by Shauna Allen
He dropped his chin to stare at me through hooded eyes. “Are you serious right now?”
“Yes!”
“We’re having a baby together.”
His rationality was making me even more panicky. “So?”
“So, I think that’s as good a starting point for knowing each other as any, don’t you?”
“Oh, my God.” How did he go from being so uncertain to suddenly making so much sense? “How is that even supposed to work? What are we then? Roommates who share a child?”
“There are worse things to be. Look . . .” He held out a hand, indicating he wanted me sit back down. I took a breath and sat next to him. He waited until I was settled to keep talking. “This is just as weird for me. Just as scary. But I’m willing to give it a try if you are. Sure, maybe it would be easier to let you walk away and go live with your aunt, but I have a feeling I would live to regret that for the rest of my life. Plus, I want to know my child. Every day. I want to see them grow up. I want to see every milestone that my dad missed. I want to teach them to ride a bike and drive a car, and if it’s a boy, how to be a man.” He took my hand. “I think I need to do those things. Please let me try.”
Something cracked in the vicinity of my heart. He was asking for the chance to be a father, which he had every right to. He wasn’t saying anything about a future with me. I’d dreamed that little fantasy up all by myself.
I tucked my dreams firmly away and steeled my spine. “Do you even have room for us?”
He seemed to sense a chance. His face lit like the sun. “Yes. Plenty of room. More than enough. I have a three-bedroom condo not too far from the café.”
My eyes widened. “Wow.”
He laughed. “I know. I rented it when I thought some of the guys might go in with me, but that didn’t work out, which works out for us, doesn’t it? Now, you and the baby can both have your own rooms.”
“Right.” I tried to smile, but I know it looked absolutely, one hundred percent forced. I’d never been a good actress.
His own smile fell. “Hey.” He moved my way and touched my hand. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing. It’s just a lot, is all.” I bit my lip and forced myself to look hopeful.
He frowned, obviously confused. Then his expression cleared. “You don’t think . . .? Carissa . . .” He bowed his head and cupped the back of his neck. “Hell. This is . . .” He faced me again, his navy eyes tormented. “Please know I don’t regret that night. No matter what happens, I will never regret it. You are, and always will be, the most beautiful woman I have ever seen, but I never want you to feel like I would pressure you into any kind of a relationship, sexual or otherwise, just because of the outcome of that night. Do you get what I’m saying?”
My heart was pounding so hard against my ribs I thought it might take flight. I couldn’t speak, so I simply nodded.
He twirled one of my curls around a finger. “I still want you, Carissa. One night, five months ago, was not even close to enough. But I’ll settle for having you near me.”
It wasn’t until later that night, as the flood of hormones and emotions finally ebbed from my body, that it dawned on me that he’d never asked me if I wanted him . . . he’d simply assumed that I didn’t. And that made me so incredibly sad.
Cody
Carissa would only agree to think about moving in together, no matter what I did to cajole, bribe, or sway her otherwise. I could tell something was on her mind, but I had no idea how to break through her defenses. But, after we reached a tentative peace about doctor’s visits and shelved any talk about child support, I stood to go when I could see she was getting tired.
“We can finish this later—” But my words were cut off by a cacophony of angry shouting and the wail of police sirens. Instinctively, I placed my body between her and the front windows as I scanned for threats. I peered through the blinds as the officers broke up an altercation in her parking lot, slamming a man to the ground and slapping cuffs on his wrists while a woman with a black eye sobbed nearby, a dirty-faced toddler clutching her skirt.
Carissa slid up next to me and looked outside. “Oh, Maria,” she whispered. “Not again.”
I glanced over. “This happen often?”
Her gaze was guilty when it slid up to mine. “A few times.”
I stepped back and crossed my arms over my chest. “What are Mr. Charming’s other hobbies besides beating up on innocent women?” Yeah, I’d seen the Mexican Mafia gang tattoos that littered his arms. It was a safe bet that his unsavory activities ran deeper than wife beating, though that made him the worst kind of shit-eating douche in my opinion.
She paced back to the couch and sat down. “I don’t really know them.”
“But you have an idea.”
“I . . .” Now she looked frightened. “Look, Cody, I’m not like you. I really don’t know about these things, and I don’t like to think the worst about people or stereotype just because they have tattoos or whatever.”
“Those aren’t just any tattoos, Carissa. He’s in the Mexican Mafia. That’s a dangerous gang. I’d be willing to bet you’ve seen some kind of gang activity around here. Drugs? Guns? Something?”
Her gaze flittered away, and her hand unconsciously moved to her belly. “I don’t know. Maybe.”
“Jesus.” I sunk down next to her with a heavy sigh. “Why are we even having to talk about you and the baby moving out of this place when I can take care of you both?”
Dark chocolate eyes slowly lifted to mine when I mentioned the baby.
We didn’t have to discuss her moving any more.
The next afternoon, both teams headed over to Wolf and Caroline’s place for a barbecue, so we could talk in a more informal setting with the women and kids around. We’d spent so much time on missions, the guys wanted to be with their families as much as possible, which wasn’t something I ever understood, though I was beginning to comprehend it as I contemplated the thought of becoming a father—as scary as that was.
I asked Carissa to come, but she refused, saying she needed to pack and that she was still uncomfortable being around everyone since news of the baby was still new with my friends. I was a bit uneasy leaving her alone in that apartment, but I figured she’d weathered it alone this long, another night or two would have to be okay. She didn’t even balk when I told her I’d cover whatever deposit she’d lose by breaking her lease.
I pulled into the driveway to find it already packed with the vehicles of both teams. I wasn’t late by any stretch, but I prided myself on always being early, and everything with Carissa had totally thrown my life off-kilter.
I made my way inside to find most of the guys in the kitchen nursing beers while the ladies sliced up food or wrangled children.
“Hey, Kid,” Wolf greeted me first, offering me a Budweiser.
I accepted it with a nod of thanks and took a swig.
“You’re late.” Maverick shoulder-checked me with a grin.
I feigned checking my watch. “I’m right on time.”
“Like I said. Late.”
I shook my head and took another sip of beer.
Bubba tipped his head in acknowledgment without interrupting his conversation with Mozart and Dude or jostling the sleeping infant against his chest. I lifted my chin in greeting and made my way around to say hello to everyone else. It was a bit chaotic with all the kids running around, but it felt like family.
I found Tito and Tex out back manning the grill while a couple stray kiddos squealed and zipped around in the grass under Tex’s watchful eye.
“Hey, brother.” Tito eyed me carefully. “All good?”
I nodded. “All good.” I glanced at Tex, wondering what, if anything, he knew about me and Carissa. It wasn’t a secret, and I wasn’t ashamed. Fuck it. No reason to hide. I sipped my beer, faced the grill, and laid it out there. “I talked to Carissa. We’re figuring this thing out.” I glanced over to my team leader, who I respected more than just about anybody in this wo
rld. “I’ve asked her to move in with me so I can take care of her and the baby.”
His eyes widened in shock. “You did?”
“I did. Insisted really. Her apartment complex is a fucking dump. They’re not safe there.”
Tex began flipping burgers as if this were another everyday conversation.
Tito just grinned. “Well, damn, man. Good for you.” He glanced around. “You bring her today?”
“I tried. She wouldn’t come.”
“Well, I hope you explained to her that she’s family now,” he said, his voice firm. “To all of us. And we take care of our own.”
“I . . . I guess I didn’t quite spelled it out like that.” I squeezed the beer in my hand, overwhelmed. I felt that way about my brothers and their families, but I guess I hadn’t let myself accept the same love in return. “But I will.”
“You do that.”
I nodded, thankful when Wolf and the rest of Tex’s team meandered over, probably at the smell of cooked meat.
“So, did you fill them in on the latest?” Wolf asked, looking at Tex as he took over taking the food off the grill.
“No, not yet.”
Tito’s sharp gaze cut between them. “The latest? What’s up?”
Abe stood at attention then leaned back and used his pinkies to whistle so loud, I’m sure the dogs two blocks over heard. It only took a few seconds for the rest of the guys to trickle out to the yard.
“What’s going on?” Red asked.
“Yeah? What’s with the racket?” Lucky demanded.
“Tex has an update,” Tito said.
“It’s a quick one,” Tex clarified. “I know we’re ready to eat.” He shuffled to sit and face the group. “She finally logged in to the chat room I created.”
No point in clarifying who she was.
“She did?”
“She found it?”
“Did she figure out the cipher?”
Everyone seemed to talk at once.
Tex held up a hand with a grin. “Yes. Brianne is a smart girl. She found it relatively easily. She logged in and figured out the cipher. It only happened this morning, so we haven’t had much time to chat, but we’ve exchanged a few messages. Enough to know she’s scared and she still wants our help.”
“Where is she?”
“We haven’t gotten that far yet. She actually seems mostly concerned with Grace’s well-being.” He glanced at Lucky. “She was relieved when I told her that her best friend was safe and sound with us.”
“Damn straight,” Lucky said.
“Well, it’s a start,” Bubba stated.
“Roger that,” Benny added, sounding relieved. “Maybe now we can get a lead on intel to run down Shadeek.”
Tex leaned over, his elbows to his thighs. “We’re going to need to ASAP.”
“Why?” Tito asked.
“Well, we didn’t have much time to chat, and she said she didn’t have any details to share yet, but she did manage to let me know that the cartel is arming Shadeek as we speak for another embassy bombing.”
We ate our food, drank some beer, and tried to bullshit our way through a fun afternoon with the families. Tex did try to sneak away and log in again, but it was radio silence from Brianne, so we carried on outside with flag football for the big people and a couple kiddie pools for the little people while the tiniest ones went inside to lie down.
The teams claim no rivalry, but it was clearly bullshit was we faced off for football, Recon versus SEALs, with Tex as the referee.
“Alright, boys,” he said, his eyes darting between Wolf and Tito, our team leaders. “Keep it clean. No hitting below the belt. Remember there are women and children present.”
Tito just rolled his eyes.
Wolf looked seriously ready to hit something. The competitive streak was fierce in that one.
Oh, hell, who was I kidding . . . it was fierce in all of us. That was why we were warriors.
We kicked off our game to the shrill cry of a kid in the pool as Bubba threw a long pass to Maverick, but Dude tackled him before he could score. And so went the game, all of us defensive beasts. I finally managed to score, slipping past Abe, but only because he was distracted by one of his kids.
We were sweaty and panting when we called it a tie at halftime and spread out for water.
I moved to the far end of the patio and texted Carissa. Hey. You OK?
Carissa: I’m fine. Why wouldn’t I be?
I didn’t bother mentioning Mr. Mexican Mafia, the wife-beating shithead. Just checking on you. How’s the packing going?
Carissa: Loads of fun. : )
I also valiantly didn’t mention that she should have come with me today. I’ll come help you as soon as I’m done here. Don’t overdo it. : (
Carissa: No need. I’m almost finished. I don’t have much.
Me: I’m still coming over.
Carissa: Bossy.
Me: You have no idea.
She kindly didn’t argue so I tucked my phone away and chugged the rest of my water bottle, watching as Benny got right into the kiddie pool, clothes and all, with his kids. His wife, Jessyka, watched with a silly grin on her face and love in her eyes. For a fleeting moment, I wondered if Carissa and I could ever have something so simple and sweet, given how our family was starting.
Benny splashed his son playfully then pulled one daughter to each side of his lap, not caring that he was sopping wet and sitting in a rinky-dink plastic child’s pool.
A foreign feeling stole through my chest, sticky and thick like molasses, but tingling with an emotion I’d never experienced before. My eyes burned with it. My heart thundered with it.
That.
I wanted that.
I’d never received anything like that as a child. Not from my mom—though she did the best she could, and I loved her for it—and definitely not from my father. Could I do the job? Was I qualified?
Benny glanced up and caught my stare. Something in his expression shifted. He leaned down and whispered something into his daughter’s ear, making her giggle. He shifted both girls off his lap, ruffled his boy’s hair, then stepped from the pool and grabbed a towel. As he dried off, he said something to Jessyka, kissed her cheek, then ambled my way like he had all the time in the world.
He sat next to me and grabbed up a bottle of water. “What’s up, brother?”
“Not much.”
He nodded, his eyes still on his family as they continued to play. “Everything okay?”
“Yup.” I gave him a sideways glance, wondering just what he saw on my face that made him come over here. “It’s good. You can go back to your family, man.”
He ignored that. “You got a family, Kid?”
“I . . . well . . .” I looked down at my empty water bottle, suddenly not sure how to answer that and not sure how that made me feel. My shit with my parents was personal and sticky, and I was pretty sure not what Benny was getting at. Was Carissa my family now?
Benny bit back a smile. “You got a girl or not, Kid? It’s not a tough question.”
Actually, it kind of was, but fuck it. We hadn’t finished settling our shit, but the way I saw it, she had my baby in her belly. If that didn’t entitle me to lay some kind of claim to her, then what the fuck did? I glanced up. “Yeah. Carissa—the waitress at Maverick’s.”
His brows rose as he placed her. “Yeah?”
“Yeah. And we’re having a kid.”
“No shit?”
“No shit.”
“Damn, bro, you move fast.”
I laughed. “You might say that.”
“You put a ring on it?”
I nearly choked. “We haven’t gotten quite that far. But she’s packing her stuff to move into my place.”
“Well . . .” He offered his hand. “Congrats, man. That’s awesome. Kids are amazing.”
“Thanks, Benny.”
His smile grew as we shook. “I’m serious, Kid. I love my brotherhood and the team, but having children
. . . there’s nothing like it.” His eyes darted to Jessyka and back, and he dropped his voice. “I want more kids, actually. I’m trying to talk her into adopting one or two more.”
It was my turn to look shocked. “Seriously?”
“Seriously. We’ll see. She hasn’t made up her mind yet.”
I think my jaw hit the ground.
He belted out a laugh and clapped a hand to my shoulder. “Just you wait and see, my friend. You are going to love being a father. There is nothing like it in the world.”
I wanted to believe him really badly. And, as his son made his way over and he scooped him up like it was nothing and threw him on his shoulders, I almost did.
Carissa
Cody showed up that evening, his face soft and relaxed, something about him clearly different.
I let him inside and quickly closed the door, not daring to tell him that the police had already been there again that day, raiding Maria’s apartment. “Did you have fun today?” I asked him instead.
His eyes met mine after roaming over the small stack of boxes in my living room. “I did. You should’ve come. You would’ve had fun, too.”
“Yeah, well, I had to pack, and I don’t have many days off, so . . .” I smiled at him, clearly reminding him of his impatience. He was the one pushing me to move in with him ASAP.
He didn’t say anything as he strolled into the kitchen. He opened a cabinet, found it empty, opened another. “Wow. You work fast.”
“I told you. I don’t have much.”
His eyes caught mine. Was that pity?
That needed to stop now. I may not have much, but I worked hard for what I did have. “Cody—”
“You did good, Carissa, but I told you I would help. Should you even be doing all of this in your condition?”
“In my condition?” I echoed with my brow raised. “What century is this?”
He barked out a laugh. “Hell, I don’t know anything about all this pregnancy stuff.” He turned serious as he leaned against the counter and tucked his hands into his pockets. “I just want to take care of you. Of you both. Is that so wrong?”