Zack was a better man than Daniel.
Standing by the side of the table, holding her drink, glancing at the faces of one guest after another, Lydia tried to hide the shame she felt must be written across her face.
How could she possibly think such a terrible thought? How could she be so selfish, so unkind, to a man with whom she had borne three beautiful daughters? How could she even compare Daniel to Zack in such an unseemly fashion?
But she had done so. In spite of herself, ever since she had seen Zack again after all these years, the old feelings she'd had for him, those intense sensations of affection that had overwhelmed her during their initial courtship, had come back to her.
And she had been battling with those feelings ever since the moment Zack had emerged from the ranch house with that expression of sheer, unadulterated joy on his face. The one emotion she had forced herself so many times in the last week not to reciprocate.
Lydia had thought of Daniel on the way to the church; she had thought about him during the ceremony; and again here she was, thinking of her recently departed husband at the reception to a wedding which was beginning to seem more and more inappropriately hasty the more she considered it.
What was she to do? On the one hand she'd had to provide for her children, and she had done so in a way that had brought her many moments of satisfaction in the last few days. However, on the other hand there was a war going on inside Lydia, and she felt it keenly almost every moment of every day.
Lydia had loved Daniel, but he was now lost to her. The question that circled around inside her mind was insistent.
Now that she had found Zack Buchanan once again, did she, could she, dare love him?
CHAPTER SEVEN
The guests had all left, the early evening darkness had settled over the ranch, and Lydia had taken the girls upstairs after discovering that they were all worn out after the excitement of the wedding day.
Zack was starting to clear up some of the dishes when Mrs. Brodie came bounding into the room.
"Don't you dare do that!" she ordered him.
Zack looked up, a pile of plates held precariously in his right hand.
"In any case, I think there are some children who need attending to upstairs, judging by the noises I can hear," she said.
"What do you mean?" Zack asked putting the plates back down on the table.
"I heard some crying from upstairs," she explained.
"Crying? Who's crying?"
"Sounded like Gretchen."
"I better go up. See if Lydia needs my help," Zack said hurrying out of the parlor.
Zack made his way up the stairs. With every step the sound of muffled sobbing became more audible. He felt a gentle tug at his heart and increased his pace up the stairs.
On reaching the hall he slowed his pace, stepping gently lest he step on a creaking floorboard. He halted just before the girls' bedroom. The door was slightly ajar. He held his breath and listened to the sounds from the girls' bedroom.
He heard Gretchen's voice, quiet but with an obvious tone of distress. "But, why, mama? Why did it have to happen to papa?"
Zack heard Lydia's soothing tones. "Remember what we said before, my sweet one. Life can be hard. It's like that for everyone. And your papa was a very strong man. It's just that he was very unlucky. People get sick all the time. You remember when you had the measles." There was a pause and then Lydia spoke. "Your father loved you so much. He wouldn't want you to cry or feel sad," she said.
"But I do mama. I feel real bad. Seeing you today. You looked so beautiful."
"Thank you, Gretchen. That's a lovely thing to say."
There was another pause and Zack could imagine Lydia perhaps caressing Gretchen's hair, trying to sooth her pain. But then he heard Gretchen's voice again. "Do you like Zack like you did papa?"
There was a silence, almost as if Lydia had been taken aback by the question. Zack felt his breath stop in his throat for a second as he waited for Lydia's reply to her daughter.
"Of course I like Zack. He's my husband now," he heard her say. "And he's your father, too."
"No he isn't," Gretchen replied sharply. "He'll never be my father. Not truly."
"Don't say things like that, Gretchen," Lydia said. "Zack is a very kind man. Hasn't he been good to you all since you got here?"
There was a long silence and then Zack heard Kate's quiet voice. "I think he's great," she said bluntly and Zack had to suppress an appreciative smile.
"Me, too," he heard Daisy add. Daisy was always agreeing with Kate.
Lydia spoke up again. "I know things have been hard for you all. But, we're here now. This is a good place to live. You know that I lived here for a few years when I was younger. And I can tell you all that life here is going to be good. Really good."
"But it's so cold," Gretchen complained.
"It's winter, Gretchen. What do you expect?" Lydia answered.
"It'll be Christmas soon," Kate added with a hint of excitement in her voice.
"I want to be back in San Francisco," Gretchen declared.
"You do not," Kate answered with an emphatic tone.
"I do so," Gretchen responded and Zack knew there was an argument brewing between the girls. Time to make his presence known.
Zack stepped to the door, knocked gently and peered around the corner. "Can I come in?" he asked.
Lydia looked up and smiled. She was seated on the side of one of the beds. Gretchen was lying back looking cross, her head propped on a pillow. Her eyes were red, but she'd stopped crying and Zack figured she'd do everything she could to hide any evidence of her distress from him. Kate and Daisy were on their own beds. Everyone still had on their outfits from the wedding.
Lydia reached out a hand to Zack. "Of course. Come in. We were having a little talk. Weren't we girls?"
Daisy and Kate nodded. Gretchen's face was blank.
Zack went to Lydia's side and sat down next to her. He saw Gretchen shift slightly as he took his place.
"It's been such a lovely day. And we were talking about Christmas," Lydia said glancing at Zack with a knowing expression.
"Christmas. That'll be here before you know it," Zack responded.
"I was saying that Christmas can be a real fine time in Montana," Lydia explained. "And I'm sure there will be lots of things we can do to have a great time. Isn't that right?"
Zack looked at Kate and Daisy. Their eyes were wide and expectant. "Mrs. Brodie sure knows how to cook up a Christmas dinner. I can tell you that. And the ranch hands can throw a mean party. One thing I can guarantee is that there will be presents. Lots of them," Zack said.
Daisy's eyes lit up. "Presents? Can I ask for anything I want?"
Zack laughed. "Anything."
Lydia smiled at Zack. "I think Daisy has a list," she said.
"Really. A list?" Zack leaned across toward Daisy and Kate. He could see the excitement on their faces. "Well, if you let me take a look at that list, I can see what we can do about it," he said.
Daisy head turned quickly and she shot an amazed glance at Kate.
"Give it to me tomorrow, and I'll get to work on it. Okay?" Zack said.
Daisy's mouth opened and she looked completely lost for words. She nodded at Zack, saying nothing. Zack figured Daisy was impressed.
Zack turned back to Lydia and saw that she was smiling at him.
"You girls have had a busy day," she said. "Get yourselves ready for bed."
There was a universal cry of protest from all three of them, but Lydia shook her head. "It's late. Way past your bedtime. The three of you. Gretchen. Kate. Help Daisy get her outfit off," Lydia said standing. Zack stood up and took his place next to her. He watched with satisfaction as the girls immediately set about following Lydia's instructions.
Zack impulsively slid an arm around Lydia's back. It just seemed like the right thing to do. He noticed that she neither moved closer to him, nor further away from him. Her reaction was a neutral one. He glanced at her b
ut her attention was focused on the children.
"We'll come in later to say goodnight," Lydia told them. She turned and glanced up at Zack making it plain that they should both leave the girls to get themselves ready for bed.
Zack followed Lydia out of the room. Lydia pulled the door closed behind them. They paused in the hall listening to the sounds of the girls as they started to discuss how on earth they were going to get Daisy's outfit off. Zack smiled at Lydia. She crinkled her brows and shook her head.
"They're amazing," Zack said quietly.
Lydia gaze settled intently on Zack's face. "They're ours now," she said simply.
Zack looked back at Lydia. It was true. Those children belonged to them both now. Zack and Lydia were their parents in a very real sense. Whatever future the children were to have would be influenced profoundly by the choices Zack and Lydia made for them. And one of the choices they would have to make would be what kind of married couple they were going to be in front of the children. It was important that the children saw that Zack and Lydia were happy together. Close and content as a married couple.
"You're right, Lydia. Those kids are ours. There's nothing more important than their happiness," he said.
Lydia smiled at his words. "I know. And I'm glad that they're here." Lydia ran her eyes around the narrow confines of the hallway. "This house feels...safe."
Zack moved closer to Lydia and he saw her eyes widen. "I'm pleased you feel that way. I meant what I said when I made that promise to you. After today, I hope you believe me," he said.
Lydia's eyes narrowed slightly. "Of course I believe you, Zack. And I told you, being here means a lot to me. And to the children." Lydia glanced toward the children's bedroom.
Zack leaned in closer. Lydia rested against the wooden panelling of the hallway, gazing up at him. She looked so beautiful here in the subdued light of the hallway, still dressed in the delicate fabric of her wedding gown, which seemed to glow softly white in the confines of the narrow passageway.
"It's been a beautiful day, Zack," Lydia said.
"It has, Lydia. The best day of my life."
Zack saw a flicker of something cross her features. There were a more playful screams from inside the girls' bedroom and Lydia glanced over toward the closed door.
"A beautiful wedding day," she repeated.
Zack leaned against the panelling and slid closer to Lydia. She didn't make any attempt to back away from him.
"Wedding days only last until midnight," Zack said.
Lydia frowned slightly. She looked at him, questions hovering in her gaze.
"I guess they do," she said flatly.
"And then wedding days become wedding nights," Zack said softly.
There was a very long pause. They both looked at each other. Eventually Zack said the words which had been hovering in the back of his mind for a long time. For many nights.
"The bunk house doesn't seem like a place for a man on his wedding night," Zack said quietly.
He saw Lydia's eyes widen and her lips were drawn in to form a thin, tense line. She didn't say anything in response. Lydia wrapped her arms around herself.
"It's mighty cold out there," Zack said with a smile. Lydia didn't smile back in the way he'd expected. She didn't immediately match his playful tone. In fact, Zack thought she looked downright worried.
Lydia glanced again toward the door to the girls' bedroom. Her eyes shifted from side to side. It seemed to Zack that she was deliberating, considering how she should respond to what he thought was an entirely appropriate suggestion. But he didn't like the look in her eyes. Not one bit. That wasn't the expression he'd expected to see.
After a pause, Lydia looked at Zack and spoke in a quiet, calm voice. "I understand what you're saying, Zack. I really do." She glanced to the side again, this time at the door to her bedroom. What could be, indeed should be their bedroom. If she wanted it to be that way.
Zack leaned back. "I'm sorry, Lydia. I didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable."
Lydia reached out a hand and wrapped her fingers softly around his arm. "You haven't made me feel uncomfortable at all, Zack."
He sighed and shook his head. "Tell you what. I'll head on down to the bunk house..."
Lydia's eyes widened. "You can't do that. I don't want you to do that," she insisted.
Zack froze and looked at Lydia. "But. I thought..."
"I'm not having my husband spend his wedding night in a bunk house." Lydia said moving toward her bedroom door.
Zack watched her open the door. "The girls will be expecting their mother and father to sleep in the same room together. Wouldn't you agree?"
Zack frowned at her. "What are you saying, Lydia?"
Lydia glanced into the room and paused. After what seemed like an eternity she spoke to Zack. "I think for our first night together we can be here," she said pointing inside the room.
Zack went to the door. Lydia stepped inside the room and turned back to him. Zack paused at the door. The double bed was certainly wide enough for both of them, even if Zack now understood exactly what Lydia was trying to tell him. What she was saying had the ring of truth about it. In fact, there was no other way that they could even consider spending their wedding night together than this. They could share a bedroom, even if the manner in which they were about to share the bed wouldn't be the norm for a wedding night.
Nothing more had to be said. Zack could see the uncertainty in Lydia's eyes. He could even appreciate what it must have taken for her to even suggest that they share a bed when there had been no physical closeness between them since she had arrived.
And tonight would be no exception.
They would share a bedroom. But, Zack's heart sank when he closed the door behind him with the cold, hard realization that his first night with the only woman he had ever loved would involve him keeping his back to her throughout the entire night.
CHAPTER EIGHT
Lydia opened her eyes with a start. The bedroom was dark. The only light in the room came from the soft glow of the full moon. Lydia realized that she was not alone in the bed. The remnants of sleep faded away and she recalled the conversation from earlier in the evening.
The look on Zack's face as she'd told him he could sleep in the same room as her.
They'd tucked the girls into bed and blown out the candles and readied themselves to settle down for the night. Things had been awkward, but Zack had conducted himself like a gentleman, only entering the room when she'd let him know she was tucked up in bed.
Lydia shifted her head. The sound of Zack's breathing behind her was soft and regular. Lydia glanced behind her and saw Zack's wide shoulders. He was lying on top of the blankets she was snuggled under. He had a thin sheet drawn over himself and he was fully dressed with his back turned to her.
Lydia pulled the blankets up around her shoulders. Zack sighed in his sleep and shifted momentarily and then settled back down again.
Lydia frowned. How could she have done this to him? Accepted his offer that he should sleep with his back to her all night, keeping his clothes on, and sleeping on top of the bedclothes.
For tonight at least.
Lydia knew that things would change as she and the children became accustomed to living on the ranch.
Our ranch, she thought, correcting herself.
Zack had told her, in no uncertain terms, that she should consider the Buchanan ranch as belonging to her every bit as much as to him.
Lydia was a Buchanan now. All of her children would be Buchanans from now on. The sooner she got used to that, the better for all of them.
What did that mean? How had life taken such a turn for herself and the girls? It all seemed so unfair. Daniel had been taken away so suddenly, the illness overcoming him with alarming haste. And then the discovery that, for as much as her former husband had maintained the appearance of being a fine upstanding man, he hadn't been able to leave his wife and children provided for after his death.
It had been
the harsh realties of economics which had finally driven Lydia to reach deep into her past and claw out the only hope she and the children would have for survival. And Zack had delivered on his promise. He had simply kept his word with barely a hint of hesitation.
Lydia could see how Zack felt for her. She could see it in his eyes, the way he smiled at her, the constant little attempts to get close to her.
So, how come she found herself so compelled to push him away? Why couldn't she just accept that the man who was next to her, in the dark, on their wedding night, was a man she could trust completely, a man with whom she could be certain to find a long and lasting happiness?
Lydia closed her eyes. There were two reasons. She still hadn't gotten over the loss of Daniel. He was ever present in her thoughts. Every day some memory of him would suddenly flash into her mind. Images of their many days of happiness, the beautiful family experiences, the birth of their children, sharing the care, walks in the park, admiring glances from passersby. It was the loss of a sense of family that she'd had with Daniel that she felt so keenly.
Zack, by comparison, was almost a stranger.
That thought made her feel almost immediate regret. She shouldn't be so unkind to Zack. After all, he'd given up his life as a single man to take her and the children into his life, his home. He'd committed himself to their future, given all he had, just so that he could have Lydia and the children in his life.
This could not have been easy for him, she told herself firmly. He had made such a sacrifice that Lydia felt genuinely ashamed of herself for even questioning Zack's right to expect at least some kind of affection and, even, love in return.
Lydia quickly pushed that thought away.
Had she loved Zack when she'd first known him? She'd certainly thought so. She had been besotted with him at the time. They'd been so sweet on each other, had spent so much chaperoned time together, that Lydia had been convinced that there was only one person she could ever be happy with.
Zack's Montana Bride (Sweet, Clean Western Historical Romance)(Montana Ranchers and Brides Series) Page 6