Billy was very sweet through it all. He talked to his professors and was able to get a few days off from class. He took charge of the situation, making funeral arrangements, contacting relatives, taking care of Daddy’s life insurance and financial arrangements for Mama.
Mama went to pieces. She wouldn’t even leave her room or see anybody. I tried to bring Will to see her, but she sent us away. She said she didn’t want him to see Gigi in a state. Those were her exact words.
I called Lexy as soon as I could think straight. If anybody could comfort me, it was her, and she’d want to know. I didn’t know if she could get out of classes since he wasn’t her daddy, but I hoped she could at least make it for the funeral.
She’s such a good friend. She said she’d be here right away.
I’ve just been wandering around the cottage holding Will and crying. He’s almost a year old now, and he doesn’t like being held as much. But he can tell something’s going on. He’s very quiet and lets me hold him anyway.
Every now and then he’ll say “Pawpaw?” in his little baby voice. I think he knows we’re talking about Daddy, but how can he understand his old friend is gone? That he won’t be making the occasional rounds with Dr. Weaver, visiting elderly patients and making them smile. I just hug him close and tell him Pawpaw’s up in heaven.
My sweet little son. I know Daddy would want us to focus on Will and the future and not get bogged down in all of this, but it’s hard not to cry every time I think of him. He was so proud of his little grandson. By the time the family gets here, I’ll be ready to put on a brave face, but for now I’ll just hold my little boy and cry.
Oct. 15, 19--
Mama really fell apart after Daddy died. She seemed to lose interest in everything, and I couldn’t find a way to help her. I’d take Will over for visits, and she wouldn’t even get out of bed. We’d sit with her and talk, but she would just start crying. I didn’t know what to do. When Mrs. Claudine Edwards called, it was like a miracle.
Mrs. Claudine lives in Arizona, and she and Mama were friends growing up. Sort of like Lexy and me. She asked me to send Mama out for an extended visit, and as much as I hated losing my favorite company and best babysitter, I knew it was for the best.
“I can’t leave you with the baby like this,” Mama protested. “You don’t have anyone to spend your days with.”
“Well, don’t talk me out of it!” I tried to joke. “I was already having a hard time deciding if I wanted to send you in the first place.”
“That settles it, then. I’m not going.” Her lined face looked ten years older than yesterday.
“You can’t stay here,” I said. “It’s too painful for you, and I think if you got out of this house, you might start finding your way again.”
“Meg,” she breathed, her forehead relaxing slightly. “I’ve done my best to protect you, and listen how wise you are. But if I leave, you’ll be all alone. Then what?”
“So I might be alone some,” I shrugged. “I just won’t focus on it. If my life gets too dreary, I’ll go shopping.” I smiled. “What in the world do I have to complain about?”
She nodded. “You have a good attitude, but I’m afraid it makes people think you aren’t very deep.”
My shoulders felt tight with irritation. “What does that even mean? Deep? I’ve seen more deep people ripped to shreds than I can count. I’m glad I’m not ambitious or over-achieving. Somebody’s got to live their life.”
“I know your daddy was always at that office working and forcing life to happen. He was an over-achiever, too.”
“Like Billy. Except I don’t think Daddy ever really liked Billy,” I said.
“Bill is like your father in a lot of ways, but he’s different from him, too.” Mama held my hand. “I don’t think Bill’s really sorted out what he wants yet. He only seems to know what he doesn’t want.”
“To be a horse rancher? Or to be inconsequential?” I pushed a strand of hair behind my ear. “He’d say he just doesn’t like the heat and humidity.”
“What about you? I’ve been concerned for some time that you might be the one feeling inconsequential.”
“Are you kidding? Somebody’s got to provide him with moral support. Him and Lexy, too, for that matter.” I squeezed her hand. “They like to act so courageous and ready to take on the world, but the truth is they second-guess everything they do.”
“So if I’m in Sedona, what will you do?” She studied my face.
“Shop, get my nails done, dress up the baby. I have an image to maintain after all.”
“And once you’re completely perfect, then what will you do?”
My shoulders dropped with my sigh. “I don’t know. I’ve been thinking about that for a while now, and I can’t seem to come up with anything to get all fired up about. Other than my family. I really want to have another baby soon.”
“I can’t see that husband of yours being ready for that. He wasn’t particularly ready for baby number one.”
“I know, but it’s not like he’s had to do anything.” My brow creased. “I’ve taken care of little Will, and Billy’s been able to pursue his dreams as much as he wants.”
Mama’s lips tightened with concern, and I studied her white hair, smooth and beautiful. “That’s what worries me,” she said.
“I think you’re just in a worrying sort of mood right now.” I smiled, hoping to put her mind at ease. “Get out to the sunshine and dry air. It’ll improve your health.”
“I want to hear from you regularly, and I intend to make frequent return trips home.”
“You’d better!”
“And if my only child has any needs, she’d better let me know.”
“I’m not in the habit of not asking for what I want,” I teased.
So Mama left for Sedona, and it only took one visit for her to realize she wanted to stay there. After a few return trips, she started talking about selling the old home and making Arizona her permanent residence, but I convinced her to wait. I have an idea of my own for filling the old family place. At least until my house on Hammond Island is built.
Nov. 1, 19--
With Mama out of town, I took the opportunity to go through her old things, boxes and pictures, to see if there was anything I could help her sort and save. She’d had such a hard time losing Daddy, I wasn’t sure this part would be easy for her.
I started in the upstairs study. This old house had more rooms than a family of three ever needed, but it always felt homey to me. It was located right in downtown Fairview, surrounded by roses and a black wrought-iron fence, and it practically shouted that we were important members of the community.
Looking through the old pictures, I giggled at how old-fashioned my parents were. Since Daddy was a surgeon, they’d had me very late in life, at least by the standards of their day. If Mama hadn’t been so adamant about having children, they might not’ve had me at all. She was past forty when I was born, pre-menopausal and considered high-risk for a pregnancy. All her other friends had children who were in middle school by the time I came along, so I didn’t have a lot of childhood friends. But I was beautiful.
In some of the old photographs of me I looked like an antique doll with my white hair tied in a huge bow and my solemn little face. I wasn’t a loud or active child, but I don’t remember being unhappy. With older parents, I learned quickly to be seen and not heard. Daddy in particular didn’t like a lot of racket when he got home in the evenings or early mornings.
I kept finding pictures and old documents, and every time I saw my little face, I remembered how lonely I was back then. Not sad, but seriously in need of a playmate. Mama had her social obligations, and I was expected to keep quiet and look pretty for all of them. I found one picture of me, and my long blonde hair was conspicuously short. It was cute in a little pixie style that I don’t think I ever wore again after it grew out.
The cut was the result of an unfortunate incident involving a piece of bubble gum. A kindly old man gave it to me at the
bank, and I’d hidden it. I knew Mama would never let me have it for fear of cavities, so I sneaked it at nap time and then fell asleep with it in my mouth. It turned into the biggest rat’s nest in my hair. Mama screamed and called Daddy to come home at once. He, of course, thought something more serious had happened and was angry at both of us when he arrived.
I remembered he said he would have to amputate, and I burst into tears. I had learned that word in the movies, and I didn’t know what he was going to cut off. My hands for taking the gum? My head for chewing it? It was only my hair.
I thought I was the ugliest little girl after that haircut. I thought I looked like a little boy. As I examined the picture now, I saw that I was actually kind of cute. Classic Mia Farrow, and Daddy had been my very own Vidal Sassoon.
I hadn’t realized I had tears in my eyes until Billy slipped in and found me.
“Hey, what are you doing up here?” he said softly. “I was looking for you everywhere.”
I laughed and brushed away the tears. “I was looking at these old pictures. I thought I could help Mama by sorting through all this stuff.”
“You’re crying.” He took the picture from my hand and looked at it. “What’s this? You?”
“I think I was five in that picture,” I said. “I’d fallen asleep with gum, and Daddy had to cut all my hair off. I was remembering how ugly I thought it made me look.”
“I think it’s cute.” He studied the picture and then his blue eyes met mine with a smile.
“Me too.” I smiled as he picked up another picture.
“Your parents were old when they had you,” he said.
“Early forties.”
“What was that like?”
“Lonely,” I sighed, flipping through the box. “But they got me anything I wanted. Daddy was well-established when I came along.”
“And you weren’t lonely for long.” He reached over and touched my hand. “I know you and Lexy met in kindergarten, right?”
“Well, that was at school. But she was all the way out on Port Hogan Road,” I said. “I remember sitting in that room and looking out that window at the big kids running around and riding their bikes. Mama never let me go out alone.”
Billy chuckled. “I guess that’s one good thing about living in the country. There’s nobody around to bother you.”
“You guys were practically outsiders.”
“We weren’t really far enough south to qualify for that title,” he sighed. “We didn’t fall into any group, I guess.”
“Still, it was just you and your daddy.” I studied his perfect face. “I guess you know what it’s like to be lonely.”
“I don’t remember being lonely. Dad took me everywhere he went. But I remember being scared sometimes.” He rubbed his neck, causing the pale blue polo to go tight across his chest. “He’d start drinking and missing Mom.”
“Was he violent?”
“Nah,” Billy shook his head. “He’d just sit and listen to old country songs til he passed out. But I was so little, I didn’t know if he would die or if I should try to move him or what. I’d usually just go to bed and pray.”
“Billy!” I whispered. “That’s so sad! You never told me this.”
“Well, it wasn’t much of a memory to share,” he shrugged. “He didn’t do it every night, and I loved him. When I got older, I’d usually take off when he’d start drinking. Take one of the horses or something.”
We were quiet a while looking at the old photos. Billy never talked much about his childhood, and somehow it made me feel closer to him now, like he trusted me more.
“Don’t do this,” he said. “Let your Mom take care of all this stuff next time she’s in town.”
“Okay.” I helped him collect the old documents and put them back in the cardboard box, and we walked back downstairs where Will was napping.
Even with Billy gone as much as ever, part of being married is being together when everyone leaves. That’s when the events that tie you together happen. We might still be building our relationship, but I’m encouraged that we’re learning more about each other. Mama’s wrong. Billy and I are going to be fine.
Jan. 15, 19--
Lexy’s home!
Oops. I’m supposed to say Alex now.
Yes. My best friend moves back from Atlanta and announces she’s going by a different name. Seems everyone at art school called her Alex, and now she thinks it sounds more professional. I told her it’s a big mistake. Lexy’s got flair, and it rhymes with sexy. And if there’s one thing I know, sex sells.
She actually laughed when I said that. And she gave me the okay to slip up every now and then. More like all the time. I’ll never get used to calling her Alex. It sounds too… masculine or something.
I don’t care, I’ll be glad to call her Hortense if that’s what she wants. I’m just so happy she’s home. It’s been ages since I’ve written anything. Sorry, Journal.
Since Daddy died and Mama moved to Sedona, Billy’s been working practically around the clock hoping to finish school by May. I tried throwing myself into motherhood, but there’s only so much conversation you can have with a fourteen-month-old.
I tried volunteering at the hospital, but it was so sad being there with Daddy gone. It made me even more miserable. I tried attending a few DAR functions, but the ladies weren’t so thrilled about having a toddler knocking over all their pretty table arrangements, and I guess they were more Mama’s friends than mine. So I’d taken to hanging around the house or going to the little park most days.
I’d been so lonely these last few months, when Billy said Lexy Alex had agreed to come back and help with the design of the Phoenicians, I actually screamed. He said she was going to take over all the interior design work, and he must’ve promised her something major to get her to leave art school, although she’d already left Savannah to do a semester internship at some big advertising firm in Atlanta. All because of that stupid Professor Nick. I needed to get the rest of that story.
“I can’t believe Billy convinced you to come back,” I said when we were finally together.
“You know your husband and his big plans,” she said, hugging me.
“But you had your own plans.” I squeezed her arms before stepping back. “All you could talk about was getting to Savannah and then on to Atlanta.”
She shrugged. “I guess I realized my plans weren’t making me happy. I was just another cog in the wheel.”
“That professor really did a number on you, didn’t he.” I chewed my lip as I studied her eyes, hoping she’d tell me more.
“Breaking up with Nick was rough. But it was more than that. Really.” She smiled. “All that time in Atlanta with Suzanne, I never felt right. I was always the fish out of water.”
“Suzanne your roommate? I thought you guys got along so well!”
“We do. Of course, we do! But I’m just… different.” She shook her dark hair and played with a button on her charcoal blazer. “Those guys would be all talking about deals and moving in for the kill, and I’d be trying to work out how I could get down to the beach,” she sighed. “When Billy showed up and made his big pitch for me to come back… It was such a relief to see someone from home.”
“He is always nice to look at.” I grinned.
“Oh, you.” She rolled her eyes. “That’s not what I meant. It was like I could finally relax and be myself again. Joking around and talking to him just put me at ease for the first time in a while, and when he offered me the job, it just felt right somehow.”
My lips poked out as I considered what she meant. “I guess I understand that. He’s like home, a safe place. And here I thought you and Billy would never get along.”
“Funny you should say that. I was thinking the same thing,” she said. “But I came back just as much for you as for your husband. Maybe more so.”
“For me?” I frowned.
“You and this place and Miss Stella. I missed my home. All of it. The colors and the flowers
. It’s so beautiful here. This is what inspires my art. Not the cold concrete and the drone of the city.”
I nodded, thinking about that. “When you left you said you hated this place and if you didn’t get out of here you’d go crazy.”
“I know,” she said, closing her eyes. “And you said I’d learn that being around people who loved me was a good thing.”
“You weren’t gone very long.” I wanted to be sure she was sure of her decision. “You might’ve found people out there who loved you. And Atlanta’s not all concrete and drone. It has colors and trees.”
“And cars. Oh, God.” She pushed her fingers into her hair. “The traffic in Atlanta is a nightmare.”
“So you came back to get out of the traffic?”
“No. I just… time passes and people change. You know that.”
I nodded.
“And aren’t you glad I’m back?” She asked. “I thought we were supposed to be some great team. This is a terrible reception I’m getting here. Instead of happiness, it sounds like you’re trying to send me packing again.”
“No!” I cried. “I’m sorry. I am glad you’re back. Since Mama moved to Sedona, it’s been just me and little Will, and you know how much Billy hates Winnie Hayes.”
“Oh, God.” Her dark eyes rolled. “Those people are the worst.”
“Winnie’s actually nice. Her husband I think is the bad seed in that relationship.”
“She doesn’t protest too loudly. In fact, it seems like she’s right there giving him ideas half the time.”
“Maybe you’re right,” I said, hooking my arm in hers. “But it doesn’t matter now! You’re back, and we’re going to pick up right where we left off.”
“Well, with one slight modification. Unlike last time, Bill is going to expect me to report to work every now and then.”
“Just leave Billy to me.”
Sept. 10, 19--
I dug out my journal for the first time in… I can’t believe it. Almost four years have passed since that last entry! There’s no way I can go back and fill in all that’s happened, so we’ll just have to start with where we are now.
Undertow (Dragonfly) Page 5