by Logan Keys
Love being just … love.
Just me.
Just him.
And he’s kissing me harder and faster with his hands on my neck and back and face.… Earnest, meaningful kisses that, by the quickened breaths in between, are surprising to him as much as to me.
And when he finally pulls away, I still cling to his hoodie to keep from losing my knees.
Doubt follows.
“Liza,” he whispers, and I brace myself.
“Yes?”
“How will I be brave?”
My shoulders sag, and my heart breaks a little to hear the terror in his voice. I come to my senses. “Jeremy, you don’t know any other way to be.” Then, I whisper against his mouth in a new boldness, “And I’m right here. Always.”
His smile and mine, they slowly bend together, fused at the lips.
He turns to leave, yet pauses. Jeremy Writer is conflicted. Over me. My heart leaps. Selfish to notice, but oh-so-good to feel. His insane quest is momentarily on hold for this girl, right here.
He snags my arm, pulling me to his ropy, muscular body. And Jeremy brands me again, this time so hard my toes curl and my skin prickles. He marks me in ways that won’t soon be forgotten, if ever.
Very few people ever get kissed like this.
That much must be true.
A throat clears behind us, and we break away guiltily, though still smiling.
Crystal stands in the doorway, and my smile falls to realize. But she doesn’t look angry, or jealous … well, maybe a tad jealous, but mostly happy for Jeremy.
“It’s time,” she says, and the way she regards me, the strangeness since the zombie fight, is felt only momentarily before she masks her face.
It’s like she can’t figure me out, but at the same time, she’s amazed at what I’d managed. It feels good.
Jeremy nods, then leads the way, shoulders set, chin up.
Following, I try to ignore the wisdom in the meaningful look Crystal gives me. She knows Jeremy better than us all, it would seem.
Careful, her eyes say. Careful.
Jeremy’s voice echoes across the sea of people. With a clear thunk, he adjusts the microphone, then stares out at what must be quite a sight. People—all kinds, colors, beliefs, ideals—stand outside the velvet ropes of the Authority, ready for him to say what’s next.
One night, Jeremy ranted on the roof for hours before turning to me, looking utterly terrified. “I won’t be made useless!” he’d said.
And he meant it.
Now, at the podium, a kind of sureness overtakes him. Maybe it’s the effect of his view, or maybe it’s just normal for a man on a mission, but his face transforms into a thing of beauty.
“Peasants of the Authority,” he calls into the dead of their silence, “we beseech each and every one of you, in this war, this united fight—and it is just that: a war. When I look around, I see allies, families born into oppression, brothers related to me by more than blood … because we are chained by poverty now—poverty of the mind, and worse, poverty of the spirit. Robbed daily, though not simply of our wares. It is a mental holocaust we must fight, and together, I tell you, we can win.”
Some murmuring of agreement begins, but is quickly settled back into quiet.
“Silence … ?” he says. “It is silence that imprisons us. When nothing is said, everything is agreed to, falsely. But I tell you, a man, a woman, with no voice is despair, a sister with no influence is asleep, and a brother with no honor is already dead. Slavery has no gender, no race, no class.” Jeremy sends me a sidelong glance. “We are no greater than the zombies outside of our walls, and it is time to wake up!”
The crowd cheers.
“The Authority has said: Dream! But in truth, they mete out our destinies in tiny rations; they’ve said how far we can go, how long, and where. Aspirations are useless, because to aspire, is to reach. Dream, they say, but not too big. Laugh, they say, but not too loudly. Love, they say, but not too hard.”
Now, Jeremy’s looking right at me. Avoiding Crystal, I stare straight ahead, cheeks heating.
Jeremy closes his eyes for a moment, waiting for quiet before he turns his back to the audience. In one smooth movement, he pulls his shirt over his head—
—to show three long scars from neck to rump. Lines, each several inches wide, as if someone had stripped off the skin so deeply, they could never have healed without thousands of sutures.
A gasp ripples through, and some of the men nod as if they’ve seen this before. The Authority must have done this to Jeremy during his purging. A tarantula tattoo sits on his right shoulder blade.
He returns to the microphone, purple eyes somber.
“When you find you cannot contain yourself any longer and you imagine things beyond the walls they’ve built for you, constructed to imprison your desires, and when your heart is filled with impossible things, then, I say, you have achieved true independence. Our Anarchy is not simply a battle of flesh and blood; it is a war of the mind. The time is always now to declare your freedom!”
Again the crowd cheers, making the rafters shake.
“The Authority says that Anarchy is the devil. But I say that a man who’s both an anarchist and a patriot has been ordained by God himself!”
The roar is deafening. People stomp so hard, I worry they’ll send out guards.
“To talk of history, of how it was,” Jeremy goes on, “is the lament of the poor man, of those who cannot see the riches deep within. Inside the child’s mind, what we beat away, and on these dark streets, the urchins have more gold than all of you. Why? Because they go out at night, while you are in at curfew, hiding. If we seek the truth, we are never broken!
“These!” He lifts his hands. “These are your liberators! Against all Authority!”
“Against all Authority!” the Skulls yell back.
And Jeremy pounds on the microphone. “Against all Authority! Against all Authority!”
Then, the crowd begins to chant it, over and over again, each time a little bit louder, until the lights flicker high above.
Chapter Forty-Nine
Jeremy walks me home in silence. Together, we’re lost in our thoughts. For me, I’m memorizing every nuance of our kiss. For him, this is the wake of his new treaty. The Skulls and the rogue army, side by side. Kiniva has agreed—more than agreed—they’re friends, and he’s promised, if the citizens rise, he will, too.
This is a small victory, but well won.
Crystal had even squeezed my shoulder and looked me deep in the eye with a “thank you” written across her sharp features and a hint of surprise that I’d enjoyed.
When Jeremy walks me to my door, I turn suddenly shy again. “You were wonderful,” I tell him.
“I was okay.”
“Okay? You single-handedly made the uprising international. And you gave people something they haven’t had in such a long time.”
“Pretty words?” he says.
“No.” My hand finds his cheek. “Hope, Jeremy Writer. You gave them hope.”
He lays his hand over mine. “I was greatly inspired.”
“How so?”
Jeremy tugs me into his arms and places his head on top of mine. “Because you still see the good in people. After everything you’ve been through, you give people more chances. You find the parts of them they most want to be and you bring that out. If I was great at all tonight … if I was able to make some change … it was because you believed I could.”
I’d stay like this forever, but he pulls away and says, “Will you play something for me?” And he touches my chin when I tuck it in, and smiles down. “I’ve resisted up until now, because I worried that if I watched you make music, I’d never want to risk anything ever again; that I’d want to just leave this place and find somewhere where you could play and I could write.”
My smile is soft; it feels like the smile of a woman on the verge of more than a simple crush. “So why did you change your mind?”
Je
remy grins. “Because life’s too short to give a damn all the time.”
Out of all of my musical works, one’s already on my mind for Jeremy. A romantic thing of medium tempo, but when I play it, it comes to life and sparkles like dew on the morning grass of the old world.
This, I play on the piano gifted to me by the very voice of the uprising, and the boy that I’m feeling the edge of love for.
I’ve played it before, just in practice. But tonight, for him, I’m a spirit. Anything else is too tangible.
Jeremy watches me a breath away, and we share the space like two people telling secrets while I squeeze the sweet music from my fingertips. My mind slips open to him like a flower, though only through the music, leaving my mystery intact.
It’s only fair, since he’s really the mysterious one.
Finishing slowly, and reluctantly, I float back down to earth until I’m human again and turn to gaze at purple eyes filled with so many emotions.
Jeremy sits enraptured, face alight with interest and something too bright to recognize. “Music is your life, your love,” he says.
Not completely. “Music is freedom,” I tell him.
That makes him smile. “From?”
He knows, but he wants to hear it.
“Pain,” I say. “The end of the world.… ” Then, more softly, “Myself.”
His brown hair falls in front of his eyes when he nods in complete understanding. And that is what we have. An understanding.
Speaking keeps me tethered. Otherwise I feel I might float away. “My father said the universe has its own song older than time itself,” I explain. “We merely play a small part. It’s not like it’s the music that speaks, he said, but the pauses in between … like … I don’t know … ”
“A heartbeat?”
“Yes. The stops and starts.”
“Sort of like how we yearn for those most in their absence.”
I focus on the piano keys to keep from asking: Do you yearn for me, Jeremy?
“My mother argued, though,” I add. “She said music is wasted if there’s no one to dance to it.”
He sighs, content. “I love hearing you talk like this, about your past. It’s a side of you I’ve not seen.”
One that no one sees.…
His renewed smile is like the sun breaking through the clouds. “What would you have done, Liza? I mean, with your playing, before the flood.”
“Orchestra, maybe. A band. Or the greatest of goals: concerto.”
Jeremy raises his brows in question.
“Concertos are solos with a backup orchestra,” I explain. “Usually three movements long: the first movement is fast and in sonata form, the second movement is slow and in ternary form, and the third movement is fast again and in rondo form.”
His fingers push back loose strands of my hair, and his voice is warm. “I could listen to you talk like this all day.”
I could say the same when he talks about writing.
I become lost in the purple, and a corner of his mouth quirks up in confidence. This close, he’s pure menace to my senses. Jeremy’s still high off of his victory—battle-buzzed. His speech in the warehouse struck home, and this is how he’s chosen to celebrate with me.
Maybe I’m much more than simply a passing fancy.
The thought jacks up my heart rate; I’m a prize for the awesomeness that Jeremy Writer lives and breathes each and every day.
His lips are an inch from mine. “Say something musical.”
“Largo—” But the “g” and the “o” are captured by his mouth before his lips make their way to my chin. “Gusto, forte, Baroque … ”
Muffled warmth caresses my throat so the word is almost missed.
“More,” Jeremy whispers.
Nearly breathless and with blood heating my voice, I whisper back, “Allegro … andante … a … ada … adagio … mmm.… ”
Love being love.
Chapter Fifty
The weeks after Jeremy’s speech in Kiniva’s arena hasn’t shown the change we’d expected. If we thought the citizens would have some grand reaction, then, sadly, we were wrong.
And without them, we’ll lose. We’re still a drop in the bucket compared to the Authority’s army of guards. Kiniva, too, had offered with his own men, if only they chose to strike the first match, but he’s gone for now, until when, none of us know.
Regretfully, in light of this unexpected sameness, I’ve returned to the courthouse, and Jeremy’s returned to ranting on the roof each night. I’ve been in a selfish mood these last few visits, having tired of his incessant, desperate monologues and restless with our small touches here and there.
Clearly, the honeymoon is over.
The night before last, I mentioned needing a night to myself. He agreed, and said I looked tired. I fought the urge to slap him and instead had graciously replied, “Yes, we’re all quite exhausted.”
He’s wrong, though. Each day, it’s like I gain more energy. Since having chemo, I should be slowly returning to health, but I’m beyond that. Some days, I just want to run a marathon.
“We need something more!” he yells, arms thrust out as he paces. His palms flip as if he can’t decide whether he should slap his thighs or his cheeks. “We need to find the rest of the population who’d do something, but can’t. We need to make a statement. They know our position, but they need something to wake them up!”
“That sounds risky,” I say.
My last stunt almost made me zombie bait, and I’m fresh out of suicidal antics as of late. Hopelessness about the “cause” clings to everyone. Even Crystal’s been talking about making demands and finding common ground with Reginald Cromwell himself.
Jeremy went insane when he first heard this. “She wouldn’t!” he cried. “Has she lost her mind?” And he’d rounded on me with wide eyes. “Have they all lost their minds?”
Beating a dead horse …
Chapter Fifty-One
Tommy
A velvety smooth voice startles me when I enter the barracks.
“It wasn’t your fault, you know.”
Vero’s sitting on my bunk, waiting for me.
“Did you hear?” I ask.
I’m still focused on the news about going home, and I’m ignoring this conversation for … ever.
“Yeah, I heard. Don’t try to deflect, Hatter.”
Shrugs do in a pinch. I toss my hat onto the stand and start to kick off my shiny shoes.
I expected her to be more excited, but Vero seems pensive at best. Her black hair’s tied in a low ponytail, and she’s changed out of her dress uniform, wearing jeans and a T-shirt with the collar stretched out and riding low.
I pause while undoing the buttons of my jacket. Dark eyes have followed my hands on the trail downward, and my buzz is making me read something new in her expression.
“It is my fault, Vero,” I say in a thick voice. “I should have known it was a trick. Poor Murph didn’t stand a chance. Why’d I go off half-cocked, anyway? If only I’d waited.… ”
Her smile is sweet, knowing. “Because you care. Because you’re you.”
Vero stands, and she picks up where I left off on my jacket buttons. Then, she pulls it down my arms, but I catch her hands, stop them when she reaches for my shirt. So it isn’t the buzz.
“Joelle,” I say lamely, looking for an excuse.
Vero arches a dark brow. “Asleep. I checked.”
She tugs my hand toward the bunk. There, we sit side by side, and she looks over at my pillow and sheets before shooting me a glance that only an idiot would miss.
But I’m playing that idiot right now.
“Listen,” she says, and I hang on her every word, yet nod like I’ve just tuned in. “That thing with Murphy … it was terrible. But you weren’t in your right mind. The whole thing’s Cory’s fault. And it’s bugging me that you’d take that on … like you do with everything else.” Vero turns, bringing her pretty face mere inches from mine. “I know what you haven
’t said, about that girl, Daisy—shh, you don’t have to talk about it, but you do blame yourself for every damned thing, Tommy. I just … if you’d let me—”
“Vero—”
“No, let me finish. I could help you.” Her tongue peeks out to wet her lips. “I want to help.”
My brain shuts off as I stare at her mouth while it curves into a smile.
Somehow, my voice doesn’t crack. “But you … and I’m … ”
Her hand finds my cheek. “Tommy, I’m aware of who you are.” She sighs in frustration. “It’s all gone to hell, ya know?” And her whispers are mesmerizing. “It’s just shit out there. But this … us … you can’t lie. It’s there; it’s real.”
When I don’t answer, she laughs. “I’m not making any damned sense. It doesn’t have to be love, is what I mean.”
My heart pounds, and my palms sweat. Love?
“Let me start over.” Pulling away, she rises to pace. “I’ve got nothing ‘cept you and Jo. I’d given up. I just ... There are so many Corys and not enough of us, ya know? No one left to really care. Just survive-survive-survive, and that’s what I did. You get me?”
I nod.
Vero’s in front of me again, bending down to eye level. “And then it’s like, I meet you, and you’re carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders. I can’t help you if you won’t let me, Tommy. I can’t.”
She turns to pace again, the doubt on her face filling me with guilt. I don’t know what to say, but I do need her to stop pacing, and my hand snags her arm as though it has a will of its own.
Vero stops, eyes wide.
I don’t mean to kiss her, but it’s like my body decided to long ago, without me, and that it’s already known what I didn’t: Vero and I, we’re more than just friends. She’s strong and brave, and when she kisses me back, it’s like I’ve conquered a mountain, or won something, though I don’t even know what.
She weighs practically nothing when I sit her across my lap, and her hands are all over my neck and face and chest, and my shirt’s being ripped apart, and for once it’s not the monster doing it this time—she is. And she’s so … solid, though her parts are round and soft.