by Kent, Julia
“I can honestly say that this is the best meal ever cooked in my apartment.”
We both know it’s the only meal ever cooked in his apartment, and at this rate, it will be the last. I can’t take it anymore. He’s making fun of me. But even worse is that he’s ingesting something I wouldn’t even feed to a dog. The look of shock as I snatch his plate away is priceless, but his hand is just as fast as mine when it closes around my wrist. I open my fingers, letting my arm go limp. Like a mother waiting up for her child to come home, my terror has been on standby, waiting to peek through the curtains or race through the front door to interrupt an otherwise perfect moment if needed.
How Arion manages to catch the plate before it falls, I have no idea, but then, I don’t know how he manages half of what he does. “And just where do you think you’re going with my dinner?” He pushes the plate farther away on the table then pulls me into his lap. “Breathe, Angel.”
Yes, breathe, Tess. Breathe. “I can’t let you eat that, it’s awful!” My words shiver with the effort of not slipping into insanity as every nerve sensor in my body focuses on his hand around my wrist. I swallow hard and tug softly.
His hand loosens and falls away. “I tell you what: if you promise to cook for me again at some point in the future, I will let you throw it away.”
My breathing returns to a semi-normal level, and the panic recedes to lay in wait once more. “Deal,” I pop up, grab the plate, and this time he lets me go.
He follows me into the kitchen like a puppy hoping for scraps of affection and opens his freezer. “Shall we commence with dessert?” He pulls out the carton of double fudge ice cream we bought earlier.
“Might as well.” I used to think chocolate could fix everything. Now I think it can fix everything but me.
He points me to the right drawer, and I grab two spoons then follow him to his couch. Every time I dip my spoon into the carton, he parries with his own, guarding the ice cream like a national treasure. Soon we’re both laughing, and the burnt enchiladas are forgotten.
“Why don’t you find us a movie to watch?” He tosses me his remote.
I’m flipping through the movies available from pay-per-view when he lets out a long sigh.
“It isn’t easy having you here—so close, yet you’re still so far. I always thought if I could just find you, we could pick up where we left off.”
I’m touched by his idealism, and saddened by my own lack of it. “That isn’t how the world works, Arion. I’m not the same person anymore, no matter how I wish I was. What can I do to make this easier on you?”
“I can wait until you’re ready, just as long as you know you’re mine. I’ll wait, but I won’t wait in line. From here on out, Angel, it’s just you and me. Deal?”
Fourteen
Angel
The two choices before me stage a battle, and no matter what I say, someone is going to lose. If I say yes, agreeing that it will be just him and I as soon as I’m ready, then he will lose even if he doesn’t yet realize it. As much as I want him and want to be ready to accept everything he’s offering me, I don’t know that I’ll ever get there. It wouldn’t be fair to leave him hanging on, waiting for a moment that isn’t likely to ever come.
And if I tell him no, not only will he be furious, but I’ll probably lose him completely. I’ll go to the farm, and he’ll go back to the one-night stands Chelsea mentioned. The ache of losing him when Nick ripped me away is a wound that still hasn’t healed, so it’s better for me to go on hurting but for Arion to have a chance to move forward.
I wonder who will hate me more for what I’m about to say, Arion or myself. “I’m not making any promises. Neither of us knows what the next few months will bring.”
To Arion’s credit, his smile doesn’t falter. And he doesn’t walk out. Just when I start to wish I could take my words back, he tosses his hat back into the ring. “Victory is always sweeter when it’s harder won.”
A selfless person would insist he give up or that they weren’t worth it. If I were a selfless person, I wouldn’t have left him without an explanation.
“Action or romance?” I can’t take the tension anymore, so I attempt to seek safer ground.
“Both.” The intensity of his gaze leaves me with no illusion that he plans to fight fair. Now I know the loser will be me. Because if he moves on, it will break my heart. But if we manage to make a go of it, he’ll have gotten his way and proved me blissfully wrong. Generally, I live by the motto, If you’re going to play, win, but right about now, I can’t even identify the objective much less the score.
I’m saved from having to pick a movie by Arion’s phone chirping the Jaws theme song. “Sorry,” he mutters as he digs it from his pocket.
“Don’t be. I don’t expect your normal life to stop just because I’m here.”
I can tell the call is something to do with the bar, because he’s suddenly all business. I’m trying to make it a point not to listen, so I study him instead. The lighthearted, almost lazy smile is gone, replaced by a thin set to his mouth. His brow furrows, and his entire posture straightens. Even though it often seems like Arion doesn’t take anything seriously except for his pursuit of me, I can tell he’s very serious about his responsibility to the bar.
He closes his phone and offers me an apologetic smile. “Slight problem.”
My recent life has been pebbled with more problems than flavors of coffee on a Starbucks menu. What’s one more? “Okay.”
“Vince—our cook—was just hospitalized with appendicitis. He obviously won’t be able to make it into work the next few days, and he’s one of the only other ones capable of handling the delivery truck and ordering, which has to happen tomorrow. I’d already asked Dougie, my assistant manager, to cover my shifts so I could get you situated, but he’s Vince’s son and wants to be with his dad.”
“Of course.” I nod sympathetically.
“Would you be all right with pushing back the trip out to the farm for a few days? Like up to a week, maybe? If you aren’t, I’ll take you tomorrow like we planned, but I’d like to give Dougie the week off.”
I don’t know whether to jump for joy or bemoan my luck. Obviously, I’m not happy that the poor man is sick—even I’m not that heartless—but the only real answer here is ‘yes.’ It warms my heart to see how compassionate a boss Arion is. Really, that’s the only reason I’m smiling. It has nothing to do with having another week to spend with him. Nothing at all.
Fifteen
Arion
I’m a total jackwad. A fucking lowlife. Scum. And I’m on top of the world.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m sorry Dougie’s old man is sick—that sucks. Dougie and I have been friends since we were kids, and Vince has watched me grow up. But if it had to happen, it couldn’t have happened at a better time.
Seriously though, what kind of asswipe is so happy his girl—or almost girl—has to stay with him a few more days when it’s because someone else is sick?
I’m such an epic fail, but I’m determined to turn this whole situation into a win. I meant what I told Angel. It won’t be easy, but I’ll try to keep my hands to myself and give her time to be ready. She doesn’t feel like she really knows me like she used to, and something has her running scared. Someone hurt her, but I’m determined to put her back together. I just need a little time, and Vince getting sick helps in that department. God, is it going to be hard to behave!
She’s just so freaking perfect. Even better than I imagined, and what little good sense I’ve got fails me whenever she’s around. Then, even when I’m trying to be good, she encourages me to be bad. This whole damn thing—us being together but not together-together—it’s impossible. The sooner she accepts that, the better.
I finally convinced her to sleep in my bed, and that I’d sleep on the couch. Her choice was to sleep in my bed and I’d lay with her or sleep in my bed and I’d sleep out here in the living room, but there was no freaking way I was letting her take the couch. I
t wouldn’t be right. So now I’m sitting here, staring at the wall, trying to talk myself out of going and slipping under the sheets next to her.
This keyed up, there’s no way I’ll be able to sleep, and I can’t use a workout to try to sweat past it. I bought my weight set and all-in-one home gym right after Angel disappeared. I spent far too much money on it. Far too much time, too, for that matter. It was the only way I could keep a handle on my thoughts of her. Anytime shit got to be too much, I’d throw myself into a workout. But I can’t go into my room and work out with her sleeping in my bed.
I’ve barely played WarQuest since she left. It was too painful, and her absence was too real. I logged in routinely just to check to see if she had come back online, only to log off in despair. Eventually, I gave up checking. Plus with all the working out I was doing, and the running of the bar, and the hours I spent telling myself not to think about her, there wasn’t much time left. I try not to feel guilty for staying away as my computer boots, and I settle into my computer chair.
The rest of our guild was pretty worried when Angel disappeared, though none were quite so freaked out as I was. Then again, none of them were as close to her, either. To them, she was one of our team of forty. To me, she was the only one who mattered. I can’t wait to tell them she’s turned up again.
Each time you log in game, the client has to load, and sometimes it takes damn near forever. As it processes, little sayings scroll across a splash-screen—usually the developer’s corny idea of humor. The first saying to come up sounds like it could have been written just for Angel and I. Until something is lost, it cannot be found.
At last the game loads, the game world appears around my character, and my chat screen is filled with a welcome message.
Welcome to WarQuest! Message of the day: All servers will be down for maintenance on Wednesday, July 9th for a scheduled update.
Arion has come online.
Guild chat begins to fill with greetings almost immediately.
LeeroyJenks tells the guild: Arion, dude where you been? Thought you musta fallen off the same cliff as ur gf.
You tell the guild: Ha freaking ha. Actually, you’ll never believe who showed up.
LeeroyJenks tells the guild: Wait, showed up there? Like IRL?
You tell the guild: Aye, hop in vent and I’ll tell you about it.
Obviously, I’m not going to tell them all the kinky, dirty, sexy details, but I need to share my excitement with someone, and I know they will understand. Plus, they’re her friends, too; it isn’t like I’m talking to strangers.
I hit a few keys on my keyboard to minimize the game and start up our voice chat program, called vent for short. It takes me a few minutes to untangle my headset cord and plug it in, and I hear the ping of others joining chat almost immediately. LeeroyJenks’s familiar voice is in my ear. He’s a bit of a hardass when he’s leading raids, but that’s his job as guild leader. The rest of the time, he’s pretty easy going, albeit a bit impetuous.
“Is she coming back to game?”
“I don’t know.” Honestly, I hadn’t even wondered about that. I make a mental note to ask her. “She just showed up here on my doorstep out of the blue.”
“Damn, dude, that’s awesome. Is she hot?”
“That’s for me to know, and you never to find out,” I say as a jealousy curdles my stomach.
Angel always refused to use Skype with video or send pictures anytime I asked. And I get it. Girls in game that are perceived as hot get a ton of attention because they are thought of as a rarity. She valued her anonymity, and I don’t want to screw that up for her. Plus, I don’t want to have to kick their scrawny asses.
“Can’t believe you’re holding out on us like that. Is she staying there or just visiting?”
“She’s staying with me for now, but soon she’s going to go—”
“No!” Angel’s panicked shout explodes from the doorway, and my head jerks up. With my headset on, I didn’t even hear the door open.
“What’s a matter? Angel, what is it?” Concern propels me from the chair, even while the mixture of fury and fear on her face assault me. I want to take her in my arms and make her feel safe while I try to figure out what I’ve done—I’ve got a pretty good idea, but I’m still not sure.
She shoves my hand away. “Don’t fucking touch me.”
The irony is crushing. Finally I can see the strong, confident, and in-charge Angel I knew, but she’s using it to push me away. “Whatever I did, I’m sorry.” She has to believe me. She has to—because the alternative is unthinkable.
“How much did you tell them?”
Is she worried I might have exaggerated—or been a bit too honest—about the chemistry between us? Does she think the guys in game are going to think she’s easy or a slut? I’d beat the shit out of any that dared, but I didn’t tell them anyway. “I didn’t tell them about any of the stuff we’ve done—or almost done. I promise. I just told them you showed up here. I was about to tell them you’d be leaving soon but not going far. That’s all.”
Her chest is heaving as she tries to contain herself. “Do they know where you live?”
That’s kind of an odd question. “How the hell should I know? You found me.”
“Did you send them all cards, too?” Her voice has reached that high, shrill octave that tells guys we’ve royally screwed up.
“What?” What the hell is she talking about?
“Christmas cards, Arion. Did you send the rest of the guild fucking Christmas cards.”
“Sure, I don’t know.” I shrug. I’m drowning in a sea of girl-speak, and I don’t even know which way is up. “But I seriously doubt they’ve hung on to them.” It’s just then that I realize that she did hang onto it and how cool that is, but it’s hard to be too excited with her glaring at me like that.
I can still hear chatter coming through my headset on the desk where I left it. Someone’s asking me if I’m still there. I’m just about to go sign out—I can deal with them later—when Angel whirls away from the doorway, back toward my room. Her shoulders are trembling, and I can hear soft sobs wracking through her.
“Wait, come back and let’s talk about this for a damn minute.”
“No, you’ve talked enough, I assure you. I’ve got to get out of here. Like right fucking now.” She veers away from my room, darting toward the front closet where I stuck her backpack.
She’s that pissed? What the fuck. “Would you just tell me what the hell is going on?”
“I can’t let him find me!” she shrieks, and suddenly I get it. The image of her running in the mall when she thought she saw her ex flashes through my mind like a neon warning sign.
It isn’t that she’s that pissed; it’s that she’s that scared. Bloody hell.
I grab her shoulders and she tenses, but I don’t let go. “Listen to me. No one will hurt you ever again, do you understand me? I won’t let them. So you and I are gonna go sit on my bed, and you’re gonna tell me everything.”
She opens her mouth as I scoop her into my arms, lifting her against my chest.
“Enough. No more games. No more secrets. I need you to tell me the truth.” If she doesn’t tell me, it makes it harder for me to protect her, and whether she knows it or not, I’d protect her with my life. It’s time for us to talk.
Sixteen
Angel
I’ve gone past the roads of rational and reasonable, and I’m driving straight toward raving lunatic, but I don’t care. “Put me down,” I pound against him as he opens his bedroom door with a shove of his hip. I’ll admit I’ve wondered what he could do with those hips, but this was not at all what I had in mind.
He just shakes his head, an infuriatingly determined grimace plastered on his face.
“I mean it; I’ve got to get out of here. It isn’t safe if he can find me!”
He drops me unceremoniously on the bed, but in fairness, with the way I was struggling it was about all he could do. His nose is inches from mine a
s he leans over me, bracing himself against the bed. “I take care of what’s mine. Doesn’t matter if they are my family, my girlfriend, or just my friend. Around here, we take care of our own.”
“And which of those am I?” I stop squirming, staring up at him, as afraid for the answer as I am desperate for it.
He closes his eyes for a moment and releases a very determined breath. “I hope all three, at least eventually. But right now you’re going to be the damn death of me if you don’t tell me what you’re running from.”
There’s no way he could know just how right his words might be. If Nick finds us… hot, salty tears roll from my eyes. Arion slides an arm beneath me, scooting me over on his bed and then laying down beside me. He gets us situated so I’m cradled against his chest and both his arms encircle me. I know I should fight this. He’s being heavy-handed and bossy, and I shouldn’t let him get away with it. But he’s also radiating comfort and understanding, and being against him feels right and good.
My anger subsides, leaving me limp like a deflated balloon. His breath hums a soothing lullaby, steady beside me. I would think he’d fallen asleep if not for the slow circles his fingers are tracing on my arm. The blanket of silence presses over us, weighted and heavy to the point of being uncomfortable, and finally I have to speak. “Are you sure you want to know? You might see me differently and not even want me here.”
Arion shifts beside me, scooting until I’m lying flat on my back looking up at him as he balances on his side next to me. I can see he doesn’t believe me even before he answers. “I doubt it. I’ve done nothing but want you here since we met.”
There’s no way I can tell him everything, no matter what he says. It isn’t safe for either of us. But maybe I can tell him enough to make him understand. “You remember how I worked at a cafe at home?” He nods as my doubts creep back. Looking at him while trying to say these things overwhelms me. I turn so my back is spooned against him and his arms slide around me while I stare at the opposite wall. “I met a guy. Nick.” I pause again, dreading his reaction. To say Arion has a jealous streak is like saying the sky is blue. It’s indisputable.