by Kara Hart
“I’m sorry, Addison. I’m really fucking sorry. I wasn’t going to do anything. I swear,” I plead. It’s the truth. I didn’t want anything to do with this man. It was just a dumb mistake. I feel like I was pushed into this. I don’t want to blame Judy because I know she has good intentions, but I would have never come here if it wasn’t for her.
“This is fucked,” he shouts. “No. This is beyond fucked. This is betrayal.”
“Buddy, you need to fucking relax,” the other man says. “Stop messing with her. She can make her own choices.” The man puts his hand against Addison’s wrist and Addison jumps back, swinging his arm.
“No, Addison! Don’t,” I start to cry. I don’t care how that makes me look. I just feel so hopeless in this moment that I have to let it all out. “Please.”
He looks right at me and then turns back to the guy. He socks him right in the face. Of course, this doesn’t sit well with anyone in the bar. At least six men come running up to the commotion, tackling Addison to the ground.
“Get the fuck off of me!” he yells. I’m crying, Judy is freaking out, and Halloway has joined in the fray, slamming a pool cue over a guy’s face. The whole thing is complete chaos.
Addison is getting his face pummeled by multiple men now.
“This isn’t fair!” I scream. But Addison gets another wind of energy. He somehow forces himself out of the headlock that he’s in and pushes back against the crowd. He swings at everyone, knocking someone back. He punches the guy and the guy falls to the ground, knocked out cold.
Addison and Halloway team up, swinging at the rest of them. It’s shocking to watch because they’re trained fighters. One man falls. Another man falls. A third man hits the pool table and breaks his arm.
“We have to get out of here,” Halloway yells to Addison. “Cops will be here any minute, no doubt.”
Addison turns to me after beating every last one of these guys up. “You did this,” he tells me. “You broke my heart. No. You broke me.”
I fall to the floor, tears streaming down my face. You broke me. What the fuck have I done?
Addison
Helena runs out of the bar, crying her fucking eyes out. I’m left with a bloody and bruised face, body, and ego. I run out with Halloway not too long after, mostly because the cops are surely on their way. What I really want to do is go back in that building and show them who’s boss, but really, the fight was unfair to begin with. Halloway and I are SEALs. We can take on anyone who comes our way.
We end up driving miles out, toward an old lake we used to drink at. Lucky for us, we have a few beers in the trunk of his car. It’s a time to reconnect, a time to rediscover our roots. Of course, bar fighting will do that to a SEAL. At least, it will for anyone who was in our platoon.
“Fuck, I’m all banged up,” I whisper as I open a can of Coors. I drink it quickly, and roll the cold can around my face. “I’m getting old. This shit is starting to hurt more.”
“What is? Heartbreak?” Halloway chuckles softly, but his tone is sad.
“Ha, I wasn’t thinking that, but you’re right. Heartbreak does hurt more,” I admit. “I just can’t believe the woman.”
He nods and takes a small sip of his beer. “You heard her though, right?” he asks. I raise a confused eyebrow. “She said Judy brought her along, and that it wasn’t her fault. It was just one of those wrong place, wrong time situations.”
“I’ve heard that a million times,” I say, staring out at the ice-cold lake. It’s started to freeze over, but it’s not exactly solid yet. There’s an urge in me to jump in, to just say, “fuck it,” and see what happens. However, I sit still and keep on staring.
“Yeah, but I think she may be telling the truth,” he says. “Judy is wild, man.”
“Wild? She’s a teacher. How wild can she really be?” I ask him. “Every time I see them together, they just gossip. Sounds like typical girl shit to me.”
“Nah, man. Like, she’s crazy. That’s why I like her. ‘Cause I’m off my head, just like her,” he laughs. “Seriously, I bet she dragged her to that bar and made her talk to that guy. She didn’t seem like she was having a great time.”
He’s right. She did seem a bit out of character. “He had his hand on her arm,” I protest. “Did you see it? If you saw it, you’d understand my anger. He touched my girl.”
“I thought you two weren’t dating,” he laughs. “I thought you two were just fooling around.”
“You know what I mean,” I spit against the grassy dirt.
“I think something’s going on with you, man,” he says to me. It infuriates me. Who the hell is he to talk to me about issues? I stand up and chuck the can of beer into the lake. I instantly regret doing it, however, and grab a large stick and fish it out. “See what I mean?” he asks.
“I kind of flipped on her the other day,” I admit, kneeling down. I rub my face in my palm and breathe out, until a calm washes over me. Of course, that doesn’t last too long. “God, I’m so fucking arrogant. I’ve kept too much from her. She thinks I’m a saint.”
“What happened?” he simply asks, ignoring the rest of my outbursts.
“She grabbed my plaque of medals,” I say. “It made me lose my shit. I don’t know why. I just didn’t want her to see it.”
“I hear ya,” he says, finishing his beer. “I don’t like it when people bring it up either. They’ve got all their notions about what it is to be a soldier, but in the end, they have no fucking clue what it’s like. It’s a tribe. Things happen. Some of them are commendable and some of them, well, just aren’t. The medals and all that shit are just for show. It’s for the rest of the world to gawk at.”
“Yeah,” I laugh. “Accessories. When I got them, I was pretty fucking proud. I thought I would wear them all the time, and for a while, I did.”
“Ha, remember how many women used to flock over to us when we wore our uniforms out? I swear, it was the biggest pussy magnet in the whole fucking world,” he says, thinking back.
“Hell yeah, I remember. It was fun while it lasted, but after a while, I just started to feel bitter. You know?” I ask.
“I know,” he says, nodding plainly.
“And like, now I just want to be a normal person. I want to repair people’s homes and make people feel good in that way. I want to go home after a long day of work, enjoy a beer, and be like any other person in the world. I want to watch TV and have a wife. I hate to say it, but I want to ignore that part of me,” I say. I feel like I need to clarify myself, though. “It’s not that I’m embarrassed or ashamed of being a SEAL. I wouldn’t do anything different if I could. It’s just that I’m done with that part of my life. That was then. This is now.”
“Man, women seem so complicated sometimes, but I think men might be the hardest creatures to read,” he laughs.
“Fuck,” I laugh too. “That’s true. I don’t want to admit that, but it’s damn true.”
“I think you have your answer,” he says. “I don’t think it has to be over between you two if you don’t want it to be.”
“How so?” I ask. “Pretty sure she hates my guts.”
“Nah, she’s just embarrassed and a little frightened,” he says.
“I guess, man.”
“Look, just apologize to her. Buy her some pretty flowers. Do something nice for her. And tell her what you just told me. You’ll be fine,” he says.
“You think?” I ask him.
“Man, I know so. Judy’s tryin’ to teach me. I guess she’s taught me some shit. After you’re done telling her the honest truth, there’s no way she won’t be back, around your cock and screaming your name,” he says, clapping his hands loudly.
“I hope you’re right, man. Helena is the best lay I’ve ever had,” I admit. “She’s always the sweetest flower in all of Canton. I miss her.”
“Don’t get too sappy now,” he says, eyeing me. “I still need a partner to get in bar fights with.”
“Halloway, you know I’m alwa
ys down for a good fight,” I laugh. We both clink our cans together and finish another round. Things are a little weird right now, but I’m starting to have hope that it can be better.
Helena
I manage to get the confidence to text Addison the next day. It’s a Saturday and I don’t have any school, thank God. I live for my weekends, just like the kids in my classes do. Part of me wants to see if he’s okay. I know he was hurt in that fight last night and it makes me feel like total shit.
Another part of me, however, wants to turn a blind eye to the whole thing. He flipped out on me. He made me feel like I was nothing. Worse than that, he made me feel scared for my own safety. That isn’t okay. But even with all that bullshit, I still feel a connection to him. It’s one of those conundrums that you just can’t shake.
So I give in to my annoying brain and I text him. “You free today? I need those lights fixed still. My house is getting darker every day.”
He replies within minutes. “Sure thing. I have an opening at 7, if that works.”
“Sounds good,” I reply back. I hold my finger over the keys of my phone, wondering if I should ask how he’s doing. I feel like a bitch, even though it’s not exactly my fault. Wrong place, wrong time. That’s what it was. I decide I’ve said enough and I force myself toward distractions.
I grab my bike and go, even though it is not the time to ride. I don’t care. I need something. I need an escape. I need to feel the wind whipping across my face. I want to feel alive again, as alive as I did when I was with him. “Addison, you son of a bitch,” I say to myself, feeling the air in my lungs get tighter. “Why do you do this to me?”
I walk off my porch and I put my feet on the pedals. I ride like there’s no tomorrow and it feels so fucking good. It almost feels better than sex. I smile and howl, laughing to myself. It’s that fun to just get away from all the crap that’s been stressing me out. Sometimes, you just have to do that. Give it all up and go for a ride.
But then I come across that park, that big open space where we first kissed. The night I ran away. Fuck, I start to remember it all so clearly. I turn into the park and ride up to the bench slowly. I get off and I notice that his jacket is still there, but it’s basically turned into a giant icicle.
A tear falls from my eye, rolling down my cheek. It falls onto the jacket. I wipe at my face and pick the jacket up. I put it in my bike basket and ride home, slowly. It’s getting darker outside and I know Addison will be driving over pretty soon. I look like shit, but I don’t care. He’ll just have to deal with the real me from now on, since I’ve seen the real him.
I ride back and notice that Addison’s car is already in my driveway. He’s leaning against the back bumper, wearing his typical work clothes. Even though it’s freezing out, he doesn’t have a jacket on, just an undershirt. It’s probably because the only jacket he owns is the one in my basket.
“Hey, beautiful,” he says with a smile, like he’s unsure whether or not he’s allowed to call me that.
“Hi.” I smile back, trying to be warm with him, but it’s hard now that we’ve gone through this. His whole face is pretty banged up. It’s totally swollen on one side and there’s a large cut over his left eye. Bruises cover his arms and I’m sure they’re across his chest too.
“Fuck,” I sigh. “You look like shit.”
“Ha, thanks,” he says, sourly. He steps forward and reveals a bouquet of flowers that he was hiding behind his back. “I got these for you. Freshly picked. I know it doesn’t really make up for what I did, but I thought it might be nice.”
My heart feels warm, but I’m also still hurt. I feel guilty too. It’s a bunch of strange emotions mixed together, and I totally hate it.
“Thank you.” I smile, eyes watering up. “They’re so beautiful.” I take the flowers and smell them, closing my eyes. They smell really great.
“I have something for you too,” I tell him. “Well, kind of.”
“For me?” he’s taken aback. “What do I even deserve from you? You shouldn’t have gotten me anything.”
“It’s nothing,” I say, reaching into my basket. I grab his jacket and hold it out. “Your jacket.”
He smiles pretty big when he sees it. “I left it on the bench, didn’t I?” he asks. I nod. “The night we met. That was nice.”
“It was,” I agree. “Until I took off running.”
“Yeah, well, it’s pretty funny to think back on, isn’t it?” he chuckles. “I probably would have run away too. We hardly knew each other then.”
“Yeah, but I guess we still don’t really know each other.”
“That’s sort of a good thing, probably,” he sighs. “I guess I’m kind of an ass. At least, that’s what I’m learning, anyway.”
“Come inside,” I say. “You look cold.”
I unlock my door and set the flowers down on the table. Inside, the heater is going and it’s nice and cozy. I light some candles to get some light going. I turn some of the lights on, the ones that are working, and meet him in the living room. “Thanks for coming,” I say.
“No problem. It’s what I do,” he says. “So, where are these lights? Let’s get this fixed for you.”
We totally ignore the problems between us. We choose to be practical adults instead. I show him the light problem and he goes to work. I imagine this is when all the housewives in the world bring him iced tea and sandwiches, before talking about how their husbands work way too much, leaving them lonely and vulnerable. Of course, here I am, an annoying young teacher who just really wants her lights fixed.
After about thirty minutes, he’s finished and the whole house is finally illuminated. “Good as new,” he says to me, while washing his hands in my bedroom’s bathroom. “You got a towel?” He holds out his hands, dripping wet onto the floor.
“Um,” I hesitate.
“No, it’s cool. He takes off his shirt and wipes his hands. I can’t help but look at his body, glistening from working so hard.
“Do you…” I stutter and gulp down hard. “Do you want some iced tea? Or a sandwich, or something?” I say, blushing.
God, I’m just like those housewives. Before I know it, we’re sitting in the kitchen like everything is okay again. Only, there’s a giant elephant in the room and no one wants to acknowledge it.
Addison
I can’t stop staring at her beautiful fucking face. Only problem is, I can’t stop thinking about how much I fucked things up. My temper got the best of me. I went swinging at that guy. I could have just apologized to her, but I lost my cool. The SEAL in me went full-on battle mode.
But I’m here. I’m in her house and she’s making me a sandwich. It can’t be that bad. Can it?
“I fucked up,” I finally say, as she spreads some mayo onto the bread. She stops making the sandwich and turns around. “I know I did. I think I need to come clean with you. I need to show you my real colors.”
“What are your real colors?” she asks, unsure whether to sit down or stand up. Finally, she takes a seat and waits for me to speak up. I don’t know what to say. This whole thing is so hard for me. How is she going to understand what I’ve been through?
I lay it all out. “I don’t want to be a soldier anymore,” I say. “I don’t want to be identified as that.”
“Why not? It’s honorable. You saved people’s lives. You did your duty,” she says.
“But that’s just it. I wish I could tell you about the things I’ve seen. What some of us did… it’s just too hard, sometimes,” I admit. “Some of it was honorable. Some of it was just not what I was expecting. It was anything but honorable.”
“What do you mean?” she asks. “Addison, what did you do?”
“It’s not what I did,” I say. “It’s what some of our men did in front of us.”
“Addison, I know it’s hard to tell me these things. But if you want to keep seeing me, you’re going to have to open up. You can’t just keep me in the dark forever,” she says. “I won’t judge you, b
ut I need to know. Who am I dealing with here?”
I feel my heart pounding, practically breaking my sternum. The adrenaline rushes in my body. The whole thing is akin to staring down a cliff. There’s that rush before you jump into the lake. You could lose it all. You could come out on top, with a new experience. The way she looks at me doesn’t let me know where I’ll end up, but I tell her anyway.
“Whole villages,” I say. “My men were given the wrong coordinates. We were tipped off and told the guys were hiding out in this place. So some of our men called it in. I watched as they firebombed the place. It was… God, it was fucked.”
There’s a long, but expected silence after I tell her this. Tears even fill up around my eyelids, but I don’t shed any. I don’t want to cry in front of her, a woman. I need to be strong.
“I was pretty close too. Me and Halloway, both,” I say, nodding and reliving the whole damn thing. “I mean, there were families living in that place. Poor fucking families who relied on their children and livestock. And now they’re all gone, all because some small-town idiots said the wrong numbers into a receiver. So yeah, the medals… They’re decorations. They don’t really mean much to me. I know the truth about war and it’s shit. I don’t care that it sometimes needs to be done. I don’t want to identify with it anymore.”
“Okay,” she says, taking a deep breath. “But you’re not going to hurt me, right? You’re not going to freak out and lose it on me?”
“Helena, I’m sorry for grabbing the plaque. I was embarrassed, scared, and to be honest, I was sad. I didn’t want you to know about that side of me. But, I promise. I’ll never hurt you. I couldn’t,” I tell her. It’s the God honest truth. She’s important to me now. She’s innocent. She’s beautiful. She’s what I want.
“Then I don’t care,” she says. “I just wanted you to be honest with me. I just wanted to know I was safe with you.”