“Oh, god, yes. Ooooh, Diego.” I jerk against him as my body feels like an explosion happened inside. Diego grunts, pumping against my hand and I know he’s coming. He slumps against me, breathing hard into the crevice of my neck.
After a moment, he looks up and kisses me softly. “Thank you.”
I smile, brushing my fingers over his stubble covered cheek. “The pleasure was mine.”
His forehead is still creased with concern. “We have to figure this out.”
“You do. I already know what I want. You have to figure out what you want. We can run around in secret, touching and kissing whenever we can. You can sleep in my arms and steal glances, but one day, we’ll take the clothes off and we’ll make love. I’m afraid you’ll regret it. I never want to be the reason you’re sad or hurt.”
“You never could be. I’m conflicted. I love my church and what I do. It’s always been enough, but it’s not now. Not when you are so close.”
“What do you need from me? Space? Time? What?”
“I don’t know. I can’t think straight when you’re in front of me. All I want is another touch, one more kiss.”
I smile, stepping back slightly. “I’ll give you a few days. I think you need it.”
“You’re leaving me?”
“I’m going home. I’ll be back Monday to work. I want you to be able to think clearly, and neither of us do that well when we’re together. I want every decision you make about me to be the best one for you.”
“You are selfless.”
“No, Diego, I’m not. I want you and I think after you have time to think about it, you’ll know what to do.” I button my blouse. “Until then, I’ll hope your decision is in my favor.”
“The only way I can be with you is to leave the priesthood.”
“I know.”
“I don’t know if I can.”
I nod. “I know, Diego.” I pick up my clutch from his desk. “Take the time alone to think about it. Us. What we could be.” I smile. “But think about your future too. Decide which one looks better. The one with the church or the one with me.”
I force myself to leave as tears sting my eyes. I know I’m doing the right thing. He has to make this decision. Not me. I already know what I want.
Chapter Four
Diego
After Julia leaves, I sit in my chair rubbing my forehead. She’s right, of course. I’m acting impulsively when she’s around. All the common sense in the world doesn’t matter as soon as I see her. I stand and walk out to the altar, kneeling before it.
“I throw myself on your mercy, oh Lord. Help me in my time of weakness.” I close my eyes, pressing my forehead on the cold marble floor. “I want her desperately. I want to go to her right now.” I look up at the life size crucifix hanging in front of me. “Did you suffer these temptations of the flesh? Did you love? Did you have to leave her behind to lead your flock?” Part of me expects a lightning bolt to shoot from the sky and strike me down for my failures. The other part hopes there is forgiveness for what I’ve already done. What I may still do. “Do I let her go? The woman I’ve loved my entire life since I understood what love was? Do I throw away spiritual love and fulfillment for the warmth of her arms. Do I give up everything for another kiss?” The church is silent. No response comes. I stand and walk upstairs to my apartment. Alone.
∞∞∞
I stand near the entrance greeting people as they come in to attend mass, surprised when Julia and Erika approach.
“Good morning, Father Montesanto,” Julia says, offering a sweet smile that belies the passion she carries. “How are you this fine Sunday morning?”
“I’m well, child, and you?”
“Wonderful.”
“Good to hear. Erika.”
“Morning, Father.”
They walk past me and I force myself not to follow her. She’s wearing a demure dress with a sweater covering her shoulders, looking almost as young and shy as the fifteen year old girl I met. Once everyone is in, I walk to the front and we being mass. Fortunately for me, we have a guest priest delivering the homily and I can just sit here in my thoughts. As mass progresses, I glance at Julia numerous times who seems to be attentively listening to the homily. Father Ignacio speaks of love and relationships and how sometimes we must sacrifice some part of ourselves for the benefit of the other and the harmony of the relationship. He discusses how romantic love is ordained and designed by a loving God who wants his children to thrive in this challenging world. My eyes shift back to Julia just as she glances at me. She smiles, tucking a lock of her gorgeous hair behind her ear.
Father Ignacio finishes his talk and we begin the process of communion. My breath catches when I see Julia join my line. When she reaches me, she smiles and opens her mouth, extending her tongue to me.
“The body of Christ.” I place the wafer on her tongue and she holds it in her mouth.
“Amen.” She smiles. “Thank you, Father.”
I clear my throat as I hold out the goblet filled with wine. “The blood of Christ.”
She takes a sip as I tip the cup to her. “Amen.”
She bows her head and walks away. I swallow hard taking a moment to compose myself again, even though I can feel my body react to her. I look up and continue my duties. Finally mass is over, and I stand at the door chatting with members of the church. Julia and Erika walk up to me.
“Did you enjoy the service?”
Julia nods. “I thought it was inspired. Almost as if God wanted me to hear it. Or someone.”
“Yes, Father Ignacio always seems to deliver the right message at the right time.”
“Thank you for communion. It’s been such a long time for me, but since I had confession recently I thought it was okay.”
A smile pulls at my lips. “It’s always okay to have communion if you feel called to it.”
“Good to know.”
My eyes shift briefly to Erika who watches us intently. “I suppose I’ll see you both tomorrow at work.”
“We’ll be here.”
“See you then.”
The two women leave and I exhale slowly, before greeting the next in line. I want to chase her down the street, rip off that dress and worship at her feet, but instead I focus my attention on my tasks.
∞∞∞
The next morning when I walk into the church, she’s already there along with several others. Sister Louisa hovers over them, and I realize I don’t have a chance to speak privately with her, so I approach the group and greet them as a whole. I walk to each person studying their work and spending a few minutes talking, but slowly make my way to Julia. She looks up at me and smiles.
“Morning, Father.”
“Morning. How is it going so far?”
“Good I think. Sister Louisa seems pleased. She said she may assign me a bigger section soon.”
“It looks really good.” I step closer observing the fresco. “Almost as if it’s 1541 again.”
“That’s a nice compliment. I studied hard in school. I wanted to be good at this.”
“It paid off. If Sister Louisa is happy, then you’re good.”
“Exactly.” She smiles. “I should focus.”
“Yes, of course.” I walk away taken aback slightly by her businesslike demeanor, but it’s only right considering our surroundings. I spend a few minutes talking to Erika and another man named James before returning to my office. The thought crosses my mind that she’s using reverse psychology on me remaining so cool toward me, but maybe she’s just focused on her work. As I should be too.
Chapter Five
Julia
Four days of forcing my distance from Diego has me going crazy. No calls, no texts, no alone time. I wanted us both to see what being apart would be like, but maybe I’m the only suffering. Maybe that’s the answer he came to. I pack up my things for the day, chatting with everyone, but look up at the shadow above me. Diego!
“Excuse me, Julia, would you have a moment before
you leave?”
My heart races. “Yes, Father. Am I in trouble?”
He smiles. “No, not at all.”
I glance at Erika. “I’ll meet you at home.”
“Got it.”
I stand and on shaky legs follow Diego to his office. He closes the door behind me. We stand across from each other, just searching each other’s eyes before he speaks.
“I miss you.”
“You do?”
“I do. Do you miss me?”
“God, yes. Constantly.”
“I thought maybe you didn’t. You seem fine.”
“I wanted to give you space. I told you. I thought maybe you didn’t miss me.”
“I wanted to talk to you before I go.”
“Go?”
“Yes, I’m delivering the homily at a teen retreat tomorrow morning. I’ll be back Saturday morning, but I wanted you to know where I was.”
“Thank you. Where is it at?”
“Bologna. It’s an honor to be asked to speak to young people. They are sometimes the hardest to reach.”
“I imagine.”
Diego takes my hand and pulls me close, wrapping his arms around me. He kisses the top of my head. “When I get back, will you come over? Can we talk?”
“I don’t know. Have you made a decision?”
“I’ll be honest, Julia. I haven’t. I can’t choose between two things that make me who I am. All I know is I can’t spend any more time away from you. I think I just have to figure it out as we go. If you can be okay with that.”
“I can try. I wish it was easier.”
“Me too.” He kisses my hands. “I’ll be back in just a day, and we’ll go from there.”
I nod. “Okay, Diego.”
He bends down and softly kisses my lips. “See you soon.”
I walk out, feeling sad. Why can’t he just choose me? Why aren’t I important enough? I shake my head. That’s so selfish. It’s not like it’s a regular job. He’s a priest for crying out loud. I’m asking so much, but I don’t see how either of us can go on without the other.
I enter the apartment and collapse on the couch. Erika comes out of the kitchen with iced tea and laughs. “What happened with Father Fire?”
I laugh. “Father Fire? Hilarious.”
“It’s fitting.”
“Yeah. He told me he missed me and he wanted me to know he was going out of town until Saturday morning.”
“And then?”
“And then I left.”
She sits next to me. “How do you feel now?”
I study my friend for a moment. “Can I swear you to secrecy?”
“Dumb question. You know I got you.”
“Yeah, but this is big. Huge.”
“Hit me.”
“We’ve been messing around a little.”
“We?”
“Me and Father Fire.”
Her eyes open wide. “What do you mean? You told me you kissed, but is there more?”
“Yep. The last time we were alone, not counting today, I jacked him off.”
“Wow.” She nods slowly. “Wow.”
“And he did the same to me. Through our clothes, you know.”
“Damn, girl. Now that is fire.”
“Yeah. Every time we’re together, we get a little closer to going over the edge. I think it’s making him feel guilty even though he says it doesn’t.”
“You think you guys will fuck? You’ll fuck a priest?”
“Is it bad that I hope so? I want to.”
“It’s not bad. He’s a priest, but he’s still a man. A really good looking one.”
“Yeah. He said he can’t decide what to do. He doesn’t want to leave the church, but it’s the only way we can be together other than sneaking around.”
“You deserve more than that, Julia.”
“I know. So what do I do? I want to be strong and tell him if he can’t choose me, then we can’t do the stuff we do.”
“But?”
“I can’t stay away, Erika. I tried. I can’t.”
She rubs my shoulder. “My advice is probably going to be pretty scandalous.”
“I can handle it.”
“Instead of backing off and giving him space, I think you need to crank it up.”
“How?”
“Tell him how you feel. Tell him the future you can see. Give him a reason to get off the fence. Push him to decide.”
“If he rejects me?”
“At least you know. If that happens, then you can start healing and move on.”
“I wouldn’t be able to stay here.”
“No. It’s risky, but if you don’t, you’ll just be in this limbo, sneaking around and pushing the envelope.”
“Right.”
“Think about it.”
“I will.”
“Are you hungry? Want to go out and grab a pizza?”
I smile. “Yeah. That sounds good.”
∞∞∞
On Saturday morning, I wake up with much needed clarity. After strongly considering Erika’s advice and everything that’s happened, I know what needs to happen next. For my own sanity it has to happen. I read Diego’s text again inviting me over after confession is over. Perfect.
A few hours later, after throwing on a simple summer dress, I exit my apartment and hurry down to the church. I survey my surroundings, thankful the church is nearly empty. I slip inside the confessional, knowing what I’m about to do. I hear the little door slide open and lean back so he can’t see my face.
“Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.”
He’s silent for a moment. “What is your sin, child?”
“I am suffering, Father.”
“From?”
“The same problem I always have. Lust. Desire for the forbidden. Nothing eases my pain. Do you know what I can do about it?”
“No.”
“But, Father, aren’t you wise? Don’t you have guidance for me?”
“I cannot offer solace for a condition I also suffer from.”
I sit up, peering into the small opening. “Diego…”
“Julia.” His face is marred by stress as his eyes meet mine. “You should not come to me like this.”
“Like what?”
“Exploiting my mortal weakness for you.”
“I came for guidance. You said you wanted to see me, so I’m here. Now I want to know what you want me to do. Should I leave?”
“I cannot make that decision for you.”
“Make it for you. Do you want me to leave your life again? Tell me to leave and I will.”
His eyes study mine. “And if I tell you to stay?”
“I will stay.”
“I cannot love you the way you deserve.”
“Are you sure?”
“No.”
I consider my options. “May I have a private meeting in your office, Father?” I put my hand on the screen between us. “I have to tell you something important.”
His eyes meet mine again. “Okay.”
We exit the confessional and walk down the long narrow hall to his office. I notice how his robes drag on the floor behind him making him look so regal and noble, and I’m the terrible sinner about to bring him to his knees. I don’t care though. I only care about him.
Inside his office, he turns to face me. “Are you sure you want to talk here? We can have dinner and—”
“No. I want to talk now.”
He nods. “What do you want to tell me?”
“I love you, Diego. I love you.”
He shakes his head. “No, Julia. I’m not worthy of your love.”
“Not worthy? You are the most amazing man I’ve ever met.” I step forward, cupping his face. “I know you love me, Diego. Just tell me.”
“And then what?”
“I don’t know.” Diego paces the space between us, rubbing his forehead. “Diego?”
He looks up, completely distraught. I’m tearing him apart. I thought I could do it,
but I can’t. “I don’t mean to hurt you.”
“Hurt me? You think you’re hurting me?”
“I’m putting so much stress on you.”
He grabs my shoulders. “Why do you think I’m stressed? If I wasn’t conflicted, if you didn’t mean…everything to me it would be easy to tell you to go. I could look you in the eyes and tell you my vows come first. I could say my commitment hasn’t wavered, but it has. You are not hurting me. You are reviving me.”
“Reviving?”
“I’ve been dead for so long.” He closes his eyes. “So long. I suffered too much loss. Too many people left me. Too many people I loved.” His eyes open again, fixing on me. “I loved you, Julia. That day under the tree I fell hard, but you were ripped away. Like my mother. I grew up believing love didn’t matter. Earthly love. Only God’s love was enduring. Only in God could I trust I would not be abandoned.” His hands slide down my arms. “But then you came back. You came back and you remembered me and you looked at me the same way you did ten years ago. And your body called to me, reminding me that I am a man. A mortal. You reminded me that all I ever wanted was to feel loved. And now you stand here telling me with the sweetest voice that you love me. You think you’re hurting me, Julia, but you’re fixing everything that’s ever been broken.”
I step closer, pressing against him. “Kiss me. Please. It’s all I want.”
Diego’s lips part as if to say something, but instead he focuses on my eyes. I can see the question in his- should he or shouldn’t he? The heat radiating between us could start a fire.
“Diego?”
“I’m terrified.”
“Of kissing me?”
“Of not being able to stop.”
“Then don’t. Kiss me until you can’t anymore. Kiss me until our lips are chapped and sore. Kiss me until you know without a doubt that it’s right and good and there is love here.”
“And then?”
“And then we’ll figure it out.” I tilt my head up to his. “Kiss me.”
In one swift motion, his arms wrap around my waist and pull me into him as his lips come down on mine. My hands move into his hair, feeding the craving I constantly have since the moment I saw his face again a month ago. His body is warm, his mouth hot. His grip, moving down my body to my ass, is firm and desperate, just like his kiss. I press my hips into his, feeling his desire press against my thighs. When his lips move to my neck, I throw my head back, inviting him to continue.
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