“Just as long as you’re sure… sure that you could truly raise another man’s child as if she was your own…”
30
Angelina
I held my breath, staring up at him, waiting…
Kiss me… tell me you love me… I can say it back now. I love you with all my soul, Will… I always have. Just tell me you want me. That you want us… It’s only you and me and Violet… I’m not pregnant… Everything will be easier this way...
But he shifted, picking me up and carrying me into the living room. He sat down in an overstuffed chair by the fire and settled me on his lap.
“I love you, Angel. And I would love any child that belongs to you… no matter who the father was. And you’re the only parent Violet knows.”
“And nothing really has to change,” I said. “Except that she’ll have a father figure in her life for the first time…”
“Or she may have a real father,” he interrupted gently. “You must have thought about it, sometime in all these years…”
“But Jimmy’s not interested in being her father,” I said deliberately. “He didn’t even want his name on her birth certificate. He wants nothing to do with either one of us…”
“I’m not talking about Jimmy,” he said, cupping my face with his hand. “Surely it occurred to you… that it was possible Jimmy was never Violet’s true father…”
I could feel my eyes blinking, my throat working but failing to swallow. My mouth was open, but no sound came out. Thoughts, memories, fears chased each other in my head until it was spinning… I was spinning. Maybe I had thought… for a split second… years ago… but it can’t be true. Violet is mine…. Violet has always been mine...
“I went into the city to talk to a friend of mine,” he went on calmly. “He’s a good man… a fertility specialist. He said there’s a simple test that can be done. It could prove that Violet is mine.
About a year after you disappeared, I was in an accident,” he continued, looking past me… unfocused. “I was just learning to paraglide and took a bad landing. A lot of broken bones, but that wasn’t the worst of it. The accident damaged… well, the chance of ever having a child of my own is likely over now.”
“For me, too,” I said faintly. “There were complications after Violet, and scarring.” I swallowed a lump in my throat, unsure whether I was swallowing laughter or tears. “And I just took a pregnancy test…”
“I don’t suppose I have to ask the result,” he said, sadly. I shook my head.
“I thought it would be easier for us if I wasn’t pregnant, that you might be overwhelmed by it.”
He smiled wistfully. “That’s why I’m hoping you’ll agree to testing Violet, Angel. She’s my only chance at being a dad. And if she turns out to be mine… I have to know, sweetheart.” He took my face in his hands. “And Violet has a right to know…,” he added softly.
And deep in my heart, I knew he was right. But my head swam and my heart was pounding in my chest. I’d come here thinking that the path ahead was clearer for us. That I could be brave enough to let Will inside the cocoon of safety I’d built around myself and my precious daughter. The idea that he could have… that he wanted to have rights to her that were equal to mine…
Maybe I’d always known, somewhere deep down, that Violet could have been Will’s child. But I had pushed the possibility aside and I had done it intentionally. When Jimmy left, it had simply been easier to think of her as only mine, and I’d just taken the easy way out. Everything in me was telling me to do the same thing now. To pack up and run. To take my child and disappear. To protect her… to protect myself…
I looked into Will’s hopeful face and felt ashamed. My head was pounding, my stomach churning. How could I share my baby… my heart… with this man? With anyone…?
But could I deny him forever… his one and only chance to be a father?
31
Will
“She’s mine, Will. Since the day she was born. I had Mattie and her sister for support, but I was the one who stayed up with her at night. I was the one who changed her and fed her and washed her and protected her. Donna had a family of her own. And one day, even Mattie is going to find someone and want to have a family of her own. I’m the only person who’ll never leave her, Will. And she might need to be cared for… for the rest of her life. There’s no way to know right now…” She was breathing hard and her eyes were bright with intensity and emotion. “Men, even men who are fathers, can always walk away. Mine left me and Mom… Jimmy wanted no part of Violet… Fathers walk away. They have for centuries…”
“But I’m not going anywhere,” I said, taking her possessively in my arms. “Not now, not ever.”
“I don’t think any man plans to,” she answered. “But it happens every day. And I won’t give you the power to take her away from me if you go…”
“Angel… my God.” I stared at her. “Do you honestly believe I would…”
“I don’t want the paternity test, Will. I won’t give my permission, and I’ll fight you on it, if I have to.
I want you… I love you, Will…,” she said finally. “It’s taken me all this time to say it, and I do love you. But I can’t take the chance.” She shook her head and I watched dark tears stream down her face. “I told you at the club that I could never be a submissive. And I meant it, Will. Maybe there’s no point in denying that sex between us is…”
“Primal… Hot… Erotic as fuck…?”
“You tie me up and you dominate me.”
“And you can’t imagine it any other way,” I said, intently. “It’s the same for me.”
Her eyes shifted away, but not before I saw the truth in them. “It’s all I ever wanted since the very first time,” she admitted. “But I never… It was never… not with anyone but you…”
“I know.” I turned her face back to mine. “It’s the closest you allow yourself to come, to trusting me. That’s why you need it, that’s the reason you crave the experience. Because deep inside, all of us have to find that one person they can trust with their whole heart and soul.” I gripped her arms and held her to me. “You know as well as I do that it’s part of us. Part of the unbreakable bond between us… Hell, it was part of finding each other again.”
“I can’t put my needs before Violet’s,” she whispered. “It doesn’t matter what I want… how I feel. Her life, her little world, has finally become stable and secure. If things between us didn’t work out…”
“You would disappear again? This time with a child you knew was mine, too…”
“You don’t understand the responsibilities of being a parent, Will.”
“I don’t,” I admitted. “And I never will. Until you can learn to trust me.”
And the evening was suddenly and abruptly over.
She’d stared at me for a long time, both of us silent, neither knowing the next step. It had felt like an impasse. And then she’d climbed off my lap and slipped away without another word. I was angry, frustrated… mostly with myself. If only I’d handled it differently… I reached into my pocket and pulled out the black velvet box.
I’d gone straight from Harry’s office to the jeweler’s. The order I’d placed weeks ago was finally ready. I opened the box and six stunning carats of antique diamond flirted and winked in the firelight. It belonged on her finger, warmed by her flesh the way she warmed my heart. I should have started here, I thought, snapping the box shut. By offering my heart before I asked her to give hers.
I paused in the kitchen long enough to shut off the oven and pour myself a scotch. I tossed it down in a single swallow and climbed the staircase to my room. Our room…
We were supposed to be together tonight, Angel. You, with my ring on your finger and me… spilling myself inside you. It should have been the first night of a thousand more to come. Of a life together… of every need being met.
I stripped down and climbed into the shower. I let the water run hard and cold, but it did no good. I was
hard from the moment I’d taken her into my arms. I gripped my cock and jerked it punishingly. I wanted the oblivion of sleep and this was the only way. But I wasn’t looking for pleasure. I pounded myself to a fast, explosive climax, spilling useless seed against the cold glass of the stall. It was empty and heartless, just a path to unconsciousness. For my heart was with my angel. And the empty space in my chest was all that was left behind.
32
Angelina
“I won’t let him take her from me.”
“Who the fuck says he wants to, Angie?”
I had thrown another handful of clothes into the suitcase and was digging into the back of the closet for a missing shoe. I spun around to face her.
“He can’t have any more children, Mattie. Violet is his one and only chance at fatherhood.” I ran an exasperated hand through the mess of my hair. “We’ve been apart for years. And it seems like he’s been getting along just fine without me. We met again at a fucking bondage club…” Mattie threw me a sidelong glance. “Again, no offense…,” I added, swallowing.
“I just don’t see why you’re in such a fucking hurry to throw away a man who’s obviously ga-ga over you,” she replied dryly. “It’s not like he forgot all about you all those years, either. He was trying to find you…”
I stuffed the errant shoe into the bag and sat down on the bed. “And he did,” I said, with a sigh. “He found us… and he gave me a job that should have gone to someone with a hell of a lot more experience than I have.
“Something to be grateful for…”
“He did it all in secret, Mattie,” I said, my empty stomach rolling. “He made sure I never knew it was him until I’d signed the contract and we were already on the island. He talks to me about trust and honesty… Was that honest, Mattie?”
She frowned and crossed her arms stubbornly. “I think he knew you were a fucking flight risk, Angie,” she said plainly. “And it looks to me like he called it.” She reached out a hand to push the suitcase away. “I’ve seen this too many times, honey,” she said gently. “You take a few baby steps forward and you get scared.
And you use Violet as an excuse… to never let yourself get close to anyone. Or to let them get too close to you.”
“That isn’t fair,” I shot back, bitter tears stinging my eyes. “I’m a single mom. My child is supposed to be my first priority.”
“Your happiness is supposed to be your first priority,” she said softly. “Because if momma ain’t happy or fulfilled, then baby won’t be either…” She looked at me and blinked. “You matter, too…”
I sat, open-mouthed, unable to respond. She was so calm, so straightforward… so infuriatingly right…
“Will’s one of the good ones, Angie,” she said, taking my hand in hers. “And I know damned well he’s a big part of the reason you never got close to any other man.” She took a big breath in and let it out noisily through her nose, taking her time. “It isn’t fair to any of you… to him, or to Violet… to run away from a man you happen to be in love with. Not to mention what it could mean to Violet to have a chance to have a real father, her real father, in her life.”
“And if he decides it’s too much?” I said, letting the tears spill over my cheeks. “I know what it’s like to have a child who needs so much extra care. He doesn’t, Mattie. Even if he loves me and I love him… what if he decides halfway in that it’s all too much? Or he decides I’m not what he wants anymore, and tries to take Violet away from me. He’s got the resources to…”
“Do you really want to base your future and Violet’s on a bunch of what-ifs, Angie?” She frowned and handed me a box of tissues. Practical girl…
“He built a sex room in his house, Mattie,” I said, exasperated.
“Lucky girl,” she replied evenly, with that unflappable smile.
“Just be back by seven,” she said. “I’ll have dinner ready and everything else taken care of. Just go enjoy yourselves.”
I handed Violet her little plastic pail and struggled to get the leash snapped onto Miri’s collar. Her little back was arched and she was dancing, eager to get outside. What she needed was a good long run on the beach. So did I.
“I don’t know what I’d ever do without you, Mattie,” I said, straightening up and opening the door. The brisk scent of salt water made me take my first full breath in, in as long as I could remember. “You know I’ll never be able to thank you enough for everything you’ve done for me… for us.”
She scowled lightly. “You don’t have to thank me, Angie,” she said. “You just need to be happy.” She shooed us out with a look. “Seven, remember…”
And we were off. The sand was so fine and soft, I couldn’t help but kick off my shoes. Violet held my hand and walked beside me slowly, but Miri pulled at the leash. She’d been cooped up too long and, in spite of her excellent training, was bursting with puppy energy.
“I can take her leash if you like…” His voice warm, close… resonant. And even as my mind resisted, my body relaxed and responded to his tone. He was sitting among the smooth dark rocks that formed a natural jetty. He was barefoot and in jeans, a black pullover showing roped, tanned forearms. My insides rolled, and I remembered absently that I’d forgotten to eat…
“She needs exercise,” I answered as coolly as I could. “So do I, really. This is the kind of sand that’s made for a good long run.”
“I can give her a run, let her burn off her energy… It isn’t any good, holding it inside…,” he said, standing up and moving closer to us. The denim hugged his long, lean legs as he made his way down, setting off a riot of feelings inside me.
“Or we could come along with you,” I replied, leaning down to pick up Violet and putting her on my hip. “As long as you two don’t go too fast. Miri’s not as little as she used to be.”
“Well, then…,” he said, reaching for Violet before I realized what was happening. “How about if…,” he said as he lifted her in one easy swing up to his shoulders, “we all go slow. I could walk for hours on this beach,” he said, looking down at me, taking my hand in his.
But my nails dug into his palm. I braced for her temper to let go… for my little daughter’s typical response to the sudden touch of a stranger. She might be mute, but she could scratch and strike out with her knees and her little feet. She’d done it before… I opened my mouth, gulping in a breath to warn him, to soothe her… but when I looked up to her…
She wasn’t pulling his hair. Her little fingers were wrapped around his cheeks, but they weren’t biting in and scratching. She wasn’t smiling… but the anxiety I expected to see wasn’t there either. She sat on his broad shoulders, looking out over the water with curious eyes… as if she was waiting to see what would happen next…
“I won’t change my mind, Will,” I said softly. “I wish I could help you to understand…”
The sun was setting fast and even Miri was sound asleep. I carried her, warm and furry in my arms, as we headed back. Will had Violet, and her head rested comfortably against his shoulder, her eyelids bobbing heavily. “Today was wonderful, but it doesn’t really change anything.”
“Then maybe tonight will,” he said, his voice gentle… seductive. “Come up to the house… after Violet goes to bed. Mattie’s back… she can stay with her.”
“She’s my responsibility, Will…”
“Then bring her with you. There are half a dozen extra bedrooms in the house.” He grinned down at me. “You furnished them yourself.”
I shook my head in frustration. “You don’t understand. She isn’t like other children. You can’t just expect her to adjust to new surroundings.”
“She’s been happy at the cottage,” he said, shifting her weight on his shoulder. “You told me yourself how well she adjusted to the move. Besides, what I’m planning for us may not be exactly what you’re thinking…”
By the time we reached the front steps of the cottage, I was exasperated, starving, and I knew… grasping for straws. I knew I
needed to tell him that we’d be leaving for good in the morning. That there wouldn’t be any more nights together. That Mattie had packed up the last of our things while we’d been spending our final afternoon on the beach. I turned to him, not knowing what words to use…
Mattie saved me by opening the front door.
“Fifteen minutes late. I swear if that chicken is dry…
Hey, Will,” she said, seeing him over my shoulder. She looked back and forth between us and pursed her lips. “I see you got the invite.”
It was my turn to look from one to the other. “You asked him to dinner?”
She took the puppy from my arms and disappeared for a moment, to tuck her into her bed. I could still hear Miri’s snore from the other room. “I thought he had a right to hear what I have to say,” she said finally. “Will Violet wake up enough to eat, or is she out for the night?”
“I’ll put her to bed,” I answered, taking her from Will’s arms. “Once she’s asleep, she won’t wake up for anything…”
And I carried her to her room, my stomach churning, my heart racing.
33
Will
“So have you told her?” I asked.
Mattie turned around with the casserole in her hands and kicked the oven door shut with a foot. She lifted the top with a potholder and the scent wafted up. “No, I wanted you to be here when I broke the news,” she said. “It’s why I invited you.” She faced me squarely. “And have you asked her?”
The Baby Pact_A BDSM Romance Page 11