by Kara Hart
Of course, Dad doesn’t know that I know the people at the crematorium and I got her ashes from a friend. Okay, that sounds creepier than it is.
“Nancy lived a full life…” the Priest drones on, the same guy who tried to marry Olivia and me.
“I know it’s wrong, but I keep looking at the exits, like I’m planning my escape,” Jenna whispers in my ear.
“I’m doing the same thing, sister. Can’t stand these things,” I whisper.
“Mom is rolling in her grave right now,” she says. “I think I’m leaving right after the ceremony. I can’t stick around for the food.”
“We have to meet with everyone,” I tell her. “It’s part of the thing.”
“The thing?” she asks.
“You know, the part where people tell you how sorry they are in order to make themselves feel good,” I whisper.
“Oh.” She smiles. “That thing. Right.”
My dad looks at us, horrified. “Stop, you two. This is your mother. Show some respect,” he says. We quiet down, eternally the same two kids he raised.
After the ceremony, we exit to the front. Everyone stands in line to grab the buffet style food, cooked to a half-perfection, while we wait off to the side, shaking hands and saying, “Thank you for coming.”
“I literally have no idea who any of these people are,” Jenna says. “And I don’t think Mom did either.”
“Yeah, it’s like any small acquaintance can attend your funeral. It’s kind of disheartening,” I say.
I glance in my pocket for the hundredth time and Jenna notices. “Why do you keep doing that?” she asks me. I keep checking my phone every two minutes.
“Nothing,” I say.
“Olivia?”
“She has to text me back. She has to. I don’t get it. How can you just ghost someone? I’m trying not to put any weight to it, but come on. Enough is enough,” I say.
“Haven’t you heard? Everyone ghosts each other nowadays,” she says.
“Yeah, well. That’s not Olivia. She’s attentive. She’s different,” I protest.
“I don’t know,” she shrugs. “I don’t mean to put salt into any wounds, James, but maybe I was wrong. Maybe she’s really over it. I thought it would be an easy thing to forgive. I mean, I don’t know… I’ve done worse to my husband.”
I’m not ready to throw my cards in and walk away. It’s not about losing. It’s about not getting what you came for. It’s about a promise hanging in front of you, yanked away by the hounds of love. I’ll keep chasing the chain if I have to. I’ll search to the ends of the fucking earth.
“You’re wrong,” I say.
“James,” she whispers. “Come on. It might be time to move on?”
She asks it in a question, as if I’m supposed to answer, saying, “Yes, of course I’ll move on. It’s what any man should do. Don’t mind the fact I’m still in love with her. That doesn’t matter one bit.”
The whole thing enrages me, so I walk out. Past the line of sorry people, past the giant, stained glass doors, I move outside to the back of the parking lot and sit on the hot cement. My sister is wise. She always knows what’s really going on. If she says Olivia wants to move on, I need to relax and let life happen.
It’s like the bullets won’t stop hitting me.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” I instinctually reply to a familiar voice. My stomach clutches my organs. I shirk back and jump up. “Olivia?” I blink once or twice. It’s her. She’s standing in front of me. She’s swaying on the backs of her heels. I’m ready to grab her, to feel her soft body against mine, but I wait because I have no idea what she’s here for.
“I came to pay my respects,” she says. “I saw your text and looked up the funeral date in the newspaper. I hope it’s okay that I’m here. Sorry I’m late.”
A hummingbird flies by her ear, nearly whisking her hair up into the air. She pays no attention to it. I step forward in disbelief. “No, it’s fine. It’s, uh, really thoughtful that you came.”
“Should we go inside?” she asks.
I shrug and bite my tongue. “You know what? I’d rather stay out here for a bit,” I say. “Inside is a bit too much for me right now. You can go in if you want.”
She glances over at the door. She’s wearing a long, black dress. Even in her funeral attire, she looks like an angel. “No,” she whispers. “I think I’ll stay out here with you.”
“Okay.” I smile and place my hands in my pockets. “So, what have you been up to? Been busy?”
She looks away, past my left shoulder. Her eyes move toward mine, moving from side to side, analyzing my every emotion. She moves one step back, undecided. “No, not really. I’ve been around. I’ve been taking walks. Sometimes I go to the bar. I don’t know,” she says. “I just needed some time alone, I guess.”
“You’ve been going to the bars?” I ask her. “For what reason?”
“Why does it matter? You jealous?” She laughs and steps forward. We’re close, so fucking close. We’re only a foot apart. What’s stopping me from grabbing her and pulling her into my arms? Why am I so hesitant all of a sudden? I’ve never been like this in my life.
“Not jealous,” I reply. “Just curious.” Okay, I’m a little jealous. Whatever dickhead guy she’s meeting at the bar can fuck right off. It takes all of my strength to not freak out in front of her.
“Curious, huh. Interesting,” she says.
“What?” I laugh. “Don’t believe me?”
“Not really,” she says. “Not after those text messages.”
“Yeah, well,” I step forward an inch and pause. “That was then. This is now. I’m over it.”
“You’re over it? You don’t care that I go to the bar and meet with strange men? Men of all types and sizes,” she says. Her smile is devious. I know she’s just trying to fuck with me. She takes another step forward, about an inch. We’re so close to one another.
“It might make my blood boil a little bit,” I admit. “But I’ve promised my new girlfriend I’d take her out to dinner tonight. Oysters and caviar. You know, no big deal.”
“You’re an ass.” She slaps my arm.
I grab her hand, out of pure instinct. She opens her mouth wide. I’m not sure if she’s going to laugh loudly or yell at me, so before she does anything too drastic, I say, “I’m a huge ass.”
She laughs. Thank God, she laughs. I let go of her hand and let it fall. It brushes against my ribs, falls down to my hips. It catches my belt loops and stops. Her fingers intertwine through those loops and I feel the serotonin flooding through my brain. There it is. That feeling. Love. Of course, it’s accompanied by extreme thoughts of lust, but the love is there alright.
“Who’s the new girlfriend, huh?” she asks, twisting her tongue about in her mouth.
“You don’t know?” I ask.
“No, that’s why I’m asking,” she says.
“It’s you.” I smile and grab her waist. I pull her close to me. She doesn’t object. That’s when I know that she’s mine again. She won’t be leaving me. She’s back in my arms. Her lips are close to mine. I lower my head and she raises hers. Our lips crash together, exploding like fireworks in the sky. My body is pounding with extreme emotion. When I taste her, I remember what it’s like. It all comes flooding back.
I pull away and take a deep breath in. “It’s me?” she asks. “How come I wasn’t made aware of this?”
“Enough joking,” I tell her. “Olivia, I want you back. Are you going to be with me or not? Because I’m not going to wait around forever.” That’s a fucking lie. I’d wait until the sun burns out if it meant having her back.
“I don’t know, James.” She hesitates and tries to falter back, but I don’t let her. I keep her in my hands. She bites her lower lip. Come on, Olivia. I know what you want.
“Then you need to let me go,” I say. I let her move from my grasp. She doesn’t. She stands completely still. Instead, I back up and begin walking away
from her. I move toward the front doors that lead into the funeral. I just keep walking.
“James!” she shouts. I stop, but don’t turn around. I’ve had enough of these games. “I can’t let you go, James. I just can’t.”
I turn around and look at her. Her body has hunched a little under duress. She gives an exhausted look. She is beautiful in every way. She will always be the most gorgeous woman on the planet.
“Then what are we doing?” I ask her, now ten feet away.
“I want to be with you,” she says. “And I want to trust you.”
“I know it’s hard,” I tell her. “But we have to trust each other. You’re the only girl for me, Olivia. I can’t stand being away from you. This was the worst week of my life, dammit. I need you here.”
“Then promise me you’re not going to pull any more weird shit on me. Promise that your dad isn’t going to rely on patriarchal expectations. I want to be with you, but you need to reassure me, James,” she says. “I want to feel special again.”
“Are you joking?” I laugh and walk back to her. I pull her in my arms. My thigh brushes against her, in between her legs. I’m so fucking hard I could fuck her in this parking lot. “I’ll worship you, woman. I’ll do whatever it takes. You know that? I promise that if you stay with me, it’ll be the best decision you’ve ever made.”
“Please don’t hurt me,” she whispers. “Love me.”
“I’ll love you forever,” I tell her. It’s the God’s honest truth. “Want to get out of here for a bit?”
She nods her head, but stops short. “Don’t you have to be in there?” she asks.
“You didn’t know my mom, but she hated funerals. If she was still alive, she’d be pushing my ass away from this parking lot with force. Trust me on that,” I say.
“Where will we go?” she asks me.
I shrug. “Your place? Or mine?”
The eternal question. “Yours,” she says. “I always liked it better at your place.”
I grab her hand, feeling the infinite beat of life rush inside of me. I have her back. God dammit, I got her back.
Olivia
Sometimes it’s hard to see the good when something bad disrupts everything. When I found out what James was planning, it was like a blade was tearing at the top layer of skin, around my heart. I was left speechless. Tears were ready to flood past my eyes. And then the anger came in.
There’s nothing I wanted more than to rectify things with James. Deep down, I never wanted to leave him, even if I uttered those exact words aloud. I just wanted to be understood, and I wanted him to know his wrongdoings. I wanted to be shown that something like that couldn’t happen again.
I’m still scared, but he’s trying his hardest and I know he’s retained the guilt from all of this. I never wanted that either. These things take time and now we’ve begun the healing process, for real.
Right now, we’re sitting in a field, near a large cliff. In the distance is the ocean and the calm waves misting the shore. We’re not saying much. We’re just enjoying the surroundings. I feel so… good. It’s like we’ve both been searching for peace and now we’ve finally got it. Together.
Above us is a solitary tree. It hangs over, protecting us from the sun. We drove forty-five minutes to get to this spot and, as James tells me, “I used to come here once a week as a kid. It was my place, you know? I never got the chance to show you.”
It’s beautiful, truly gorgeous. Underneath us is a blanket. We have an assortment of snacks and food, but we’ve barely eaten anything. He just lets me lay in his arms. He tickles my back with his rough, unshakable hands. When he squeezes my shoulders, he sends me into the shivers.
“You have the best hands in the world,” I tell him.
“I better. People’s lives rely on these things,” he says.
“Trust me. I know how good those hands are,” I tell him.
“Oh yeah?” he asks. His eyes shift downwards to the bottom of my light blue dress. His right hand lowers until he’s touching the center of my panties. “They’re great hands, huh.”
“The best.” I choke out the words in a whisper. I cough to clear my throat. I soak my panties and instantly get flashbacks of my first time. He pinches both lips and moves his fingers up and down. I moan lightly and try to keep my eyes from watering with pleasure. I feel like my body is about to explode, already even. It’s just been too long since we’ve fucked like animals.
When he looks back into my eyes, I see the hunger. I can feel it, it’s so palpable. His towering body moves over mine as I begin to lean back. “James,” I whisper. I reach out and grab his hip. His muscles jut out. Right now, I’d let him do anything to me. Anything.
He keeps squeezing my lips, rolling his knuckle over my clit. I grow wetter and wetter, completely enthralled by him. His left hand reaches out to my breasts. He cups each one in order, caressing his fingers around my nipples. They dart out, skin tightening. Goose bumps form around my body.
This is the man I’m going to be with for the rest of my life. I just know it. I’m going to get this treatment forever.
He smooths out my pussy with his palm. He takes the elastic band between his fingers and pulls my panties down to my thighs. I start dripping down my legs. Moistness is all around us. He moves his hand over it and spreads it around. His breathing gets heavier. “Olivia,” he moans, deeply.
My head darts upward at him. Our lips meet. Our tongues push past the barriers. We share each other’s air. My underwear hangs on the bottom of my thighs. I can feel the grass against the blanket below my ass. His hands are all over me, slipping inside and out. Wet. Everything is wet.
“Put that cock inside of me,” I say. He pulls back and smiles. There’s no need for any spit. I’m so wet he’ll probably cum instantly.
But it’s not as easy as expected. He attempts to slide his thick and throbbing member inside of me. Slowly, he thrusts in. “It’s too big,” I protest. He puts a finger to my lips. I bite it lightly and feel it enter my mouth.
“Shh,” he whispers.
I feel each inch push inside of me. His palm slides over my mouth, arm jutting out to the side, muscles hard as a rock. “Someday,” he says. “I want to make a baby with you. But I’ll wait as long as you need.”
I grow even wetter. I can’t say a word with his hand over my mouth. He just thrusts into me, hard, slow, and deep. I breathe steadily through my nose. He takes his other hand and pinches it. I nod with satisfaction. I want it rough. I want it dirty. I want to be his plaything forever.
He lets go and falls back, pulling my dress with him. I fall on top of him, laughing. I lower my head and kiss his neck, tongue extending onto his skin. He runs his fingers through my hair, positioning my bangs behind my ears. He rubs his thumb on my cheek, looking at me like I’m his one and only.
“I want a baby with you,” I say.
“When we’re ready,” he says. “I want you to live for a bit first.”
I sit on his cock like it’s my iron throne. I rock back and forth, and side to side. I gyrate my hips like its none of his business. I lose myself in him. When he places his wet thumb against my clit and rubs, my orgasm comes faster than expected.
“Don’t hold back,” he says. He places his other hand on my pelvis. He presses firmly against the skin, pushing upward. The hood around my clit retreats and he just keeps rubbing. I feel the palpitations come. My muscles contract, in and out. My pussy wraps firm and hard around his cock. I try to move back up and then back down, but I can barely even control myself.
I scream loud and frantically. I hold onto his abs and press down tightly. I grind forward and then back in rapid motions. He then grabs my waist and holds me steady. He thrusts upward as hard as he can. With his right hand, he grabs my head and forces me to look at him. My vision is a blurry mess. He kisses me and I pull back. “Holy fuck,” I manage to say.
“That’s right, kitten,” he whispers.
“You’re…” I stop myself from saying
incredible. His ego is already too much.
“You’re incredible,” he says to me, taking the words right out of my mouth.
“Look at me,” I say.
“What?” He smiles.
“I said, look into my eyes when you cum. I want to see your eyes change as you explode,” I say.
His smile grows bigger. His hands tighten around my waist. He keeps thrusting, so powerful and absurdly hard. I reach down and hold his balls in my hand. They tighten as his cock grows. His muscles start to move erratically and a sharp sound exits from his mouth.
“That’s right,” I say. “Look at me. I love you.”
“I… love you,” he says, before moaning with obsessed pleasure.
I push my pussy down on him and hold him there. His balls keep tightening. His taint moves with irregular clicking. I start to feel his cum dripping from me, all around the sides of his shaft. I keep him there and smile when I see his pupils grow as big as the sun.
I lean forward and kiss him one last time, before stepping off of my ride. “You’re twisted,” he says, out of breath.
“That’s right.” I smile. “And now you’re stuck with me.”
“Thank God,” he whispers.
James
We lay in the same position for hours, pointing out the different shapes in the clouds. Every so often, we tell each other new stories about our life growing up. It’s almost as if we just discovered each other again. I’m finding new things out with every moment spent. Mostly, I just feel so content lying with her.
In the bag are my mother’s ashes. That’s part of the reason why we’re here. I used to come here a lot when I was younger, but I eventually stopped because of college and work. Jenna is meeting us in the next ten minutes or so. I called her over and she knows the drill. We’re meeting by the shoreline to throw them into the air and water.