“Girl…if you think that, you’re not with the program.” Tatiana turned and got down a goblet and poured herself a glass of wine. “But don’t worry. It took Emerson forever to get with it.”
“Thad and I had some stuff to resolve. Ten years is a long time to be apart and I didn’t leave under the best of circumstances.”
“Wait, what?”
Emerson turned from the stove and smiled. “It’s a very long story but here’s the short of it…”
She proceeded to tell me about how she’d met and fallen in love with Thad. After what she’d called a very bad decision on her part, she left him when her younger sister, Autumn, had been kidnapped. Emerson had then spent eight years hunting men like the ones who had abused her sister. She finished by telling me about meeting Thad again when the team was tracking a man she was pretending to be involved with.
“… So there you have it. We had a lot to work out.”
“And you were kidnapped?” I asked gently.
“Yeah. Not too long ago. That’s what started this war. A note was left at the hotel threatening Ivy and some of the other women. But you don’t need to be scared,” Emerson rushed out. “The guys are good at what they do.”
“I know.” I nodded.
“You know? That they’re good at their jobs?” Tatiana asked.
“That, too. But I know I don’t need to be scared. Kyle promised to keep me safe and I trust him.”
“You do?” Tatiana whispered then waved her hand in front of her. “I mean, that’s good, you totally should. Kyle’s a great guy. They all are.”
“I know,” I repeated.
Emerson and Tatiana exchanged a funny look, then they both smiled.
“Well, maybe this won’t be as hard as we thought,” Emerson spoke for both of them.
“What won’t be?”
“You and Kyle,” Tatiana explained, and I felt my stomach start to knot. “Oh, shit. You spoke too soon, Emmy.”
“What’s wrong?” Emerson leaned closer.
What was wrong?
I thought they were getting their hopes up way too high.
“I’m totally fucked up,” I whispered.
Tatiana’s eyes narrowed and she leaned closer. “I wouldn’t let Kyle hear you say that,” she warned.
“Why do you think I’m whispering?”
“I said that to Brooks, one time. Or maybe I called myself damaged when he saw all my scars. He flipped his shit on me.”
“I told Thad once I was dirty, from all the things I’ve done. And oh, boy, he was pissed. They don’t like it when their women talk bad about themselves,” Emerson added.
“But that’s the thing. I’m not his woman,” I protested.
Emerson and Tatiana shared another look. Silent communication passed between them and I was jealous. So jealous I wanted to yell at them to stop. I’d never been close enough to anyone to share an entire conversation with a look.
“Are you saying that because you don’t want to be?” Emerson asked softly.
“No! We agreed we wanted to get to know each other, but I can’t give him what he deserves. I know it. I’ll try and try but when he gets sick of me being a freak about everything, he’ll get rid of me and it’s gonna break my heart.”
“Give the guy a little more credit. He’s not an asshole,” Tatiana snapped.
“I don’t think he is. But he is a guy. I’ve spent so many years hiding, I can’t stand when someone touches me. That’s a problem, don’t you think?” Neither of them said anything and both had matching looks of confusion. “Sex,” I whispered.
My cheeks were heating at my admission. I’d gone from not talking about anything personal with anyone to spilling my guts to two women I barely knew. It was embarrassing. It was strange. It was a relief. Like uncorking a bottle that was under so much pressure it was constantly threatening to blow. That’s what I’d felt like every day of my life.
“But I’ve seen Kyle touch you,” Emerson argued.
“Are you a virgin?” Tatiana inquired, wide-eyed.
“No. But it’s been so long, I might as well be,” I sighed.
“Dinner ready?” Declan asked from behind me and I was so startled I nearly fell off the stool.
A strong hand grabbed my bicep to steady me. “Whoa, Anaya. I didn’t mean to scare you.”
I glanced from Emerson to Tatiana then back to Emerson. Her brows were pinched together and she was staring at my arm, where Declan still had a firm grip. I waited for the panic to come. The fear of him holding me to overwhelm me, but it never came.
Then his hand was yanked away and he cleared his throat before he said, “Shit, I’m sorry. I know better, I just didn’t want you to fall.”
My eyes drifted closed as mortification set in. I was a freak and everyone knew it.
“What’s wrong?” Kyle asked.
With my eyes still closed, I shook my head but I couldn’t speak as I tried to process why I hadn’t been scared when Declan grabbed me. It hadn’t been exactly rough, but it wasn’t gentle. Declan was big and strong, he could snap me in half, he could hold me down and trap me. Yet, I wasn’t afraid. I hadn’t even thought twice about him catching me as I teetered.
“I grabbed—”
“Nothing’s wrong,” Tatiana cut Declan off. “Dinner’s ready. Why don’t you go tell the others?”
There was a moment of silence and I opened my eyes but I couldn’t get myself to look at anyone.
“Okay,” Kyle agreed.
“Hey,” Emerson murmured and my attention went to her. “I know you don’t believe this yet, but you will. We…” Emerson used her thumb to motion between her and Tatiana. “Have your back. We’re here for you if you need to talk. I’ll say this one thing then drop it for now. You’re not fucked-up. There’s not a damn thing wrong with you. Declan touched you and you didn’t bat an eye and wouldn’t’ve if he hadn’t made it a big deal.”
“But that’s my fault. I did that. The first time Kyle pushed me against a wall I had a full-blown panic attack. I taught them to behave that way around me.”
“I sense there’s more to that story and we don’t have time to hear it before the guys come back,” Tatiana said. “But have you ever thought that maybe you’ve never found a man you were comfortable enough with to open up to? That maybe all you needed was someone to prove to you they were strong enough to stand by you? That maybe you’re not fucked-up, you’re just smart and protecting your heart? Cut yourself some slack, Anaya.”
No. I’d never given any of those things any consideration. Because I was too busy reminding myself of all the ways I was screwed in the head. I’d made it my life’s mission to convince myself that I was too damaged, therefore not worth the effort.
Who in their right mind would want to stand beside me?
Kyle sauntered back in and his gaze came to mine—strong and sure. There was no hint of revulsion at the latest incident.
“Let’s get you to the table and I’ll bring you a plate.”
I didn’t bother arguing. I knew he wouldn’t let me get my own food. And if I was being honest, it felt damn good having someone take of me for once.
“Would you like an ice pack?” Kyle asked after he settled me into bed.
“No, but thank you. I actually feel a lot better. I’m not sure if it’s because you didn’t allow me off the couch all day or the two glasses of wine.”
And now that I was thinking about it, the alcohol sure had loosened my lips. I wasn’t sure who that woman was at dinner, when I was joking and laughing with Kyle and his teammates, but I’d never met her before. That woman was friendly and outgoing. A far cry from my normal stoic self. And the shit of it was, I really liked her.
I’d enjoyed the comradery, the playful banter, even Declan had joined in and was being funny.
Why had I been so stupid all my life? It was on that thought I blurted out, “I don’t have any friends.”
“What?” Kyle stopped with his knee on the bed and looked up at me.
“Anaya—”
“I’ve never had what you have. Tonight I was so jealous of Emerson and Tatiana. They’re so close they don’t need words to communicate. No words, Kyle. They just looked at each other and knew what the other was thinking. I can’t imagine what it’s like to be that close to someone.”
“Sweetheart,” he said as he settled in next to me, his features soft and gentle. “I think you may’ve missed this, but halfway through dinner the three of you were holding your own. You fell right into those silent conversations.”
“I did?”
Kyle chuckled. “You did. Don’t think we didn’t miss the eye rolls, lip twitches, and brows being raised. You were just as much a part of the snarky sisterhood. Those two women are dying to get their hands on you so they can pull you in. You’re safe with them.”
I was safe.
I hadn’t ever been safe.
“Wanna talk about what happened with Dec?” he asked.
“Nothing happened. He accidentally scared me and I almost fell off the stool. He grabbed my arm to catch me. That was it.”
“Then why was your face red and head bowed when I came into the kitchen?”
“Because he’d snatched his hand away like it was on fire.”
“Anaya, sweetheart, he knows better than to touch you. He felt like shit for not thinking.”
“But that’s the thing, I didn’t care he grabbed me. I wasn’t even thinking about it. Not until he yanked his hand away.”
“No shit?” He sounded shocked and he should’ve been.
God knows I was.
“When you came in, I was embarrassed. I knew why he’d reacted that way, but I was too busy trying to process why I wasn’t freaking out to tell him I was okay.”
“He’d like to hear that. He thought he hurt you.”
“God no,” I sighed. “I’m trying, Kyle. I know it’s a lot to ask, but please be patient with me.”
There, I’d said it. I took a huge chance and I’d asked for what I needed. But as the silence stretched between us, nerves set in.
“I’m waiting for you to look at me,” he said, and when I did, I was so taken aback I had to swallow the lump in my throat. “I’m gonna say this once more. We got nothing but time, and you take as much of it as you need. All I ask is for you to trust me. Straight up, sweetheart, you know I want to explore a relationship with you. There’s no denying I’m attracted to you both physically and emotionally. Just trust me to take us where we need to go. And, Anaya, you never need to ask me to be patient. But you need to be patient with yourself.”
“Will you kiss me?”
Yeah, I really liked this new woman who had the courage to ask for what she needed. And now that I’d tried her on for size, I found that not only did she fit, but it was tailored. Like a second skin that settled over the old and wrapped around my soul.
Kyle’s gaze heated, and I liked that a whole lot, too. I liked that he didn’t hide his emotions from me. I liked that he was honest and said what was on his mind, but I also liked the way he looked at me when he thought I was being brave. I liked it so much I vowed to do it more.
His lips pressed against mine and I really wished my ribs would hurry up and heal. I knew Kyle was holding back, not wanting to hurt me. And I was totally looking forward to him letting go.
Chapter 22
I was lying in bed staring up at a dark ceiling, not wanting to move and wake a still-sleeping Anaya. And just like every morning, in an effort to calm my morning hard-on, I woke before her and willed my dick to cooperate. Sometimes it worked. Sometimes it didn’t. And it seemed this was one of those mornings it wasn’t.
It had been a little over a week since the night Anaya had asked me to be patient with her. A week of watching her open up to Emerson, Tatiana, and the guys. Seven days of watching her flourish. It was fucking beautiful to see.
There was this whole other side of her that she’d kept buried so deep that she looked stunned every time it came out. The woman was hilarious, her one-liners and witty comebacks when the guys were teasing her were priceless.
Emerson and Tatiana had done exactly what I’d said they’d do and had firmly pulled Anaya into the sisterhood. Those three were thick as thieves. And the silent conversations that Anaya had mentioned she’d been jealous of rivaled the nonverbal communication the team and I shared while on a mission. They could have an entire discussion with facial expressions.
She and Dec had had words about what had happened in the kitchen. They’d gone out back and were out there for hours talking. I didn’t ask what the conversation entailed, but after that night a bond had been forged and for the first time, I’d witnessed Declan relaxed. Or as much as a man who carried the burdens he did, could be.
“Morning,” Anaya mumbled.
Her breath fanned over my bare chest. She nuzzled in closer and kissed my pec before her hand started to glide up and down my stomach. This was one of the reasons I struggled to will away my erection. Every morning she did the same thing and every morning I tried to brace against the onslaught and failed. Her hands felt so fucking good on my skin there was no hope of hiding my reaction to her.
But she was getting bold in her exploration. At first her touch was timid and slow. Shy in her investigation of my chest and stomach. Now, it was firm and demanding.
“Mornin’,” I returned, and placed my hand over hers as she traced the waistband of my shorts.
That was something new. The last two mornings, she’d made her way lower.
“Stop doing that,” she whispered.
“Doin’ what?”
“Stopping me when I want to touch you.”
Oh, hell no. She could touch all she wanted above the belt, so to speak. My good intentions were being tested with every kiss, every slow glide of her hand, every sound she made when my lips were on her. My need for this woman was unreal. Nothing like it. I wanted to lay her out and taste and touch every part of her. I wanted to fuck her, make love to her, and everything in between. But part of me loved the torture of anticipation.
“You can touch all you want,” I told her and moved her hand higher into safer territory.
“Not where I really want to.”
I realized my error too late. I should’ve kept my hand over hers. But I hadn’t and she moved too quickly.
“Anaya,” I groaned as her hand moved over my hard-on. Thankfully, it was over my shorts, but damn, the friction felt good. “We should get out of bed,” I suggested.
The sooner the better, actually. I needed to get her up and going so I could take a nice cold shower. Though the icy water never worked and the last five mornings I’d had to jerk off alone in the shower to finally get my dick under control.
“No, we shouldn’t. Not yet.” Her sultry voice filled my ears at the same time her hand continued to move over the nylon of my shorts and my rigid cock. There was nothing I could do but stay frozen and fight the urge to roll her on her back and take us where she was itching to go.
“Anaya—”
“I’m ready, Kyle.”
Every muscle in my body seized at her declaration.
“I don’t want to hurt you. You have a few more weeks until your ribs are healed.”
“They’re fine and you know it. It’s been days since they’ve hurt. I’m a hundred percent.”
“No, you’re—”
“Kyle,” she whined in frustration. “I’m ready. I’ve been tryin’ to tell you but all you do is kiss me and roll out of bed. I don’t know how to do this and obviously I’m not good at it because you’re not picking up on my hints. I want you. I’m ready.”
“
Babe, if you were any better, I wouldn’t make it to the shower before I had to jerk off. As it stands, I barely make it there now.”
“You jerk off in the shower?” she whispered. “Why?”
“Why?” I grunted as she tightened her hold on my cock. “Shit, Anaya. Slow down,” I begged.
“Why would you do that?”
“For starters I wake up with you pressed against me every morning. Then you wake up and start touching me, which means as you move, your tits rub against my side. My cock feels like it’s going to explode. I want nothing more than to roll you over and bury myself inside you.” I felt her stiffen next to me and continued. “I warned you, I cannot control my body’s reaction to you. You turn me on and there’s no stopping that. But I can control my actions, which means I get out of bed and take care of it myself.”
“But what if I wanted you to roll me over?”
“You’re killing me, Anaya,” I groaned.
“You’ve been very selfish, Kyle.” I would’ve laughed at her playful tone and reprimand her if her hand wasn’t steady stroking my dick.
“Anaya—”
“I. Am. Ready. Stop babying me.”
That did it. I could not hold back anymore. I brushed her hand off my cock, rolled up to my elbow and looked down at her. The smile she wore hit me in two places at once—my chest swelled and my cock throbbed. So damn beautiful. So damn sweet.
“You think you’re ready for this?”
“Yes,” she whispered.
“Ready for me?”
“Yes.”
“I’m not talking about me taking you, Anaya. I’m talking about us. You ready for this? A hundred percent. Because if you’re not, we’ll wait. Because once this happens, you’re mine, sweetheart. Mine. And I won’t let you go.”
“I thought I was already yours.”
I felt that, too, straight to my heart. A feeling I never knew existed. Something so deep I took a moment to memorize it, to allow it to wash over me and absorb into my skin.
“We go down this path, it changes everything, Anaya.”
“Okay.”
“No, I see you’re not understanding. We do this, I get all of you. Every piece of you, not just your body, your trust, but everything you’ve been holding back.”
Kyle Page 17