason dumped me, I was down to one.
Stephanie and Willow took shots out of their flasks in the handicap stall we all crammed into but I waved my hand when they offered them to me. I probably could have used the alcohol to calm my nerves, but I was more afraid of breaking down under the haze, so I opted for water when we got back to the bar, instead.
Sipping on my water allowed me to relax a little and the more everyone else drank, the better I felt. For some reason, buzzed eyes were easier for me to stand than sober ones.
We were leaned up against the back edge of the bar, still in the same group as Mason and Dustin but with enough space between us to hold separate conversations. Willow and Stephanie were chatting about their dorm room assignments at Appalachian State while I pretended to listen. As far as I was concerned, that college was essentially high school number two. Besides, Mason’s girlfriend had just walked in, and I was far more interested in torturing myself by watching them together. She had just strutted in and thrown herself into his arms as everyone around them smiled. He wrapped his arms all the way around her and pulled her tight into him, kissing her lips like he’d kissed mine a week before, and I couldn’t help but realize that he could never wrap his arms that far around me.
“What about you, Nat?” Stephanie asked, stealing another sip from her flask before pouring half of it in the soda she’d just ordered. “Where are you rooming? I’m surprised you and Willow aren’t together.”
I shrugged, tilting my plastic cup until an ice cube slid between my teeth. I crunched on it loudly with my eyes still on Mason. “I haven’t decided if I’m going to Appalachian State, yet.”
Stephanie blanched and Willow’s mouth pulled to the side. She already knew I was still debating my options, but to Stephanie and everyone else in this town, it was practically a sin not to go to Appalachian State. It was where everyone in Poxton Beach went. We “stuck together,” as Dale liked to put it, and most of us would end up right back in that town.
Again — high school number two.
But me? I hadn’t made a single move toward college, other than take the standardized testing.
“What do you mean? Like, not this semester?” Stephanie was twirling the small black straw in her drink furiously as she waited for my response.
Embarrassment shaded my cheeks, though I wasn’t sure if it was from her judgmental questions or from Mason’s eyes catching mine briefly before I flicked them back to Stephanie. I hated having to explain my decisions, especially when I wasn’t quite sure why I made them, either. The only thing I knew for sure was that I didn’t want to go to a college just because everyone else was doing it. “As in maybe not at all. I don’t know, I haven’t decided yet.”
“But don’t you have to get a room? And enroll in classes?”
I shrugged again. “I’m not worried about it right now.” That wasn’t exactly true, but it wasn’t exactly a lie. I did worry about it — about the decision I had to make, about being behind the rest of my classmates when it came to knowing my future. But, it was also true that, at the moment, my only real worry was that Mason had his tongue halfway down another girl’s throat.
Willow followed my gaze and shook her head, stealing a shot from her flask before grabbing my arm. “Nuh
-uh. Not happening, Nat. You are not going to sit here and torture yourself all night. Let’s go dance.”
But before she had the chance to pull me away, Mason’s girlfriend made her way toward us. She smiled at Stephanie first, eying her outfit.
“I love those boots! Where did you get them?”
Stephanie returned her smile, flattered and clearly unaware of my discomfort. “The boot boutique in town. They have the best colors and styles! I’ll have to take you sometime.”
“I’d love that,” she answered genuinely before turning her gaze to me. It soured immediately. “You’re Natalie, right?”
My throat was too dry to swallow, which meant I definitely couldn’t answer, so I just nodded.
Her smile was pinched at the corners. “It’s nice to meet you. I’ve heard a lot about you from Mason.”
My heart backflipped at her words before sinking to the floor. She heard about me from Mason? Was that a good or bad thing?
“I’m Shay,” she finally said, but she didn’t extend a hand for a shake. “Listen, I hope things won’t be weird between us. I mean, being that Mason dumped you to date me and everything. We’re young, right? These things happen.” She smiled wider now, happy with herself.
This time I swallowed, feeling sick. Her eyes were on me along with Stephanie’s, both of them waiting for a response. What was I supposed to say?
Willow narrowed her eyes, tugging my arm again. “Come on, you don’t have to play this game with her.” She turned to Shay next. “Maybe you should go back to your boyfriend.”
The Pain in Loving You Page 2