“She won't." I laid my hand on top of his, rubbing until he relaxed it. "I'm a nurse and I've seen this before. We got to her in time. It's not going to be a pleasant experience, but she'll survive.”
“What if there's a complication from the alcohol?”
I refused to lie to him. “That's a possibility given her history and how much she drinks, but I believe she'll be fine.”
When the siren came on and the rig pulled forward, Nicholas inhaled deeply, shoving the car into drive. I simply held his hand and tried to give him strength to get through this. Somewhere inside of him, he cared for her...maybe even loved her since he told me once she was his longest relationship. I tried to think how I would feel if our situations were reversed and it was Kevin.
Kevin was the father of my only child. There was a part of me, no matter how small it was, that linked us in a way I would never be linked with anyone else.
Gaining a new perspective, I squeezed Nicholas's hand and uttered assurances and statistics to him. I told him the importance of Jessica going to rehab when this was over. As I did so, I noted his fist was clenched around the steering wheel again, so tight his white knuckles stood out in the dark. The moon rays fell through the windshield in front of us and cast an ethereal glow over his worried features. The thin line of his mouth was harsh and determined.
When the hospital was in sight, he was already taking his seat belt off. “Can you park the car for me? I want to be with her.”
“Of course.”
The second the car was placed in park under the awning of the emergency room entrance, Nicholas vaulted from the car, never looking back.
Chapter 13
The last few weeks of Emily's life I saw the signals of her body losing the battle. She was tired much earlier in the day, slept more, and developed a cough and fever. On the day she died, the sun shone brightly through the open blinds. Usually she'd wake, playfully grumpy and tell me to close them. That morning, she hadn't budged. Her heart rate was still steady, but I had seen death many times. I knew she only had hours to live.
I slipped from her room, keeping the door cracked in case she called for me and phoned the head nurse. I explained Emily's circumstances and that I would be staying the rest of the day.
As I hung up, Jessica exited her bedroom. She caught the look on my face and stopped. Her faced paled and her lips parted. “Is she...?”
“Not much longer,” I uttered, my voice stolen by sadness.
I didn't stick around to see what Jessica would do. For once, I wasn't concerned about overstepping my boundaries. Today was Emily's last day on earth. I would do whatever it took to make sure it was as good as it could be, with or without Jessica.
Closing the door, I saw Emily looking at me. Her solemn appearance in itself was disconcerting. She was normally always jabbering on about something.
“Hey.” I smiled and sat down on the bed next to her. She gave me a feeble smile. “Are you in any pain?”
At the shake of her head, she licked her lips and tried to clear her throat. I reached over and took the cup of water from her nightstand and put the straw between her cracked lips.
“Thank you,” she rasped. Her shaky hand took mine and I brought my other hand around in an effort to warm it. She felt so cold.
“Can I get you anything?”
She looked at me directly. I didn't see the eight year old little girl I normally saw. I saw an old soul who had lived a lifetime. An old soul who was ready to go home. “Will you take me to the park?”
I hesitated. “I'm not sure that's a good idea, Emily. You're pretty weak. You wouldn't be able to do much.”
“I don't care. I just want to go there one last time.”
The fact she knew this would be her last time to go to the park prompted me to agree. It was only a couple of blocks away and I could take everything with me. “We'll have to make it a quick trip, okay?”
At her nod, I helped her sit up and get into the wheelchair. I attached her IV fluids to the pole on the chair, and after a few minutes of adjustments for her comfort, we were on our way. I stopped to let Jessica know where we were going. Her hesitation was gone and she grabbed her jacket and came with us. We walked in silence, all of us thinking of the coming hours.
When the park was in sight, Emily smiled. She closed her eyes and I knew without asking her what she thought. This was her sanctuary, her place to forget about being sick and just be a kid. Today, however, there would be no forgetting.
We crossed the street and entered the park. Only a few other kids played and the mothers sat on the iron benches either reading or talking in small groups. I envied their innocence, their healthy children playing without a care in the world.
“I want to swing,” Emily said.
I doubted her ability to do so, but between me and Jessica, I made sure it happened.
We wheeled over to her normal swing set, the one next to the lily garden, and I helped her sit up. Jessica stood nearby, watching. Emily was so weak she could barely hold her head up. A part of me felt bad for allowing this, but it was what she wanted. Who was I to tell her no? When Jessica observed my struggle to hold her up long enough to get the blankets out, she placed her hand on my forearm.
“Let me do it,” she whispered. Her eyes bore into mine, communicating a clear eagerness to do this for her daughter. With an understanding smile, I nodded and stepped aside.
Emily seemed to notice Jessica for the first time. Her eyes widened and she watched her mother. Jessica knelt in front of her and smoothed her cheek.
“Can I swing with you?” she asked her daughter.
Emily glanced at me but didn't wait to see what I would say. Her eyes filled with tears and she slumped forward into Jessica's arms. Despite her small frame, Jessica picked up Emily with little effort and her frail arms wrapped around her neck. I felt like I was witnessing something meant only for them. Suddenly, I knew I should be anywhere but here.
Jessica sat down in the swing, maneuvering Emily so that she faced her. She put an arm around her waist and pushed off. The wind lifted Jessica's hair. I noticed she didn't look like she usually did. Her hair was clean, she wore makeup and her clothes weren't wrinkled. I imagined this was what she looked like years ago, before she relied so heavily on alcohol to get her through Emily's sickness.
Jessica closed her eyes, her veil of lashes fanning her cheeks. She bit her bottom lip and her chin quivered. She was a beautiful woman...or had been once...before life got in her way. I could see, if only for one moment, what Nicholas had seen in her.
Emily held on to her mother. A smile curved her lips upward and her eyes, too, were closed. Both seemed to be savoring the moment with each other. Such moments should have been plentiful, but they had all been stolen by pain and grief.
With great effort, Emily pushed past her weakness and raised her arms. I knew what was coming and a lump so swift and hard formed in my throat that I couldn't breathe. Jessica held on to her back and with closed eyes, Emily's head fell back and her arms spread wide. She inhaled the fresh air and the grin blossomed into a full smile.
My breath was stolen. I couldn't remember seeing such a peaceful scene. Before I fully registered her happiness, Jessica's laughter filled my ears. Emily's laughter came next and their voices entwined to form a duet. A sound so sweet surely would have gone straight to God's ears.
Tears streamed down my cheeks. To see something I had wanted so badly for Emily made me happy. Emily deserved this moment, this ending.
Emily leaned forward once more and she and Jessica spent another ten minutes talking and laughing. During this time, I walked over to the lily garden and knelt. I eyed each lily, looking for the perfect one. My eyes finally rested on a white one in full bloom and reaching toward the sun proudly. I pulled it from the ground and sniffed its sweet aroma. No other flower fit Emily so perfectly.
When the circles under the child's eyes became prominent, Jessica looked to me and I was immediately at her side, helping
her get Emily back into the wheelchair. When she was settled, I handed her the lily. She smiled brightly up to me and whispered a thank you.
The whole way home, Jessica held on to Emily's hand for dear life. Emily seemed to feel her desperation and held on tight, too. I could see the tips of her fingers had turned white from the pressure.
For the rest of the day, I was happy to remain in the shadows. Jessica sat by Emily's side as she slept. It seemed as though she tried to catch up for lost time. But that night, Emily's fever spiked and her cough worsened. When she asked me for pain meds, I watched her as I pushed the morphine into her IV.
The second she felt the drowsiness come over her, she grasped my hand, looking up at me with those blue eyes, pleading. “Give our picture to Daddy. He'll know exactly why I want you to give it to him.”
This whole day, I hadn't once thought of her father. Not once had I thought about the other half she missed by her side. She loved her father so much and I looked to Jessica questioning her silently, but she only avoided my stare. “Of course, honey,” I said and rubbed her head.
“I love you, Sophie. You were my favorite nurse ever. Thank you so much for everything you did for me.”
I pushed past the need to scream at the injustice of it all. “You're welcome, Emily. I love you, too.”
Next, Emily took Jessica's hand and squeezed. “I love you, Mommy.” I could see the tears welling in her drowsy eyes. My heart rate accelerated and I ached to take this moment and all the pain that went with it away from her.
Jessica stood over her and rubbed her head, looking very much like the mother I knew she must have been once. Her eyes glazed over with such love that I knew Emily could feel it. “I love you, too. You're my life, baby. I'm so sorry.”
She glanced back up at me and gave me a sleepy smile. “I'll take care of Victoria for you. I can't wait to meet her.”
And soon after that, Emily closed her eyes and drifted into eternity.
***
I stood outside the ER waiting room in the cold, wiping a silent tear from my cheek. I wasn't sure what made me think of Emily tonight, with everything else going on. The snow was gathered on the side of the road in mounds. In the distance, an ambulance siren wailed.
I kept going over and over it in my mind, trying to figure out why Emily wanted me to give him the picture of the two of them together.
Give the picture of us to Daddy.
And then, without warning, my heart stopped. It restarted with a great thud as the adrenaline shot through my veins.
Give the picture of us to Daddy.
It all made sense now.
Us.
Emily hadn't been talking about the picture of Nicholas and herself. She was talking about the picture of Emily and me.
The pieces of the puzzle fell together faster than I could process them.
Nicholas's casual mention of Emily wanting a mother who wasn't ashamed of her bald head. The indescribable look on his face as he studied the picture on my mantle of the two of us together. How, not long after seeing that picture, Nicholas told me he loved me with the promise of forever in his eyes.
And how stupid I was to believe that Nicholas really wanted me.
Instead, his guilty conscience was fulfilling his daughter's dying wish for me to be her new mother.
Chapter 14
I sat in the ER waiting room for over three hours before Nicholas emerged from the wooden double doors. He looked tired. His hair was rumpled from running his fingers through it, and as he came closer, I saw his eyes were red with dark circles underneath them.
“How is she?” I asked as I stood.
“Doctors say she'll make it. She just woke up a little while ago. We had a long talk about everything.”
“Did she agree to rehab?” First and foremost, that was where I wanted to see Jessica headed. She owed it to herself and to Emily to get help.
“Mostly.”
Nicholas didn't make a move, but I could see his muscles tensing as if he wanted to reach for me. So I saved him the trouble and walked into his arms. His relief was evident in the air rushing from his lungs.
He held me close, one hand cupping the back of my head. “I'm so sorry this happened, Sophie.”
“It's okay." I hugged him tightly, closing my eyes and listening to his even heartbeat. "If we hadn't stopped by when we did she wouldn't have this second chance. I think it's time for her to grieve for Emily and get past all this so she can live again.”
“Me, too.”
I pulled back and smiled up at him. “I take it you're going to be staying with her?”
Nicholas nodded after a moment. “Can I take you home?”
“Yes, of course.”
“You're okay with this?” I could tell he wasn't used to a woman who wasn't riddled with jealousy. Yes, maybe a small part of me resented the fact that this was happening now, especially since our relationship had just started. But Jessica's recovery was more important than any insecurity I might have felt. I was big enough to let it go. Besides, I needed some quiet time myself after figuring things out.
“Of course I'm alright with it. I want Jessica to get better.”
Nicholas pulled me forward for another bone-crushing hug. “She's asking for you.”
“What?”
“I'm not sure she'll still be awake, but she asked to speak to you when I was leaving.”
Pulling away, I studied the double doors that led the way to her. “I'm not sure that's a good idea.”
“I'll tell her whatever you'd like.”
With a deep breath, I took a step forward. “If she gets upset I'll leave.”
Nicholas nodded once. I thought he intended to go with me, but instead he sat down on a chair, rubbing his eyes. The weariness on his face called to me, but I ignored it and slipped through the doors.
Jessica looked horrible. In fact, that was being nice. Someone had cleaned her up a little but she still smelled. I cleared my throat and tried to focus on whatever it was she wanted to say to me.
Her eyes cracked a little and she perused me. “You were going on a date with him, huh?” she asked me with a scratchy voice.
I nodded. “He said you wanted to talk to me?”
Jessica struggled to hoist herself up on the bed and didn't get very far before collapsing again. “I just wanted to...” She licked her cracked lips and darted her eyes toward the water on the table next to her. I walked over to it and held the straw to her lips.
Once she was finished, she looked at me with wider eyes. “I wanted to say thank you.”
I stared, unable to comprehend why.
“You saved me,” she said simply.
“No, actually, it was Nicholas's idea to stop by and see you.”
Jessica frowned. “Thank you anyway....He won't stick around, you know.” Her tone wasn't bitter or jealous. It was as if she was stating her hypothesis for a science project.
My eyebrows rose. “Nicholas?”
“Yes.”
“Seems like he has good enough reason now.” My eyes trailed over her face to convey my meaning.
“He left me once, he'll do it again. This time I'm not pregnant. You better look out before he does it to you.”
“You never told him you were pregnant,” I argued.
“No, but I told him it was a possibility. He was gone the next day and I never heard from him again until I finally got through everyone to tell him about Emily.”
I struggled to make sense of it all. But with the events of the evening, everything inside of me was muddled.
“Music is in his blood, Sophie. He'll never leave it. I'm assuming he gave you the story that he was tired of his life and he needed a change. Maybe even go to med school?” She shook her head. “It's just what he does. He'll be gone soon, just you wait.”
I wanted to argue, but the truth was, I didn't know what to say. I thought I knew Nicholas but the reality was we had only shared a few days together during a snowstorm. Yes, we talked.
Yes, we confessed our feelings. But there was only so much you could learn about someone in so little time. I might know what he named his first puppy, but I didn't know much else. There was a part of him that he never talked about, never revealed. Even though I didn't know what that was, I was aware of its existence.
“I'm sorry he hurt you,” I said. I realized now that maybe there was much more to their relationship than I ever considered. Nicholas's casual dismissal of their “three month” relationship left me with endless questions. Had he loved her? Why did he leave her if he knew she might be pregnant? Those uncertainties and so many more scrolled through my brain like a weather warning across the bottom of the TV screen.
“Even if you didn't save me this time, Sophie, I'd like to try and save you.”
I closed my eyes as my bent leg swayed side to side impatiently. “I hope you feel better soon, Jessica.”
Backing up, I turned to leave.
“Thank you, Sophie,” Jessica called.
I turned to look into her face. I saw the remorse buried deep in the lines of her tightly drawn mouth.
I took a deep breath. “No, thank you.”
***
The drive home was stilted to say the least. Both Nicholas and I were preoccupied with our thoughts. Mine were focused mainly on what Jessica had told me and how likely it was Nicholas would disappear, especially since I now understood his motives for our relationship were based on Emily. But did he really love me? All this time I tried to tell myself that he did, but in reality, I knew our worlds were too different to collide. I realized that within seconds of seeing him at the after-party but pushed it from my mind in hopes that I could ignore the truth.
As he walked me to the door, his brows were drawn tightly. “I'm sorry our date got ruined, Sophie.”
“It doesn't matter, Nicholas. Jessica is what matters. She needs to get well.”
We stood in front of each other and I inanely noticed the paint chip next to the door handle. I fingered it, wondering how my life had gotten so complicated.
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