by Maris Black
I hit play on the movie and turned the screen to face my bed, then hopped in and scooted to make room for Gavin. “Mind if we watch it at my place?” I teased.
“Doesn’t matter. I’ve got something to do anyway.” He brought a thin rack of pegs out of the closet and used mounting tape to secure it to the wall at the head of his bed. Then he carefully hung his designer scarf collection, creating a sort of fashion art piece.
I’d always thought scarves were stupid, but even I had to admit the display was kind of cool. “That’s a good idea,” I told him, not paying any more attention to the movie than he was.
He shrugged and reluctantly joined me on my bed. My weird neck kiss had really made things awkward between us, and I wished I could take it back. I wished I could tell him I was sorry and that I knew I was the world’s creepiest brother. That I had strange feelings sometimes when he was near, and I didn’t know how to get them to stop. But I didn’t say any of those things. Instead, I pretended like everything was kosher and I wasn’t freaking the fuck out.
“You’re not even paying attention to the movie,” I said after a half hour of side-eyeing Gavin as he sulked. “It seems like something is bothering you. Anything you want to talk about?”
Gavin dismissed my concern with a wave of his hand, but his lips were stretched thin. “What are you, my therapist? I’m just tired. Give me a break.”
“No, I won’t give you a break.” I stretched back onto the bed with my arms above my head and smiled. “Not unless you come make me.” And there I was again, saying things that sounded more like flirting than brotherly love.
“That can be arranged.” Gavin’s blank expression was replaced with a bright eyed look I recognized all too well. A playful smirk touched his lips, and he climbed onto the bed on his knees, stalking me in a way that made me tingle with anticipation. “I think maybe the tickle pig is back. Remember him? Poor guy hasn’t had a good meal since before I left for England, and he’s really freaking hungry.” He lowered his head to my belly and nuzzled in with his nose, snorting and rooting around like a pig looking for food.
“Stop it,” I said, my voice high with embarrassment. I pushed him hard enough to make him lose his balance and fall off the bed.
“Oh, you’ve done it now,” he growled, scrambling up from the floor. Then he launched at me, grabbing my upper arms and flattening me onto the bed. I bumped my head on the wall, but that didn’t stop him. He subdued me, trapping my arms at my side, and I was laughing too hard to fight back with any strength. My muscles tingled, and my arms and legs flailed like rubber bands. I was helpless against him. My stomach tightened to near cramping, yet I could not get my laughter under control.
“Stop it… Please,” I gasped between giggles. “Gavin, I’m serious.”
“Seriously in trouble,” he said, pulling my shirt up with his teeth while his hands were busy holding me down. Then he blew a big fat raspberry on my quivering belly.
If I thought I was laughing before, it was nothing compared to the frantic crying giggles he drew out of me as he worked his lips over my tensed abdominals. It was excruciating, and the more he tickled me, the more helpless I became. At some point, Gavin’s onslaught reached critical mass, and my mouth was wide open, endlessly exhaling until I thought I would pass out from lack of oxygen or sensory overload.
Then, just before pleasure turned to intense discomfort, he stopped and rolled onto his side, using his elbow as a prop. “You had enough?”
I lay there on my back, struggling to catch my breath but smiling just as broadly as he was. His face was flushed and his eyes were bright, but his unruly hair covered too much. I had an uncontrollable need to see every inch of his face, so I reached up and moved the hair back with my fingertips. The gesture was too tender, but it felt good so I did it. I’d missed Gavin too much not to indulge in the closeness of the moment, to get back some of what we’d lost during his absence.
He chuckled. “You always let me win.”
“It’s more fun that way. And besides, somebody has to give a little or else we’ll end up with bloody noses and broken bones.”
“I’d never let it go that far,” he said. “We’ve had our share of fights just like any other brothers, but I’d never hurt you. You know that, right?”
“Of course I do.”
Gavin crossed the room and turned the light off. Then he closed the laptop, effectively ending the movie. “Let’s just go to bed, okay? This movie sucks compared to the novel. And besides, I’m really tired.”
It took me a long time to wind down and fall asleep, because I was plagued with doubts about how I’d been acting with Gavin. The feelings I had for him had always felt too intimate, but since he’d returned from England it had only gotten worse. Maybe it wasn’t such a bad idea to go out on a date with someone. Maybe it would help me stop obsessing over my brother in a way that I knew wasn’t healthy.
CHAPTER 7
(GAVIN)
CALEB MARTIN was a pleasant looking guy, with neat brown hair and a trendy goatee. His blue eyes were always sharp, his mouth quick to spread into a grin. His bubbly demeanor had always been a nice foil to my surliness, which I realized was not to everyone’s liking. The fact was, unlike most people, I didn’t care to please others. It wasn’t that I wanted to be disagreeable; I just didn’t care whether they liked me or not. Bain was different from me in that respect. He wasn’t a people-pleaser. His every mood didn’t hang on social acceptance, but he did have more of a need for human companionship than I did.
That being said, each of us only had one real friend and few close acquaintances growing up. We’d done pretty much everything together, and in a relationship that tight, there was little room for anyone else. Still, I think we each needed one person as backup for when we weren’t getting along or just needed an outside opinion or influence. If not, we may have gone crazy having only each other to confide in. Bain’s friend had been Sarah Turner, and Caleb had been mine.
Right now, as Caleb approached me across the parking lot behind Otranto, he looked more like an enemy than a friend. His pleasant smile could not wipe away the image I had of him and Bain kissing in the movies, and the doubts I had about our friendship now that I knew he had been hiding his sexuality from me. Had he been attracted to me during our friendship? Had he checked me out during our study sessions when he thought I wasn’t looking? The thought made me uneasy.
“Gavin,” Caleb said as we met at the edge of the parking lot and he wrapped his arms around me in a warm hug. “It’s been so long I was beginning to wonder if I’d ever see you again.”
I pushed out of his embrace and gave him a tight smile. I was trying to postpone the unpleasant conversation I knew was coming, but it was difficult. I didn’t want to accost him in the parking lot and have him run back to his car and take off. I wanted him to explain why he felt the need to hide his sexuality from me, and why he had thought it was okay to jump my brother while I was in another country.
I led him around to the porch, through the building and up the stairs, annoyed at his oohs and ahhs and exclamations about how cool Castle Otranto was. Deep down I wished I could enjoy his company again like I used to, but the nagging anger inside me made that impossible.
“Have a seat,” I said, but when he nearly sat down on Bain’s bed, I added, “in the desk chair. That’s Bain’s bed, and I don’t feel comfortable offering it up to guests.” The truth was I didn’t want him anywhere near Bain’s bed.
Caleb laughed. “Okay, no problem. Where is Bain today? I figured you two would be stuck together like glue as usual.”
“I had him go out with some of our friends so that you and I could get reacquainted without distraction.”
“You guys have friends here already? That’s cool. I hope I can do that well when I get to TSU. My dad thinks I should join a fraternity, but that sounds a little too structured for me.”
“I’m sure you’ll do fine.” I offered up another of my tight smiles that weren’
t fooling Caleb. His stiff posture was evidence of that.
“So what have you been up to? We’ve barely texted since you got back from England. Are you liking Otranto?”
“I like it fine. Bain and I have joined a group of student filmmakers here who are supposed to be the best on campus. We’ll see soon enough if their reputation is justified.”
“Well, if they’ve got you and Bain, they’ve got to be the best now.” His bright smile seemed genuine. “Where’s your camera? You don’t want to film me for old time’s sake? You used to have that thing in your hand all the time.”
I couldn’t help smirking, feeling animosity creep into it. “I’m more selective about what I film now. Bain and I used to film every little thing for practice. Learning our craft and our equipment.”
He chuckled. “So I was just practice. I thought it was like home movies, and one day we’d get together and watch them and laugh about our stupid outfits that had gone out of style, and how dumb and immature we acted.”
“That may happen yet. God knows we have been dumb and immature. For instance, after I left for England, you decided you were gay and that you should take advantage of my impressionable brother.”
Caleb’s mouth fell open. “Oh God, Gavin. I’m so sorry you had to find out about that. Bain and I made a pact never to tell you. I don’t know what to say. It was just… stupid.”
“You’re damn right it was stupid. How could you jeopardize our friendship, Caleb? I didn’t even know you were gay.”
“I’m not,” he said, leaning forward in his chair. “I mean, I had some thoughts. Jesus, this is not going to come out right. Let me start from the beginning.”
“Yes, I think you should,” I said, glaring him down. “Spare no details.”
Caleb shifted uncomfortably in his seat. “Okay, the truth is Bain was lost after you left, like a little puppy whose master had left him alone. I was missing you, too, and I was used to hanging out at your house, so we just sort of fell into spending time together. He started reaching out to me. I knew it was because I made him feel closer to you.”
“Closer to me?”
“Yeah,” he said. “He idolized you, Gavin. You have to know that. You were his everything, and when you left, you took it all with you. He was like a shell of the guy he used to be, and when I was around, when we were talking about you, he seemed more like the person he used to be. There was a light in his eyes again, and it made me feel good that I could help him. I had other friends, but Bain… he was alone.”
“Bullshit. I know he had a hard time with it at first, but I checked on him regularly. He said he started hanging out with some of the other kids at school, went to a few parties, got more involved in drama club.”
Caleb scoffed. “He was lying to you, probably so you wouldn’t worry about him. Or maybe he wanted to rub it in your face that he could do just fine without you. Either way, he lied. He wasn’t hanging out with anyone but me. He even drifted away from Sarah and eventually stopped answering her texts altogether. They’re not even friends anymore. Did you know that?”
Caleb’s words filled me with a deep sense of shame at what I had done to my brother. In trying to do something positive for both of us, I had broken his spirit, and for that I would never forgive myself. Though it was difficult to speak while my heart was breaking, I managed a few words. “I had no idea. I thought he was fine.”
“Well, he wasn’t. He was very far from fine. He was so pitiful moping around the house. It was like he forgot how to smile, and all I wanted to do was light his face up like you always did I guess. I kind of slipped into your role, and I started to care about him, Gavin. Like really care about him.”
I clenched my teeth and forced myself to ask, “So how did trying to cheer my brother up lead to sticking your tongue down his throat in a movie theater? Last I checked, that wasn’t part of platonic friendship. You never came onto me.”
“I told you I’m not gay. But as you know, I’ve never been that popular with the ladies. Not like you.” He gave a wistful smile. “I knew Bain was gay. After he came out in junior year, everyone did. He and I watched a lot of movies together and talked a lot. I talked about girls, and he talked about guys— you know, the usual who’s hot and who’s not sort of thing. Then I don’t know, sometimes it seemed like he was flirting with me. He would lie close to me on the couch when we’d watch movies and stuff, like he used to do with you.”
I nearly blew up at his admission. When he said he’d slipped into my role, I hadn’t imagined he meant in that way. The physical closeness Bain and I shared was always something that belonged only to the two of us. We were twins; we were intimately close. The thought of him sharing that kind of closeness with Caleb burned a hole through my soul.
He continued. “I started thinking things, you know? Bain is a good-looking guy, just like you. I didn’t have any female options, and damn Gav… I get horny. I started wondering what it might be like, and if I could enjoy a man like I could a woman. So I invited him out on a date, hoping to let him know I was interested in something other than just hanging out as friends. I even called it a date.” He shook his head and smiled. “Like I said, it was stupid.”
“Very stupid,” I said. “Go on.”
“Well, I bought him popcorn and coke, and right in the middle of a scary scene, I put my arm around him. It was like in the movies where the guy stretches and then just casually drops an arm onto the back of the chair. He noticed, and he smiled at me. The look in his eyes was… Well, it was nice seeing someone look at me that way, like he welcomed my attention. So I kissed him.”
My fists clenched at my side, but I forced myself to go on with the torture. I had to know. “What was it like?”
Caleb cocked his head and smiled, as if he found my line of questioning amusing. “You really want to hear all the gory details? I’d hate to scar you for life.”
“Scar me,” I growled.
“Well, it was nice. Bain is a really good kisser. I closed my eyes and tried to imagine he was a girl, because that made it easier somehow, and it worked for a while. His mouth was soft. Not as soft as Cynthia Riley’s, but his lips were full, and he was gentle. Actually, he was a better kisser than Cynthia. When his mouth opened up for me, I admit I got really turned on. I got into it, you know? I forgot all about pretending he was a girl, and he was just Bain, and he was sexy as hell. His tongue felt so good in my mouth, and I actually got….”
“Got what?” I demanded.
Caleb blushed. “You know. Hard. Then Bain put his hand on my hip and squeezed, pulling me closer to him, and I was actually thinking about ditching the movie and going back to your house to be with him. Like really be with him, Gavin. I don’t think I had ever been so turned on in my life, and that was something I hadn’t expected. It scared me, but at the same time I liked it.”
I was vibrating with anger at that point, barely able to keep myself from flying off of my bed and pummeling my ex-best friend to death.
“Were those the kind of details you were looking for?” he asked with a sly grin. “Or was that too much information?”
I took a deep breath and pushed away the homicidal thoughts. “I asked for details, and you delivered. But you haven’t finished. You told me about the kiss, but what happened then? Did you ditch the movie? Did you and he—”
“No,” he said quickly. “Absolutely not. I won’t lie to you. If Bain had agreed to it, I would have taken him back to your house and learned what it really meant to love a man in every sense of the word. I was ready and willing.” He let out a breath and the color rose again in his cheeks. “But Bain said no. I mean he didn’t exactly say no, because I didn’t exactly ask, but he pushed me away. He was careful not to hurt my feelings. He said he thought I was cute and that he appreciated me taking up so much time with him since you left, but that he was in love with someone else. I took it for what it was. Letting me down easy.” He laughed. “Imagine that. Your brother had to let me down easy, and I’m not
even gay. It was a little humiliating, even more than it would have been if a girl had said the same thing to me.”
“Who?” I demanded, hung up on what he had said a couple of sentences back.
“Who, what?” he asked.
“Don’t play dumb with me, Caleb. Who is he in love with?”
Caleb laughed. “He didn’t give a name, and he said that the person didn’t know. He said that there was no way they could ever be together because the guy was straight, but that he didn’t think it was fair to lead me on when his heart belonged to someone else. But you know he’s not going to be completely honest with me. He’s not going to give me a name or any specifics. Why should he? I’m not his twin. I’m just some guy who was trying to take his twin’s place.”
I sat there silent for a long few minutes. Finally, Caleb leaned forward in his chair and waved a hand in front of my face. “Earth to Gavin. Come in, Gavin.”
I snatched my head up, realizing I had practically forgotten he was there. My thoughts had been running away with me, wondering if there really was something Bain was keeping from me. “Sorry, I was thinking. Is that all?”
“All of the tawdry romance between Bain and me? Yeah, that was it. Lasted all of about ten minutes.”
“You kissed for ten minutes? I was imagining more like thirty seconds.”
Caleb winked. “I told you he was a good kisser.”
“Don’t wink at me when you’re talking about taking advantage of my brother, you bastard. I still haven’t forgiven you.”
Caleb leaned back in his chair and sighed. “I’ll never understand you two. It’s part of the reason I like you, I guess. All the mystery and the drama. Sometimes I wish I had a twin so I could be a part of something as profound as what you have. I’ve been your closest friend for years, Gavin, but over time I had to accept the fact that I would always be on the outside. Just some guy you let catch glimpses of you every now and then. If you and Bain were ever to try to get into serious relationships or get married, I pity your partners. They would always be on the outside looking in, just like me. Nobody stands a chance of breaking through that twin bond, and even a year apart couldn’t change that.”