Dear Martin

by Nic Stone

  Me: Yeah, no worries about that. Somebody did it for you.

  SJ: Shut up! Someone punched him for real?

  Me: Ruined his pointed hood.

  SJ: (Laughs so hard I think she’s going to choke.)

  Me: So…how was your night?

  SJ: Uneventful. I spent most of it thinking about you.

  Me: …

  SJ: I mean…um. Sorry, that came out wrong.

  Me: …

  SJ: Jus, are you still there? God, I’m such an idiot…

  Me: (Clears throat.) I’m here.

  SJ: Whew. Okay, good.

  Me and SJ: (Awkward pause.)

  Me: So, um…how was it supposed to come out?

  SJ: Well…I just meant because of the costumes? Like I saw the pictures, and was wondering how things were going at the party.

  Me: Ah.

  SJ: You don’t believe me, do you?

  Me: Why wouldn’t I? (Even though in my head I was like, “Hell nah, I don’t believe you, girl.”)

  SJ: (Laughs.) I certainly wouldn’t believe me.

  Me: …

  SJ: I have to say, I’m enjoying this rendering-Justyce-McAllister-speechless thing. Maybe I should say this kind of stuff more often.

  Me: Shut up.

  SJ: (Laughs some more.) So how are you, anyway?

  Me: What do you mean?

  SJ: I’m sure the whole party thing was awkward, no?

  Me: That’s one way to put it, I guess.

  [No clue why, but I tell SJ every detail about the party.]

  SJ: Wow. So they threatened you with a gun to get you to go?

  Me: Yep.

  SJ: That’s pretty intense, Jus.

  Me: Tell me about it. Craziest part is I still feel weird about leaving.

  SJ: You do? Why?

  Me: Well, either way it went, I was sayin somethin’, you know? Staying woulda been a statement of solidarity with these guys I grew up with—and who look like me. Leaving was a different statement, and the fact that I chose to do it with a white guy who was dressed as a Klansman…well…

  SJ: Hmm. I see what you mean.

  Me: Yeah. These were the dudes who used to call me White Boy because while they were shooting dice for pennies at recess, I was reading a book. I know there’s no excuse for the idea that we’re all the same “kind,” as that cop Castillo put it, but the moment I saw that gun sticking out of dude’s waistband, I felt this flare of pain around my wrists. I had this thought—be forewarned, it’s an ugly one: it’s assholes like Trey and his boys that have cops thinking all black dudes are up to no good.

  SJ: I’m so sorry, Jus.

  Me: Don’t apologize, S. It’s not your fault. It never made sense to me why tryna DO something with myself made me some kind of race-traitor to these guys, but some of the stuff Trey said tonight really got to me.

  SJ: Really?

  Me: Yeah. He said me and Manny were chillin’ with Jared and them because we “need the white man for the ride to the top.” And while I could debate that till I’m blue in the face, didn’t we prove it by leaving with Jared and them?

  SJ: I guess that’s one way to look at it.

  Me: What if Trey is right? What if, no matter what I do, the only thing white people will ever see me as is a nig—an “n-word”?

  (So glad I caught myself, Martin.)

  Me (cont.): Yeah, Jared’s always talking about how “equal” things are, but that doesn’t mean he sees me as one.

  SJ: (Silence.)

  Me: It’s a conundrum: white people hold most positions of authority in this country. How do I deal with the fact that I DO need them to get ahead without feeling like I’m turning my back on my own people?

  SJ: Sure hope that’s rhetorical, Jus. I certainly can’t give you an answer.

  Me: (Laughs.)

  We shifted gears a little bit after that, and when I checked the clock, it’d been three hours. When we landed on the topic of Jewish involvement in the civil rights movement, I wound up telling her about this Be Like Martin experiment. She said she was “both impressed and intrigued.”

  That’s when it hit me who I was talkin’ to and I said I needed to go to bed.

  Before we hung up, though? She said something I don’t think I’ll ever forget:

  SJ: Hey, Jus?

  Me: Yeah?

  SJ: I want to apologize.

  Me: For what?

  SJ: For stepping out of line in class a while back.

  Me: …

  SJ: I know it’s been over a month, but after talking to you tonight…Well, it wasn’t my place to speak for you. I’m really, really sorry.

  Hearing her apologize after Blake didn’t? It got me, Martin. Now I can’t get her out of my head.

  Which really isn’t good.

  Don’t get me wrong: SJ’s great. We’ve been debate partners since I joined the team two years ago. Only person at that school who knows more about me than she does is Manny.

  Yes, she’s gorgeous for a white girl—she’s tall with long brown hair, and while not a big-booty Betty, the lacrosse body is tight.

  Yes, she’s smart and funny and easy to talk to and kinda feisty—which now that I’m seeing her in this new light is kind of a turn-on…

  But, Martin, I can’t fall for SJ! My whole life, Mama’s told me, “Don’t you bring home a white girl.” We’re talking about a woman who low-key disses Melo for looking white. Can you imagine what kind of reaction I’d get if it were SJ? (Melo and I broke up again, by the way.)

  Right now, I feel guilty for even talking to SJ. Especially about race stuff! What does it say about me that I willingly left a party with a bunch of idiots, but the white person who does treat me as an equal is the one I most wanna run away from right now? I can’t believe I told SJ all that stuff! I mean, she’s cool and everything but…I’m shaking my head right now.

  You were the man, Martin. THE man. And I wanna be like you. “Intergroup and interpersonal living”? I really do want that…

  I’m just not so sure I can pull it off anymore.

  I’m going to bed.

  —JM

  Justyce can’t believe it.

  CONGRATULATIONS! is all big and bright right there in front of him, but he still can’t believe it.

  When he sat down at his laptop, he expected to have to click a bunch of different links to get to his admissions decision, but the second he logged in to the website, a giant bulldog filled the screen as the Yale fight song played all loud and bold and beautiful.

  His phone is in his hand now, and he’s tapping.

  She picks up on the first ring:

  “Hello?”

  “S?”

  “Jus? Is everything okay?”

  “S, I got in.”

  “What?”

  “I got in, SJ!”

  “What are you talki— Wait…you got IN?”

  “YES!”

  “Like, GOT IN, got in? Like you’re IN?”

  “YES!”

  “OHMYGOD, OHMYGOD, OHMYGOD!”

  Justyce reads the computer screen again, and it really hits him.

  “S, YA BOY IS A YALIE!”

  “HOLY SHIT, JUS. HOLY SHIT!”

  “I can’t even believe it.” Jus drops his head back and closes his eyes. All the bad stuff that’s happened in the past few months falls away.

  After a pause, he hears, “Mom, Dad, Jus is going to Yale!” and then: “Wow! Congratulations, Justyce!” (from SJ’s mom) and “Attaboy, Jusmeister!” (from SJ’s dad—who’s been calling him that since the first time he showed up at SJ’s house to work on debate stuff).

  “AAAAACK! JUS! This is the best Hanukkah present ever! You realize this means we’ll only be an hour and a half away from each other, right?”

  That’s when it smacks him again.

  The feeling.

  The one that makes his heart beat faster and his head go fuzzy when he’s talking to her sometimes. It’s different from how he felt about Melo…and that’s what scares Jus
. It occurs to him that he dialed SJ before he called his mama. Which says way more than he wants to hear right now.

  “S, I gotta go,” he says.

  “Okay! I’ll see you tomorrow. I’m so EXCITED!”

  Justyce smiles, very much in spite of himself. “Me too.”

  Yeah, this has to stop.

  “Thanks for calling to share the news,” she says. “Means a lot to me that you did.”

  “Means a lot to me that you’re so amped.”

  (Damn, prolly shouldn’t have said that.)

  “Are you kidding? How could I not be?”

  Justyce clears his throat. “I hope you have a nice night, SJ.”

  “You too, Jus. Sweet dreams.”

  —

  But Justyce doesn’t dream at all. He can’t sleep. Too much on his mind.

  Yale, for one. (Hello, dream come true!)

  And then SJ. How could I not be? she said.

  What is he supposed to do with that?

  He called Mama as soon as he and SJ hung up, but it went to voice mail. And since he couldn’t bring himself to leave such big news in a message, he went to bed with the weight of SJ knowing before Mama on his chest.

  The next morning, he’s standing near the omelet station in the dining hall when he hears his name shouted from across the room.

  It’s her. And she’s bounding in his direction.

  “S!” Justyce shouts, throwing his arms wide without thinking. She leaps into them and wraps her legs around his waist. It’s…a lot.

  She’s also in uniform, which means…“S, you know you’re in a skirt, right?”

  “Crap!” She scrambles down. “Oh my god, I’m so embarrassed.” Her face is all red, so she covers it with her hands.

  It might be the cutest thing Jus has ever seen.

  He pulls her hands down. Smiles. “That was prolly the best hug I’ve ever gotten in my life.”

  She shakes her head. “I can’t believe I attacked you. I just got so excited.”

  Jus laughs. “Me too, S. Hope you’ll come see ya boy every now and then. I’ll definitely come see you.”

  You would think Jus had just proposed, the way SJ’s face lights up. He should not be saying this kinda stuff…And he definitely shouldn’t be meaning it.

  She smiles.

  He smiles back.

  She stares.

  He stares back.

  He realizes he’s still holding her hands and looks at her lips—

  “Umm…Hey, Jus.”

  Jus’s head snaps to the right.

  Melo.

  He snatches his hands away from SJ’s. “Uhh…”

  When he turns back to SJ, her smile is melting off her face.

  He watches Melo’s green eyes shift back and forth between him and SJ. SJ’s smile has melted so thoroughly, it’s officially a scowl.

  Melo clears her throat.

  “Oh, uhh…’Sup, Melo?” Jus says.

  “I was hoping you could tell me, Justyce.” Except her eyes are on SJ.

  No one speaks.

  Then: “Okay! Umm…Guess I’ll see you in class?” SJ says. Tongue-tied, Justyce watches her pivot and walk away without looking back.

  When he faces Melo again, she’s smirking in SJ’s direction. Justyce coughs to get Melo’s attention.

  She turns to him and crosses her arms. “So I hear you got into Yale,” she says.

  “Yeah, I did.”

  “That what SJ was so excited about?”

  “Yeah.” Justyce gulps. “She’s going to Columbia. It’s pretty close by.”

  Melo shifts her focus to the doorway SJ disappeared through. “So you two are a thing now?”

  “What? No!”

  “I saw her jump on you, Justyce.”

  “It’s not like that, Mel.”

  Except it is, obviously.

  “We’re just good friends,” he says to the air. “Debate partners. You know what I mean.”

  “Good.” She takes a step closer. He can tell she’s not convinced, but that’s the thing about Melo: if she wants something, she’ll do whatever it takes to get it. “I was hoping we could hang out soon.” She runs a finger down the center of Justyce’s chest and hooks it into the waistband of his pants.

  “Uhh, yeah.” His voice cracks and everything. “That’d, uhh…That’d be cool.”

  “Awesome. I’m actually pretty sad you’re gonna be leaving me. You sure you wanna go so far away?”

  Jus shifts his attention over her shoulder and scratches his head.

  “I’ll call you later, okay?”

  “Aiight,” Jus says.

  She squeezes his biceps and kisses him in the little nook where his jawbone meets his neck. “Bye, Jus.”

  Jus doesn’t say a word. Just stares at Melo’s butt as she saunters off.

  Justyce is still in a daze when he gets to Societal Evolution two periods later. He knows he messed up—just can’t figure out exactly what went wrong with which girl.

  When he steps into the classroom, Manny comes forward and drapes an arm around his shoulders. “Dr. Dray, allow me to introduce you to Justyce McAllister, soon-to-be Yale undergrad and my very best friend.”

  “My man!” Doc says, lifting his hand for a high five. “That’s what I’m talkin’ about!”

  It makes Justyce smile.

  Unfortunately, the minute he takes his seat, SJ comes in and won’t even look at him. And hot on her heels is Jared Christensen, who glares so intensely, it’s a wonder Jus’s head doesn’t burst into flames.

  The bell rings, and Doc closes the door and turns around to face the class, but before he can say “Good morning,” Jared’s hand is in the air.

  Doc: Yes, Mr. Christensen?

  Jared: I have something I’d like to discuss today, sir.

  Doc: Okay…Let’s hear it.

  Jared: I’d like to discuss how affirmative action discriminates against members of the majority.

  Justyce: [Eyebrows rise.]

  SJ: You’re not even serious.

  Jared: Oh, I certainly am. Let’s observe, shall we? I’m ranked number two in our class, I’m captain of the baseball team, I do community service on weekends, and I got higher test scores than Justyce…yet he got into Yale early action, and I didn’t. I know for a fact it’s because I’m white and he’s black.

  Doc: That’s quite an assumption, Mr. Christensen—

  Justyce: Hold up…what makes you so sure you got higher scores than me?

  Jared: Dude, I got a fifteen-eighty on the SAT.

  Manny: What’d you get, Jus?

  Justyce: Fifteen-sixty.

  Jared: See?

  SJ: What about the ACT?

  Jared: Thirty-three.

  SJ: Jus?

  Justyce: Thirty-four.

  Jared: Bullshit!

  Doc: Watch it, Jared.

  Jared: Dude, there’s no way he got a thirty-four.

  Justyce: What reason do I have to lie, man?

  Jared: It just doesn’t make sense—

  Justyce: Why doesn’t it?

  SJ: Because it negates his assumption that because he’s white and you’re black, he’s more intelligent than you are.

  Jared: Why don’t you stay out of it, SJ?

  Jus: Hold up, man—

  Doc: This is an open forum, Mr. Christensen. Anyone in this room can contribute to the discussion.

  Jared: Whatever.

  Manny: So let me get this straight, J: It bugs you that Justyce is just as smart as you?

  Jared: That’s not my point.

  SJ: You said affirmative action “discriminates against members of the majority,” and you cited Jus’s acceptance to Yale and your lack thereof as supporting evidence for that assertion. Ignoring how effing racist it is to assume your test scores would be higher than Justyce’s, the counterevidence—namely that you and Justyce are more or less equally qualified—has nullified your assertion.

  Jared: It doesn’t nullify anything.

  Justyce: [
Shakes his head.]

  Jared: If we’re equals, we both should’ve gotten in.

  Manny: You got rejected?

  Jared: …Deferred.

  SJ: So you’ll probably still get in—

  Jared: That’s not the point!

  Doc: Let’s keep it professional, Mr. Christensen.

  Manny: For real, J. Chill.

  Jared: No, dude. I’m not going to “chill.” You of all people should know what kinda shit I caught from my dad for getting deferred.

  Manny: That doesn’t have anything to do with Jus, though, man.

  Jared: Yeah it does. He took a spot I didn’t get because Yale has to fill a quota—

  Justyce: Excuse me?

  Jared: Just stating the facts, man.

  SJ: Those aren’t facts, dipshit.

  Doc: Sarah-Jane…

  SJ: Justyce got in because he deserved to.

  Justyce: Thank you.

  Jared: I deserved to get in too! Affirmative action is bullshit.

  Doc: If y’all can’t reel this in, I’m shutting it down. Final warning.

  Jared: Point is, it gives an unfair advantage to minorities. So, okay, Justyce and I might be “equals” or whatever. But there are other minorities without the qualifications I have who will get in before I do. That’s just not fair.

  SJ: Jared, let me ask you something.

  Jared: Like I have another option.

  SJ: So as a nonboarder, your tuition here is the same as mine…we’ll make it a nice round number and say thirty-six thousand dollars per year. Our parents pay on a semester basis, which means that in seven semesters, yours have invested…Who has a calculator?

  Justyce: A hundred and twenty-six thousand dollars.

  Manny: Damn!

  Doc: [Cuts Manny a warning look.]

  Manny: My bad, Doc.

  SJ: For that insane sum of money, we’re getting the best of the best of the best. Tuition includes laptops, tablets, and access to more scholarly databases than most colleges have; we’ve got the most current editions of all college-level textbooks; our library is like…I can’t even tell you; we have test prep courses built into our curriculum from the moment we start ninth grade; and I’m pretty sure something like ninety-seven percent of the teachers at this school are PhDs, right, Doc?

  Doc: Something like that.

  SJ: You wouldn’t expect anything less based on the amount of money you’re paying, right?

  Jared: Do you have a point here?