“Amanda, wait,” Dad said as I got out of the car. His tone was serious, and I worried he was going to give me another lecture about being careful.
“I’ve got to go,” I told him. I could see Anna bounding toward me across the parking lot, waving.
“I just wanted to tell you,” Dad began, stuttering and awkward. He didn’t look at me as he said, “You look really beautiful tonight.”
“Oh,” I said. “Thank you.” My face flushed.
“And be safe,” I heard him call behind me as I got out and closed the door, but it felt like an instinct, like something all fathers said to their daughters.
“Amanda!” Anna cried as I got out of the car, coming toward me with a broad, mischievous smile. “Amanda, look! Chloe’s wearing a dress.”
I turned toward the school lawn, where the setting sun had cast everything in a warm, golden glow, and saw Chloe in a red sleeveless dress that matched the color of her hair—just the shade that Layla had advised. I marveled at how lean and well-muscled her arms were and how lovely she was with her hair straightened and a hint of makeup on her eyes and cheeks—or how lovely she would have looked if she weren’t scowling and shuffling her feet like a sullen toddler. I knew the feeling, of course, since that was how I’d felt every day I’d had to wear boys’ clothes.
“Shut up,” Chloe said.
Grant arrived a few minutes later, his suit crisp and clean. He whistled when he saw me, his eyes wide and appreciative, and I had never felt more beautiful. I kissed him, and then we lined up for pictures, our arms wrapped like ribbons around the best present ever, and smiled so much our cheeks hurt.
* * *
The homecoming committee, under Anna and Layla’s expert guidance, had taken the “Heroes’ Homecoming” theme and transformed our drab, run-down gym into something out of The Odyssey. Canvases painted with profiles of Greek heroes slaying monsters lined the walls, hiding the folded-up bleachers. The ceiling was covered in blue streamers interspersed with hanging cardboard hydras and sea monsters. The DJ onstage at the far end of the gym even wore a toga.
I pulled Grant into the center of the crowd and danced with him as “All Night” by Icona Pop blared over the speakers. Something resonated in me whenever the singer declared, “We got the keys to open paradise,” and I felt too miraculous not to be moving with the boy I liked so much. I pulled him close, buried my face in his neck, and breathed him in, and realized I didn’t like him.
I loved him. I loved him, I knew that now. I tried to tell him, but the noise silenced my words. He cocked his head, and I just laughed and kissed him. There would be time to talk later. I thought of what he had said the other night, We have all the time in the world. We danced to song after song, my hair loose from my careful updo plastered with sweat against my forehead and my new heels digging into my feet, but I didn’t care. Finally, we were too worn out to continue. I kissed Grant and excused myself to the bathroom.
The halls felt like a crypt after the humidity in the gym. My clicking steps echoed off the rows of lockers and the chilly air raised goose bumps on my arms. I opened the bathroom door and paused when I saw Bee leaning against the sink with her eyes closed.
“Oh, hey!” I said.
She smiled and swayed in place. Her eyes were red and her cheeks were bright pink.
“Hi,” she said, slurring just a little.
“You okay?”
“Yeah,” she said. She blinked a few times, laughed, and leaned against the sink. “Yeah I’m fine. Are you fine though?”
“Of course,” I said, wrapping her in a hug. She sank into my arms and sighed happily, then pushed me out to arm’s length and stared into my eyes.
“But are you fine?” Bee said. “Are you really?”
“Why wouldn’t I be?” I said.
“Does Grant know yet?” She looked around for a moment and then added in a loud whisper, “About—you know.”
“No…” I said, confused. We hadn’t talked about my secret since Virginia had come to town, and I wondered what was on her mind. “I tried to tell him, but he said he didn’t need to know. Why?”
“You need to be with somebody who can share everything,” she said in a rush, and I could tell she’d been thinking about saying this for a long time. I suddenly remembered what Chloe had told me in the mall. “You’re so interesting and complicated—”
“Thanks, but—”
“And Grant’s so basic and normal.” She swayed and poked a finger into my chest. “That’s your problem. You work so, so hard to be boring so you can impress boring people.”
“I don’t,” I said, my stomach twisting.
“That’s not true,” Bee said, shaking her head. And then she reached out, took the front of my dress, and pulled me into a kiss before I could stop her. I pulled back immediately.
“What the hell, Bee?” I said, my voice tilting up shrilly. “What was that?”
“Oh, come on,” Bee said. Her cheeks were so red they practically glowed. “You’ve convinced yourself and everybody else that you’re this perfect, demure girl next door when you could be so much more.”
“Maybe I am the girl next door,” I said angrily. Bee pursed her lips and twitched like I’d hit her. I realized that under the bravado and the alcohol was a girl who had just made herself vulnerable and been shot down. I took a deep breath and softened my voice. “Listen, Bee, I’m really sorry if I gave you the impression—”
“Of course you’re sorry!”
“If I gave you the impression,” I said, going on, “that we were ever a possibility. But I like boys. I only like boys.” She stared at her feet in silence for a moment, her whole face going from pink to red. She sniffled once, and I thought she might be about to cry, but then she looked up and I didn’t see any tears. “Bee—” I went on, wanting to smooth things over between us, but was interrupted by the bathroom door flying open and Anna rushing in.
“There you are!” she cried, grabbing my arm. “We’ve been looking everywhere for you!”
“Give us a minute? We were just—” I tried to protest, but Anna was already ushering me toward the door.
I gave Bee a last look as we left, hoping things between us would be okay. “What’s going on?” I asked, but she just shook her head, and I knew enough from the ear-piercing kidnapping not to ask any more questions.
“There she is!” Layla cried as we came through the gym’s double doors and the spotlight fell on me. My eyes adjusted to the light and I realized everyone had turned to look at me. Grant appeared by my side on the gym floor and clutched my hand, smiling like a little boy. “You missed the announcement!”
“What announcement?” I said, my voice feeling strangely loud in the suddenly quiet gym.
“Homecoming queen!” Layla cried. She held out a silvery tiara that glinted in the light and hopped down from the stage. It took her a long time to get to me; when she finally broke through the crowd and wove the tiara into my hair my heart was beating so fast I thought I might die. She hugged me, whispered “Congratulations” in my ear, and she and Grant brought me back to an empty circle in the middle of the crowd. Music started playing, but I didn’t hear it. I just saw smiling faces pointed at me in every direction, Grant’s the brightest of them, and I felt myself in my own body being loved and accepted, and it felt so good it was almost surreal. This wasn’t my life. This couldn’t be my life. Things like this did not happen to girls like me.
I was drawn back to reality by Bee’s voice, just barely audible, yelling over the crowd and the music. Everyone turned toward the stage, a look of confusion on the faces around me. There was Bee, swaying badly, blinking glassy eyes against the stage lights as she grabbed the mike.
“Hi,” she said. We all winced at a sudden screech of feedback. “Yay home team! Sports!” She stumbled but quickly caught herself and looked straight down at her feet. “Wooooo football yay!”
“She’s wasted,” Grant said. I wrapped my arms around his and looked around the gym
. The reactions in the sea of faces were mixed, some angry, some confused, some laughing. I saw the chaperones panicking and one of them heading toward the stage from all the way across the gym.
“Hey, I don’t have long,” Bee said, waving to the oncoming chaperone, “so I’ll get to it. I hate this fuckin’ town, I hate this school, and I hate all of you, and do you know why? I hate y’all because you could be so great. So many of you are, like, one step away from being so cool, and you’re so afraid of nothing that you all pretend to be normal.” A ball of ice began to form in my stomach. I hugged Grant’s arm tighter and he kissed me just above my ear.
“Well, that’s over tonight. Callie’s had two abortions!” she cried, pointing at a heavyset girl near the stage. “Austin’s a fag!” she declared, turning to point at a shaggy-haired boy I didn’t know standing by himself near the punch.
People were beginning to whisper. People were beginning to look afraid.
Bee started looking around the gym rapid-fire. “Fucking the science teacher! Drug dealer!”
Her finger landed on Chloe, who glanced up and scowled when she heard her name. “Dyke!” Bee cried. The chaperone had been slowed by the crush of people near the stage but he was close now, just a few yards from the stairs. Bee pointed at herself and yelled, “Queer! Slut!”
And then she pointed at me.
“But I saved the best for last, y’all,” she said. “Look at our homecoming queen. Ain’t she sweet? Ain’t she beautiful? She’s livin’ the dream, right? I bet a lot of you guys’ve thought about her in the shower. Smart, pretty, but not pushy or intimidating … she’s everything this fucked-up place wants a girl to be.” The chaperone was mounting the steps. I couldn’t stop shaking. Grant held me close and in that moment I loved him so much. “But guys, guess what: She’s a he!” The crowd went silent, the only noise the sound of the scuffle as the chaperone finally made it to the stage and grabbed the mike from Bee.
A few people looked confused, but most laughed it off. As eyes turned to me I realized my hands were shaking. People started whispering to each other. Grant looked over at me, seeming unfazed by what he assumed was some kind of bizarre prank, and then he saw the haunted look on my face.
“Oh my God,” Grant said as the realization dawned on him, a look of absolute confusion and horror in his eyes. I wanted to say something, to pause and give us time, to stop the next few minutes from happening like I knew they would, but I couldn’t.
I ran.
27
“Amanda, wait!” Grant said. I barely even registered that I was hearing him until he grabbed my arm and stopped me just short of the gym’s double doors. I struggled for a moment and then turned to face him.
“It’s not true, right?” Grant said, letting go of my arm. “It’s just a prank you two came up with when y’all were stoned?”
“You promised you wouldn’t ever hate me,” I whispered, looking at his chest. Somehow that seemed to be enough of an answer for him. Muscles in his jaw jumped and twitched and I could actually hear the grinding of his teeth. “You promised you’d never regret being with me.”
“What?” Grant said, stepping forward. I stepped back and nearly stumbled, feeling sick to my stomach. Tears welled in his eyes. “You’re a boy? I remember what I fucking said, but how can you be a boy?”
“I’m not,” I said, my voice still low and soft, and for the first time I noticed the crowd behind us, listening intently. “I was…” I swallowed. “I was born a boy.” We were both quiet for a moment.
“What?” Grant said, his voice rising. “What does that mean? Do you … do you have a penis?”
“Do I?” I croaked. “I feel like you would’ve noticed.”
“I don’t know how this shit works,” Grant said, his shoulders sagging, “and you keep giving me half answers. Do you have one or not?”
“What’s it matter?” I snapped, finally meeting his gaze. Now it was his turn to back away from me. “What’s between my legs is officially not your business anymore, right?”
“Okay,” Grant said, and my heart broke when he didn’t argue. “But what’s that say about me then? Does that—” He took a breath and slowed down, saying, “Does this make me gay?”
“No,” I said quietly. “How nice for you.”
He noticed the people gathered around us for the first time and his face went pale. He started to say something else but I just shook my head. I wanted to be alone, in the quiet, perhaps on the wet grass outside so I could stare up at the autumn sky and lie down and feel nothing until eventually my body slipped into the earth and nothing became everything.
I turned to face the crowd. Some of them had their hands over their mouths, eyebrows floating high on their foreheads. They were all staring silently, my friends included. I realized I was still wearing the tiara Layla had hooked into my hair and I unwound it. Up close, it looked tacky and cheap and stupid.
“Here,” I said, tossing the tiara so that it skittered to a stop at Layla’s feet. She stooped and picked it up, looking from the crown back to me slowly. “I guess I’m disqualified.”
I turned before anyone could say anything and hurried out of the school and into the night.
28
I ran down the side of the highway as if possessed. My feelings were pouring off of me like sweat, like the color sloughing off a painting drenched in turpentine. A semi honked loudly as it thundered by. I cried out in surprise and tumbled to the ground, twisting my ankle. My vision swam from the pain but I took my heels off, stood up, and kept limping.
My feet were freezing and my ankle throbbed every time I put my weight on it. I looked up and saw the stars wheeling overhead, absolutely clear and present in air this cold, this far from light pollution. Last time I had come this way the heat had nearly beaten me, and the overgrown weeds had lashed at my calves while the cicadas watched and screamed, but now the cold was seeping into my feet and the wet was clinging to my dress and the stars were watching, disinterested.
I heard the absurdly celebratory Star Wars theme from deep in my purse and looked at my phone. Dad was calling—had called a bunch of times. Word must have already spread around town. I looked up from my purse and saw that a truck had pulled onto the shoulder a few feet away. I blinked against the glare of the headlights and held up a hand to shield my eyes.
“Hey beautiful,” Parker said as he pulled forward, his truck tires crunching the gravel like bone. The cab was pitch black for a moment while my eyes adjusted, but then I could just barely make out his face in the darkness. “Need a ride?”
“I’m fine,” I said, trying to speed up. His truck kept up with me easily and after thirty seconds of a near-normal walking pace I had to hiss in pain and stop to rub my throbbing ankle.
“I see you limpin’, bro,” he said, the last word hitting me like a punch in the stomach. I squared my shoulders and limped at a more tolerable pace.
“Please don’t call me that,” I said.
“Why not?” he said. I noticed his voice sounded strange. “Ain’t you Grant’s little boyfriend? And since I’m Grant’s friend, that makes us bros.”
“I’m not his boyfriend,” I said, turning and glaring at his silhouette.
“Right, right,” Parker said, “’cause he dumped you, I heard.”
“No,” I said, my stomach churning from shame and anger and pain. “I was never his boyfriend.”
“Well, what were you then?” he said. “’Cause you’re not a girl.”
“Whatever, Parker,” I said through clenched teeth. The hairs on the back of my neck were standing on end and I felt the metallic edge of panic in my blood, but I kept walking.
“Aw, I didn’t mean that,” Parker said. “I mean, sure, technically, no, you sure as hell ain’t a girl, but you look like one at least.”
“Okay,” I said, swallowing and glancing at him again. I thought I saw a flash of reflected light from his eyes in the darkness. He laughed, suddenly and loudly, making me jump and catch my brea
th.
“Relax!” he said. “I’m just fuckin’ with you. Now, hop in and lemme give you a ride.”
“Parker, please,” I said, “just keep driving. I don’t want a ride.”
“Oh, you want a ride,” Parker said, and as my eyes readjusted to the darkness I saw he was smiling wide but his nostrils were flared and his eyebrows were knotting together. “You just don’t want a ride from me.”
“I want to be left alone,” I said.
Another text from Dad bathed the inside of my bag in a blue glow for a moment and I remembered my phone. I pulled it out of my purse and tried to unlock it when the truck’s engine suddenly died and Parker jumped out. His huge hand clamped over my wrist. I looked up at him, wide-eyed, and slowly dropped my phone back into my purse.
“That’s better,” he said, letting go of my wrist. “Like hell you wanna be left alone. If you wanted to be left alone you’d’ve stayed a boy.”
“What are you doing?” I said.
“Walkin’ with you,” he said, easily keeping pace with me, his shoulders hunched forward and his hands in his pockets. I smelled something sour and sterile wafting off him and realized he had been drinking. “It’s dangerous out here. Don’t worry though, I’ll keep you safe.”
“Okay,” I said, wrapping my arms around myself and looking off into the darkness between the trees. His shadow stretched out past mine. I remembered Mom telling me how frightening men were, all men really, how helpless it often felt to be a woman among men, and for the first time I understood what she meant.
I reached into my bag again, my fingers curled around my phone, when the punch came. Something thudded against the side of my skull as the dark around me turned red and all the night sounds of the road were replaced by a ringing in my right ear. I stumbled like a drunk away from the road until I scraped my bare shoulder against a tree and clung to it. Parker was on me before I could fully grasp what had happened, his face inches from mine and his forearm braced against my throat, cutting off just enough of my oxygen that I started to gag and see stars.
If I Was Your Girl Page 16