by Kara Hart
“No way,” Jenna whispers. “James, you’re twisted, man.”
James angrily glances over at Jenna, but changes his temper. “Yeah, actually. I gave a speech in one of her classes. Her friend made her follow me outside.”
“Oh, God,” I mutter to myself. “I already forgot. Yeah, I have the worst friend in the world.”
“That’s how we met. We’ve only been out a few times, but…” James stops himself for a second to look at me. He takes a deep breath in and finishes his glass of wine. “I really like her. She doesn’t want to believe me, but I think she’s perfect.”
“And the wedding?” Jim asks.
“Dad,” James sighs. “Come on. Not now.”
I awkwardly scoot my chair forward. The food shifts in my stomach. I struggle to come up with something to say.
“It’s funny, actually. He was joking around about marriage the other day,” I say, awaiting laughter. There is none.
“Already?” Jenna asks. “James, you’re moving faster than normal.”
Jim jumps in, eagerly. “Yes, well. Family is the foundation of life.”
“Dad!” both James and Jenna jump in and stop his dad from moving forward with his very old school speech.
James looks at Jenna and works up the courage to say something. Yet when the words don’t come, he doesn’t continue to play this game. He sighs and lets his napkin drop onto the table. He pushes back and gets up. “I think we should probably get going,” he says, glancing at me. His eyes dart back and forth. I can tell that it’s probably time, even though we haven’t been here for that long. Tensions are high and they’re going through something much bigger than I can understand.
“James,” Jenna sighs and stands up with him. I crawl out from my seat and rub James’s arm in mild support, but I’m pretty confused at this point. Jim looks at all of us as if we’re crazy.
“I have more scotch,” he says.
“I think that’s the last thing we need,” I whisper.
James and I walk outside and immediately the fresh air is like a healing blanket that surrounds us. In the distance, crickets and other odd insects can be heard singing their song. Summer. It’s finally summer and it’s a time to celebrate… or at least that’s what I thought summer was all about. Right now, everything feels like a funeral party.
“Sorry about all of this,” he says to me when things start to feel quiet again. I can faintly hear someone inside collecting the plates and silverware from the table, probably Jenna.
“It’s okay,” I shrug. “Families are weird, you know?”
“I guess so. Normally, we’re pretty close. Things aren’t this weird at least. Lately it just feels like dad is spiraling. I mean, it could be worse, but he’s in this weird family thing. I don’t really get it. I’m trying to, but it’s like a fucking broken record at this point,” he says.
I nod and let myself fall against him. It’s going to be okay, I tell myself. Everything happens for a reason. This is just a hard time. These are all the things that I should be telling him right now, but I can’t find the right way to get the words out. Part of me understands that he just needs someone to talk to, to hold onto, a woman who is going to keep him steady and strong.
“You can get through anything, James,” I whisper.
He looks at me like I’m a glowing orb of truth, sent here from a distant world or something. Then, he kisses me. He caresses the back of my head and kisses me deeply. We both connect on such an intimate level that when we fall back, it almost makes no sense.
Still, as deep as we can go together, there’s still something on my mind. “What did your dad mean by that whole marriage thing?” I finally ask him.
“I don’t know. It’s part of that whole family thing. He wants me to get married. I hear it on a daily basis,” he says.
“But…” I hesitate to move this conversation forward. It’s not the best of topics and I know it can’t end well. My curiosity is what drives me forward, as well as the nagging urge to understand him and the world he grew up in. “Doesn’t he know that marriage is a natural thing that just sort of happens when it needs to? You can’t force something like that.”
He laughs and nods his head. He taps on the wood railing outside and rubs my back. “He grew up in a different world. A different time. Time,” he sighs again and thinks about that world. “Man, it must have been really different. I mean, I think my parents were in love. They stayed together through everything. If that isn’t love, what is? But, the thing is, back then… people did what they felt like they had to do. They had to make a family to provide something for their life. They had to continue that process, work hard, and solidify a plot to their name.”
“It’s weird to think about,” I say.
“Yeah, well, it’s a catch-22, isn’t it? On one hand, that way of living created us and this, and everything we enjoy. On the other hand, it stifled a lot of people’s dreams. Now, everyone can be an individual. At least, that’s what they say. Sometimes I think we’re worse off,” he says. “But it doesn’t matter. I found you. You’re someone I can feel good around, and I’m not going to let that go away. I know tonight was sort of a dud. I know my family might seem crazy to you. But know that I can be different. Know that when I look at you, I see the world in such a different light. It’s so much brighter with you in it.”
I open my mouth to speak, but my vocal chords have stopped working. My throat feels heavy with emotion. The door opens and Jenna quietly walks out. “Hey guys,” she whispers. “I just want to apologize for everything tonight. I didn’t mean to step on any toes. I’ve been doing that a lot lately. There is a lot of crazy shit going on in this family right now. It’s hard to know what to say, if anything.”
“Don’t worry about it, Jenna. Honestly. It’s my bad. I shouldn’t have freaked out in there,” James says. “It’s just dad won’t stop with the whole—”
“Yeah,” she laughs. “Family is everything. He’s going overboard. He can’t say anything to me about it anymore. I’ve started the whole death process already.” She laughs again, betraying her sadness in the light edges of the sound that comes out.
“He’s right. It’s just that I see the world a little bit differently,” James says.
“We all do,” I whisper back.
“Want to smoke this joint?” Jenna asks, reaching into her purse. She pulls out a long and slightly fat torpedo looking thing, and holds it in front of her like it’s the saving grace of the night. James looks at me. I look back at him. And we both start laughing hysterically.
“I think we should head out,” I say.
“Someday I’m going to get you to get high with me, brother. Trust me, the stress will wash right off,” she says.
“That’s what you keep telling me, Jenna. I’m sure you’re right. You always are,” James says.
We step down from the porch and start walking back to the car. “I love you,” Jenna says. “You too, Olivia. I don’t know you, but I feel like I do. See you tomorrow at the hospital?”
“Thanks. You too,” I say.
“I’ll be there,” James says in his gravelly voice.
As we walk down the path, James grabs my hand. Our fingers intertwine and his palm squeezes down hard. Shivers move up and down my spine. I know that we’re moving closer than ever before. I know that something is changing within both of us, and even if we can’t quite mutter the right words, my whole life feels… lighter.
James
It’s like water. Fluid, moving, ever-changing water. When you look at it, it appears blue, or maybe even a dark turquoise. Really, it’s all just a trick of the eye, isn’t it? When you dive into the waves, it appears white as it mixes together and rolls onto the shore. As the waves pass and you swim to the center, you realize the danger that you’ve gotten yourself into.
It’s not blue. It’s not turquoise. It sure as hell ain’t white. It’s nothing. It’s a void. It’s darkness solidified into liquid. Yet, the curiosity keeps you goi
ng, keeps you moving down. It doesn’t pull you. You pull yourself. Dive, dive, dive! Into that impenetrable deep. What will you find? You’ll never know until you know. It could have sharp teeth. It could be something you’ve been waiting for.
My father thinks family is everything. I try not to disagree with his assessment, but it’s almost impossible not to ponder further on the subject. Family is just one part of it. Yet, the vast ocean of life offers so much more. What about the dive into the deep unknown? What about the adventure and the light at the end of the tunnel? Isn’t the grandest part about life its mystery?
Or maybe my father is right. Maybe there is some sort of set plan for us. Perhaps we have to go through the motions because that’s just part of the human story set within a “unstable” civilization. Or maybe I’m just thinking too damn hard about all of this.
When I look over at her, sleeping so soundly, I can’t help but feel the pain of love within my chest. For me, she is that impenetrable deep. She is the unknown, the mystery I’ve been waiting for. She has disrupted my life in the best way possible. Now, I’m stuck diving deeper and deeper, without any chance of getting air.
“What’re you doing up?” she whispers. Her voice is groggy and cute. Her lips pout against the bed sheets. Her lids weigh heavy against her eyes. I sink back into the covers. I wrap my arms around her. I kiss the top of her head. I grab her cheeks and kiss her lips. I bite her lower lip. I pull back and inhale every bit of her. I’m obsessed, so fucking obsessed.
“I have to go to the hospital,” I say.
She shoots up and grabs me. “The hospital? Why? Are you okay?” I laugh and grab her. We’re both rolling on the bed.
“Oh yeah,” she laughs. “That’s where you work. Don’t go in today. Let’s just do this.”
I pin her against her pillow and her arms go effortlessly behind her back. I grab her wrists and squeeze. She kisses upward and our lips meet in a fiery heat.
“How about I come right back here,” I say.
“When?” she asks.
“That’s for me to know and for you to find out,” I say. “I’m coming back here when I’m done and I want to find you just like this, waiting for me. Wet.”
“Wet.” She repeats the word in a choked whisper.
“Dripping wet for me,” I say. I pull back and crawl away from the bed. I’m piercing hard right now and she can see every inch in front of her. She’s got this look in her eyes that tells me she wants to reach out and grab it, but she doesn’t have permission to right now. That’s for later.
“I’ll be right here,” she says, in a trance.
“Good girl.”
I grab my clothes and boots. I quickly put everything on, glancing at her every few minutes to make sure she hasn’t moved. I walk toward the door and look back one more time. “Don’t worry,” she says. “You know what I am. I’m good.”
“For me you are,” I say.
I close the door and walk to my car. I drive to the hospital, cock still hard and throbbing. I drive. Pedal to the metal. I get to the hospital. One surgery takes an hour and a half. I am on fire. With her on the mind, I can conquer any task in front of me. My crew looks at me, stunned.
I walk through the halls knowing that life is finally good. Well, at least it’s as good as it can be. When I push past that third hall, I know where I’m going. I see Jenna at the end and the sway to my walk sort of disconnects from the rhythm around me. My steps slow down until all I can offer her is a slight frown. “What’s up?” I ask her.
“Oh, you know. Same shit as always, right?”
“Right,” I say.
There’s nothing else to say. I start to feel guilty when I wonder how long will this process last? How long will we wait for our mother to die? Every day is a battle. I hate admitting that, but it’s true. This reoccurring nightmare has us all entrenched in a very real and odd spot.
“I should probably see her,” I say. “Who knows how long we have.”
“Go ahead. I’ll be out here,” she says.
I walk inside and feel my throat choke up. My body feels tight and worn down. I’m tired. Work has been hell on me. I have Olivia as my solace, and that’s something, but is it something I can rely on forever? Can she really support all of this weight?
“Hey Mom,” I whisper.
Her eyes move and I feel my heart ache with pain. My fists clench and teeth gnash together. For a second, I start to regress a bit. I look to my side, at the glass window. I have a sudden urge to hurl a chair right through it, as if that’s going to solve my every problem. But it’s not a man’s job to smash and break every setback that is put in his way. When anger isn’t an option, sadness creeps in. I fall to the floor and feel the tears push past my eyelids.
Mother… my only mother. She was the woman who raised me. She was the woman who taught me everything. She taught me how to be humble, how to help people, and how to turn the other cheek. She was the one who made me want to become a surgeon. What will happen when she is gone?
I pick myself off that waxy-coated floor, shining from the artificial light that hangs from above. I move forward to her bed, and sit down next to her. I take her hand in mine and force a smile out. “I’ve met someone, Mom. She’s perfect, a real angel,” I say.
Do you love her? She doesn’t utter the words, but that’s exactly what she’d say if she could. If you don’t love her, you shouldn’t waste her time.
“I think I love her,” I say. “But how can you be sure? Did you know right away when you met Dad?”
There’s not going to be any real answers here. I’m talking to a woman who’s knocking on heaven’s door. The only answers I’m going to get are from myself. She would have told me that her and my father were of different circumstances. She would have said that she knows better now, that good life decisions are constantly shifting due to circumstances and customs.
The only thing that matters in life is what feels good, but it has to make others feel good too. Love is about humbling yourself for another person. When I am around Olivia, I want to make her laugh, I want to hear her happiness, and I want to make sure she’s always being listened to, even if times are tough.
I want to kiss her nose. I want to smell her scent. I want to see her and feel her every god damn second of the day. Is that love?
I squeeze my mother’s hand again and nod to myself. “I’m here, Mom. I’m here.” I don’t leave this time, even though I could. Instead, I stay for my mother. I stay because she’d stay for me. My sister eventually comes back inside. I look back at her and the flood of memories comes in.
“She was the best mom in the world,” I say.
“She was and is,” Jenna says, unable to let go. There’s a long pause and all that can be heard are doctors’ shoes hitting the ground outside, and the air conditioning. Occasionally, there’s the sound of someone from another room, coughing or calling for a nurse. “Is this really it? Is she leaving us, James?”
I nod, but I don’t let my head hang low. I keep my chin up for her. I then grab her hand and squeeze. I have to remain strong for everyone. I have to hold the entire world up in case they all fall down. “Yes, Jenna. She’s leaving,” I say. “But it’s okay. She gave us all she needed to.”
“There could have been more,” she cries. “There was supposed to be more. She’s not that old.”
“There are no guarantees. Whatever happens is what was going to happen. They did their best. Now it’s up to her whether or not she leaves today, tomorrow, or in a week. Whatever happens, I’m here for you and Dad. I hope you know that,” I say.
“God dammit,” she sighs. She begins to weep, deep and painful. I can barely stand it, but I have to. “Why do you always have to be the one to keep us lifted? Why can’t you suffer with us?”
I have no answers for her. It’s just in my nature. I don’t say anything and she doesn’t beg me anymore to give her an answer. The only thing that’s not up in the air is right now, the present. Even with this pain su
rrounding me, I have one beacon of hope, one bright light. Olivia. And she’s waiting for me. Is she the love of my life? Am I just marrying her because my father wants me to find a woman? I can’t answer those questions yet, but when I can, I’ll make sure she knows.
Olivia
The door opens. My mouth is dry and my heart is beating fast. My tongue pushes out of my mouth and licks my lips. I breathe in the cold air. His footsteps are heavy. I open my eyes and see him stop before me. My hands are positioned above me still. I’m completely nude. My legs cross slightly out of fear.
“I’ve been waiting patiently this whole time, doctor,” I say. He doesn’t smile.
“You act like I should reward you,” he says, while unbuttoning his shirt.
“Well, I have been good. It’s what you wanted, right?” I ask. The saliva hangs in the back of my throat. He throws his shirt in the corner of the room and steps one foot forward.
“You don’t get a treat each time you do something that I want,” he says. “You’re doing what you’re supposed to do. That’s all.”
“Well, then.” I smile. Again, he doesn’t smile back. “I guess I’ll just have to revert to being bad.”
“You’ll always be bad. Won’t you?” he asks. He then unbuttons his pants. He slowly zips them down and lets them hang open.
“I don’t think it’s possible for me to be one hundred percent good. I’ve been tainted for a long time,” I say.
“Ever since you met me, huh?” he asks.
“Ever since I met you.”
He slowly moves onto the bed. He takes off his pants. “Close your eyes,” he tells me. He lowers his mouth onto my stomach. He kisses me, sliding his tongue against my warm skin. I close my eyes and breathe in sharply. I can’t stop with him. I need him.
Emotions are running high at this point. I can hardly breathe. He looks at me and smiles, wicked. He reaches down with his strong, right arm. His fingers push past my lips. They curl inward against my g-spot. I gasp and bite my lower lip.