“You didn’t leave because I wasn’t out, did you?”
“You know I didn’t.” Georgina turned her head, breathing in the scent of Paisley’s soft, dark hair. “Is that what you wanted to ask me?”
“What?”
“When you got here, you said you wanted to ask me something…”
“Oh, right.” Paisley lifted her head, her hand remaining on Georgina’s thigh. “No. Just…I’m going to the Christmas markets in town tomorrow evening.”
“That sounds lovely.” Georgina had perused the Christmas markets in Scotland during a trip to Edinburgh last year. With couples scattered around, she thought about Paisley every second. “Going with friends?”
“No. Alone.”
A scoff escaped Georgina. “Trust me, you don’t want to go there alone. It’s depressing.”
“Will you come with me?” Paisley’s eyes brightened, that look she once had for Georgina teasing its way through the hurt and doubt. “I really would rather share the experience with someone.”
Ah, Georgina was just a someone. That stung.
“I was supposed to go last year,” Paisley explained, “but I decided against it at the last minute.”
“Why?” Georgina smiled when Paisley’s head returned to its position against her shoulder. Paisley would always feel good against her. If this was as far as it ever went, Georgina would have to accept that. So, for the moment, she would appreciate every moment spent with the woman she loved.
“When you left…things didn’t go so well for me.” Georgina heard the pain in Paisley’s voice. It was a sound she could live without hearing ever again. “I didn’t…I couldn’t cope.”
“Paisley…”
“I started to get terrible anxiety. I had panic attacks. Everything just felt horrible. I’d thought about taking time off work, but I couldn’t do that. Even though you had gone, I still wanted you to be proud of me. If you ever called Brian about the firm, I wanted you to know I was still working hard…doing what you’d employed me to do.” Wow, that broke Georgina’s heart. With each word spoken, she felt the stone-cold muscle in her chest tearing a little bit more. “After a couple of months, I had to see the doctor.”
“You had an appointment with him yesterday.”
“He’s reducing my medication,” Paisley admitted. “I’ve been wanting to get off it for a while now. It’s been over two years since I started.”
“What medication, Paisley?”
“Anti-depressants.”
That was the final straw for Georgina. She couldn’t bear this for much longer. So much time had been lost—wasted—and neither she nor Paisley had been in a good place while they were apart. Georgina knew exactly how Paisley felt. For a long time, Georgina had woken to a darkness hanging over her. Everything was dulled. Nothing in her life made sense, but she was still breathing. At times, unfortunately.
“Even though we’re not together anymore, I still feel better knowing you’re here.” Paisley tilted her head, smiling faintly when her eyes met Georgina’s blurred vision. “Hey, don’t cry. Please…”
“There is so much I need to tell you. That you should know.” Georgina’s voice trembled. “But not yet. This…how we are…it’s good enough for me for just a little while longer.”
“I don’t understand.”
“I want to be completely honest with you, Paisley. I have to be honest with you. I can’t do that right now, though. I can't lose this time with you. Not when I’m only just getting it back.”
“Can I stay a while?” Georgina was thankful that Paisley wasn’t pushing the conversation she knew they needed to have. Though it would eventually happen, Georgina wasn’t sure she would ever be prepared.
“You can stay as long as you want.” Georgina wrapped her arm around Paisley’s shoulder, pulling her closer. “Remind me to give you your things before you leave.”
“I will.” Paisley’s voice relaxed, her hand moving from Georgina’s thigh and instead wrapping around her waist.
Georgina pressed a kiss to Paisley’s head, closing her eyes as tears silently fell. “I don’t know if I can ever truly let you go,” she whispered. “I know I have to—I know you don’t love me how you used to—but I don’t know if I can do it, Paisley.”
“Don’t think about that right now.”
“It’s hard not to.” Georgina smiled against Paisley’s hair. “I kept you safe…but I’m still going to lose you. I don’t know how that’s fair. I did what was asked of me…but you’re not mine.”
“Gee…” Paisley lifted her head, turning it and slowly gripping Georgina’s jaw. “I’ll be forever yours. Whether we’re together or not.”
“That’s not enough for me.” Georgina’s eyes closed, Paisley’s calm breath tickling her lips. “God, I wish it could be, but it’s not.”
“Shush.” Paisley pressed her lips gently against Georgina’s, lingering as Georgina’s chest heaved. “Just…not tonight, okay?”
Georgina pushed her forehead against Paisley’s, revelling in the sensation of Paisley’s hand settling against her chest. “Okay…”
11
Paisley waited, tapping her foot against the concrete floor on the steps of St George’s Hall. Liverpool was packed this evening, the last remaining days of the Christmas markets before they closed until the following year. Paisley arrived early, worried that she would miss Georgina, but it wasn’t possible.
Last night had been incredibly overwhelming for both of them—Georgina saying how she truly felt—but Paisley felt lighter for it. She could try and she could force herself to fall out of love with her ex-girlfriend, but her actions would be futile. Georgina Weaver was everything she’d ever wanted…and now she was back. Here and very much willing to make Paisley her number one priority again. Take away the past—the fact that they’d both led miserable lives of late—and life felt like it was falling back into place. Paisley’s only hope was that one day, Georgina would bare all. She’d hinted at it last night, accepting that Paisley needed to know the truth, but as she lay in Georgina’s arms while a film played out in front of them, Paisley didn’t care. She didn’t want to know.
It had been hard to pull herself away from Georgina’s home last night; the idea of staying over seeming more appealing as the evening wore on. Paisley didn’t want to go head first into something she would only regret the following day, though. The issue was…she didn’t regret any of last night. Holding Georgina. Allowing her to be so close. Settling together on the couch. All of it felt perfectly normal and natural to Paisley. As though nothing had ever separated them all those years ago. It would always be there—the wondering—but Paisley knew in her heart that she had to let Georgina back in. She would be a fool to let her go when she was here and standing right in front of Paisley.
God, I can’t believe she’s back. Paisley’s smile widened—the tip of her nose frozen. Georgina would be here soon; she had to be. Paisley bounced on the balls of her feet, rubbing her glove covered hands together and bringing them up to her face. The temperature had dropped significantly tonight, the threat of snow in the forecast. Paisley would believe it when it fell from the sky; Liverpool rarely had the pleasure of waking to a blanket of snow. It’s certainly cold enough. Paisley followed the crowd, squinting as she tried to catch a glimpse of Georgina. Her phone suddenly vibrated in her pocket.
G: Hot chocolate?
Paisley stretched her fingers, her knuckles stiff from the coldness in the air.
P: I’m frozen. How long will you be?
G: I’m here. Meet me at the third stall on your right.
P: Are you watching me?
G: Trust me, it’s the prettiest view in the world.
Paisley shook her head, thankful that her cheeks were already rosy from the cold. It would hide her blush, there was no doubt about that. Smiling, she made her way towards the stall Georgina had requested her presence at, her breath catching when she found Georgina waiting for her. Wearing her very own woolly hat, lo
ng blonde hair draped either side of her shoulders, Georgina’s eyes shone brighter than Paisley could ever remember.
“H-hi.” Paisley composed herself. “Did you get here okay?”
“No, I couldn’t make it.” Georgina grinned, her pearly white teeth tugging the corner of her bottom lip. “You?”
“Prior engagement.” Paisley shrugged. “So, is one of those bad boys for me?”
“Oh, this?” Georgina lifted the paper cup, poking out her tongue and taking some of the whipped cream into her mouth. “No, it’s for my other woman.”
“Don’t even joke about that.” Paisley gave her a knowing look. Yes, Georgina had always had a playful side, but she had also had another woman at one time. One she called her wife.
“Sorry.” Georgina grimaced, her eyes apologetic. “Of course it’s for you.” She handed a drink over, Paisley thankful for the warmth against the skin of her hands. “You look cold.”
“I am.” Paisley brought the drink up to her face, cupping it with both hands. “You think it’ll snow?”
“In Liverpool? No chance.” Georgina shook her head. “Which is a shame because snow is beautiful. Even just a dusting would be nice”
Sadness settled in the pit of Paisley’s stomach. Georgina likely had snow for several weeks living in Scotland. Paisley was now beginning to wonder if Georgina missed that.
Paisley chose to ignore the feeling she’d allowed to take over her. As she’d made her way into the city this evening, she promised herself she would focus on the happiness Georgina made her feel. The life they once shared. It may have been short-lived, but in those months they’d been together…absolute beauty. Nothing could ever come close to those nights by the fire. Holding one another after dinner. It had been a secret, but one they’d both agreed they could live with.
“I meant to ask…did you need me to pick anything up for Christmas at your apartment?” Georgina slid her arm through Paisley’s, pulling her that little bit closer. “Food, drink, anything at all?”
“I don’t think so,” Paisley replied. “I have everything we need.”
“Okay, well if you happen to think of anything that you’ve forgotten, just let me know and I’ll pick it up.”
“You really want to spend Christmas with me, huh?” Paisley hip-checked Georgina as they slowly made their way around the market. “You honestly have nowhere better to be?”
“I’ve missed three with you…I don’t wish to make it a fourth.”
“Georgina, I only have one bedroom available at my place.” Paisley eyed the various stalls, her stomach rumbling as different smells wafted through the air. “I do have a spare room, but it’s filled with crap.”
“I’ll take the couch, it’s fine.”
“You can’t take the couch.” Paisley rolled her eyes. “You’re the guest. What type of person would that make me?”
“One who wasn’t willing to share a bed with me…”
That thought piqued Paisley’s interest. Her hunger dissipating, she wondered what it would be like to sleep beside Georgina again. So many times, she had woken in a cold sweat from those thoughts—those dreams—but that was now becoming a potential reality. Did Paisley want to share a bed with Georgina? Damn right she did. It didn’t mean it was the correct way to go about this, though. The moment Georgina snuggled up beside her, Paisley wouldn’t be held responsible for her actions.
“We could, I guess…”
“You don’t sound convinced.” Georgina side-glanced at Paisley. “I mean, we could do it at my place if it really would make life easier for you.”
“No. You want to be at mine and that’s okay.” Paisley dropped her arm, instead taking Georgina’s hand. Georgina looked down between them before returning to Paisley’s eyes. “Just go with it, okay?”
“O…kay.”
“I’m just trying something out,” Paisley explained. “I wanted to see if it feels as good as it once did.”
“And the verdict?”
“Jury’s out.”
“That’s a shame.” Georgina sighed. “Because for me it feels just as good…if not better.”
“You would say that.”
“Truth.” Georgina stopped Paisley close to the steps she’d waited on a while ago. She turned Paisley to face her. “Thank you for inviting me here tonight.” She placed a featherlight kiss to Paisley’s cheek, lingering for a moment. “It means the world.”
“Thank you for showing.”
Georgina touched Paisley’s face lightly. “I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.”
“Tomorrow is Saturday.” Paisley smiled. “Right?”
“Right.”
“And your birthday…”
“Please, not this again.” Georgina groaned, her nose wrinkling. “You know I don’t celebrate my birthday. It’s just another day. No big deal.”
“But you remember just before you left…” Georgina lowered her eyes, but Paisley immediately curled her fingers beneath her chin, lifting her head. “Hear me out, okay? I’m not reminding you to make you feel guilty.”
Georgina nodded.
“We had plans,” Paisley said. “We were supposed to hang out by the fire in our Christmas bed socks.”
“I do remember that.”
“So, why don’t we pick up where we left off and make that a plan for tomorrow?” Paisley suggested. “I know it’s a big birthday, but unless you don’t want to spend the day with me, or you do have other plans…I’m game if you are.”
“Paisley, I’d love that.” A tear slid down Georgina’s cheek, caught by the pad of Paisley’s thumb. “I’d love that more than any other plan for my birthday.”
Paisley narrowed her eyes. “Really?”
“Oh, my God, yes.” Georgina flung her free arm around Paisley’s neck, pulling their bodies flush together. “God, I could kiss you right now.”
Paisley stared, willing Georgina to do exactly what she was thinking. Paisley wouldn’t stop Georgina if she did kiss her but would feel different. Their last relationship had a constant veil of secrecy over it, so this would be completely different.
“Sorry.” Georgina pulled back, the disappointment in her eyes mirroring the disappointment Paisley felt. “Come on, let’s walk some more.”
Georgina watched every move Paisley made, smiling as her ex-girlfriend poked out her tongue, licking the apple sauce from the side of her mouth. This evening had been perfect in every possible way, and Georgina was slowly beginning to feel like herself again. One glance from Paisley, one word, and Georgina’s past faded that little bit more. As the time spent together increased, Georgina felt herself bound to Paisley for the rest of her life. She always had felt that way, but since her return, Paisley gave her nothing. She occasionally saw a hint of what they once had, but not enough to satisfy her worries. Tonight, it was the complete opposite. Tonight, Georgina felt as though she could be in a good place with Paisley. Her only issue now was the possibility of pushing her luck. She really didn’t need that.
Paisley continued to chew on the pulled pork baguette in her hands, her gloves removed to make life easier. Georgina wanted to take those reddening hands and hold them forever, keeping Paisley safe and warm. She wanted to kiss her skin, feel it against her own, never to leave the bed they once shared together. Georgina wanted so much…so much more than this.
“I never told you how great you look.” Georgina leaned in close, her hand wrapped around a cup of mulled wine. “But you do, you look amazing, Paisley.”
Paisley shrugged, swallowing the food in her mouth. “I had a lot of time to get myself in shape.”
“You’ve always looked good.” Georgina gave her a knowing look. “You know what I’ve missed most?”
“What?”
“Your freckles.” Georgina cocked her head, smiling. “So beautiful.”
Paisley’s cheeks turned a deeper shade of red. “T-thanks.”
“And I’m dreading the moment this night is over…”
“Me too,
” Paisley admitted. “I’ve had a great night with you.”
“But I’ll see you tomorrow still?” Georgina was beside herself with the idea of spending her birthday with Paisley. So many celebrations had been axed over the years, Georgina never wanting to celebrate without the woman she loved. But this year, finally, she would spend it in the only company she could ever wish for. “If you still want to?”
“I have a lot of preparations to get going…”
Georgina frowned. “Preparations?”
“Well, I thought I could make some cinnamon rolls in the morning before I come over,” Paisley explained. “My own homemade mulled wine, too. It’s amazing. And I thought for dinner we could have a chicken casserole.”
“You’ve no idea how sweet that all sounds.”
“I just want you to have a nice birthday.” Paisley smiled, offering her baguette to Georgina. “Try this. It really is too much for me.”
Georgina took the baguette from Paisley, taking a bite out of the side of it. Okay, it was good. She moaned, nodding her head as she chewed on the delightfully tender pork and apple. “Mm.”
“Told you.” Paisley leaned over, the pad of her thumb removing sauce from Georgina’s cheek. Paisley slid her thumb into her mouth, releasing it with a pop. “You’re so messy.”
“Me?” Georgina’s eyebrow rose. “You’ve got it all over the table.”
“It fell.”
“Sure.” Georgina rolled her eyes playfully. “You know,” she looked up at the sky, “that sky looks very white tonight.”
“Yeah, but we don’t have snow in Liverpool, remember?”
“I didn’t say we never had it. It’s just a rare occurrence.”
“I’m not lucky enough to be sitting here with you at a Christmas market when it’s snowing.” Paisley pulled her coat around her tighter, bringing her scarf up to her mouth and covering the lower half of her face. “That would be too romantic, Gee.”
“Was this supposed to be romantic?” Georgina placed the baguette down in the cardboard box. “I was hoping it would be, but I don’t know…”
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