by Michael Cart
So disgusted, looking at me as if she shouldn’t have been scared of me. Respectful of me.
For I had Mr. Lesinger’s gun, which I had to hold in both hands because it was heavy. And I was pretending that it was loaded.
I was pretending that it would really shoot if I pulled the trigger. “Get down! Get down on the ground, you are arrested!” I was mimicking cops on TV programs, like Cops, that’s what the cops always shout at the pathetic whiskery drunk men they’re trying to arrest. Get down! Get down on the ground! The men are slow to obey sometimes out of defiance but sometimes because they are dazed and drunk and disbelieving. Sometimes they are even half-naked—bare-chested, and barefoot. Ridges of fat at their waists spilling over their belts. You see them on TV and feel revulsion for them, which is a disgusted kind of pity. What do his children think! Does he have a daughter? How can she show her face at school? She is more shameful than I would ever be.
Caitlin was saying mean, sharp things to me. Caitlin was threatening me she’d tell Mom and Mr. Lesinger about me. Caitlin was sneering like she didn’t even know me, I was so far beneath her. Caitlin came forward to slap at me, or to take the gun from me—that is what I remember.
And the gun going off—that is what I remember.
How I was ducking away in the marshy grass, and the mud was sucking at my feet. And the gun must have shifted in my hand. The direction of the barrel shifted. In that moment I seemed to have no control over it, the gun was too heavy, it is not like the idea of a gun that is exciting but the actual weight and feel of a gun, that is something different. For maybe Caitlin did not rush at me and try to slap me, but I would remember the look of disgust in her face. And Hunt looking kind of surprised and scared and he’s saying, Stephanie, hey—don’t aim that at us.
Hunt was reaching toward me, and Hunt had pushed Caitlin back, behind him. As if to shield her. Shield her from what! I was furious seeing this, because there seemed to be a misunderstanding. And it seemed that I would be blamed. I shut my eyes. I did not pull the trigger but—the gun went off.
There was a loud crack! Mr. Lesinger’s gun went off by itself and jerked from my hands and fell into the mud.
I knew then, something terrible had happened. It wasn’t my fault, it wasn’t Hunt’s fault. If there was any fault it was Caitlin’s, but Caitlin would not be the one who was punished.
Saw Hunt on his knees in the marsh grass, and that look of shock and hurt and fear in his face. And blood like a burst dark flower on his T-shirt, high on his chest. And Caitlin screaming. And my screaming, too—I think it was me screaming.
4.
“Stephanie?” The voice is firm but kindly.
In this place there is an air of acceptance, unsurprise.
There is not what you’d call trust, exactly. I see in their faces, in their eyes, that they are not comfortable with me, or with other court-mandated juveniles who are like me, though they may feel kindly toward us, and they are accepting of us as outpatients receiving court-mandated therapy. We are work to them, and they are working to make us well.
I have not told any of the staff at the clinic that I am sick with heartbreak. I have told them that I am very sorry for what I did, though with a part of my mind (it is possible that the more experienced among the staff can “read” this part of my mind, but I pretend that I don’t know this) I don’t truly think that what happened was my fault, or my fault entirely. My sister! My sister is to blame.
Hunt did not die. But Hunt took a long time to recover, after emergency cardiovascular surgery to save his life.
Hunt would not be enlisting in the New York State National Guard, or in any of the armed services. Hunt would probably not be strong enough to hike, hunt, camp in the mountains as he’d loved to do.
I would not ever see Hunt again. I knew this.
Soon after the “gun accident” (as it was called), I was sent away to live with my father and his new wife in Jamestown, Pennsylvania.
Partly this was because Mr. Lesinger did not want me in his house any longer, ever again. But also, Caitlin had come to truly hate me. (She had not hated me before, I realize now.) And Mom seemed fearful of me though she insisted that she was not and that she loved me just as much as ever.
It was thought best that I go away to live somewhere else where (mostly) no one knew me. A new home, a new school district. In the Morgantown family court it was decided that as a first-time juvenile offender I would receive psychotherapy and counseling as an outpatient. I would not be incarcerated in any facility.
Dad has full-time custody of me now though I think he is not so happy with this arrangement, and I know that his wife is not at all happy. And even Kyle is fearful of me, at times.
For I have become one of those persons of whom others will say—There is something not right about her. Be careful of her.
Even if they don’t know who I am, and what I did, or caused to happen, in a “gun accident” when I was thirteen years old. Even if they don’t know that I am sick with heartbreak they will say of me—That one, Stephanie. Just be careful around her.
It is really true, something is wrong with my heart. I can’t breathe deeply the way I once did, my chest hurts. I can’t sleep more than an hour or so at a time—something just wakes me up, like a slap. I hear a girl’s sharp, scolding voice—I hear a girl screaming. And I sit up in bed, gasping for breath. In the dark I am anxious of what the day will bring. Sometimes I see a dark ravine with something glittering deep inside it. There is a lake, and there is no opposite shore that I can see, but it is known to me that if I can swim to that shore, I will be all right again and my cousin Hunt will love me again.
In this place, I am so lonely. But I am lonely in all places for I carry my loneliness around with me like a heavy backpack.
No one calls me Steff, Steffi any longer.
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ABOUT THE AUTHORS
MICHAEL CART is a writer, a lecturer, a consultant, and a nationally recognized expert in YA literature. He is the former director of the Beverly Hills (California) Public Library and a past president of the Young Adult Library Services Association, and his column “Carte Blanche” appears monthly in Booklist magazine.
He is the author or editor of twenty books, including the gay coming-of-age novel My Father’s Scar, an ALA Best Book for Young Adults; From Romance to Realism: 50 Years of Growth and Change in Young Adult Literature; and—with Christine A. Jenkins—The Heart Has Its Reasons, a critical history of young adult literature with gay/lesbian/queer content. His many anthologies include Love and Sex: Ten Stories of Truth, Necessary Noise: Stories About Our Families as They Really Are, and How Beautiful the Ordinary: Twelve Stories of Identity.
In 2008, he became the first recipient of the YALSA/Greenwood Publishing Group Service to Young Adults Achievement Award, and in 2000, he received the Grolier Foundation Award for his contribution to the stimulation and guidance of reading by young people. Mr. Cart lives in Columbus, Indiana.
MARC ARONSON: Marc is a passionate lover of nonfiction, a devotion he expressed as an editor (of the tenth Robert F. Sibert Medal winner and YALSA Nonfiction finalist), author (first Sibert Medal winner and YALSA Nonfiction finalist), and professor at the library school of Rutgers University. He enjoys working with other authors and has now collaborated on seven books. Marc frequently speaks to professionals and students throughout the country. See www.marcaronson.com for more information.
EDWARD AVERETT: Edward is the author of The Rhyming Season and Cameron and the Girls (Clarion Books). His short stories have appeared in the collections Rush Hour: Bad Boys and Every Man for Himse
lf. Mr. Averett hides away in North Idaho and Ecuador with his wife, Mary. Visit him at his website www.edwardaverett.com.
FRANCESCA LIA BLOCK: Francesca is the author of more than twenty-five books of fiction, nonfiction, short stories, and poetry. She has received the Spectrum Award, the Phoenix Award, the ALA Rainbow Award, and the 2005 Margaret A. Edwards Lifetime Achievement Award as well as other citations from the American Library Association and from The New York Times Book Review, School Library Journal, and Publishers Weekly. Her work has been translated into Italian, French, German, Japanese, Danish, Norwegian, Swedish, Finnish, and Portuguese. Francesca has also published stories, poems, essays, and interviews in the Los Angeles Times, the Los Angeles Review of Books, Spin, Nylon, Black Clock, and Rattle, among others. In addition to writing, she teaches fiction workshops at UCLA Extension, Antioch University, and privately in Los Angeles, where she was born and currently lives. Visit her online at www.francescaliablock.com.
CHRIS CRUTCHER: Chris is the author of ten critically acclaimed novels, an autobiography, and two collections of short stories. Drawing on his experience as a family therapist and child protection specialist, Chris writes honestly about real issues facing real teenagers today. He has won three lifetime achievement awards: the Margaret A. Edwards Award, the ALAN Award, and the NCTE National Intellectual Freedom Award. Chris lives in Spokane, Washington. Visit him online at www.chriscrutcher.com.
ALEX FLINN: Alex registered as a Democrat because her high school government teacher told the class it was a waste to register as an Independent. She never looked back. She is the wife of a shooter, and the author of eleven novels, including Breathing Underwater, and the number-one New York Times bestseller Beastly. Her newest book, Mirrored, is a retelling of the Snow White story. She lives in Miami. Visit her online at www.alexflinn.com.
GREGORY GALLOWAY: Gregory is the author of The 39 Deaths of Adam Strand and the Alex Award–winning As Simple as Snow. He earned his MFA at the Iowa Writers’ Workshop, and his work has appeared in The Iowa Review, Rush Hour: Reckless, and McSweeney’s Internet Tendency. He was taught to shoot as a boy by his uncle, Dr. R. K. Willms, who took him deer hunting for the first time. At the time of this publication, he has never shot a deer or any of his friends.
JENNY HUBBARD: Jenny, who was a high school English teacher for seventeen years, now spends her days writing in her hometown of Salisbury, North Carolina, where she lives with her math teacher–husband and their rescue schnoodle. Her first novel, Paper Covers Rock, was a finalist for the prestigious William C. Morris YA Debut Award, and her second novel, And We Stay, earned starred reviews from Kirkus Reviews, ALA Booklist, and School Library Journal. For more tidbits on Jenny visit www.jennyhubbard.com.
PETER JOHNSON: Peter’s fiction and poetry have received creative writing fellowships from the National Endowment for the Arts and the Rhode Island Council on the Arts, along with the Paterson Prize, and a “Best Children’s Book” citation from Kirkus Reviews. His most recent novels are a YA thriller, Out of Eden, and a middle grade novel, The Life and Times of Benny Alvarez. He can be found at www.peterjohnsonya.com.
RON KOERTGE: Ron writes fiction for young adults and poetry for everybody. His latest novel-in-verse is the very well-reviewed Coaltown Jesus. His latest book of poems is The Ogre’s Wife. A devoted handicapper, he can often be found around the paddock at Santa Anita racetrack. He lives in South Pasadena, California, with his wife, Bianca Richards. Visit him online at www.ronkoertge.com.
CHRIS LYNCH: Chris has been publishing YA and middle grade books for over twenty years. Titles include Printz Honor–winning Freewill, National Book Award finalist Inexcusable, and a five-volume series on young men in the Vietnam War. He will have three books coming out in 2015: Killing Time in Crystal City; Hit Count; and the sequel to Inexcusable, which is titled Irreversible. He teaches in the low-residency creative writing program at Lesley University and divides his time between the east coast of Massachusetts and the west coast of Scotland.
WALTER DEAN MYERS: Walter, who passed away in 2014, was the New York Times bestselling author of more than a hundred books for readers of all ages. Much honored, Walter’s novel Monster was the recipient of the first Michael L. Printz Award. He was also a recipient of the Margaret A. Edwards Award for Lifetime Achievement and was the first recipient of the prestigious Coretta Scott King–Virginia Hamilton Award for Lifetime Achievement. He also authored two Newbery Honor Books and six Coretta Scott King Award–winning titles, and was a three-time National Book Award finalist. From 2012 to 2013 he served as America’s National Ambassador for Young People’s Literature. Learn more online at www.walterdeanmyers.net.
JOYCE CAROL OATES: Joyce is a recipient of the National Medal of Humanities, the National Book Critics Circle Ivan Sandrof Lifetime Achievement Award, the National Book Award, and the PEN/Malamud Award for Excellence in Short Fiction, and has been nominated for the Pulitzer Prize. She has written some of the most enduring fiction of our time, including the national bestsellers We Were the Mulvaneys; Blonde, which was nominated for the National Book Award and the Pulitzer Prize; and the New York Times bestseller The Falls, which won the Prix Femina Étranger 2005. She is the Roger S. Berlind Distinguished Professor of the Humanities at Princeton University and has been a member of the American Academy of Arts and Letters since 1978. In 2003, she received the Common Wealth Award for Distinguished Service in Literature, and in 2006, she received the Chicago Tribune Literary Prize for lifetime achievement. Visit her on Twitter @JoyceCarolOates.
ERIC SHANOWER: Eric is the award-winning cartoonist of the graphic novel series Age of Bronze, retelling the story of the Trojan War. He is the writer of the comic book series Little Nemo: Return to Slumberland with art by Gabriel Rodriguez, based on the classic comic strip Little Nemo in Slumberland by Winsor McCay. With cartoonist Skottie Young, he adapted six of L. Frank Baum’s Oz books to a series of New York Times bestselling graphic novels. Eric’s past comic work includes his own Oz graphic novel series available as Little Adventures in Oz and art for An Accidental Death by Ed Brubaker, The Elsewhere Prince by Moebius and R. J. M. Lofficier, and Harlan Ellison’s Dream Corridor. He has illustrated for television, magazines, and children’s books, two of which he wrote himself. He lives in San Diego, California. Visit him online at www.ericshanower.com.
WILL WEAVER: Will grew up in northern Minnesota. An outdoorsman and “thoughtful hunter,” he is the author of many novels for young adults, including Memory Boy and Saturday Night Dirt. One of his short stories was adapted into the feature film Sweet Land. Visit him online at www.willweaverbooks.com.
ELIZABETH WEIN: Elizabeth writes fiction for young adults. She is the author of Code Name Verity and Rose under Fire, as well as the Lion Hunters cycle set in Arthurian Britain and sixth-century Ethiopia. Her newest novel, Black Dove, White Raven, combines her love of flying with her fascination for Ethiopia. Elizabeth was born in New York and grew up in England, Jamaica, and Pennsylvania, and now resides in Scotland, where she has lived for over fifteen years. She is married and has two teenage children. Visit her online at www.elizabethwein.com.
TIM WYNNE-JONES: Tim has written thirty-three books for people of all ages and sizes. He has won Canada’s Governor General’s Award twice and been nominated five times. He has also won the Boston Globe–Horn Book Award twice, most recently for his YA thriller Blink & Caution. He has twice won the Arthur Ellis Award of the Crime Writers of Canada and once won the Edgar Award presented by the Mystery Writers of America. His books have been translated into a dozen languages. He was nominated for the Hans Christian Andersen Award in 2012. That same year, Tim was made an Officer of the Order of Canada. Visit him online at www.timwynne-jones.com.
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BOOKS BY MICHAEL CART
How Beautiful the Ordinary
Taking Aim
CREDITS
Cover art based on vector illustrations by blackred/iStockphoto
COPYRIGHT
HarperTeen is an imprint of HarperCollins Publishers.
Taking Aim: Power and Pain, Teens and Guns
Compilation copyright © 2015 by Michael Cart
Introduction copyright © 2015 by Michael Cart
“A Culture of Guns . . . with Comments from Sons” © 2015 by Marc Aronson, Will Weaver, and Chris Crutcher
“Roach” © 2015 by the Estate of Walter M. Myers
“Embraced by Raven Arms” © 2015 by Tim Wynne-Jones
“Shoot” © 2015 by Gregory Galloway
“The Bodyguard: A Fable” © 2015 by Ron Koertge
“Fight or Flight” © 2015 by Alex Flinn
“Certified Deactivated” © 2015 by Chris Lynch
“Love Packs Heat” © 2015 by Eric Shanower
“The Dragon” © 2015 by Francesca Lia Block
“The Babysitters” © 2015 by Jenny Hubbard
“The Battle of Elphinloan” © 2015 by Elizabeth Gatland
“Dark Hobby” © 2015 by Edward Averett
“The Gunslinger” © 2015 by Peter Johnson
“Heartbreak” by Joyce Carol Oates © 2015 by The Ontario Review, Inc.
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