‘Tom, I didn’t reach this decision lightly, and I’m sure you’ll agree with me when you’ve had time to think about it.’ Her eyes met his pleadingly, willing him to understand, as she added softly, ‘I’ll always think of you with affection, but that’s not enough, is it?’
‘No, I suppose not,’ he answered quickly, not meeting her eyes. But he raised his head, as if forcing himself to look at her. ‘I do understand,’ he said gruffly, then seemed about to say something else but obviously changed his mind, and his shoulders, which had been up round his ears, suddenly relaxed. He looked, she thought bemusedly, like a man who’d just had a weight taken from his mind.
Which wasn’t as crazy as it seemed, she told herself as she drove back to the Old Rectory. He hadn’t stormed and blustered, heaped recriminations on her head, because he was a decent sort. And he too could have been having grave doubts about their future together, perhaps wondering if their tame relationship and her unexpected outbreak of independence were things he could live with.
But Tom, being thoroughly honourable, wouldn’t have been the one to make the first move.
So it was over, she realised at last, and without the scenes she had so dreaded. All she had to do now was convince her parents the break was for the best, and get on with the rest of her life.
But would the rest of her life include Luca?
She couldn’t bear to think it wouldn’t. She couldn’t bear it and so she wouldn’t think it! Besides, despite his silence over the last few days, the unfeeling way he’d looked at her this morning, he couldn’t have cut her out of his life. He couldn’t. She wouldn’t let herself believe it.
He’d been so open, so honest. He had never promised something he couldn’t deliver.
And if he’d been annoyed with her, well, it was only to be expected, wasn’t it? He was unused to the experience of not getting everything he wanted, when he wanted it.
Now that she’d talked herself into a more positive frame of mind, her heart was considerably lighter when she hurried into the house.
Luca’s car was still there on the drive, and she would soon be able to tell him she was now free, her own woman, happy to move in with him, dedicate her future to making him fall in love with her, truly in love, making their relationship permanent, lasting as long as they both should live. The love affair of a lifetime she so desperately craved.
Only she wouldn’t tell him that last bit, of course, just work on it!
The house was silent, filled with the scent of the early summer flowers her mother picked from the garden. She went straight through to the sitting room, looking for Luca, and found him pacing the floor.
He turned sharply as she entered, his features tight and austere. He seemed, she thought, her breath catching in her throat, as if he was under enormous pressure, savagely reining back dark emotions.
Her bright confidence drained right out of her, the words she’d planned dying away. He looked so forbidding, so far away. Already lost to her? She wouldn’t know unless she asked.
‘Where’s Helen?’ she asked inanely. She didn’t want to know where her sister was and could have kicked herself for her wimpy cowardice.
‘Making coffee.’ His voice was flat; he sounded almost exhausted. Bess bit down on her lower lip. What was wrong here? Wasn’t he at all interested to know how her meeting with Tom had gone? Why had he changed so dramatically?
She wanted to melt into the wallpaper, hide herself away, but she remembered the sheer exuberance with which Helen had flung herself into his arms and decided firmly that she was never going to melt into the background again.
What Helen could do, she could do!
Bravely, she took the necessary paces to close the distance between them, lifting her face to his as she wound her arms around his neck, pulling his head down.
For a few hateful, hope-killing moments his lips were icy beneath hers, but she shuddered with a relief that was almost uncontainable as she heard him give a deep, unsteady breath before his arms came around her, pulling her body into his, kissing her deeply, almost desperately, as if this were the last he would have of her.
Everything was all right! He couldn’t kiss her with such devouring urgency if he didn’t still want her, she thought dizzily, clinging to him, only surfacing from the ecstatic turbulence as the rattle of china warned her of Helen’s presence.
And Luca heard it too, must have done, because his body went very still, his head lifting, his arms dropping away from her in slow motion.
‘Luke, darling—Daddy’s just got home.’ Her voice was hectically bright, even by Helen’s standards. ‘He’s gone through to the study to pour drinks. Could you go, darling?’ She put the tray of coffee things down on a side table, and pushed a swathe of golden hair back from her flushed face. ‘You can explain that clause in the contract to him. I can’t make head nor tail of it!’
She sounded as if she couldn’t wait for him to go, and after a tight, impatient nod of his dark head Luca stalked out of the room, and Bess knew—she just knew—that her sister couldn’t have failed to witness that passionate embrace because her face was ashy-pale now as she slowly turned on her heels to face her.
‘You saw Tom? Spoke to him?’ Her voice was low, breathlessly awkward. ‘Are you all right?’
So she’d guessed what had been happening, Bess thought sombrely. After walking in, witnessing that kiss, she’d rapidly put two and two together, realising that she and Luca were far more than comparative strangers. At least it made her explanation easier.
‘I gave him his ring back,’ she answered edgily.
‘But then you already know that, don’t you?’
‘I—’ Helen’s face went scarlet. She turned quickly, her back to Bess as she poured coffee. And her voice was oddly muffled as she commiserated, ‘Darling—I honestly don’t know what to say. Look, if it’s any consolation, you’ll find someone else. The way you’re looking these days you won’t find it a problem.’
She turned with an offering of coffee but her hand was shaking so badly that she put it hurriedly back on the tray. And Bess stared at her, confused.
No one, walking in just now, could have mistaken that embrace for anything other than what it was: a passionate, savagely hungry kiss between two lovers. So Helen had to know that she’d already found someone else.
And it was Tom she should be sympathising with, wasn’t it? Someone, somewhere, had got their wires crossed. But then Helen had never liked Tom. Sometimes Bess had thought they violently hated each other. So her sister was probably delighted that she wouldn’t have to put up with him as her brother-in-law.
As her thoughts whirled round and round inside her head she got more confused by the second, and Helen’s anxious face didn’t help any. But when the other woman said earnestly, ‘My pregnancy wasn’t planned, darling, I promise you. I didn’t do it deliberately to take him away from you,’ everything became horribly clear.
Bess felt for the arm of the chair she was standing near and sank down heavily, all the strength in her legs draining away. She stared blankly at her sister’s anxious face, unable to avoid the killing truth.
Because of what she’d seen, Helen had guessed that she’d come here today to break off her engagement; that Luca was very definitely in the picture. ‘You’ll find someone else,’ she’d promised. Warned? She might just as well have said, You don’t want stodgy old Tom and I can’t blame you. But you can’t have Luke. He’s mine. I’m carrying his child.
Amazingly, Helen looked more placid now, kneeling in front of her, taking her icy hands in her own. Her voice was soft as she murmured, ‘He always wanted children at some stage—to carry on the family business. Well, you must have been aware of that, discussed it. Knowing him, it would have been one of the first things he warned you of.’
Oh, sure they’d discussed it, Bess thought on a wave of sickening bitterness. Sure he’d warned her that if and when he remarried it would be to get an heir to carry on after him in the complica
ted Vaccari financial empire. And Helen rammed it home as she increased the pressure of her hands.
‘It just happened a damn sight sooner than he expected, that’s all. We hadn’t meant—
‘Anyway...’ she sucked in a breath, unable now to disguise her triumphant radiance ‘...if it means anything to you, which I don’t suppose it does right now, I do love him, quite madly. I’ll make him the perfect wife, I promise.’
As if that made everything all right, Bess thought wretchedly. As if that would take away the pain that was like a rusty knife hacking cruelly at her heart.
She withdrew her hands from Helen’s, wrapping her arms around her shaking body.
It was all hatefully clear. Luca had had an affair with Helen. That was fact. He hadn’t intended to get her pregnant. That was unfortunate.
But he’d had to go through the bitter experience of knowing that a child of his had been aborted. He wouldn’t allow that to happen again.
Had Helen written to him, telling him the news? She’d stated that she hadn’t been able to reach him by phone. Had he received the letter immediately after he’d asked her, Bess, to have an affair with him? It seemed to make sense. It would account for his deep silence over the past few days, the way he’d distanced himself from her, Helen’s ecstatic welcome.
They’d had time to discuss future plans, wedding plans, while she’d been with Tom. Luca had told her he’d had no intention of marrying Helen, and the clearing up of the misunderstanding had opened the way for her to be with him. But he was going to have to marry Helen now.
And hadn’t she seen the emotional pressure he’d been under when she’d walked in and found him pacing the room?
The way he’d responded when she’d virtually forced him to kiss her had told her he still wanted her sexually. But Helen was carrying his child and he wouldn’t desert her.
Willing some strength back into her body, she got shakily to her feet and walked blindly to the door, and Helen blurted out anxiously, ‘Where are you going?’
She wanted to say, Don’t worry, I’m not going to find him and make a terrible scene. But she couldn’t rake up the energy.
‘Home,’ she answered drainingly.
‘Oh—I don’t think—’ Helen was twisting her hands together. This was the first time, Bess thought wryly, that her sister had ever shown any concern for her well-being. ‘I know it’s come as a terrible shock. But you and Luke—’
‘No!’ Bess cut her off savagely. She was not going to discuss her relationship with Luca. Hadn’t Helen, as always, got her own way? Jumped right in and taken just what she wanted?
Walking quickly out of the house, she realised that she absolutely must stop thinking of him as Luca.
On a wave of triumph that was completely hollow and desperately short-lived, she reflected that he’d obviously never asked Helen to use his birth name.
But that signified absolutely nothing at all. Not in the end.
CHAPTER TWELVE
IT WAS late when Luke pushed his way past her into Niccy’s apartment.
Thankful that her friend was out partying, according to the note that had been left propped on the kitchen table, Bess would nevertheless have given anything to avoid this final confrontation.
She would have thought that he’d have accepted her discreet departure from his life and been thankful. She hadn’t bargained on seeing him again—certainly not so soon, anyway. She wouldn’t be attending the wedding, and didn’t think she’d be able to face the christening either.
Had he come to chew everything over? Had he really got that much nerve? Or had he come to apologise, perhaps, express his regret for the way things had turned out? Didn’t he realise if would only make her feel a thousand times worse?
‘Where the hell have you been?’ he demanded harshly, his eyes raking over her. ‘I’ve been phoning this place every half-hour since I got back. I eventually got your flatmate, who said she hadn’t seen you. I gave up in the end and came round to camp on the doorstep if necessary.’
‘Here and there,’ she answered thinly, praying to heaven that he wouldn’t try to touch her. It would finish her if he did—her control was desperately precarious.
She’d spent hours driving around, aimlessly, trying not to think, until she’d found a park to sit in, and had forced herself to face her future, make plans for her own preservation.
She wouldn’t let him mess up her life again. And the way he was looking at her now, with rawly savage need, made her deeply, suspiciously wary.
‘I was worried about you,’ he said, explaining the flash of anger. ‘When you simply disappeared I realised that you probably needed a little time on your own to come to terms with Helen’s news. It will have come as a shock, but it doesn’t change anything between us, of course. However, I did understand. But as the hours dragged by and I couldn’t contact you I began to imagine the worst.’ His mouth curved in a wry, self-mocking smile. ‘I even contacted the police and the hospitals to find out if you’d been in a traffic accident.’
Had he really been that worried? Did he truly care about her? A shudder of weakness dragged through her and she lowered her eyes, not looking at him, armouring herself.
Was he really about to tell her that Helen’s pregnancy had been a mistake? Well, they all knew that, didn’t they? Was he really going to say that it was a mistake he couldn’t ignore, that he could only put right by marrying her sister, giving his child his name and protection, but that he still wanted her, Bess?
Would he offer to set her up in an apartment of her own, visiting her discreetly when time allowed?
After all, as far as he was concerned, little had changed, just as he had stated. He had made it plain that he wouldn’t marry her, envisaging his remarriage as a possibility for the future, the sole object being to secure an heir. The getting of an heir had happened sooner than he’d planned. But nothing else had changed.
The thought appalled her. She watched his eyes change to pools of deepest silver and her breath shuddered in her lungs. Dear God, how easily he had made her love him. She had been swamped by him, overwhelmed, dragged deep into the mystery of his male perfection, his careless domination of her senses.
‘You told Tom you couldn’t marry him?’ His voice had gentled alarmingly. Bess knew she had to be very, very careful. He must never know how easily he could make her betray every last one of her principles, behave in a way that would make her deeply ashamed of herself for the rest of her life,
She dug for the same thin voice and employed it. ‘Why ask? I’m sure you know I have.’
‘Cara?’ He lifted an eyebrow in query. Her attitude was confusing him and she could understand that—after the embrace she had practically forced on him earlier.
She had to make him go away before she lost all her self-respect and agreed to anything and everything he wanted.
And telling him that she refused to be her brother-in-law’s mistress wouldn’t cut any ice. It would only make him work harder to prove that she could, that his marriage would be one of expediency, that she, Bess, was the woman he really wanted.
Wanted for now, added a cynical voice inside her head. It helped. She ignored the hands he was holding out to her and gave him back a stony look.
‘Can’t you take a hint? Do I really have to spell it out?’
He sighed, his sensual mouth softening as he invited with all the temptation of the devil himself, ‘You’re so upset, so talk it through. I can understand how you feel. It can’t have been easy, hearing the details of Helen’s pregnancy. But we can talk it out, together. Together, we can do anything, carissima.’
She walked to the door, and how she ever got herself there she would never know. Her legs were jerky, her whole body rigid with outrage. What a louse! He was trying to tell her that Helen’s baby was a blip they could conveniently ignore, something he could sweet-talk her into disregarding!
A terrible pain bit through her anger and she hoped to heaven that he wouldn’t detect it
in her voice. She snatched at the handle and flung the door wide.
‘That’s just the point,’ she said coldly. ‘There is no more “together”.’ Sweet Lord, she had to keep this up, to make him leave. Only then could she begin to nurse her wounds, try to pick up the pieces. ‘It was great while it lasted, and just for a while I did think...’ She allowed her words to tail away and managed to produce a throwaway shrug. ‘But on consideration it’s better if we don’t see each other again.’
She battled with the agony, fought it down, desperately reminding herself of the escape plan she’d made. Any time now, either she or Mark was going to have to visit the States. There were promising venues in New England to see. She’d plead with Mark to let her go. She’d go down on her knees if she had to.
‘Why?’ he demanded harshly. He’d joined her at the pointedly open door. Fierce silver eyes stabbed her like a knife. ‘You once told me you loved me. Remember?’
Bess closed her eyes on a swamping wave of grief. How could she ever forget? Please God, don’t let me cry, she prayed fervently. Give me the strength...
‘Isn’t that what people always say in that kind of situation?’ She swallowed on the terrible lie. ‘Anyway, you said it was lust, and I have to hand it to you—you were right.’ She heard the savage snarl of his breath and made herself ignore it. ‘But that’s not the point, not really, not now. What I’m doing my best to make you understand is that I want to get on with the rest of my life, on my own terms. You should understand that. After all, you were in some respects responsible for the metamorphosis.’
She couldn’t look at him. She dared not. But she could feel the shock waves of his icy anger bombarding her like a hail of frozen meteors.
A Guilty Affair Page 13