The New Year began and my somewhat boring life continued. I dreamed of being married and having kids. When I was with the little girls, it made me want to have children even more.
I found out from my parents in March when Danny’s wife had the baby. His parents called mine to share the news.
I didn’t try to visit him at the taxi and he didn’t call for months. It would be just too hard hearing about the baby. He eventually called me and asked me to visit one night. We tried to not see each other, we tried not to care, but the minute we met, the feelings seemed to overpower us and we wanted to see each other more and more.
“Why couldn’t you have been like this when we were together?” I asked Danny.
It was dark as we sat in his taxi and it was late at night. I couldn’t see his eyes, and his eyes always told me a story.
“I wish I knew,” he said with sadness.
Silence temporarily filled the car, but with us, words didn’t seem to be needed.
He reached for my hand and we sat holding hands tightly. “I always think about you, wonder what you are doing. I know I shouldn’t and I know I shouldn’t still miss you…but I do,” he admitted as he stared out the window.
“I don’t know what to say—it is so hard not seeing you and talking to you when I want to.”
“I know…but we are together right now. I know it’s not the same or enough, but…” His voice trailed off. “I do love you; it’s not easy for me either. But I have a family and—”
“Don’t say it, please just don’t, and do not remind me, not tonight,” I said as my heart tightened.
I didn’t stay too long because he needed to work. But the goodbyes were always hard.
Two weeks later, my phone rang late at night. Thank God, I had my own phone number. I didn’t think my parents would appreciate being woken.
“It’s me, sorry for calling so late. Any way you can come to my work tomorrow night?” Danny’s familiar voice asked me.
I woke up instantly. His voice had that kind of power over me. “Hi, yeah, I should be able to. Is everything okay?” My inner voice was telling me something was not right; his voice sounded strange.
“We will talk tomorrow. Can you come by about midnight? I have to go, sorry to cut this so short, but I have to go pick someone up. Love you.”
“Okay…love you too, bye,” I said as my insides truly sensed I wasn’t going to be happy about whatever was coming.
“Bye.” The phone clicked off.
Did I detect a hint of something, or was it just my imagination playing tricks on me? Or was I still asleep? It was so hard to try to go back to sleep, as I laid there wondering and wishing I didn’t have to wait so long to find out.
In the morning, I didn’t tell anyone anything. It was so hard keeping it to myself. I wanted to talk about it, but…I didn’t.
The day dragged by. I couldn’t stop thoughts from running through my head. What if he had decided he wanted me back? Liz called and wanted to go out that night. I didn’t tell her that I was meeting him. I agreed to go out for a while, more so to pass time more quickly.
We went to McQuade’s for dinner. We found a booth and sat down. I wanted to drink but knew that I had to drive to see Danny later.
“You’re acting really strange tonight,” Liz noted.
“Sorry, guess it’s obvious. I thought I was hiding it well,” I said, laughing.
“You should know better than that! I’ve known you way too long to not know something is up, so spill it!”
“I really didn’t want to tell anyone. I myself am not sure what it’s all about.” I told her about the phone call and wound up blurting out all our other secret meetings. It actually felt good to say it all and not keep it a secret. She knew about our earlier meetings, but she didn’t know that we had been meeting more frequently recently.
“Um—wow! I am kind of speechless. You’re setting yourself up for disaster again.”
“I know—but, maybe not, maybe he is going to come back to me?” I said hopefully.
“I am your friend forever, you know that, right? But—do you really want him to leave her and his children?” Liz asked as only a best friend could bluntly tell you that you’re not being smart.
Her words struck a reality in me. Did I want him to leave her for me? Did I really think it would be that easy? What would his family say? What on earth would mine? “But—I love him,” I cried softly.
“I know you do, you probably always will. He was your first love and you share such a history. I’m not trying to be mean. I just don’t want to see you setting yourself up to get hurt again.”
“I know…and I appreciate your honesty. I just miss him and want with all my heart to go back in time.” My eyes began to fill; a single tear dropped and ran slowly down my cheek.
“I don’t mean to upset you. I know this whole situation is so hard for you. Let’s not talk about it anymore, okay?” Liz suggested. “You know I will always be there if you need me.”
I could see her genuine sadness for me. I also knew she was only telling me what someone needed to. I took a deep breath and gathered my inner strength. I couldn’t go there all upset when I didn’t even know why he wanted to see me.
Our food arrived and we talked about things other than Danny. We didn’t stay long after we ate. We got in her car and she drove me back to my house.
“Do you want me to stay with you until it’s time to go see him?” she asked.
“No, it’s okay. I know you need to get up early tomorrow. I’ll be okay. I promise.”
“Okay, if you’re sure? I’ll keep the phone by my bed if you need to call me later,” she said.
“Thank you! Hopefully, I won’t have to call you. Goodnight.” I opened the door and stepped out of the car. I made my way up the stairs and went inside. I went up to my room and thought about what she told me…hoping to have a life with someone that had married another. How wrong it was and I knew she was right. How did I get in this place in my life?
When I got in my car, my heart began to race. I felt so anxious and nervous to see him. I just wanted to be there and to know why he wanted me to come.
When I got there, his boss came over to my car and told me Danny was on a call. He said he would be there soon. When I saw his car pull in a few minutes later, my heart began to race again, and my hands instantly became sweaty.
“Hey, were you waiting long?” Danny asked as he was getting in my car.
“No, I haven’t been here long,” I replied, maybe too fast.
“I’m off for a couple hours. Let’s go drive somewhere, okay?” he asked as he closed the door.
“Should I be worried?” I asked with a laugh, but with a hint of seriousness.
He didn’t answer, but only stared out the car window.
“Now you are really scaring me!” I exclaimed, extremely scared. I drove as the silence in the car continued. I found myself driving to our familiar spot. It was by the docks, nice, peaceful, and beautiful. If it was going to be bad, then it might as well be where I got this last fateful news. I pulled over and turned the car off. I turned toward him and our eyes connected.
“I always seem to have to apologize to you. I don’t want to hurt you. I really hope that you believe that,” he said softly. “I have been selfish. I have made some huge mistakes, ones that I can’t go back and change. It is my fault this all has happened. You didn’t do anything wrong, you know that. I am the one who messed up…but I can’t let my mistakes keep hurting you and holding you back from the happiness you should have. I also didn’t want to let you fully go. My love for you is not like any other I have ever known. I try to move on and try to forget you, but honestly, something always happens that reminds me of you or I see something…” He paused and looked at me.
“I don’t know what you expect me to say. I don’t know what this is leading to. I try to get on with my life, too, but—I love you and you should have been with me!” I cried.
“I have tho
ught about this and I want you to understand before I tell you, that I’m not doing this to hurt you. Actually, it’s quite the opposite.” His words hung in the air.
“Please just tell me. I do believe you wouldn’t set out to hurt me. Sadly, that is what keeps happening, though, doesn’t it?” I asked almost in a whisper.
“I’m going to move away. I am going to move off Long Island. Actually, we just got a place upstate.”
“What?” I screamed.
“I am so sorry! I really am! This is hard for me too, but we need to get on with our lives. I can’t seem to do it and you can’t either. It’s the only way that maybe it will work, if I move away. I need to give my marriage a try and…I just haven’t fully been able to do that when I’m still thinking of and still loving you. This way, we won’t be able to see each other and we can both move on, like we should have done a long time ago.” Danny’s voice was filled with sadness.
There was a long pause before I got the strength to say anything. We sat in silence, staring out the windows. It was so quiet I thought I could hear our heartbeats, as two hearts were ripped in two, instead of the single heart we shared not so long ago.
His words stung like a huge open cut with alcohol being poured into it. My heart hurt, my head hurt, and emptiness filled me. Yet, I knew deep down after the shock of his words ringing in my head, that he was right. “You’re—right,” I finally spoke as the tears racing down my cheeks began to roll down my neck. I took some deep breaths and tried to keep my composure. I needed to let him go, I knew I did. Deep down, it was the right thing to do—to finally set him free. “I’ve never fully been able to move on with my life. I try, but—there is always that part of me that thinks of you, loves you.”
“I will never forget you…I will always love you, please never forget that.” He gazed deeply into my eyes…those eyes that always turned me to Jell-O.
I had to stop looking at him. It was only making it harder, knowing this was where our story would really end.
“What we had was—is—unique,” Danny mumbled.
I stared at him with tear-filled eyes. “It will be so hard,” I gasped through my tears. “I always knew if I really needed you, you really weren’t far away.” I knew I needed to stop—I needed to not make this any harder than it already was, but the tears just wouldn’t stop falling.
“Please don’t cry,” he said as he reached over and wiped away some tears. “You know I hate when you cry; it breaks my heart. You will find someone, I know you will, someone who will love you and treat you the way I always should have, the way you really deserved.”
Through the tears, I manage to say, “I do deserve happiness and someone who can be mine all the time. Someday, some way, I will find it, but my love for you—that is forever and always. There will always be a part of me that will remember—will still think of you.”
He hesitated before saying, “I know…” His voice faded away and I heard him take a deep breath. “I’m not going to call you before I leave. I think us talking or seeing each other again, will be just too hard, this is hard enough.”
“So, this is really goodbye?” Even though I knew the answer and I knew it was for the best, a part of my soul was leaving and I would never be whole again. My sobs began to get uncontrollable, as silence filled the air and my tears were all that was left.
He opened his car door, walked around to my side of the car and opened my door. He took my hand and pulled me toward him, out of the car. He took me in his arms and made me look at him. “Please…stop crying…this is so hard. You know I love you,” Danny whispered as he gazed into my soul and kissed me gently.
He held me tightly until I was finally able to calm down. I didn’t have words. There was so much I wanted to say, needed to say, knowing this would really be our last time together. Yet, I found myself at a total loss and knew deep down, nothing would change our reality, our destiny.
“I’ll drive the car. I don’t think you’re in any shape to drive. I just couldn’t tell you something like this over the phone, I just had to see you and tell you in person. I-I’m sorry. You will never know just how sorry I am.”
I nodded my head in agreement, as our last hug and last kiss died, just like a beautiful rose when its petals whither and begin falling to the ground.
I don’t remember the drive back to the taxi. I just knew it was too fast. There were no more words to say. Saying anything more at that time would only have made it worse than it already was.
He pulled over and got out of the car. He went around to my side of the car and opened my door.
I hesitated slightly before I gathered up enough strength to get out and stand.
Our eyes locked, maybe too long.
“I will love you! Always and forever!” he said.
I wanted to just feel his arms wrapped around me again, yet I knew we couldn’t. It was over. The longer we dragged this out the harder it would be. “I will love you too! Forever and Always!” I whispered as my tears began to slowly roll down my cheeks.
I watched for a moment as he walked away. I walked around to get in the car and sat down. I glanced up to the rear-view mirror, wondering where he was. It was dark and I couldn’t see his face but I saw his silhouette. He was watching my car as I finally put the car in drive and slowly pulled away. I looked in the mirror until he faded and was gone from my sight. Our love was now just a memory.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
Six months later
“Kyle and Eric should be here soon, you almost ready?” Leslie questioned.
I was fumbling around in the bathroom, putting the finishing touches on my makeup. “They should be here soon,” I repeated, laughing, because I knew she was so impatient to see Eric again. We were smart in setting her up with him; they got along really well.
“I really like his friend,” I heard her echo through the door.
A huge smile filled my face as I remembered how much she seemed to light up when we introduced them to each other.
“Have I told you lately how happy I am that you and Kyle worked things out and decided to give it another chance?” Her enthusiastic voice filled the air.
“I know, me too.” I glanced at my own reflection and saw a glimmer of light behind my once-darkened eyes.
My mind began to wander and I had an imaginary conversation with Kyle:
“You look really great tonight!” I haven’t seen you in so long, how is everything?” Kyle asks.
“I am doing great! Been really busy with work and getting some things straightened out in my life, but I am good, really good.” Maybe for the first time in a long time, I think to myself.
“Do you think you could hang out until I get off? We can go talk and catch up?” he questions.
“Sure, that would be really nice. It really has been a long time.” A smile fills my face, something I haven’t been able to do for a long time. It had been six months since that fateful night that turned me upside down.
“I have missed seeing you. Okay, let me get back to work and we will talk later,” he said as he moved away, smiling. He needed to get drinks for people who’d been patiently waiting while he chatted with me.
I walk away and find my friends. I tell them that I’m going to stay and go out with Kyle after he gets off. I think they smiled even brighter than me.
I find him gazing at me the rest of the night as I dance until I can no longer feel my feet. The time goes by really quickly and before I know it, he is finally off work.
We get into his car. Winter is starting, so it’s really cold. We sit in his car waiting for it to warm up.
“I really am glad you decided to come tonight,” he says.
“Me too, it was a lot of fun. I haven’t danced so much, in so long,” I say, laughing.
We drive to my house, but sit in his car for hours, catching up. Having known each other and being together on and off for the last ten years, talking comes easy for us.
“I want to take you out. Are you free tomo
rrow night?” he asks.
“Yeah, I would like that,” I answer, thinking this feels right, this feels really right.
He leans over, gives me a soft, quick kiss and a hug.
I open the door and get out of the car.
“I will pick you up at 7:00, okay?”
“Sounds perfect, see you tomorrow, or should I say later?” I laugh, realizing it is already morning, as I close the car door.
I walk into my house and make my way to my room, completely exhausted, yet exhilarated at the same time. It takes me a while to fall asleep and I don’t wake until the afternoon. It takes me the rest of the day to figure out what to wear tonight.
When he picks me up at 7:00, he tells me that he couldn’t stop thinking about me all day. Actually, he wished he had said he was coming earlier. He drives us to a nice restaurant.
We sit at a table and I look at him across the table.
He is staring at me, very deep in thought. “I shouldn’t have ever let you go.” His words ring in my ears. “I don’t want to risk losing you again. Will you please go out with me again?”
“Yes!” I say as I am filled with a feeling that I thought would never be a part of my life again.
“Will you hurry up; they are going to be here.”
Leslie’s words broke into my daydreaming. “Okay, sorry. I was just thinking. I’m ready.” I took one last glance in the mirror to see how I looked, and then I heard the doorbell ringing.
The next two months with Kyle were nothing less than perfect. For the first time in our history, we really seemed to be on the same page. Since my family already knew him, and his family knew me, we fell back into each other’s lives so easily.
~* * * *~
“Merry Christmas,” Kyle said as he handed me a tiny box.
The room was filled with presents everywhere. The Christmas tree lights were glistening in his eyes as he watched me closely while I took the box from his hands.
“Merry Christmas,” I replied as I opened the box. Inside was a beautiful heart ring with our initials engraved on it. “Oh, my God…I love it!” I exclaimed as I quickly put it on my hand. I leaned over and kissed him. I got up and found his present. I got him a really nice watch, which coincidentally was also engraved with our initials on the back of it.
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